#and mixed

[feyril-moved]

listen i know i already invested too much time in these graphics but...what if :)) :))) change :)) :))))) :) fcs? :) :)))) :)) :)))

[letsdiscoverkitty]

16.06.19//

This morning, for the first time in months, I was honest with mum about where e I am at and I actually openly admitted that I can’t do this on my own anymore; that I need help. And although it was incredibly hard to do this, it was a bit of a relief, and feels like a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders.

We sat down together and talked about the assessment at the priory that I had this week, discussed the “support” that I am currently getting from my “team”, as well as the possible routes ahead and my “options” from here. Apparently her and dad have been really worried about me recently (which is beyond hard to hear), and they sadly believe that I will be in hospital within the next month. She said that they can see how hard I am trying but that to them it seems to be that the anorexia is too strong for me to fight and that the OP support I am getting just isn’t enough/helpful. 

It was extremely hard to be so open with her, especially as she is a “fixer” and tries to find solutions to everything (I know that this is only because she loves and cares about me but gosh is it hard sometimes). We spent a lot of time talking about what has been trapping me/the cycles that have continued to play out week on week, and she was actually able to help me to come up with a plan to try to break out of this place I have been stuck in for so long. 

I am not going to lie, it utterly terrifies me, but as she reminded me “it is either here and now or in hospital; it has got to happen at some point”, which is so very true. The more I put it off, the harder it is going to be in the long run...I am not going to lie, I still feel so very mixed about the prospect of another admission but, again, mum reminded me that this is probably anorexia trying to be sneaky/that it is playing tricks on me to try to keep me trapped and stuck for as long as possible. Yes I could spend more weeks going around and around having the same arguments with myself over it all but at the end of the day nothing will ever change if my actions don’t. I can repeat the same recovery spiel over and over but nothing will ever change if I don’t apply it to myself. Only I can save myself from this, there is no magic answer or cure to be found, no person who can take it all away for me. Reality cannot be escaped; recovery cannot be “skipped” over/gone around; “the only way out is through”.

Anyway, long story short, we came up with a meal plan for the week, including increases and having to face some anxieties around timings (in order to get increases in). There were tears. I was shaking as we sat there. Anorexia was screaming; my voice growing smaller, but I did not let anorexia win. I did not run away, I stood my ground. And I was finally able to voice some of my worries/fears around making changes, as well as some of the ideas that have been flying around my head for months on repeat. I have to face reality at some point. The truth is that I am never going to feel “ready” or “comfortable” or suddenly and magically want to “get better” - recovery just does not happen like that. To be honest it was actually a relief to have them heard by someone else who can actually help me rationalise them and get a solid plan down on paper, especially as it means that I will be held accountable for them. (Mum said how this is what my team should be doing with me but as ever my team does not make sense and they literally won’t meal plan with me *rolls eyes* - so, bless her, she said that she is more than happy to help as much as she can as things can’t stay as they are and it’s like the team are giving up on me - gosh, I do not deserve her ♡)

It all feels like too much too fast, but I can’t keep going around in these same flipping cycles. Right now I have to keep reminding myself that anorexia will never be satisfied and that there will always be another excuse to put things off and wait for a more “perfect” time (which does not exist). It all feels too overwhelming/the road ahead so long and impossible, but I really don’t have any other choice right now. I have to give it a try and see what happens instead of always holding myself back and wondering what could have been. There is so much more that I want from life; so much I want to do/see/experience/achieve. And I am the only one that can give myself this chance right now.  I wanted to post this to try to help remind myself of the commitments that I agreed to today with mum. I know my posts have been quite sporadic and not very positive recently (okay, I will be the first to admit that I have been a true negative nancy) and I can only apologise for that. So I suppose this is a bit of a different post from the recent ones. No I do not feel okay about this in the slightest and right now want to run in the opposite direction and hide away from the world for eternity but I know that I can’t keep going down the same roads expecting things to suddenly change/be different - it does not work like that. So yeah, I suppose this is a bit of a mess and everything feels chaotic and I can’t think straight but here goes nothing; I have to at least try.

[jay8934]

TESS!

[itachi86]

how are the white tigers watching tv in the middle of the woods

[unknwnxquantity]

whenever i do find myself attracted to a guy, which is rare af, he’s usually gay why is my life like this

[testosteronetuesdays]

This isn't for those who have simply become overwhelmed but,

My new favorite thing to do is to re-post political stuff knowing full well there are people who follow me annoyed by it simply because they belive that everything should be apolitical unless it's in the government building itself as if tho these "politics" don't affect my daily life.

[soundsnotstr8]