She is everywhere I am not
in the quiet rooms
in the corners of my eyes
in the spaces between breaths
her shadow moves
trailing fragments of a life
that never belonged to me
Her laugh echoes
but it is hollow
like a door left ajar
in a house long abandoned
I reach
and my hands only find air
but the air carries her weight
sharp and relentless
I see her in the night
in the flicker of streetlamps
in faces that are not hers
but bear the curve of her smile
I cannot forget her
I cannot unsee her
She is a ghost with a skeleton
and I am trapped
in the wreckage of what once way
The bones rattle
with words she never said
with promises she never meant
with touches that haunt my skin
like fire still warm from the past
I try to sleep
but even my dreams betray me
She is there
laughing, accusing, disappearing
before I can hold her
I live in the ruins
of memory and desire
haunted not by her presence
but by her absence
not by her life
but by the skeletons
she left behind
And I am here
a witness to her ghost
to the hollow echo
of everything
I could not keep
Hey, so... it's been a hot minute. I don't really know how this much time has managed to pass me by, and whilst I'm not quite ready to jump back on the writing wagon, I did want to lay out some clarity since I've only now realised how four months after my last post may have looked 😅
This is gonna be a long one, and there's probably some sensitive topics, so reader discretion is advised
For starters, I'm still alive! Well, for the most part, anyways :')
What kicked this disappearance off was my fella and me moving house. More specifically, moving in with his mum because it's the only way we're going to be able to save up for an actual place of our own (and for an eventual wedding, good lord, those things are expensive). It's a bit of a bog down when you've gotten used to independence, only to have to move back in with a parental figure, but I don't think I need to tell anyone just how costly living is
PLUS SIDE!! This woman is incredible, and I can't wait for her to officially be my mother-in-law 🙏
Now, the move itself was incredibly stressful, and I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but, unfortunately, it wasn't
I'd gotten ill a couple of times during everything: mouth ulcers from the stress, bladder infection which escalated to kidney problems, blisters on my blisters and recurring knee problems from the strain, if that counts. My medication also had to be tweaked, and an additional diagnosis of PMDD means I have to take a PRN alongside it, yaaaaaay
The real humdinger that took me out of commission, though, was just the bastard cherry on top. Just when I thought I'd finally have a day's rest away from moving stuff, work, everything, my body well and truly turned against me. I broke out in a fever, threw up out of nowhere (anyone who knows me knows it takes a lot for me to be sick), dizzy spells, weakness in the legs - I was actually terrified for my life. Long story short, they reckoned it was gastroenteritis, which is manageable and goes on its own, but the lasting effects have taken their toll
Namely, I lost a lot of weight in a very short amount of time, and even now I'm still trying to get it back. The stress of everything probably didn't help, but it's been the thing that's gotten me out of sorts the most. I used to be severely underweight, by my own hand, I'm sad to say, so seeing all the progress I had made in three years disappear just in three weeks sent me into an unsavoury headspace
Rest assured, we're getting there! Every day is progress ✊
That's enough of the body babble, onto the writing. It's another hurdle I'm currently trying to jump over because I've realised that these meds are doing a lot more for me than I'd thought they would, including my maladaptive daydreaming, which is a tool I was predominantly using up until now. Admittedly, I've been a bit scared to get back into writing. Not just because of how much time it's been, but because I'm worried that it won't be as good without my "superpower"
Well, that's what I thought, anyway. Last night, I made an attempt and... wow. It is... different. Not a bad different! Not by any means. If anything, it's better, but it being different still means that I'm going to have to adjust to writing again, just through a new lens
I think that's about it. Sorry it was a mouthful, but that's on me for waiting so long
There's no promise of when my next fic will be out or anything like that, mainly because finding the time to write in the first place is a pain, but I will say that I'm focusing on something I know many of you have been asking for 😜
And before I finish this long-winded post, let me just say a big, whole-hearted thank you to everyone. It has been so lovely seeing that, despite my absence, my stuff is still receiving attention, so thank you so much!! xoxo
Right, that's my rant over now. Peace and tidings to everyone, I LOVE YOU ALL!!
cyberpunk 2077 does not truly comprehend the depths of body modification I dream of. well ok it kinda does, but the people who do it are all villains and go "cyberpsycho" (sometimes the things I subject myself to for rpg romances is horrifying) or otherwise have no regard for human life. my character also lives in this world and receives body mods, but I can't even cut off my fake character's fake legs because It's Too Weird for the player to want.
