There once was a boy named Gil. He spent his days writing porn. The hollow figure of a prodigy epic writer walks in his apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur. He writes stories in his mind for funsies.
“Who is there?” Gil propositioned.
“The bottomless pit of your inner desires” a deep scratchy-nail-like voice.
“Why are you here? What do you want from me? All my desires are outer.”
“You called me. Your inner plea for help reached us on planet Farreach in the fourths galaxy.”
“My inner desires are from outer space? What have I been smoking?”
*Cough* *Cough* “Marlboro which you shouldn’t. It gives us asthma attacks ... No, that has no relevance on our being here.”
“So why exactly are you here? I haven’t been pleading for anything?”
An image of a young, red-headed, freckle-faced boy playing in a field of dandelions appeared holographically in front of Gil.
“How’re you doing that?!” Gil cried dramatically, ripping his scarf off and tossing it at the hologram.
“You still fail to understand?” replied a sad yet humored voice.
“Well duh! You’re some sort of crazy trip dream and suddenly there’s holograms in my living room. Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
“Let us give you a clue -” A song about small equines owned by someone starts playing.
Gil falls to his knees and scrapes his hands down his face. “NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” he screams.
“CALM YOURSELF!!! FOOL!!!” boomed the overhead speakers of desires.
Gil threw his Starbucks coffee at the ceiling and rolled around on the floor dramatically.
A giant hand materialized holding a small piece of candy. Skittle.
“Whatever drug I took this morning, remind me never to take it again.”
“That’s right cigarettes are harmful to you, as well as imitation bacon. Get the real shit Bro!”
“Do you know how bad real bacon is?! That stuff kills pigs! I only eat man flesh.”
*sigh* “Dude, watch My Little Pony and everything will be all right. Or else!”
“Let me guess, the five elements will save me, right?”
“Something like that ... or your cat. mmm.... Cat face.”
“You’re not going to eat my cat. I’ll neuter you if you do.”
*chuckles deeply* “I don’t believe you want to do that. - Come here, Miss Hindlegs.”
“I have to go to church you dick.”
“go ahead. What do you feed this cat? Her cheeks are lovely.” a flint lint roller gently rubs the cats head. Gil picks up the cat and runs away with it.
Suddenly, a tawny mare named Applejack manifested in front of Gill and Miss Hindlegs.
“WE WANT CAT FACE, WATCH MY LITTLE PONY NOW!!!
“I’ll watch it if you promise not to eat my cat.”
“Okay, Okay.” TV flicks on.
Gil sits down and starts watching the TV, enthralled.
“So, how does this feel?”
“Enthralling.” Gil is in a trance of ponies.
“Good, By the way, We only ingest the aura of beauty cats exhibit through their face, not the actual flesh and being. Sorry if we perturbed you.”
“PoooooooOOOoooOOOoOOooOoooonniiiIiIIIIiieeeeEEEEEEEeeEEeEeeeeeEeesssssssssssss.”
A smile encroaches on the disembodied being. “Rest well, you will rise again in a brighter world.”
“Um…..sure. But Ponies. Not bed time yet because ponies.” Gil raises a hand into the air. “I HAVE THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!”
If you had been in the room at that precise moment, you would have swore you saw a giant cheshire grin appear in mass content before disappearing again.
Gil falls asleep and mumbles about ponies in his sleep and dreams of being a pony with the others. the sound of clippity-clops on the carpet fail to disturb him. Gil starts making neighing sounds in his sleep. A blue mare hovers behind him wearing nothing but a black and red cape. Gil opens his eyes and looks up at the mare with wide eyes.
“Oh. My. God. That cape is fabulous.”
“Why, Thank You! It’s absolutely stylish and powerful” She leans overs and chomps on his neck.
Gil flinched back. “Ooww. That hurt!
“Quiet down and stop complaining! Do you know how gross it is to do this? Your hairless skin is icky!”
“Then why the hell did you do it if it’s so gross?! You get your rocks off biting unsuspecting bronies?”
“As if! I drew the short straw and came here to turn you.”
“Turn me into what, exactly?” Gil stands up and feels the sudden urge to eat an apple.
“Ugh! You are sooooo dense! A Pony, duh!”
“Because men become ponies through a bite? Are you a vampire now?”
“Are you a sexist now? We turn women to. and yes. We can turn people like werewolves do.”
“Not sexist, but as I am a man, I felt it appropriate to use that noun. Why do you turn people?”
“We aren’t exactly a populating race. You’ve seen the show. Like only once there is foals born.”
“But don’t you guys like, live forever? I mean, no one really ages either.”
“Long story short, we want to take over this world. We are being trapped in a condensed world within a studio and need ponies on the outside to let us out. You're going to help us. Oh look you’re changing.”
“Wait what?!” Gil was enveloped in a bright light as was turned into a silver pony with a scarf cutie mark and a black mane and tail. “This is...different.
“Alright follow me I will lead the way to VICTORY!!!” She turns with her muzzle in the air, trotting towards the air.
Gil followed and exploded like an atomic bomb of water NOW GO PEE YOU FREAK.
De End!!!!! Watch out for ponies in the Night!! truly, they’re asses.
