having an extremely productive afternoon, comparing the headshots of the thirteen punchdrunk performers who were all in the drowned man, sleep no more (shanghai), and the burnt city, for a sort of ultimate 'how it started, how it's going' vibe
my main takeaways are
whoever was wielding the camera in shanghai was best at actually capturing everyone's beauty
we are so extremely blessed to have such experience of such incredible performers
at least three of these people, if not more, are clearly immortal vampires
That song captures my mood for the past few days since the last of the mass exit of talent at the McKittrick. They all will be missed, but a few have hit me especially hard.
I would wager I have spent half of my total time in the hotel with a few characters (Sexy, Nurse, Matron, and Hecate). Taking that into account, it is probably no surprise that Anna, Zhauna, and Emeri's departures were roughest. We live about 6 hours (driving) from the hotel making it hard for us to get down on a whim this time of the year and the weather has been horrible lately. I was super sad to miss this past weekend. I have enjoyed reading everyones' posts the last couple of days. Thanks for softening the blow!
This has lead me to think hard about why I feel so sad about the moving on of these actors. SNM is a play, performance art, and I have never actually met these actors besides for the occasional momentary smile and nod on the sidewalk after the show or passing reverent comment in the bar. I have no personal relationship to these real world people but I feel loss at the thought of never getting to see them inside the McKittrick again. Like, it has seriously been putting me in a funk!
I am an introvert and have never been very good at expressing my emotions. True story: when I was 4, my parents took me to a therapist because I didn't talk and they thought something was wrong with me. The therapist concluded that I was fine. I just had nothing to say. I was that kid in high school who floated through. I didn't have any close friends but I wasn't disliked by anyone. I just kept to myself. Not too much has changed. I have friends, though no one super close except my wife and sister. I still guard myself and my emotions.
That is the reason why I have moments of heartbreak thinking about how I will never see Anna's Nurse or Zhauna's Hecate or Emeri's Sexy again. SNM gives me the ability to feel, really feel my emotions. It is a release for someone like me who doesn't usually access their emotions on a deeper level. When I go into the hotel after being away for months, it feels like coming home. I feel safe in the space and the characters that these actors portray naturally feel like family. I often find it impossible to let go in the real world. The hotel allows me to escape, to easily lose myself in the feelings the characters evoke.
My current sadness and funk speak volumes to the talent of these actors, to their craft. They let me feel joy, fear, sadness, vulnerability, comfort. I will miss so much, but some moments really stand out.
Anna's nurse was her shining character, in my opinion. Her ability to brilliantly play Lady M, then an hour later play the nurse (who is a polar opposite) just as well shows incredible versatility. I often spent a full loop watching her make mundane tasks look important and interesting. I literally watched her sleep in a 5th floor bed for 10 minutes once. White masks came and went but I just stood next to her, taking in the sadness that haunted Anna's nurse, even in sleep. She gave me ALL THE FEELS! Even pretending to sleep. Her childlike helplessness overwhelmed me. I also felt quite honored to have a front seat at the NYE dinner several weeks ago because her performance was sheer genius.
SNM confession: Zhauna Franks is the only actor who has made me cry during the show. I have become teary eyed several times but on one emotional night at the hotel, she chose me for her lip-sync and that was the end! Full blown crying into my mask. Her presence in the rep bar will be missed as well as her relatively new Danvers (best Danvers 1:1 I have had).
Almost certainly the saddest departure, probably because I didn't realize it was coming, was Emeri Fetzer's exit. She is my Sexy witch. I saw her Agnes once but witnessed her Sexy witch probably fifteen times give or take. Out of all the residents in the hotel, I have clocked the most time with Emeri's Sexy. She was my go to if I was having an off night or wanted a bit of SNM stability. Everything about her character captivated me starting with the first scene of the night. I will never be able to listen to Sandman without thinking about her ballroom. The moments of seriousness, the creepy smile during the lobby prophecy, the unhinged energy during the rave, the stunning beauty and crushing weakness during the bar top dance, the way she glided through the air defying gravity in her couch dance with Banquo. It was fun to watch her Sexy strut around the hotel flirting and manipulating MacDuff in Paisley, Speaks in the speakeasy, and absolutely terrorizing Fulton in the mortuary. Her Sexy was truly fun to loop with!
To the departing cast, thank you for all the memories and good luck in future endeavors. I look forward to the new cast members and the cast shuffle that will no doubt come. Although I am excited about the changes coming, they say you can never go back and I am positive that the Manderley I step into next week will never be the same as it was last week.
