Kisses and Other Things That Don’t Quite Matter (Yet)
Summary:
In the pivotal moment where they sat in a field surrounded by titans, Mikasa kissed Eren goodbye. This is the aftermath. Alternate Chapter 50
Rated G | Fluff, Humor, and Cuteness | WC: 2.3K
A/N: This little oneshot is dedicated to @mathismykryptonite. I am years late (so embarrassing to say), but the occasion is technically still the correct one. Congratulations on your wonderful achievement! You’ve worked hard, so I hope you enjoy this! I’m very proud of you 🫶🏾💗
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READ ON AO3
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Mikasa kissed him. If that could even be called a kiss, but how would he know. It had been the only kiss he’d ever had. Soft, chapped lips pressed against his tear slicked ones, the iron taste of blood coming from one or both of them, her face so close that it blurred his already unclear vision.
At the time, it hadn’t really registered. It was quick, over in the blink of an eye, not a peck but nothing prolonged either. All Eren remembered was being despondent, hopeless because his ability was still as shit as it had always been. His fellow corps members were being slaughtered all around him, those closest to him on the brink of death for what amounted to a suicide mission to save his useless ass.
The betrayal was unexpected, totally blindsiding. Even now, despite the blistering anger, the regret of trusting them as friends, depending on them as comrades, it still didn’t fully feel real. Maybe that’s why his mind glanced over that kiss. Death was imminent, and Mikasa could still find it in herself to comfort him, to remind him to fight until the very end to protect those important to him.
Eren wasn’t going to let Mikasa die. He didn’t when they were children. That would never change and by some power, he managed it. He managed to get her to safety, to be treated for her wounds and broken ribs. Through every step of her recovery, he was there beside her bed. It was never a situation he’d want to see her in, but it wasn’t an entirely unpleasant change being able to be one taking care of her needs at the side of her bed. Just like the kiss, it was over before it really started.
She was in bed for a mere three days before being up and about despite those who cautioned her otherwise, himself included but her being able once more meant his number of chores increased and it was when he was doing those said chores that his mind unintentionally wandered and Eren remembered that Mikasa had kissed him.
He’d been in that moment again, vowing to get stronger, to never give up, to figure out how he’d managed to do what he did. As his worries for her and Armin and the rest of his squadmates dissipated over the following days, the memories made their way to the forefront of his mind. Recalling that particular moment, however made his feather duster freeze mid-swipe, the life of a dust bunny getting an extension.
Blinking rapidly, Eren didn’t quite know what to do with the…information. He wasn’t sure how to process it. Mikasa had kissed him. They’d kissed. Kissed. Kissing was something he’d seen his parents do. Couples did that, kissing that is. He’d seen older cadets doing that. That being kissing…which was definitely something not done with a sibling or family member. Shit, Mikasa had kissed him.
Frozen on that step stool, Eren could feel the blood rushing to his ears. He would’ve stayed frozen on that step stool, mind drawing all the blanks, if the Captain hadn’t passed by and asked what the fuck was wrong with his face. Not before snapping at him to stop being such a lazy ass and to get this disgusting shit (dust) out of his sight.
Suffice to say the question further flustered him, causing his face to grow redder and the Captain to become more annoyed. Thankfully, he didn’t care enough to insist on Eren answering the inquiry about his wellbeing which was just as well because Eren wasn’t sure he would ever be able to look the Levi in the face again if he did. There were more important things to worry about. That’s what he told himself. Because it was true.
Yet, Levi wasn’t the only person who noticed he was…off. He could tell Armin wasn’t far from saying something about it, but he just couldn’t focus. The worst thing of all was that Mikasa, in all the time he sat by her bedside and even the time after, she never said anything about it. Why? Did…did she regret it? Did that mean it was something done in the heat of the moment with death just seconds away?
Eren had to know. He had to. This was the conclusion he came to after a few days of deliberation, of waiting for her to bring it up and explain what this was all about, of watching her every move because it didn’t seem like she was struggling awkwardly the way he was and did that mean it didn’t matter to her?
So Eren found himself tiptoeing out of the boys’ room, across the house to the girls’ room, and sneaking the door open as quietly as he could. Another sleepless night meant getting chewed out about his lack of attention and lack of being able to follow Hange’s orders when it came to the experiments and that shouldn’t happen because they had more important things to worry about than why Mikasa kissed him then proceeded to do nothing afterwards. Surely they didn’t both have the excuse of forgetting.
