#another dusting draft

[autumnishere1107]

Being openly nonhuman and species expressive in my fashion can be scary and such sometimes, other times (most times) I find it empowering.

Yesterday (psst it isn't now, this was written 17th April...) an older lady sat down next to me on the bus and said "are you a wolf?". And prior to getting on the bus another woman noted that I "looked like someone with unique interests" hehe.

There was also a kid that was absolutely flabbergasted, (i hope in a good way). Yes kiddo that is a werewolf you are looking at.

[autumnishere1107]

What if sleepy bc nonhuman... I'm a cat who regardless of species sleeps a looot.

Even regardless it is affirming, and makes it easier for me to motivate going to sleep

[autumnishere1107]

Adding my nonhumanity and interest in alterhumanity (& adjacents) to my school work is so freeing. Like PE sucks to me bc of my social fear, gender dysphoria and such. But now we have gotten to make personalized training plans and I did quadrobics. I have also mentioned alterhuman identity in some of my Swedish projects, also I've talked some to my Swedish teacher about it! My Swedish teacher has also read one of my essays- specifically my 15-page (WIP) one on the definition of therianthropy. (I will post it publicly after I've polished it, whenever that happens...) I have also shown her my alterhuman dictionary!

Update for posting: I am now free from school PE, the previous semester was my last!

[autumnishere1107]

Sometimes I can't stand most folk my age. Not only due to my nohnumanity. But just Gruhhh.

Some weeks ago (months ago at the time of posting) I made a joke about why I chose my name. Two people immediately asked me what my deadname was. When I said "Hey I am not comfortable with that. It is a trigger" they kept asking.

So I blurted out "I have ptsd". One went silent and the other defaulted to a "Back when I served in Vietnam-" joke. Like sorry but fuck off, and I felt blame for their discomfort??? I thought everyone knew I was trans, I'm extremely open and very not discrete. I don't mind telling people I have ptsd, but this was not a comfortable scenario doing such.

(Extra pain in the fact my deadname was my abusers name as well hence the ptsd mention! I'm that lucky guys/hsarc )

This shit is one of the reasons I am dreading the start of school. (I have some other not fun reasons, may or may not share what. I am a bit fearful due to the subject)

[autumnishere1107]

Having this amount of trauma for my childhood sucks in many ways. But one thing I fear and grubble on the most is on my self. I truly do not know who I am, not without my trauma. I don't know. It feels like I may likely be a nice person only out of necessity, not bu true empathy. I wonder how self centred I am truly. How I'd truly interact. Without my trauma I feel like nothing. I feel there was nothing before my trauma. I remember the traumatic memories, a teeeny bit more. But other than that everything up until like ~3-4 years ago (2022/2023) is mainly just... blank Also cause I've accumulated issues that most people my age don't know how to interact with. A ramble on this is also in my drafts gruh...

[autumnishere1107]

Important information for folk! I think more individuals should try linking if I'm honest...

[autumnishere1107]

A post on self harm and nonhumanity

[PT: A post on self harm and nonhumanity, end PT.]

Content/Trigger warning for discussions of self harm and blood consumption.

[ Image ID:A divider of autumn leaves and dots, varying from maple to oak leaves in a light yellowish orange and a brownish red. End ID. ]

The duality of wanting to self harm because I'm an immoral being... and being immoral due to harming myself. I don't know, there's just something about clawing my arms to the shiny wetness expels from my flesh. The pain of transformation, and the despair when I cannot.

Pain feels so good because it feels deserved, monstrous- affirming my nonhumanity. And also just... bleeding is so affirming, so fucking affirming. When it gets on my claws.. when it drips down onto the floor... when it climbs down my limbs. It makes me feel alive, like my body is replenishing after a shift. I want to lick the metallic juice off, and then clean my fur. Patch up after a rough time. I feel that my body just *needs* it. I have discussed it a bit before, but my body gets a lot of weird symptoms that most would associate with low iron- but there isn't "actually" anything wrong upon looking into it. I think it is just that as a werewolf I requite more, since I don't get that I would get in my normal diet. I was going to write more for this, but I can't think of much more to say- so I may add onto this later...