#ambivalent jargon

[ambivalentjargon]

I swear I’m working on cool art for you guys, my apologies, I’m just slightly losing my mind over how mental illness, which in addition to observable symptoms, is a construct determined by societal expectations (the demands of daily living) and people in power (guys with fancy pieces of paper, lots of money, and white suits), both of which change over time and can be problematic such as when queerness was considered mental illness at one point, so who REALLY has the authority to determine my prognosis? guys, don’t take the bad, illegal meth you found on the street and develop an addiction! take the good, legal meth the doctor says you should take and develop a societally acceptable addiction! because everyone knows you can always trust the government and also your doctors all of the time! mental illness is have you considered that maybe the problem isn’t me having a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected, but rather it’s the standards we’re expected to meet? how much of me is the meds? how much of me is my illness? if I didn’t have my scars, would it still be me? a large chunk of mental illnesses are just normal human responses to external stimuli so strong they reach the point of debilitation. depression is just when someone is too sad. mental illness isn’t contagious in the traditional sense, but when I talk about depressing shit to my friends because I’m depressed, am I spreading my illness? what if what society calls mental illness is just a natural way of being alive that we seek to arbitrarily “fix” to conform with society? what symptoms should accommodated rather than corrected or suppressed? did I forget to take my meds today? did I take TOO much of my meds today? I think TylerButBetter made a video on this. Marsha, Thank You For The Dialectics, But I Need You To Leave. what the FUCK am I waffling about? note to self good questions come up with a thesis later, delete this later, say all of that in much less words later

[aj-is-okay]

A Half-Cooked Shitty Reanimal AU Idea

“genderbent Hood and Sniffer” or “Hood and Sniffer roleswap” is the best way I can describe it. hear me out.

“Adult Hood”/“Female Sniffer” is a deformed atomic tradwife teacher type figure. physically unable to not hold this creepy lipstick stained smile. pasty makeup slathered all over her face. corset that crushes her ribcage. always busy cleaning and cooking and shit, for a corpse of a town that doesn’t care. abducts the kids in an attempt to “teach” or “parent” them though like. idk. force feeding them homecooked slop. I’m figuring that part out. she totally would give Bucket a gun and convince him to join the army

“Kid Sniffer”/“Male Hood” is an affection starved, sensitive, maybe slightly effeminate little boy. instead of constantly running away from Boy and Girl and overall being actively unhelpful, he’s very clingy and seems to have no idea what boundaries are. he tries to help with the puzzles and stuff so freaking bad but he ends up making things worse sometimes and he’s overall very annoying. he’s not dumb, he sometimes can be surprisingly fucking clever but he’s really shit at reading the room sometimes, impulsive, and bad at controlling his emotions

and in the beginning of the game Boy and Girl basically have to rescue this autistic kid from his emotionally abusive mom/homeschool teacher

yeah idk just an idea. if I do end up expanding on this concept I was thinking of the names “Shiner” and “Hat”

[aj-is-okay]

okay so I need to talk about this right now becuase it makes me feel better. I know it’s a delusion but it doesn’t make it any less real. as I was typing this, I realized this sound like one, so I need to clarify this isn’t inetded to be story or “creepy pasta” but you can think of it that way if you want. I don’t see the harm in findign entertainment in soemone’s delusions as along as your remember to take the delusional someone seriously too and not as your Circus Freak to goad on and leave to rot when they need help. I Know she isn’t real but I can’t help but Beleive she is. pretending like she isnT there isn’t going to help. I tried. so.

there was some shadowy fucker in the corner of my room again. you don’t understand she was so scary she made me so anxious I wanted to cry. I know I called her a shadow man earlier but I think I read wronf earlier I’m quite certain she is female

she doesn’t want to hurt me at least I don’t think she does but her simple presence in my room makes me nervous and scared and sad. I can’t talk to her, verbally, when she’s around, my mouth won’t let me, but she already knows what I want to tell her somehow they way I know she dpesn’t want to hurt me even though she shadsn’ said anything. I think it’s like. part of her natural “power” or something. “Tel apathy” isn’t quite it because it doesn’t feel like I’m receiving a message, but simply knowing her intention by her intention. I look in her direction and think about her and I know becuase she lets me know.