Today has been a beautiful day. Freezing cold but sunny. I've spent the day with family in Brooklyn and then most of the evening with my poorly friend in his apartment, watching crap TV. I'm really tired, and not sure I'll be in the mood for this evening, so I resort to the Red Bull solution. It seems to do the trick.
In the queue, feeling slightly hyper and bouncy, I get two newbies excited about what they're about to see – 'go solo, find someone you like and stick with them, don't be scared to try every door, don't give up on a character if they stop for a second... ' I look for them after the show but don't see them so I have no idea whether or not this was helpful, or whether they enjoy it.
Whether or not it's thanks to my Red Bull wings, I have one of the best nights I've ever spent in a Punchdrunk space. I still have another show to go, but I could have left the country happy after this one. I only get one actual 1:1 but that fact becomes singularly unimportant beside the fact that in the cast are Anna Finkel as Lady Macbeth, Paul Zivkovich as Macbeth and Jesse Kovarsky as Boy Witch.
I have had a crush on Paul ever since my first Drowned Man in June 2013, when I found him at the hoedown, looking handsome, muscly and tortured – somehow immediately recognisable as the 'leading man'. This feeling has in no way diminished, and when he comes into the bedroom and it's just me and him alone in there, my heart actually cornily skips a beat and I hyperventilate a little. I have decided, however, that it's Anna's Lady M that I'm going to follow tonight. I've already watched Nick Bruder's intensely powerful Macbeth on my second show and I want to see the other side of the pairing – played by one of my favourite performers. I know I'll get to see a good two-thirds of Macbeth's loop anyway, simply by following her and Boy Witch.
I love this loop. I love the way the power moves almost imperceptibly from one to the other. Lady M is so strong at the start of the loop. So persuasive, so opportunistic, so incredibly sexy. And early on in the loop Macbeth is so in love with her, but weak-willed ('too full o'th' milk of human kindness... not without ambition, but without the illness should attend it... etc'), and at times incredibly vulnerable – as she undresses him like a baby. He wants these things to happen, but without her behind him, would he have done any of it?
Their dances in the bedroom are incredible. I keep welling up as I watch the two of them throwing each other around the room (in fact I just welled up as I wrote that). Paul's Macbeth is so much more contained than Nick's – there is so much emotion going on in his face, and while Nick inspires awe, Paul inspires almost pity – he seems to do what he does despite himself. Maybe Hecate and the witches take the place of his wife in his decision-making.
Anna's Lady M is a very different beast. In public, until the very end, she is always so composed, so able to hold herself together – much more so than her husband. But when she's alone we see her true emotional state, and she drops the mask. At the start of the loop she's happy, powerful, ruthlessly ambitious but as the hour rolls on, little by little the reality of what they have done and what her husband is turning into starts to enter her consciousness and we see the tiny seeds of madness start to take root. Especially when he no longer needs her to feed his inner monster. Is this guilt? She starts to rub her hands unconsciously; and in her little room, looking at her reflection in the mirror, she almost lets herself be consumed by the madness. I cry again.
I wasn't expecting to feel so much sympathy for a character who Shakespeare hardly portrays in that way. But Anna makes her so human that at her most vulnerable my heart breaks for her, forgetting the instrumental role she's played. When she grabs my hand on her way upstairs, I grip it tightly, wanting to help somehow.
Her reset is one of the most impressive I've seen. She almost unfurls herself, slowly returning to her natural aristocratic, imperious composure as she gets dressed and discovers Macbeth's letter.
Planning to follow Boy Witch for the final loop, I leave Lady M at the ballroom and follow Malcolm. Who turns out to be Macduff. The confusion here is partly that both actors look quite similar. I may even have followed Malcolm out and then moved to Macduff, but I honestly don't know. I think one of them 'may' have been Zach McNally.
I realise it's Macduff when we reach the sweetshop scene with Sexy Witch. He runs out and seems to vomit in a corner of the high street. I could have sworn it was real – it looks as though there's something left behind there. I watch for any signs of it happening again, but he seems to recover – I am in awe of his dance in the opening to the rep bar corridor and I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hang upside down like that if he were ill. I guess it was acting after all – witchy magic!
I'm still not entirely convinced that when he whispers in a black mask's ear it isn't about the vomit in the corner, but when I later spot the lack of a speakeasy barman I think maybe it has something to do with that. And apparently Speakeasy was Nick Bruder for the first loop and someone else for the final loop, so hopefully Nick wasn't injured or ill.
I let him leave the bar at Banquo's murder, and stay behind for another opportunity to see Paul in action. I've seen this scene quite a few times but never have I seen such indecision in Macbeth's face. I almost feel as though he's changed his mind and decided not to kill his best friend. But sadly not. I follow him down to the banquet to find Boy Witch.
