Ari AU - Part Eight
Another step in the absolute trainwreck that is this au! Hope you enjoy today's installment because it is evil.
This is part eight of my Popstar Grian AU I share with the wonderful @angeart . Please read the other parts and the all-important content warnings before coming to this part!
Send me asks if you want :J
Part One ; Part Two ; Part Three ; Part Four ; Part Five ; Part Six ; Part Seven ; Part Nine ; Part Ten
CONTENT WARNINGS: suicidal ideation, manic depression, body image issues, weight issues, unspecified eating disorder, planning for suicide, mental health issues, physical violence, stalking, threats
'And Everything's Cool As Long As I'm Getting Thinner'
It's a few weeks since Grian was allowed to return home with Scar. Her hair had started growing back, but she decides to cut the rest short to match the shaved, patchy surgery site. The world, for once, is quiet.
They're lying on the sofa together, cuddling while some mindless film plays on the television. Grian isn't really paying attention.
"Do you still think I'm pretty?" She asks, out of nowhere. Of course, Scar immediately assures him that yes, he does, who told him he wasn't? And Grian wants to say- well, everyone, really. The press, the internet, the fans. But honestly, this time, it was an original thought.
He says as much. Scar shakes his head. "Grian, Grian. You'll always be perfect, to me. Don't be silly."
"But am I still pretty?" The question persists. It digs deep into the soft tissue of Grian's mind. Constantly pushing at her thoughts, always present, always simmering. It's not about whether Scar thinks she's perfect or not, it's about reality.
Scar pushes. He doesn't, often. Usually he'll let Grian weep out his emotions and gently suggest they talk about it, but relent when Grian says no. Too soft on her, maybe, but when every conversation inevitably leads to spiralling breakdowns, he isn't sure what else to try. But this time, he asks, "woah, woah there, mister. Where's this coming from?"
For a moment, Grian is quiet again. Then he mumbles that it's stupid. Compared to everything they've been through, it is.
More pushing from Scar gets a real answer.
"I feel... ugly. Like, I used to be so... you remember. You remember, right? I was so pretty before." Ashamed, Grian hides her face against Scar's shoulder. Everything's ruined, and it's all her fault. She's destroyed her body and her voice and her mind.
This time, Scar doesn't fight Grian on semantics. Instead, he asks if Grian can say more. Explain himself, even if it feels stupid or vapid. Because whatever Grian is dealing with, Scar wants to be there to help, and he can't help if he doesn't know.
So, reluctant and exhausted, Grian elaborates. It'd be fine if it was just the surgery scars, or the bruising, or the aging, or the hair loss, or the weight gain, or the eye bags, or the acne. But when it's everything... it's so much.
Honestly, Scar hadn't noticed some of those things. Did Grian cut her hair because it's falling out? When did he gain weight, and why would that be a bad thing?
No, it doesn't matter if Scar disagrees. He wants to make it better. Grian's body works too hard for her to hate it.
When he tells her this, she just sighs, and nods, and says it just feels so bad, all the time. Despite trying to tell himself that it's okay, his body is only trying to keep him alive, there's still a big part of him that can't stand how it looks.
So, Scar says they can work on it. That'll be their little project. For now, he'd very much like to kiss it better. Everything Grian doesn't like, Scar will give a kiss.
"We'll be here forever," she complains, though a light flush and almost-smile cross her face.
Scar gives a lopsided smirk. "Well, I'm not complaining."
~~~
Things don't exactly get better. Or, things are moving so slowly it doesn't feel like getting better. Grian refuses to completely give up on herself, like before, but that doesn't mean life is easy.
Healing is not easy. And things kind of feel worse sometimes. Maybe he shouldn't have looked at the internet again.
Food is difficult. Scar makes such lovely meals, full of so much thought and passion and heart, but more often these days she seems to only manage a few bites. Which is bad. He knows it's bad. He is trying his best.
Nausea is a bad sign. When he throws up for the first time, Scar rushes him to the hospital. It could be a problem with the brain implant, you see, especially since she's so weak.
But the doctors find nothing wrong, and write it off as a stomach bug. Grian knows, then, that he needs to keep this in check. Needs to eat.
It is weird, falling head-first into an eating disorder, knowing what it is and how bad it can get, yet not knowing how to stop it. He doesn't even really want to be thinner! It's just-
Thinking about what the tabloids will say, what the internet will say, what everyone will say, if he is bigger. He's seen it all before. Seen it happen to other celebrities. All those horrible things said about them by so many people, like their body shape determines how important they are.