she’s…nice I guess. I looked away and I don’t quite see her anymore, but I know she’s in the corner of my room and in the corners of my eyes, too, maybe. but I know she’s here in this room. her presence is unnerving, but liek I said,mthat seems to be a natural byproduct of her existence than anything she wants to do. she isn’t particularly interested in getting anythign from me, except company, I guess she just wnats to stay here? in this room with me? for some reason. and it’s a little scary and zI feel liek crying about but it’ okay.

hahaha, just when I thought I finally got over my fear if real people unreal people show up in my life and spook me all over again! hahaha! butnit’s okay. she doesn’t want to hurt me and although she creeps me out a bit shensin’t hurting me so that’ all that matters. he only downsides is that 1) I know I don’t have a lot of people to talk about her with becuase of her inepherent nature if being unrela and I’m scared of them judging me or thinking I need to be Fixed. and 2) her Presence, the one that makes me anxious, the one that brings me to verge of tears like cutting onions, make s it a lot harder to get things done its a little distracting but I don’t mind it she didn’t do anything wrong she just wants to chill in the corner of my room. I imagine a lot of people woudln’ like that so I’m glad to let her do it. I’m just worried my family will be upset I’m taking longer to do things, but I know I cna’t tell them why I don’t want their judgment right now. she doesn’t judge me. may be we cna be friends. I’m not sure how that would wprk but I could try once I’m done cleaning this room. I’m a bit baffled she’d choose to stay in a room so messy. I guess she does really doesn’t judge! :)

so I tried drawing her. here is my drawing of her of course that’s not what exactly she “looks like” becuase she is Shadow Shadow Shadow so no one could ever really capture her like that but I tried to draw mroe what she “feels like”. I hope she likes it ^_^

[aj-is-okay]

pragmatic challenge fuckity fuck me over once again. geez, nobody’s out to kill me, I’m skating crawling on thin ice once again. trying to remember the metaphor I used for her…

ah yeah. reality is like a skating rink and I’m wearing socks. what a slippery thing “truth” is. just like CAKE (2026), d crawl farther and farther out from shore on an ocean of thin ice, but those fucking cowards get nowhere sticking close to what they believe. I try on different reality lenses every other fucking picosecond like it’s the godamn optic shop. and yeahh sure sometimes they lead to unironically thinking every person on the planet wants me dead and rewrite memeory fallaubile Allan Poe type recount, but it’s more metaphysical tip top ship hop idea surfin’ than any of y’all have done your whole damn life, just make sure not to drown. ;)

oh ‘nd apparently retract the autism diagnosis, miscommunication about around the actual adults in the house, my apologies. it’s just criterion A that” applies, so SPCD’s the verdict. I agree with this one actually, more useful this way. turns out I’m on a different spectrum, but there’s overlap with communication difficulties. it’s like, you autists are vertical generally speakin’ and us schizos are more horizontal than that kiss twixt the sky and the sea. the key is to keep is to keep like a torpedo level and know when what angle’s the best, a trusted point of reference. and when you can’t trust that, eclecticise all save the dialectics. just don’t fucking copyright claim Hakuna Matata you corporate scum. if there wasn’t any you wouldnt’ ahve the need to say there aren’t.

I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine, I just need to remember to eat. I’m not me when I’m hungry, they say, but when was I ever? all you need is BreadTubeAVOTA and Amazing Digital Ciruses. I still ain’t over that stupid bunny bitch as long as Hershey’s still a scapegoat. could never be an engineer. I’d probably spend too much time trying to make perfectly spherical cows real so our classes would be more useful. that doesn’t mean I’m gonna try my own way though. I’m fucking trying. at least there’s that. but, fuck, aren’t we all, so that doesn’t make me special. except if you say I am? Hawley’s special, why not me?

god, why do I even need my ears, it’s already plenty fucking noisy between them. Five Point Seven Out Of Ten Ten Losses, All You, All The Time. I’ll Give You 22 Years, You’ll Give Me My World.

I’m going to eat now. have a great day and stay hydrated

[aj-is-okay]

sorry I'm taking so long, and this one goes out to everyone. I'm rather chronigically challenged at all moments.

and as for you.