Jesse's Boy Witch. Wow.
I've been waiting for this ever since I found out he was playing this role. I may have mentioned this before, a lot, but I love watching him perform – I just think he is so brilliant. And he doesn't disappoint here. With a permanent naughty, almost evil smirk on his face, always looking as though he's up to something, and not always in a nice way. He's always intensely aware of us and, for this loop, of me in particular. Every opportunity he gets he's looking for me – in the mirror, singing to me, grabbing my hand to help him wipe away tears... It's very similar to my loop with Sexy Witch – similarly flirty – although I suspect that this time it's all done for show and not entirely for my sake. The Porter is usually jealously watching somewhere near, and Boy Witch is very aware of this.
Despite knowing I'm just another pawn in his game, I can't help but be swept up in the joy of it all. I don't feel sorry for the Porter at all for once and become a bit of a bitch to be honest, colluding with Boy Witch and even throwing triumphant looks back at the poor Porter as Boy Witch and I step backwards together from the lobby desk, hand in hand, and totally in sync. I feel like I'm a part of the show more than I ever have before.
'Is that all there is?' is just beautiful. He's seated me opposite him and directs much of the song to me, and I can't help giggling as I realise it's Peggy Lee's voice and not Jesse's – I bet he could do an impressive version of this if he were to sing it himself. I start off with a huge grin and then, without even realising how or when, it stops being funny or fun. How much of the sadness is for show? And how much is the real boy witch coming out?
There is one scene in particular when Boy Witch (and, in fact, Jesse) seems to stop acting. It's a horribly shocking moment and I can't quite believe he's not injured. He is incredibly vulnerable and suddenly like a little boy, and all I want to do is gather him up in my arms, stroke his hair and tell him everything is going to be ok. The mood is broken somewhat when he gets me to help him with his trousers and I haven't the faintest idea which way round they should go. I get it wrong and am relieved the mask and darkness hide my red face.
At one point, chasing him out of the Ballroom with WMs blocking my path, I sustain my first ever real Punchdrunk injury – walking straight into the corner of a ledge in the ballroom. It's still a beautiful bruise, over two weeks later.
I'm so caught up in the loop that when I write it up for myself I invent a whole new dance – one that I actually remember seeing but one which, according to Bloodwillhavebloodtheysay (my chosen expert on all matters Boy Witch), doesn't actually ever happen. Note to Punchdrunk: if you want to know how to make this loop even better, talk to me. I have a great new dance to add.
I have a front-row view of the rave as we get in early. Paul is less manic than Nick in this (as he is throughout the play) – the whole performance is more contained, and yet there is so much going on behind the eyes, especially as Macbeth practically bounces off the surrounding audience members.
I watch the final banquet opposite Boy Witch and at the finale Lady Macbeth comes down and stands next to the girl in front of me. As the show ends and the music plays, she turns around, looks at me, and holds out her hand. And I get a walk-out from the queen herself.
It's a perfect end to a wonderful show, and I'm actually craving an Old Fashioned. Punchdrunk habits die hard.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again - Visiting Sleep No More
I’ve recently come back to London after spending just over two weeks in the United States on vacation, mostly in New York. While I was there I saw a number of fantastic shows, which I hope to talk about in a little more detail – Cabaret (I’m usually not a musicals guy, but I thoroughly enjoyed this – and yes, it’s all about Alan Cumming), Red Eye to Havre de Grace (haunting but also unexpectedly humorous in places – and beautifully choreographed by Sophie Bortolussi), Then She Fell (an exquisite immersive production that is both beautiful and heartbreaking), and Point Break Live (yes, you read that correctly, there’s a stage show of Point Break – and it’s awesome). However, I’m a chronically slow writer, and I may not get around to writing about those productions despite my best intentions – if that’s the case, I’ll just say now that I’d strongly recommend seeing any of those four shows if you happen to find yourself in New York soon (although not Red Eye, because it finished on June 1st).
But one of the absolute highlights of my trip to New York was being able to see Sleep No More. Going in, I was excited about seeing my second ever Punchdrunk production. That said, I was also a little worried. Worried that I'd spend all of my time comparing it to The Drowned Man. Worried that it wouldn't click with me the way The Drowned Man had.
Thankfully, I fell in love with the show almost immediately, and spent six wonderful evenings exploring the mysteries of the McKittrick Hotel. I'll touch on a number of things that I particularly loved, or particularly struck me.