“Mikasa,” he whispered after sitting on the edge of her bed looking over her peacefully sleeping form for a few seconds. That was all it took for her eyes to peal open, to briefly search the darkness, to settle upon him. Voice soft as always, she asked,
“Ereh? What’s wrong?” It took everything within him not to scramble back when she sat up. Her face was close. Not as close as when she’d kissed him but close enough to remind him of it.
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.” At his answer, her head tilted in confusion, sleep still in her expression and bed hair. He couldn’t catch himself before the word ‘cute’ came to mind. This was crazy. It was all because of that kiss, all because –
“Are you unwell?” Her hand was cool against his forehead, but he always ran hot anyway and he didn’t need her babying him.
“No,” he snapped, knocking her hand away then immediately feeling like an ass because he was here in the middle of the night waking her up for seemingly no reason. “S-Sorry. I just couldn’t sleep.”
“Oh…Do you want to lie down with me? Like we used to?”
“No! We’re not kids anymore, Mikasa! Why would you even suggest something like that?”
“It used to make me feel better when I couldn’t sleep,” she answered mournfully, and he felt like an even bigger ass.
“Haa, shit.” He was really mucking this up, but how did someone just bring something like this up? Was that why she hadn’t said anything?
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Her hand settled on the hand he’d just run through his hair. This wouldn’t get any easier. It was best to just come out and say it.
“You kissed me.”
“Huh?”
“You kissed me.”
“When did I – did I…oh.” Oh? So, she did forget? Eren watched her searching for an answer, but all he saw were her slate eyes blinking owlishly, the color in her face ripening to a possibly concerning degree. Out of habit, he could see her hand reach up to adjust her scarf, fingers clutching at the air uselessly before dropping. In silence they sat for moments that stretched long just staring at each other in bewilderment.
“Uh…”
“Uhm…”
“So…why did you do that?” That was a good question to start with, right?
“Why?” Mikasa clutched the blankets.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know.” It was said so lowly that he barely caught it.
“You don’t know? What do you mean you don’t know? Do you just go around kissing people or something?” The thought made him inexplicably angry because a, why would he not know that and b, who else was she kissing besides him? Who had the audacity to –
“No! Of course, I don’t go around kissing people, Eren. I – I’ve only ever kissed…you.” And just like that the burgeoning rage vanished, replaced by warmth.
“Just me?” She nodded in affirmation. “Good.”
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“Have you…ever kissed anyone? Besides me?” His brow furrowed.
“What? Don’t ask stupid questions like that, Mikasa. Who else would I even think about kissing?”
“I don’t know!” She grew impossibly redder, gaze dropping to the bedding. Great. All that was established but he still didn’t have an answer to his question.
“So, you don’t know why you kissed me? Okay, well why didn’t you say anything afterwards?”
“I was recovering.” There was this thing Mikasa did when she lied. It wasn’t something she did often, but her nose would wrinkle and eyes would cut to the side when what she said wasn’t the truth. His eyes narrowed at the tell.
“You could have said something after.”
“Days had passed. There was no point in bringing it up.”
“Do…do you regret it?” Her eyes dropped to the blanket again. The silence was deafening. “Is it because family wouldn’t act like that, wouldn’t do that,” he demanded.
“I – I don’t understand.”
“You see me as family, don’t you?”
“Yes, you’re my family?” Her answer was unsure, puzzlement clear on her face, but Eren couldn’t see that.
“So because you see me as some kid brother or child no matter how many times I’ve said otherwise, you regret kissing me.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?!” He wanted to stop himself, he wanted to back off seeing Mikasa starting to curl in on herself, but he couldn’t. Eren didn’t know what but stopping wasn’t an option. “Tell me what you meant.”
“You didn’t say anything either.” She sounded so small. “You didn’t say anything or act any differently, so I thought – I thought that you hated it.” Oh. That actually made sense. Maybe he shouldn’t say it was because he kind of forgot?
“So it’s not because you see us as family?” Mikasa leveled with stare that was both exasperated and pouty. And people said she wasn’t expressive.
“Y’know, there’s more to a family than just siblings or parent to child relationships. Families starts from a mama and papa who aren’t related at all. I mean, they become a husband and wife first before the mama and papa part so that makes the two of them family.” Huh, that was true, wasn’t it.
