I'm forever grateful for this fandom
I've been meaning to post something like this for a while. I debated doing it during my next follower milestone (which is very close) but today just felt right.
I've been in a funky place these last few weeks due to a lot of things going on, and this time of year is always a struggle for me. I'm feeling better now, putting aside how today makes me feel, and some things have happened that are going to continue to make things improve slowly but surely.
Today marks twelve years since my mom's death. She died of colon cancer, which the diagnosis for came on rather suddenly and traumatically (that's a story in itself) and she fought for two years before finally succumbing to it on August 14, 2011. I was only 15 when it happened, sitting across the room from her when she took her last breath.
She and I were very close. I was a surprise child, born about 20 years after my siblings so I was raised as an only child. My mom was everything to me since my dad took on the more stereotypical gender role of working all day. (I was close with my dad but not nearly like I was with my mom.) My mom was the glue that held our family together and her getting sick and then ultimately passing really took its toll on my family, and me.
My mom was the one that introduced me to Star Wars. She loved the movies. She went and saw the original trilogy when they came out in theaters, and she instilled that love into my siblings and I. I still remember the day when she finally let me watch The Phantom Menace. I think it sticks out to me because if you had known her, you wouldn't have thought Star Wars would be something she was into. We went and saw the two remaining prequel trilogy movies when they came out in theaters and even the Clone Wars movie (the last one to come out before she got sick) and it was just so special that we shared this thing as a family that we all loved.
I didn't watch Star Wars for ten years after she died.
I rebuked anything and everything that had to do with Star Wars. Every new movie, every new show that came out, all I could think was how much she would have loved it (even the sequel trilogy.) I tried so hard to hate Star Wars because every time I saw anything related to it, it just brought up all those horrible feelings. The pain and grief of losing my mom and in a way I felt like I was betraying her because she'll never get to watch Star Wars again.
I don't really know what changed my mind. I honestly couldn't tell you what switched, what caused me to risk dipping my toe back into the world of Star Wars. Maybe it was all the Baby Yoda memes.
I decided early last year that I was going to watch The Mandalorian. It felt like a safe place to start since there were no emotions attached to it like other things. Also, I've been in love with Pedro since Game of Thrones so that also helped. Watching it, it didn't really feel like Star Wars, but at the same time, it reignited the feelings I used to get watching it with my mom. It took me a long time to watch the first two seasons (the only two that were out a that time) but I'm glad I did it. I went back after I finished those and rewatched the prequels and decided I was going to watch the Clone Wars show. I never really got into it when it was on TV, since I was reaching that stage of pubescence where I was trying to distance myself from anything that felt too childish.
Well, long story short, here I am now. The Mandalorian helped me ease myself back into the world of Star Wars, and the Clone Wars dunked me in head first.
I still think about it, I still think about her when I watch things. It's less painful now and more bittersweet. There's a sense of melancholy underneath everything that just kind of sits there. It never goes away, but sometimes it gets buried enough I don't feel it.
I certainly don't regret coming back to Star Wars. I certainly don't regret getting involved in the fandom side of things. When I decided to watch Star Wars again, I was sort of flailing between fandoms. That awkward spot when you leave one and have to find something else to occupy your every waking (and sleeping) moment. I had just left Marvel due to a toxic friendship (that's a whole other thing in itself) and had briefly jumped into Kpop (I still love Kpop but yikes at the fandom side.) I needed something and Star Wars decided to be that thing.
I didn't plan on getting so involved with the clones. I originally started this blog as a Mando blog (hence the name) and my first Star Wars fics were Mando fics. A lot of them have never seen the light of day and probably won't and that's okay. I hadn't realized, even when I first started getting into the fandom, that there was such a community centered around the clones. I remember when the Clone Wars movie came out, I desperately searched for any fics related to the clones, and there was nothing. So to return fourteen years after searching to find an entire fandom based around the clones...it was a bit unbelievable.
I'm so glad I found this place and eventually became active within it. Y'all have helped me more than I can ever say. I went from debating quitting writing entirely to enjoying it again. I'm writing like I did seven/eight years ago. It no longer feels forced, like I'm forcing myself to write so I don't lose my ability. I like what I'm writing. I'm proud of it. Y'all have helped me get over the impostor syndrome, the hatred I used to have for my writing. I can look at my works and feel confident in them because I know that they're good and I believe that they're good. That confidence and positivity has translated into other areas of my life. I still struggle sometimes, I still question myself, but it's never to the end of "I should quit because this is utter garbage" anymore. (When I say my writing is trash now, it's coming from a joking place, not a serious one.)
A lot of that growth has come from me and the work I've been doing, but you all have had a hand in it. I'm so grateful for all of you, from the silent readers to the dedicated commenters. You've helped me in so many ways. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how bad things get. I may have to take breaks but I'll always come back here because I have a reason to. You're stuck with me for the long haul.
I'm so glad I found my love of Star Wars again. I'm so glad I decided to engage in this fandom space. You're all so special to me and I love each and every one of you and I am so thankful for you. I can only continue to repay you with my writing and my unhinged thots.