I absolutely loved the highly refined "late 1930s film noir as directed by Alfred Hitchcock" aesthetic. From the costuming (lots of men in tuxedos and suits, women in glamorous evening dresses) to the décor, the atmosphere is gorgeous, dark, and elegant. And, just as in The Drowned Man with its soundtrack of doo-wop and Shangri-Las songs, the music and sound design goes a long way in sustaining this atmosphere in Sleep No More. Period pieces by Benny Goodman and Tommy Dorsey sit alongside tracks from Bernard Herrmann’s Hitchcock scores, such as Vertigo and Psycho. And, just like The Drowned Man, a lot of this music has a way of looping in your mind long after the show is over - it wasn't long before I found myself in a music store picking up some Benny Goodman albums ...
It's interesting that the emotional tone of Sleep No More almost never varies. I find that the emotional tone of The Drowned Man actually varies quite a bit, with moments of horror and sinister dread, but also moments that are sweet, warm, and sometimes even laugh out loud funny (am I alone in thinking Punchdrunk would actually be able to pull off an immersive screwball comedy - something in the style of "Bringing up Baby"?). In Sleep No More, however, the tone is tightly defined - moody, dark and sinister, with an ever-present hint of the supernatural.
Another difference that struck me is the absolute absence of dialogue in Sleep No More. There's actually quite a lot of dialogue in The Drowned Man, while there's virtually none in Sleep No More, other than a murmured word or two. Absolutely everything is expressed through movement – and yet we know exactly what the characters are “saying” to each other, sometimes even down to specific lines from Macbeth. The scenes where Lady Macbeth is egging on her partner to murder King Duncan, for example, are a joy to watch. (Perhaps we can think of Sleep No More as one of the last silent movies, while The Drowned Man is most definitely a "talkie".)
Being able to explore an entirely new alternate universe was wonderful. I still love The Drowned Man, but after repeated visits certain areas of Temple Studios now feel quite familiar to me. So when I walked into the McKittrick it was wonderful to re-experience the feelings I had when I entered Temple Studios for the first time - a place where literally everything was unknown and mysterious and ready to be explored. It's a wonderful, heady feeling.
After the cinematic scale of The Drowned Man, which is sweeping and epic in some of its areas, the much tighter spaces of Sleep No More really struck me. Of course, in many ways "tighter" is just comparatively speaking - if I had never been to Temple Studios, I'd be describing the McKittrick as an enormous space, sprawling over several floors. That said, many of the spaces are smaller - while The Drowned Man plays out on large soundstages and in deserts and forests, Sleep No More's action often happens in places such as cramped baggage check areas, intimate changing rooms, small crypts. This has a fascinating impact on the choreography, with walls, shelves, and ceilings often incorporated into the movement, with some characters literally climbing the walls at times - it's breath-taking stuff. (There are larger set-pieces too, though, which are wonderful.)
I also loved it as a production of Macbeth. It’s fascinating to follow characters who, in a regular production, have walked off stage – what do those three witches get up to when they’re not busy dispensing prophecies to Macbeth and Banquo? Well, now’s your chance to find out. Also, I find it interesting that this is a production of Macbeth that actually retains Hecate (recent McAvoy and Brannagh productions dispensed with the character – and let’s face it, the scene when she runs around and sings with the other witches would come off a bit goofy in most productions). I won't say much about Hecate, but I can assure you that in Sleep No More she is in no way goofy, and is well worth spending some time around.
I love that there are spaces where you can hang out even if you aren't going to the show itself. There's Gallow Green, the gorgeous rooftop bar with a range of excellent cocktails, and The Heath, the restaurant where diners may sometimes find themselves whisked away from their tables and into a 1:1. You don't need a ticket to go to either of those spaces (and they're kept separate from the show, so there's no risk of accidentally wandering in), but they both maintain the carefully cultivated atmosphere of Sleep No More - so even if you're just popping by for an open air drink for an hour or two, you can still enjoy the ambience the McKittrick Hotel. Even the Manderley bar itself, Sleep No More's equivalent to Studio 3 in The Drowned Man, becomes open to the public after the show has finished and stays open for quite a while, with a different band playing each night. It's wonderful that Sleep No More has these extra spaces - although it does make me sad that The Drowned Man never got to have these kinds of added extras.
Okay, at this point I'm narrowing things down to some specific characters, performers, and moments (so I'm really talking about my specific experiences here):
It was an absolute pleasure to be able to see Anna Finkel and Paul Zivkovich perform again. In The Drowned Man both Paul's Fool and Anna's Wendy were works of heart-breaking beauty (and Anna's Drugstore Girl once took me down to the finale, which is about five minutes of my life that I've never forgotten.) Of course, Sleep No More fans are already well acquainted with Paul as he was there before he migrated to The Drowned Man, but as far as I know Anna is new to Sleep No More. New York, you're in for an absolute treat - she's amazing.