Grian tries, at least, to eat sixty percent of every meal Scar makes. This seems to make Scar happy, and it makes Grian not sick, so it's a win-win. For some reason, finishing the portions just makes everything come crashing in- like somehow some ever-watching presence will see it and call her a pig.
It is kind of amusing, then, that Scar cottons on, and starts making the meals bigger, so Grian ends up eating more. Whatever works.
Sometimes, she looks in the mirror and just can't see herself anymore. He knows he'll have to learn that change is natural and inevitable, but it's still disconcerting. Strange.
Acne and hair loss and the big nasty scar at the back of her scalp leading down her neck. And weight fluctuations and ever present eye bags and too tired to wear makeup and and and... Scar doesn't leave him and Grian can't reason why.
She's not pretty anymore. No one should want him anymore. (A horrible thought comes, then, that he'd be happy to have the kind of attention he had before... if you have stalkers at least you know you're pretty).
Bad thought. No.
He doesn't blame the papers for theorising that there's drugs, or abuse, or some terminal thing. She looks like hell, and feels like it too. Yet Scar still pretends that she's so beautiful. Grian can't handle that kind of a lie. That kind of hope.
Maybe, really, she wants to be Ari again. To be a star, to be loved, to be beautiful. But getting back to that place seems impossible.
Spirals
There is a type of selective memory here. Grian forgets how scary life was back then, so deep in the mess of now that then seems like a perfect, nostalgic moment in time.
But when did it get so bad? Grian digs and digs for a past he remembers, a past where things were good, but cannot pinpoint it. All he finds are more examples of horrible things that make his mind swirl and spiral and crack.
So much pressure, when she was Ari. Well, technically, she still is, but it's just a persona she hasn't worn in ages. He hid so much of herself even then, though. Even before Scar.
It blurs in his head. Feels like such a bright, colourful time, just as the tabloids say. The photos of her smiling widely, dress sparkling in stage lights. Songs creeping up the charts as more and more gigs sell out. Those days seemed so perfectly unbreakable.
But that's not reality, is it? He asks himself when he was last truly happy, and breaks down in tears, unable to give himself an answer.
Though, truly, there have been many little happy moments, especially with Scar but even before then too. Grian's brain is just not fair to her. And so the depressive spiral starts again.
Breakdowns are common. Scar will find her crying in bed, whispering that she wants to die, that the world would be better if she was dead, that she doesn't know how to be happy... and he comforts her. Tells her it's okay, they'll get through this, please don't say those things.
It takes more of a toll on him than he lets on. Trying to hold it together for Grian, Scar knows he can't keep ignoring himself forever.
But he can pretend.
Grian can tell something's not right. He sees through the cracks in Scar's facade but Scar won't let him in. Saying, "you have enough to worry about" and smiling and assuring that nothing is wrong.
That makes grian feel so distant, like she's unable to give anything back to her partner. Unable to help him in any way. Making her feel like a burden. A monster. A horrible person.
Yet still Scar insists that he is fine. Nothing's wrong. It's really sweet that Grian wants to make sure he's okay, but he is, he promises!
Scar sometimes takes too long showers. It makes him anxious because he shouldn't. He needs to get back to Grian, because he can't give Grian opportunities to do something silly, because he worries what might happen in his absence. But also he just... he needs a moment. He needs a moment to breathe a little too fast. A moment to cry. A moment without his emotions falling on Grian, who's already hurt enough.
Perceptive and empathetic, Grian knows and hates it. He wants to be there for Scar too. He wants to have some worth in this relationship. He wants them to be partners. Doesn't want this imbalance.
So Grian doesn't promise anything- doesn't say things will get better, because she's still suicidally depressed. But she tells Scar that she's here, now, and anything he needs, she'll try, for him, to do it
Album Three: 'Love Bomb!'
She knows she can't get away with killing herself, especially without hurting Scar, who is so anxious all the time now. So, eventually she throws herself back into her work.
Ari is back. Back in the damn studio. Back from hiatus. Tell the world, he's got an album on the way. Better be prepared for it!
Hair and makeup return to her routine, preparing for the inevitable return of cameras and gossip. It's all far too fake, trying desperately to find and be the person she used to be.
The new album is generally regarded as... a flop. It's not terrible, but that's all that can be said. The production is fine, the vocals are fine, the lyrics are fine. It's... fine. Mid.
