I’ve let go of the only soul who will ever love me.. and for what? I loved loneliness just a little bit more.. just enough to let the guilt of those feelings suffocate me.. enough for me to feel like it was all I needed.. all I deserved.
I’m sorry..
My apologies
I step out of the house and immediately
want to apologize for my hair.
I drive and whisper “sorry” to passing birds.
My kids probably think I am a basket case;
I am sorry for that too.
I say sorry to the doctor and dentist
for my lack of self-care.
I use the word sorry when I am confused or
angry or tired or clumsy.
I apologize profusely in my prayers
for being a sub-level human.
I apologize to myself for things I will not
put into print. But I know what they are.
Starting to feel like I'm being split into different versions of myself. All day, being around people I can't trust, holding in all my fears and anxieties. Then come home to a partner that won't listen to my feelings, refuses to ease or even listen to my issues. I can't even tell my family, because I just can't bring myself to burden them with my suffering. I have never felt so alone. All of the joys and cravings of the true, inner me can't be realized, because that side is not allowed to flourish. It truly feels like I can only be the anxious, depressed side of myself. I wish there was something about tomorrow that I could bring myself to look forward to, or be happy about, but there isn't; there's only this weight on my heart refusing to allow my happiness to exist.
it’s the 2017 gift guide: 1 month too late to be useful
I have no excuse as to why this is so late other than i have a terrible job that sucks up all my brain power and that ever since I started working out ~4x a week again I’ve needed like newborn baby levels of sleep.
I’m ~mixing it up~ this year and categorizing gifts by price, not receiver. Give anything to anyone.
Things to consider:
Use Ebates if you’re shopping online
Check the old gift guides for more Timeless ideas: 2016, 2015, 2014.
Giving
This year I’m making a donation to the shelter we adopted my dog from and to the Chicago Public Library Foundation! Lmk where YOU are going to donate this year and for who
Under $50
Moleskine Planner: The planner I’ve used for the past two years. Great for list makers who are now serious adults and can’t have dictionary-sized pink planners anymore.
Not Pot Chocolate: A nice gift for a girlfriend but don’t overlook its potential as a gag-type gift for the adult relatives in your life; this really tickles the over 40 crowd. Plus it’s my favorite type of gag gift: one that isn’t a piece of useless crap. Or if you’re in a state where pot is legal, please do what I can’t and buy your mom some nice weed or edibles.
Vital Proteins Collagen Peptides: Maybe a weird gift for someone but I can’t be the only person who wants to try collagen peptides? Plus how is the gift of joint health not a gift of love and thoughtfulness.
Rosemary Sea Salt Caramels: I buy a bag of these in November and treat it like my own quasi, once a week advent calendar.
Cast Iron Skillet: I think I am finally ready for a big girl pan this year. Maybe also pair it with a couple recipes to get them started.
Airport Hat: Is it weird that I think this is cute? It’s like those snobby summer house bumper stickers for your head. Plus I really am O’Hare’s #1 fan so if people just end up thinking I love airports so be it.
Foam Roller: If you think about it this is kind of like buying someone a massage.
Apple Brand Leather Care & Rain Repellent: For the purse junkie in your life. If she truly does her leather care research she’ll know you bought her The Best.
Small Victories Cookbook: Ina Garten wrote the foreword so you know it’s good. I’m very picky about cook books so this is the first one I’ve asked for in a while and I can’t wait to read it through in one sitting, Julia Turshen is so understanding and kind about cooking.
Hand Steamer: Now that I’m going through these I feel like I’m recommending some mega-dorky things but idc! This is useful. We are in a post-ironing world.
Waterproof Phone Case: This was probably the most useful gift I got last year. I used it on the beach constantly so I could read from my Kindle app and I barely took my phone out of it in Iceland.
Glass Food Storage: I’ve always imagined that when I am a whole, adult woman I will have sophisticated glass storage containers instead of plastic. I’m not ready for the responsibility but maybe you are.
Nounou Shampoo: This got name dropped like three times in Cat Marnell’s drug memoir that’s how good it is.
Opinel Knife: A sophisticated gift for an on the go cheese lover or just someone who is into knives.
Pie Dish: Or just in general pretty bakeware, I have a loaf pan that makes all the crappy bread I make look beautiful.
Sunglasses case: I bought a pair of sunglasses this year and they didn’t come with a case and it’s killing me.
Cocktail Shaker: Would make jungle juice look classy. If you’re an overachiever, make a fancy simple syrup and package them together.
Taschen book: I feel like the jury is still out for me when it comes to coffee table books but when you need to get one, go Taschen.
Chip and dip bowl: Any time we have more than 2 people over to my apartment we lament the fact that we don’t have a chip and dip bowl.