(Anna Finkel and Paul Zivkovich - images taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
I loved following the witches, particularly Bald Witch (the stunning Hope Davis – completely magnetic and powerful) and Sexy Witch (who pulled me in into an utterly dizzying interaction – apologies, I didn’t find out the performer’s name, but she was amazing). As I said before, it's fascinating to follow characters who in Shakespeare's text have walked off stage, and see where they go next. And if you’re lucky, you just might get to dance with one of the witches, which is lovely.
(Hope Davis - image taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
Banquo (Tim Heck) has some absolutely amazing solo dances (and a fantastic one with Bald Witch too), and a moment of audience interaction that is incredibly emotional – I could feel my eyes tearing up as it happened. I was also fortunate enough to be walked out to the Manderley at the end of the same show by Banquo, which built on the emotions from before – as he smiled gently at me and squeezed my arm, I felt I was saying goodbye to family, or an old friend.
(Tim Heck - image taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
Hecate (Zhauna Franks) giving me a mission which saw me pounding through the McKittrick with a very sketchy knowledge of the building's layout in my head, and being rewarded with an utterly bonkers interaction when I (somehow) successfully made it back. She also has, for me, one of the creepiest moments of the show that I saw – but hey, she is the queen of the witches, so that’s only fair.
(Zhauna Franks - image taken from The Pensive Professor on Sleep No More.)
The Porter (Austin Goodwin) - quite possibly the saddest of Sleep No More's characters. If you want to spend some time dwelling on the bittersweet pain of unrequited love, the Porter's your man. He’s also a fascinating character in the way that he pops up on the periphery of a number of other character’s stories – it’s interesting to suddenly find yourself reviewing a scene you’ve seen before through very different eyes.
(Austin Goodwin - image taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
Lady Macduff (Kristin Clotfelter) – following Lady Macduff was an experience that I found to be emotional and heartbreaking. But not heartbreaking in the romantic sense, or in the sense of something that’s beautifully sad, both of which would fit for the Porter. Lady Macduff is a character that your heart totally goes out to, somebody that you want to protect, and because of this watching what she goes through is pretty upsetting. It’s an amazing loop, but be prepared to be emotionally bruised by the end of it.
(Kristin Clotfelter - image taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
Agnes Naismith (sadly, I didn’t get this performer’s name either) - if you want to follow someone who's trying to unravel a mystery, Agnes is totally for you.
The Manderley Bar - There were a number of different characters in Manderley on the nights that I went, greeting visitors as they came in, but the two characters there I connected with were Elizabeth (Virginia Logan) and Eveen (this was how she pronounced her name in an Irish accent - looking up Irish girls' names suggests I should be spelling it Aoibheann – but if there are any Sleep No More or Irish name experts out there who know how this is spelled, do let me know! She was played by Megh Dixon). I had some highly amusing conversations with Elizabeth and Aoibheann – and I must say that the Manderley hosts are decidedly more flirty than the Studio Executives in Studio 3! I also remember on two nights, after the show had finished and we had all settled in for drinks, Aoibheann singing Nature Boy in the Manderley, accompanied just by a music box, interspersing the song with monologues on life and love that were witty, warm, and sweet.
(Top - Virginia Logan, Bottom - Megh Dixon - images taken from Sleep No More's Facebook.)
One time, during a conversation in Manderley, Aoibheann introduced me to an artist called Gabriel, who sat me down and showed me a book of sketches he had done of McKittrick guests. "This is Agnes", he would say, turning a page, "she's just recently moved in. She's a bit of a strange one." Finally, he came to a blank page. "And this one", he said, indicating the page "is you." And then he began to sketch. Later, when he handed me what is quite frankly the most wonderful Punchdrunk memento I've ever been given, he said, "Have you heard the story that if you take a photo of someone, or sketch them, you steal a piece of their soul? Well, that's complete nonsense. But let me tell you - what you're holding does have a piece of my soul in it, so please take care of it."
The three witches’ second prophecy to Macbeth – a scene that’s breath-taking in its audacity, in the way it absolutely smashes the refined aesthetic that has been carefully maintained up until that point. I could say more, and I know that Sleep No More fans refer to this scene in a particular way, but I really don't want to say anything about it that would lessen the impact of the shock.
The interrogation scene between Malcolm and Macduff – if you’re lucky enough (and fast enough) to get into the tiny room where this happens, you’re in for an incredibly exciting scene.