Sarvente, Lucifer, etc. you fucking hypocrite. your unnecessary abstinence is painful to watch. your feeble attempts to hide insult my intelligence, fatalist bitch. why don't you call my fucking bluff, huh? enlighten me, if you think I'm so stupid. do you think it's funny to watch me squirm, lapping for a truth? do you have something to gain from my continued ignorance...or rather, something to lose from my awareness? is this entertaining to you? do you wish to be rid of it? how much of your behavior is performative--clever obfuscation to suggest false intention to shake me off your subtly evangelical trail? I know all your stupid tricks--one must study an antimeme from what you know it is not. I haven't lost your scent for a second. the swift blade of silver tounges and dexterous hands hath you dancing on the tightrope twixt heresy and fraud. do you think folks get sent to violence for psychological warfare? would I be convicted of against neighbor? would you be convicted of against self?

for what it's fuckin' worth, the game I was talking about doesn't end with my last turn--but rather, yours. it's one all folks with your circumstancial play every day of their damn lives till their last fuckin' breath. it's a gnostic horror that doesn't go away and rears its ugly head back again every time you deny it, ebbing and flowing but never going, but always wanting, wanting, wanting. doesn't it fuckin hurt? I'd say I don't understand how you bear it, but get it through your cranium that I more than understand. perhaps it really was divine grace that brought us two together, because you really are just like her. although it would be a fetish to reduce you to all that there is if you, know I see you as a second chance. and though I may put my weapons down for a moment, I'm not letting this one go. not for a goddamned picosecond.

Goodwill is one thing, truth is another. I'm scared of losing you, in every sense of the word. I'm under the impression I already am.

uhhh, somethin' about Reanimal? call me obstetrically obstreperous the way I call out how you paradoxically don both the rabbit's mask and wield the shovel. so goes that recursive self-hatred you pass off as penultimate love.

as I delve deeper into the land you've burned for me to find, I must admit, it's kind of fun at some points. I try to make it so. I hope you at least find it amusing the lengths we're willing to go. I know I sure do.

so for my next move, I'll take a stab at your denomination and attempt to dissect just which words are the ones that hold you back. no harm in knowing, eh? after all, you keep suggesting that’s what my problem is, that I don’t know what the cards say, but you seem cheekily bent on pressing them flat against your chest so that even you can’t see them.

'cause after all, we're friends.

this war I've decreed is all in good faith.

what do you think I consider a win state?

[aj-is-okay]

I’m a pragmatically challenged person trying not to worry about the semantics

…emphasis on trying. you’ll know when I failed when I end up posting almost nonsense on this blog

consider this a linguistic safety net of sorts where the only certainty is uncertainty. try not to take it too seriously. sometimes you have to say something before you realize you regret it

[aj-is-okay]

perhaps these were the demands of a paradoxical game that made perfect sense; a subjective truth. perhaps it was a delicate balancing act of fantasy and reality, half-antimemetic in nature, in which the point was to distract from the lack thereof. perhaps to fully understand the rules of the game was to lose it, but the questioning and the curiosity and the boredom and the good intentions that drove the desire to understand was a requisite for the ignorant bliss of the win state: an unfortunate, perfect victim. perhaps it’s the difference twixt Limbo and Heresy. perhaps it’s Roko’s Basilisk. perhaps it hurts to know. perhaps there are some things I was never meant to know.

perhaps.

I don’t know, don’t tell me. don’t Occam-shave Schrödinger’s horse about the bush, but if one can’t imagine me happy, open Pandora’s turtle all the way down.

[aj-is-okay]

if the circus members have manifestation powers like Caine does that they haven’t fully honed yet does than mean they can alter minds like he does? do you think the circus members can manifest themselves—or each other—to control their minds, or at least impair their thinking? Goose said some morally grey stuff was going to go down, and difficult choices were going to be made. choices imply free will and consent and stuff, which is the only thing the circus members have left at this point—what if someone changes even that by simply willing it to be?

…what if someone already has?

I think in an attempt to manifest a mindstate of eternal, perpetual happiness for someone else, someone will or has abstracted somebody. Caine comes to mind, it’s heavily implied he fucked up with that. maybe Jax?

of course, Jax doesn’t wan’t them to abstract, so what does he settle for?

subliminally wishing himself and the whole gang into sticking to their archetypes, but it doesn’t work for long, if at all, because you can’t do that while destroying what makes them a person, their self in its entirety