#andsoshetypes

[andsoshetypes]

Time kept moving on, but their love never could.

It could never move past that question, you know the one. The 'what if' that creeps into your mind at night.

Each time you catch yourself enjoying something new and wondering how they'd react if you could tell them.

Each new experience still captured as a story you hope to tell them about.

How you cling to those memories on your coldest nights, letting nostalgia sink into you. Better that than facing the truth.

That however much you love, life will continue going on, with or without them. And there will never be enough time with those that we love.

[andsoshetypes]

Feels like all my chickens have come home to roost

[andsoshetypes]

Me: would be nice if we could do the things.

My body: not today ☺

[andsoshetypes]

Ended up in a&e last night after working during my period. Even on my highest dose of pain killers I was an 9/10. When I got there I was given morphine, without asking, because my pain was so intense. The Dr thought it was appendicitis. It wasn't. They thought it was a uti. It wasn't. All my tests came up clear, as they usually do. Because my pain is caused by endo. Even with me telling them this they decided to put me on antibiotics, again, incase it's a kidney infection.

I ended up on morphine from pushing myself to far at work, and not allowing myself to rest because I felt guilty for needing to take time off work. I ended up in a&e because I felt like I wasn't 'bad enough' to take more time off for my chronic condition. And even now, having been to a&e, and knowing I'm withdrawing, I feel guilty about needing to take today off work. That's what chronic illness is like for me, it's being so used to hearing ableist comments and views, so used to being seen as 'healthy' because I don't 'look disabled' that I still don't know how to accept that my life is always going to involve me making space and time for my pain. That the milestones and expectations others have in mind for me just aren't practical for my wellbeing.

[andsoshetypes]

It's been a while

I finally got my adhd diagnosis and started meds

And yet...

No one told me how much it would bring up, how much space I would have to feel all of those emotions I never had the chance to.

I know in time that this will lighten the load

Right now it feels so surreal, to feel the things that have been weighing me down for decades and to suddenly just FEEL IT.

Today would have broken me a few weeks ago, instead I've stayed with it and experienced everything there was.

I got through something I've been terrified of happening for years, and it was okay. I could still keep going and be in the moment.

I wish someone had realised I had adhd.

I wish I'd gotten the chance to face life like this, to not have so much to open now.

To know my life could have been easier is heartbreaking.

To finally have a way to help my life be easier is a dream come true.

I wouldn't be who I am today had I not had this hand delt to me, yet I'll never know what that actually means.

[andsoshetypes]

It's been a while

I finally got my adhd diagnosis and started meds

And yet...

No one told me how much it would bring up, how much space I would have to feel all of those emotions I never had the chance to.

I know in time that this will lighten the load

Right now it feels so surreal, to feel the things that have been weighing me down for decades and to suddenly just FEEL IT.

Today would have broken me a few weeks ago, instead I've stayed with it and experienced everything there was.

I got through something I've been terrified of happening for years, and it was okay. I could still keep going and be in the moment.

I wish someone had realised I had adhd.

I wish I'd gotten the chance to face life like this, to not have so much to open now.

To know my life could have been easier is heartbreaking.

To finally have a way to help my life be easier is a dream come true.

I wouldn't be who I am today had I not had this hand delt to me, yet I'll never know what that actually means.

[andsoshetypes]

I promise you that I'm working my ass off to get back to you, right now I need more time to work on myself. You deserve to be with a version of me that is more healed than I am. And I deserve to be with someone who is ready for that level of commitment and who is more stable within themselves. I love you, and I so desperately wish that I could click my fingers and be back to my old self, we know that's not possible. So thank you for this time to focus on myself, to build myself back up, and I hope you are able to do the same. I will find my way back to you, whether its in this life or the next, I'll come home to you again.

[andsoshetypes]

The funny thing is I don't want the pain to end, I don't want to get over you. I would stay right here remembering just how much I love you until your memory is burnt into my heart.