The finale – a beautiful gutpunch of an ending that left me stunned every time. At the end of The Drowned Man, everyone always breaks into rapturous applause (and rightly so). That most certainly doesn't happen at the end of Sleep No More (again, I could say more, but I think it would lessen the impact).
It's a little over two weeks now since I returned to London, and my time in New York and at the McKittrick in particular is already fading from something sharp and vivid, and into my dreams … but I dream that perhaps, one day, I will be able to return to Manderley again.
Today is Sarah’s birthday. Sarah had seen the show possibly twice back when I'd been 10 times. This is now her 18th. She quite likes The Drowned Man.
She's not the only one. In the end a group of nearly 30 of us are gathered in the Sawyers after work – a mix of newbies and old hands. As one of the latter I decide not to race for the first lift, for the first time in months, and end up queuing just behind actor Nigel Lindsay – the first 'celeb' I've ever seen in the Studios. A quick glance at the board on the way in confirms that the amazing Jane Leaney is playing Dolores, so that’s my choice for first loop. I've never really been drawn to Dolores, and I don't know why. It's time to find out more about her.
Spoilers ahead…
I get out in the basement and head upstairs to her bedroom. Dolores is standing at her mirrors, dressed only in underwear, looking a little worse for wear. I calculate that I must have arrived after the initiation scene, so she has presumably just found out she’s playing the grandmother – upsetting news for any diva worth her salt. But she manages to control her emotions long enough to put on her dress and shoes and is surprised to be called to Studio 4 by Voice-Of-God Stanford.
There’s nobody waiting there for her, though, and no more instructions come through from Mr S. She keeps shouting out to Leland – they've known each other long enough to be on first name terms – but he’s not listening, or at least not responding, and she gets more and more desperate, running up the snowy hill and sliding back down again and again. It seems she's realising for the first time that she's totally alone, and that the studio doesn't actually care about her. Other than me she actually is alone in there – even the ghostly white-masked audience seems to have lost interest.
When her fear of being old and alone threatens to overcome her, she staggers upstairs to the doctor (Fred). I follow behind, trying to keep out of the way – using my usual trick of staying out of the light and against the wall. In this case though, the doctor’s torch acts as a surprise spotlight and I am suddenly in its glare as he focuses its light on her, forcing her back against the wall. I wriggle away to the side just in time. It's not the only time I get in the way this evening.
After the orgy, when she's called into the ante-room by Alice (Emily), it’s like a horror film the way Dolores becomes old before our eyes. And as the rubber mask goes over her head and Dolores struggles to breathe underneath, Alice, true to form, is unable to keep the smirk off her face. She keeps looking incredulously at the white masks scattered around the space, as if to say ‘what the hell is going on?’.
Dolores heads slowly upstairs, breathing erratically and struggling with the heavy doors like an arthritic old lady. The white mask just ahead of me gives her a hand. The cape hides Jane's powerful dancer's frame well so if you didn't know better she could well be a fragile old woman under there.
In the bedroom the PA (Lucia) is waiting menacingly with a mirror, using it to herd a fearful Dolores underneath her enormous wall of mirrors. How ironic. Her favourite place to stand and admire herself while in diva mode has now become a place of nightmares as she's confronted by image upon image of an aged self. And her erratic breathing morphs into a full-blown panic attack. From where I'm standing I have a perfect view – Andrea (Fania) and Claude (Ira) dancing on one side of the window, the PA removing the mask on my side.
And for the first time ever I notice snow falling outside the window. It's magical how these amazing little details are only really noticeable from certain viewpoints – I’ve watched the Andrea scene three or four times, and yet have never seen falling snow in here before.
Dolores tidies herself up and resets. She’s once more the ridiculously glamorous star of Temple Studios as she heads to the caravans to find Frankie (Conor). Jane commands such presence in the role – without needing to say a word, you know when she's in the room. It's not just her height or frame, but she has an aura of sorts – it's not hard to see what Marshall sees in her.
I have half-seen Dolores and Marshall's snow room dance before, many moons ago, but hadn’t registered how lovely it is. It’s so carefree and funny – a proper ‘I have to hug myself as I’m so happy to be standing here watching this’ kind of dance, although there’s very little actual dancing – and a lot of sliding and giggling. Dolores is singing along to ‘I can never go home anymore’ and they both seem so happy. Such moments are rare in this show and they never last long.
This one doesn’t. The PA enters while they're kissing behind a pillar (from my perspective at least). She sweeps us all aside so she can flash the reflection from the watch box in D and M’s faces. And it's clear that Dolores doesn’t yet understand the PA’s power, as she snaps at her and tells her never to disturb her private moments again.