Not raw and real, no glimpses of Ari's last album at all, just bland pop rubbish without the charm and heart of her first album. Trying to be Ari before the pain. Trying to be something she's not. Aiming to please everyone and ending up with, basically, generic crap.
NME calls it "coworker music" and "a disappointing comeback". One of the better songs charts in the top ten, but quickly disappears. All hope of a proper tour are scrapped by his management team pretty much immediately.
They do get to do a few press interviews, though. Which means going outside. Which means crowds. Which means paparazzi. Which means scrutiny. Which means...
The press conference goes fine. No hard questions asked. All the interviewers are picked out beforehand by management to ensure nothing difficult happens. It makes Grian feel like a total sellout loser, but they get their story ("I just wanted to return to my roots with this album... really rediscover what I love about pop,") and get out.
They're walking out of the conference building to get back to Scar's care when it happens.
The rest of the crew (it's nice to see them again) take a different exit to avoid the crowds, but Grian assures his team that he can handle a few cameras and reporters shouting in his face. It's nothing she hasn't handled before.
Scar is with her of course, still acting as security despite not actually working for her anymore. He shields her face, keeps her moving through the desperate crowd, acts as the anchor she needs.
There's so many people. Voices, microphones, cameras. More than expected. All asking where Grian has been. What was her hospital trip about? Why did Scar break down in the hospital? Are they officially together or broken up or married? Is she addicted to any substances? Is he planning on losing weight?
It's kind of stupid. They were told not to use flash cameras. Specifically in the announcement of the conference, they were told not to use flash cameras.
Many clearly decided they didn't care.
A few wouldn't have been a problem, with Grian's new brain implant helping manage the epilepsy symptoms. But so many, so often-
Scar sees the flashing lights and gets angry. He explicitly said Grian couldn't handle that kind of thing. And the reporters are swarming them.
One gets right up in Grian's face while she's obviously dazed, and lets a camera flash go off right there in her eyes and--
And Scar punches them. Someone screams. The reporters back away. Grian is frozen up, his body on the verge of betraying him. The reporter is on the ground, bleeding.
Scar's knuckles hurt.
Scar Goes To Court For Punching Someone In The Face
Of all the things that had to happen. Grian curses to herself as she waits her turn to speak on the witness stand. Scar at least has the awareness to look particularly ashamed of himself, despite the fact that she knows he is not.
It's a celebrity trial, so she knows this is ending up online somewhere. The whole thing is being filmed, anyway.
The lawyers arguing against Scar are trying to spin a narrative. A violent, abusive man, taking advantage of a mentally unstable addict celebrity, probably using her for her money, and she's defending him because she doesn't want to seem weak. And though it isn't true, it makes a damn good story.
When Grian is on the stand, she has to explain her medical history. Explain why she looks... different. That this is the reason they are both so jumpy, especially when flashing lights could really hurt her.
This isn't enough for the prosecutor. The lawyers come armed with over a year's worth of photographs, rumours, hospital visits and odd behaviours. All unexplained.
And, of course, they claim Scar has a "history of violence and reckless behaviour", noting the times he's defended Grian as her security guard (much to Scar's annoyance- he was doing his job!).
Grian realises, on the stand, that they aren't getting out of this with a clean record. Not unless she tells the truth.
She has to tell the truth. For Scar. She needs to do this for him, after everything he's done for her.
And it's so difficult. Impossibly terrifying. Grian knows every single word she says will be put under a microscope, spun into a new story, and devoured by a hungry audience. This will permanently alter her image, impact her art, and change how the world reacts to her.
His voice trembles. His hands shake. He can barely speak about this to Scar, and it had been so hard to bring up in therapy.
But it's worth it. To save Scar's reputation. Not only to lessen or dissolve the assault charge, but to stop this narrative of Scar as an abuser or violent person. Even if he's never charged for it, the world will know and judge. And Grian can't let Scar be judged like that.
So he spills everything. Everything. Why Scar was hired in the first place, the drugging and attempted kidnapping, the people who attacked Scar, Grian's first experiences with depression, with suicidal ideation, with subsequent therapy. Her struggles with antidepressants, leading to her first suicide attempt.
It takes days to get through it all. To let the jury talk, let the lawyers question and cross-reference. But online all anyone is talking about is Grian.
