Snack: fruit shortcakes, mini eggs, refresher and peanuts
Dinner: pasta with butter beans, carrots, pepper and tomatoes
Drink: energy drink
I dont think I'm doing too well at recovery. I barely had over 1,000 c@ls today, I felt like I had to get 10k steps in, I'm still tracking and weighing my food. Idk, I just don't think I'm really recovering yk, or at least doing the bare minimum and not really trying
Dinner: quorn cocktail sausages, scrambled egg whites, chips, green beans, seaweed and tomato puree
Dessert: rice pudding
Drinks: latte, hard seltzer
I woke up feeling weird today, idk how to really explain it. I just didn't really feel real, like I was merely observing everything going on around me through a haze. Idk, but I just didn't feel like eating, I didn't feel like doing anything but sleeping for a week straight (or forever). I've had a few good mental health days recently, I should have known it wouldn't last. It never does
The flatbread thingy was pretty undercooked though, it was in the oven for 20 minutes and I just couldn't wait any longer lol. Still tasted good lol
I also don't have any sauces, hence why I used tomato puree instead of ketchup or anything
Snack: barebells caramel cashew protein bar, mixed nuts and creme egg twisted
Dinner: vegetarian pasta bolognese
Dessert: tiramisu and dark chocolate tea cake
Drink: latte
tw: talks of weight
Apparently I've lost weight over the last week despite eating more. Only a little, but still. Maybe I should listen to the specialist and increase my intake next week by 200 instead of 100
I freaked out a bit after eating the protein bar as I didn't realise it wasn't vegetarian until after 😭😭 i feel so bad and guilty about that, and its even worse because I actually liked it and would have it again if it was vegetarian
I also kinda hate volume eating. I feel like i ate so much for dinner as I used a bunch of low cal veg, and I feel so full and fat and gross and bloated. I made the mistake of looking in the mirror after I ate, which made me feel like shit and want to restrict again. And I mean, is there even a point in trying to recover when I'll most likely end up right back where I stated? Idk, I'm just getting pretty tired of this tbh
Snack: sour cream and onion rice crackers, peanuts, cheese stick and an apple
Dinner: plant-based cordon bleu, chips, carrots and coleslaw
Dessert: chocolate hazelnut doughnut
I had breakfast!!!!! Well, it was more of a morning snack idk, but still!!!! I kinda burnt it a bit, but, in my defence, it was my first time cooking bread that way lol
I felt really guilty after lunch though for eating that much before 1 pm. I wanted to purge, but I had to go to uni, so I couldn't. I wanted to both st@rve and binge and cut and die and I just felt like I needed a long, warm hug from my nan (the summer holidays are in a few weeks, so I'll just have to wait until then).
Breakfast: porridge made with chocolate fortisip and chopped peanuts and almonds
Lunch: teriyaki egg noodles
Snack #1: snack a jacks, malteser mini bunny and a peach
Snack #2: dubai chocolate bar
Dinner: quorn mozzarella & pesto escalope, potatoes and baked beans
Dessert: cookie dough ice cream
Snack #3: cadbury caramel bar, wispa, creme egg and caramel egg
Drinks: energy drink, wkd blue
I wasn't feeling very great when I woke up, I was feeling pretty depressed and didn't have much of an appetite, but I managed to eat something anyways
I had yet another appointment with the mental health doctor, and she called my mum. Then she told her that she doesn't believe me when I say that I've been eating 3 meals a day because I've hardly gained any weight. Like I'm not fucking lying!!! Why doesn't she or my mum believe me? I mean, I do get why, I have lied about that before, so I suppose it kinda is my fault they don't trust me. But it really, really sucks they don't believe me. Please believe me. I'm trying. I know I still have a long way to go, but I just want them to recognise all the effort and progress I've made, even if it's small and slow progress. She also said that she or the eating specialist team don't think I have ana, but that my eating issues are because of autism (which I am being referred for an assessment for). I really don't think that's the case, and I honestly have no idea where they even got that idea from. Oh, and she also told my mum how much I weigh, which I purposely didn't do, I didn't want her to worry even more than she already is. That was truly a horrible 30 minutes
This makes me wonder if there's any point in eating if they don't believe me. It's not like they'd know anyways. I'm going back home on Sunday, so a few days of restriction wouldn't be that bad, right? I know that's wrong and illogical thinking, and I'm gonna try to eat the next few days despite feeling like this is all pointless. I'm still gonna try and give them the finger for not trusting me
On the plus side, I'm being referred to a trans clinic or whatever it is to hopefully get put on the waiting list for hrt!!!!!!!! I mean, it could still be years until I actually get t, but its a start!!! I'm so excited about that!!!!
I finished the tub of ice cream cos I thought why should I stop if I didn't want to? Why am I holding myself back from truly recovering? Then I fancied some chocolate, and I definitely ended up going overboard and having a slight stomach ache after, but I also don't necessarily regret it despite how many cals I've had today
Lunch: vegetarian sausage roll and minestrone soup with croutons
Snack: cheese stick, mini cucumbers and cashew butter
Dinner: cheese & onion quiche, carrots and ketchup
Dessert: ice cream, a dairy milk and biscoff chocolate
Drinks: iced latte, Jack daniels tennessee apple
I got really upset cos I decided to look at photos of me at my lw for some reason and I was so fucking sick omfg. I don't want to look like that. I don't want to be this way. I don't want this disorder to kill me. Recovery will be hard, there's no way around that, but fuck me if I want to go back to that. No, I think I want to actually put in the work to recover now instead of doing the bare minimum to please my family. I think I genuinely want to recover
So, does anyone have any advice on how to eat more? Though I'm eating more than I was before, I'm still undereating and I kinda wanna change that. Gradually though ofc