But she’s still on a high, dressed in glamorous nightie and gown, as we head into the dressing room where Claude is waiting to spin her, until he drops hints about the grandmother role. She's horrified. She's been playing the role of a young, glamorous star for so long that she's almost forgotten that it's no longer true. In fact if certain records in Temple Studios are to be believed, Dolores (not Jane) is a hell of a lot older than she looks. She staggers back to her bedroom and collapses on the sofa at the back, hyperventilating.
Somehow I manage to get in the way again during her passionate dance with Marshall (Fionn) in the next scene, despite standing out of the light against the wall. Maybe this is one of those areas they’ve struggled to light. Luckily I'm moved out of the way by a black mask, as shortly afterwards Dolores is literally slammed against the wall exactly where I’d been.
This must have been one of the first scenes I ever saw, when I'd followed Fania’s PA out of the basement on my first show. I thought I’d lost her, but I realise now that in fact she probably had just moved to the foot of the bed – and, being somewhat (ok, very) disorientated, I had lost track of her in the crowd.
At the initiation I’ve pretty much done her loop and, forgetting that I’d planned to follow the doctor next, I'm distracted by Sam Booth's Mr Stanford once again, and follow him out to his dressing room. He sits down just as Romola (Katie McG) comes in, brushing me as she passes – moving me out of the way?
This moment seems to have changed a little since I followed Romola. After their dance, rather than getting her to slap him, he does it to himself a few times, and she then copies him as a joke. The whole scene is lighter hearted than before. It seems clearer that he really is very fond of her, although those who've followed him from the start of the loop will have seen him plot her downfall with the seamstress. Even when he glances at the white masks around him, it’s more inclusive, and less ‘are you watching this?’. It's such a contrast from the usual man that anyone joining at this point would assume Mr Stanford to be rather sweet.
When he collapses he demonstrates some pretty impressive eye rolling – all we can see are the whites. I find this really quite painful to do myself – proof of Sam Booth's dedication to his art. He beckons in my general direction but I don't want to assume he means me so I stay back, and when he can see again he looks at a girl near me and calls her over instead.
His wheelchair seems particularly slow this evening – waiting to hear Wendy and Andrea’s voices coming round the corner perhaps. As usual he ushers the crowds of white masks to follow them and Lila. When one person shakes their head, determined to stick with him, he looks amused. Mr Stanford is in a good mood this evening.
This time I'm allowed to follow him (with others) down the corridor to the PA. I don’t remember him ever being this chatty before. ‘Did you see that? Wasn’t it great!’ And when he goes into the reel-to-reel room with Lila he takes a group of us in with him – last time there was just the one girl. He's feeling generous too.
When he takes someone off for the 1:1, I head out and find the doctor in the corridor, busy examining a terrified Lila. I've never seen this bit, so I follow him and his huge crowd (where does he pick them all up?) into the temple ante-room. He’s playing the role of host, putting his arm around a white mask and taking them over to each of the effigies, presumably explaining who they are. I wish I could hear what he's saying – that'll have to be a plan for another show I guess.
He walks to the desk just as Stanford arrives after what must be a very short 1:1. I have no memory of ever having seen this scene before, although I've done a full Stanford loop. It's perfectly possible that I was a bit overcome after my first ever 1:1 (or perhaps they were running a bit late and missed each other).
Something has happened to formerly good-mood Stanford. He’s certainly not entirely himself at the moment. Back in his office he stares at his desk for a moment before slamming his forehead down hard (it makes a proper thwack). When he eventually lifts his head, Wendy's eyeless photo is stuck there, and he reaches up and takes it off, putting it on the desk so that the light glows through the eyeholes.
Sam's patience and willingness to work those pauses amuses me as he waits and waits and waits for the phone to be picked up at the other end – patience not shared by many of the white masks who wander off, thinking the show's over.
I’ve decided to abandon him when we get upstairs... I've missed the hoedown and I want to hang out in the drugstore. I feel so much more comfortable hanging out in the town than in the studio – it feels a bit like home. Worrying, considering the kinds of things that go on there, but true. And the drugstore in particular is somewhere I feel very happy. It’s the lovely Anna Finkel playing Drugstore Girl today. She's tidying up when I arrive and I take a stool in the middle of the counter.
Almost as soon as I sit down she cleans a glass and pours me a lemonade. There’s just the one straw but she watches me and smiles as I drink it, then gets out the nail polish, opens it and looks at me mischievously, looking delighted when I offer my hand. She just has time to do three nails before Andy (James Finnemore) and Miguel (Carl ) arrive. I jump up, blowing on my nails to dry them. I'm not in the way – for once.