“But you’re not my wife,” Eren said thoughtfully.
“A – and you’re not my husband!” He could be, though. Who else would Mikasa marry but him anyway!
“I didn’t hate it, by the way,” he said tentatively after a long beat, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“Didn’t hate – oh. You didn’t?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Oh, okay,” she nodded. Really, what was there to hate? It had been quick, over in the blink of an eye. Not a peck but nothing prolonged either.
“W – We should do it again.”
“Do what?” Her head tilted again in question. ‘Adorable.’
“Kiss,” he huffed impatiently.
“You want to?!”
“You don’t?” Fuck, why did he say that?
“No! I – I mean, yes? I – I mean –
“Mikasa definitely wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss her. As a matter of fact, I want you guys to kiss too. Maybe the both of you will be quieter in the middle of the night if your lips are smooching and no sound can come out.”
“Sasha?!”
“By the fucking walls!” Both their attentions whipped to the bed closest by. The normally chipper Sasha was not who they found staring at them. Fair, it had been a grueling few days getting this place to be in habitable shape and securing supplies while trying to remain off the grid. Still, Eren didn’t think he’s ever experienced embarrassment like this, like the kind where he didn’t want to be see. Humiliation, yes, but not this. “Uh, exactly how long have you been awake.”
“Somewhere around ‘We’re not kids anymore, Mikasa!’” She’d heard that much?! Embarrassment slipped into mortification. “How about you, Kris – Historia?”
“I was awake when he came in. The door creaks slightly,” she murmured across the room. Goddamn…He didn’t even want to look in that direction. What came after mortification? Death?
“M – Maybe you should go.” Mikasa’s voice was back to its initial whisper. No it was less than that. If he wasn’t already close, it would have been swallowed by the night.
“No, no. Don’t leave on our account. Just pretend we’re not here like you were before.” Who knew Sasha was so good at sarcasm.
“Might as well finish. You’re here anyway,” Krista – Historia sighed quietly. Shuffling came from behind him as she readjusted herself. Had she turned her back to give them privacy? If so, the same could not be said for the cranky Sasha who stared pointedly. Eren could practically hear his joints creak as his rose.
“Right, uh, yeah. Sorry to…disturb you.”
“As you should be.” Wow, okay, she was really grouchy. Turning to Mikasa, he had everything intention of doing the same, of apologizing and wishing her a goodnight (again), and going on his way not only to rest peacefully but to consider when they might be able to continue this conversation at a more appropriate time and with less company, but she wouldn’t look at him. Eren didn’t like that. Sure, she was embarrassed and rightfully so. He was too. But he could still look at her. Yeah that wouldn’t do.
It was still quick, but it wasn’t over in the blink of an eye. Not a peck and maybe the slightest bit prolonged. Eren wanted to remember kissing Mikasa in detail from the way he held her chin, to the way their noses kinda squashed against each other, to the little squeak she let out when their lips met. He didn’t want her to think he hated kissing her and he definitely wanted it to be made known he wanted to do it again. And again. And again. He’d figure out what that meant later.
In the meantime, he’d hurry back to bed and figure out how to make kissing…more than just kissing? Better? Figure out what to do pass smooshing lips for a period of time? Damn, he never imagined something like kissing could be so complicated.
Sudden Realisation No. 2 Smiling Titan/Dina only reach out towards Eren, cause she might sense Grisha Jaeger! ;_______; OH MY GOD, EREN! YOU KILLED YOUR STEPMOTHER!
OMG! O______O Realisation No. 1 that Eren managed to "activate" his Coordinates Power in Chapter 50, not because Mikasa Ackerman was with him BUT he touches a Fritz (now known as Reiss)! ;______;
This was probably one of the most emotional chapters in aot, for me at least, you get the sense of the desperation. Plus all the characters thinking that this is it, this is where they would all die together.
Armin looking at Eren one last time, knowing that he could die along with Jean
Mikasa feeling that this was the end and thanks Eren for everything he did for her, for saving her life when they were kids
Erwin about to kill himself before a titan kills him... (plus his arm is missing...)
The desperation and the sense that they were all going to really die in this chapter was beyond compare- (here I am crying cause i want them all to live)
RIP Hannes. ♥
YMIR YOU BETTER NOT FREAKING DIE.
WHERE IS LEVI WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM?!
amazing chapter, now to wait another month. :(