Tarot Deck: For the budding preteen witch in your life.
S’well Bottle: I can’t believe I’ve never recommended this before? The super big size holds a whole wine bottle, just sayin. I use the very tiny one for children so I don’t drink too much water during yoga.
Wool & Cashmere Care: I’m also kind of surprised I’ve never recommended the Laundress as a gift before? Dream me has figured out a way to pay someone to wash delicate knit fabrics but irl me needs to be given clear instructions and tools.
Shhhowercap: Too much to buy for yourself but just the right level of cute for a gift.
Under $150
Cire Trudon Candle: Diptyque who?
Brodo Bone Broth: Sorry I’m a parody of myself but this is truly better than the competition! Worth the exorbitant shipping fee. Plus you can keep some for yourself. Pair it with some Maldon sea salt.
Ice Cream Maker: I feel like the whole entire world knows my dreams re: ice cream making. Pair it with It’s Complicated on DVD so the receiver truly understands.
Shearling Birkenstocks: So I can live out my Olsen twin dreams.
Patagonia Quarter Zip: I feel like this is the perfect gift for any man in your life. You’d want them all to have one: dads, coworkers, brother in laws, boyfriends, uncles, brothers.
Humidifier: I’ve always put off buying one because of the aforementioned parody of myself issues and also because supplying it with distilled water seems like a pain but in truth I really do want one, one day.
Sylvain Le Hen Hairpiece: The ultimate cool girl stocking stuffer.
Food club: Cute idea for a friend group: my friend in NYC was getting frustrated with all the fancy restaurants she wanted to try not taking reservations for groups under 6 people, so she started a food club with 2 other couple friends and they would go out for a fancy dinner once a month. Only truly necessary in NYC but cute anywhere.
Bath Caddy & Pillow: Too much or just enough? Although I guess you can only give to someone whose bath setup you’re familiar with, I don’t think that caddy would work in my tub.
Dutch Oven: My mom is about to get a brand new kitchen so I think next year I will go all out and get her something really nice like this. (Maybe go with Staub, considering our conversation about dutch ovens last month...)
Peterboro Picnic Basket: I go to 1-3 outdoor concerns and movies per summer and I 100% believe this purchase would be Worth It! It would pay for itself after one use. You’d be the envy of every yuppie there.
Sunglasses: Perfect for cool moms and cool boyfriends. Or for yourself.
Assouline book: Like Taschen, an Assouline joint always seems more thoughtful somehow than your average coffee table book. I’m guessing it’s the $150 pricepoint for a gd book.
Outdoor Voices leggings: A kit costs $100 which is the secret Santa price limit in my family. Fate? Too bad I have my dad.
Moviepass: I mean take it or leave it, I know it might go under soon, but I feel like you could make this worth your money in like < 3 months.
Museum membership: A classy as hell gift! At first seems frivolous and symbolic but wait until you’re trying to see that Picasso exhibit on its last weekend in town and the line for normals is two blocks long.
$150+
Lingua Franca Cashmere Travel Set: I really love the idea of an eye mask that says “resist.”
Bang and Olufsen Headphones: Friends don’t let friends use Apple headphones. Family doesn’t let family use Beats by Dre either.
Jane Austen Book Set: Alright well this wasn’t sold out when I started writing this but maybe it’s for the best, they were expensive even for pretty pink books. Just buy them normal Jane Austen books.
Cashmere Travel Wrap: A classic! My mom, who hates on sight anything that costs more than $100, took me aside and asked me to get her one for her birthday.
Stubbs and Wooton Slippers: I can’t be the only person who lusts after these every year and never pulls the trigger.
Chinoiserie Dog Bowl: I hate that I love this so much.
Tivoli Radio: I’ve wanted a Tivoli alarm clock for I don’t even know how many years but they’re always sold out of the ones I like :( Get it for the guy who can’t keep his iPhone charged or for the sister who was late for brunch once and you haven’t ever let it go.
Clare V Clutch: This really feels like “woman possessions 101″ at this point.
Starter Record Player & a Donna Summer record: I got this last year and I spent most of Christmas day dancing alone in my parent’s living room #noregrets
Rodin Olio Lusso: Perfect beauty gift for any age, so luxe and multipurpose enough that you don’t need to assume anything about their routine or needs.
Cashmere Socks: I refuse to believe everyone else on the planet doesn’t love tiny stupid cashmere things as much as I do.
LL Bean Flannel Sheets: Frankly, this is a life changing gift. Once you go flannel sheets in winter you can never go back.
Passport Cover: Unpopular opinion alert: I think Away luggage is gimmicky. Stick with the travel classics.