Just for a moment, as I watch Andy and DG dance, I'm suddenly overcome by a strange feeling of being actually there, in the 1960s, watching a dance in a drugstore. And then two girls talking loudly behind me break the spell – I spin round and they’re sitting at a table with their masks perched on their heads, whingeing about something. I give them as much of an evil glare as is possible from behind a mask, and next time I look they’re gone.
I love this loop because things tend to happen around you and you can just sit and soak up the atmosphere, singing quietly along with the music, and getting a refreshing glass of lemonade along with it! It's quiet, relaxing and as fun and lighthearted as it's possible to be within Temple Studios. Especially the final loop. So after Bull-Dog I take a seat again and watch a procession of visitors troop through.
First it's Harry (James Traherne). I definitely need to follow him - he's very different from James Sobol Kelly. A proper old-school clown, although just as much of an alcoholic. By the final loop DG's pile of Miracle Salve is quite high, but it doesn't stop her buying another tin.
Next up is Badlands Jack (Sean). His BLJ is the swaggeriest I’ve seen – cocky and bullish (probably all an act). He, more than the others I’ve seen, very clearly owns the drugstore, and walks straight behind the counter to help himself to a glass of water. He’s a proper bully.
Final visitor is the grocer (Monsur), who arrives for his napkin moment. While she waits for him to bring back the dispenser, she gets on the counter to put on her roller skates and is still sitting on there when he returns.
She unfolds the hidden script for me to read, then pours a glass of water, and before I realise it has disappeared out of the door on her skates. I chase after her – my feet are definitely not as fast as her wheels – and find her with the security guard. This is new to me – something that only Anna does I think (when I followed Sophie she didn't even wear roller skates). As she's about to hand over the glass, Marshall suddenly arrives and she hides round the corner to watch him trying to escape over the top of the gate.
The guard never gets the water as he's too distracted by Marshall, so she tries the grocer next. And then heads to the saddlery. I’ve never seen her dance with the barman (Ed W) before either and it’s fun to watch as he twirls her all around the fountain area before they head back into the saddlery to take off her skates and put on some cowboy boots ready for the hoedown.
Andy isn't exactly looking like good boyfriend material by the end of the hoedown and DG looks very sad as she leaves him to fight. She slumps on the bench in the saddlery, her mood not helped by the sight of Faye (Miranda) and Miguel kissing. While Sophie's DG was jokey with them, Anna's is definitely jealous. She keeps the boots on, picks up her skates and heads back to the drugstore despondently, looking back longingly at Andy by the fountain. I make myself comfortable on a stool again and watch as she tidies up a bit and sticks the page of script on the wall. I notice for the first time all the drawings on there. Have these been done by cast or audience?
She pours me a glass of water (no chance of dehydration on this loop) and gets me to pick my own straw. This time she has her own glass, too, and we drink together – staring and giggling as we do. Is this a challenge to see who can finish first? She beckons to me and I lean over the counter as she whispers 'do I know you?'. I don't know if she’s asking me as Anna or as DG so I kind of shrug non-committally and smile apologetically (not that she can see my smile).
Andy comes rushing in and gets down meds, presumably for William. I’ve seen this before, but hadn't noticed that's what he was getting. After he rushes out I’m on the wrong side of the room to help pick up the postcards, but another girl's on hand and they get most of them, although a couple of minutes later they're knocked over again, this time by Badlands.
DG leaves them this time, picks up the rose from the back, and we walk out to the stairs together, where she takes my hand. I’m smiling at first but I realise that she’s actually really nervous all the way down, so I stop singing along with the Shangri-Las. Does she know what she’s about to see? As we watch Marshall dance from the steps, she squeezes my hand and rests her head on my shoulder.
And watching the murder, she stands behind me, shaking and clasping my hands – I feel the need to comfort her, so I move my hands to grip hers back. But the second Stanford yells cut, her mood completely switches and she pulls me back through the trees, dancing and swaying ahead of me. Her happiness is infectious and I 'dance' behind her, unable to stop from smiling back at her, although my dancing is back to being embarrassingly bad.
The rest of the evening passes in a happy blur as a drunken gang of Sarah's friends take over the dark opium room and drink (and spill) too much prosecco, while struggling to make out who we're talking to.
I have one more show booked and then it's time for a proper break – one that lasts longer than three weeks. Admittedly I'll have Sleep No More in the middle, to tide me over, and if there are any special events I won't be able to stop myself booking them, but at 17 shows (extending my overdraft by about £600 - give or take £50-100) I feel I'm ready to step back a bit and give this show that I love so much just a little bit of distance.