She elects to ignore all the buzz until after this is over. Instead of dwelling on it, she continues. How the overdose led to brain damage which led to the epileptic seizure disorder. The second, less thought-out suicide attempt in the hospital bathroom. The third at the lake and the resulting seizure.
Then the next seizure, the hospital visit, the way her agency was taken from her, the brain surgery. And how, through it all, Scar has been nothing but supportive, a rock she can lean on.
This was all going to break, eventually, he tells himself. It was going to come out and at least here he has some control over how the story is told. He was never going to go into too much detail, never going to share so much private information, but those lawyers kept finding evidence that didn't line up and so...
She details how loving and sweet Scar's been, reassuring her about her body and appearance. How Grian knew Scar was suffering too, but didn't know how to help. Perhaps that's why they were both so quick to panic and lashing out. They are sorry, but under the circumstances, can they be blamed?
It's a clever little thing he does, conflating Scar's actions with his own. Always saying 'we' when referring to the incident. Making sure everyone who judges them- both legally and socially- judges them as a unit. Together. Partnered.
Scar looks worried. More than worried. So scared for her, but at the same time, somewhat proud. Like he's been waiting for her to really delve into this mess and spell it out.
In the end, the charges are dropped. Scar's let off with a warning.
The aftermath, predictably, is horrible. Grian is absolutely hounded by reporters. They want more information. It's such a juicy story. They want Grian to talk and talk about wanting to kill herself. They want more and more of those headline-defining moments.
All Grian hears is 'you want to die', over and over and over. For weeks after the case is dropped.
He wishes the bathroom had a lock. Wishes he could curl into somewhere unreachable. Wishes social media didn't exist.
The photographs taken at the lake are circulated again with a new narrative. People make timelines of her 'downfall'. Everyone's eager to see him shatter. Everyone's waiting for him to break. To die.
Grian throws his phone so hard across the kitchen it smashes. All he can think is good riddance.
Letters
The first anonymous parcel appears one month after the court case was dropped. It's not uncommon to get fan mail, but Grian has a PO box and doesn't really appreciate mystery parcels through the door. They could be anthrax spores or something.
This doesn't stop her from opening it.
Inside is a simple chef's knife and a note reading "do it". No room for misinterpretation there, she supposes. Kind of crude, actually.
Thankfully he is not in a horrible mood when he opens the parcel. He gives the knife to Scar and tells him to make sure he locks all social media sites on their computer, so she can't go digging for more suicide baiting later.
Scar is horrified. Grian feels surprisingly numb about it. Seeing his reaction makes Grian uneasy about the idea of showing him if the same thing happens again. She doesn't want to upset him.
It does, in fact, happen again. The very next week. This time, it's a pack of five brand new razor blades. Same message written inside.
Grian almost wishes it was anthrax. At least that would be another drama to get through instead of sitting at home doing nothing all day. At least it would distract her from her thoughts.
This time, he doesn't tell Scar about the parcel. He hasn't been allowed to hold something so sharp in such a long time. And everyone's always talking about Grian killing himself, it's all he can think about, just an endless chorus in his mind.
With shaking fingers, she traces the edges of one of the blades. Her ears are ringing. Scar is somewhere else in the house, completely unaware. She could- right now-
She doesn't want to do it. No, no, don't. Bad thought. Bad thought. Get out of her head.
But he might want to do it later.
When everything's dark and bleak and desperate.
So what if he tucks the blades away? Just in case? What if he decides he needs them? On a whim? Hidden around the house in random places, just as a little... reassurance.
It's like a burning hole in her mind. She can't stop thinking about it. People call her attention-seeking. Saying she said all those things because her music flopped. If she's so suicidal why doesn't she just prove it?
It becomes a sort of thrill. She lets Scar take all further parcels that show up, happy to let him sort out those blades. She knows where her special ones are. Who cares?
Part of Grian just wants to prove everyone wrong for saying that he's lying and making things up. Prove it by doing what they all want her to do.
Scar finds one of the blades. Gives her a proper talking to. But she doesn't care. He only finds one and she tells him- promises- it's the only one. The lie makes her giddy and nauseous at the same time. It's amazing.
Then time is ticking. Soon Scar will find more, and know she lied. Then everything will be over and ruined.
Grian does not want to lose those blades. Doesn't want the world to think he's lying. Doesn't want to live. What a good time to have a nice, proper depressive spiral.
The thought of the blades makes him dizzy with anticipation. He should use them while he still can, right?
Next Part...
