A letter/complaint of an elder sibling to a younger one…
Hi.
It’s sad that I can’t tell this to you in person, to your face because first, I wouldn’t even know how to say this without hurting you and second, because you wouldn’t let me. No matter how many times I practice and rehearse in my head, arranging words in a manner to make it sound polite and tune down the criticism bit, even if I speak calmly to you about it, you would be enraged even before I would have completed two sentences. Well, that’s natural for someone who doesn’t want to be criticized or be told how their actions and behavior are affecting others adversely. They don’t see anything wrong in them and don’t want to take any responsibility of the difficulty their behavior causes others because that would mean they will have to ‘change’ themselves, which is something they don’t want to do. They don’t wish to change themselves for anyone, it’s like ‘losing’, in their view and, not an act of adjusting.
Well anyway, I will write it down and never give it to you… because you won’t read after first two sentences, I am sure. But I will write for myself, to unload.
When we were kids, I being an elder one (even though it was hardly 1 and half year difference between two of us) I was supposed to look after you, give up toys for you to play (and eventually often break) which, I would have liked to play for myself, give away my sweets and maggi to you because you would finish yours fast and ask for mine too, give up lap of mom because you were younger, help you set up your bag according to timetable after I was done with mine… among lots other small but significant (to a child) sacrifices and adjustments, I was also supposed to be your role model, good example for you to follow… never allowed to make a mistake or else, be scolded ‘this is what he will learn/ you are teaching him wrong things/ be careful he will do the same/ you are elder you should have known…’ etc. These may seem harmless sentences today, after we are grown up, but to a child it restricted its growth, to be put simply.
What you wouldn’t ever know HOW restricting it was to be always responsible for YOUR actions… If I reached home after school or after playing in the park, mother’s question would always be ‘Where is the little one?’, you know sometimes you would also be like to be told by mom ‘Beta, you came back on time today that is good.....’ instead of ‘You are here…but where did you leave the little one…’ right? Well, now it doesn’t matter of course, and it might seem I am complaining too much without any fault of your own…true it’s just how we were raised. I agree. However, as time passed by, and we grew up a bit at around the age of 7-10, somehow, adjectives people used to define you with were ‘naughty’ ‘playful’ ‘energetic’ etc. and terms for me were ‘reserved’ ‘responsible’ once I was told ‘sharp’ rest anything else I don’t think ever was said about me, at least in my presence. If people came to our house or we went to someone’s place you were the center of attention. All talks, when it came to ‘kids’, were somehow always centered around you, even if they were for all the wrong reasons or let’s say about your hilarious ‘mischiefs’. I used to listen people talk and laugh on it and notice mom getting really uncomfortable with this and worried about you, fearing you would always be naughty. All her tensions were for your proper development and, I was the one supposed to lead you.
Among the spats that I took up with bullies for you, books that I covered for you at the beginning of every new session, charts and project that I helped you with, complaints from your teachers that were communicated to parents via. me, taking all the ‘choke slams’, being punished by mom for something done by you…there were small such numerous occasions which made up our childhood memories, wherein all that I felt was like a bystander, as my childhood passed me by.
Things would have been okay, if you would have acknowledged this or would have just been simply polite to me. But nothing of this sort ever happened on the contrary; you felt some kind of entitlement to something from me. It was very unfair on your part.
What I am going to write next, would probably be very harsh but not more than what you had unknowingly put me through…
When we entered our teenage age our personalities took shape somewhat during that time. You developed into an extrovert and I sort have had a introvert traits, but I wasn’t entirely an introvert, was rather pushed into being one.
All those who are introvert by nature would know how painful it is in the times like today, where each and everything is about making your presence feel, taking the stage, going out and being a part of the ‘happening’… It’s very easy for those who are out-going by nature and might not have to think twice about it, but for an introvert it’s a challenge and to a teenage-introvert.. well, you and I can’t possibly imagine, how sad this challenge can get. The awkwardness of teenage mixed with senseless noise of people around along with peer pressure of coming out to try ‘cool’ stuff.
Well, moving on… As you started going out and enjoying your life, your teenage-hood, getting experiences which made you understand about the working of the world much sooner and better than me for, I chose to stay home (well, you may say FORCED to stay, but let’s just assume, for the sake of simplicity of the topic at hand, that I chose it…). Over time, you started feeling that you know more than me, about various stuff and, slowly you started treating me as if I was beneath you. I don’t know where you learned that trait from. You developed the attitude ‘I know more and better than you’ accompanied by ‘I won’t teach you, you are elder to me you should’ve known on your own’. Well, that was it. Your repeated remarks on these lines just broke me. To you I was someone who knew nothing and someone to whom you were comparatively ‘doing better’. Somewhere in all the sharing and growing, I had become your ‘competition’ without even realizing so. But when I did realize, you wouldn’t want to know how much hurtful that feeling was, to be seen as a rival instead of a guide or a friend by someone you took so much care of, took so many precautions to protect them, found the best to teach them the right and the best of the things, sharing with them the hard learned experiences so that they don’t have to go through it…
I remember, pleading with mom and dad to purchase you expensive stuff that you wanted. I recall, getting you an expensive bike amongst those too. While, I myself never owned one I asked them to get one for you. But sadly, what I don’t recall is… you ever asking me to come for a ride with you. Never.
To state it very straightforwardly, you grew up to be a very arrogant and angry person. You wanted what you wanted. You were cranky and loud. As much as I tried to make an effort to understand you, you had even more demands and complaints pouring in for the rest of the people in family. You never were satisfied and almost each time anyone wanted to speak to you, you would lash out at them, breaking stuff or hitting others or yourself. Your personal frustration of some sort, which wasn’t channelized properly, was inflicted on other people and disturbed the peace of the house and affected my growth and personal development. Everything was about you and soon, according to you.
You became, sorry to hurt you by saying this, parasitic. Yes, you became someone who took energy from others to hold up themselves, while inflicting pain on those very people. Too much love, I believe spoiled you. But it’s strange that you complain that you never ‘felt’ any love. Well, there must be some truth to it, but that is no reason to make life miserable for others. Everything can be talked and settled. But, you chose violence and terror as your weapon.
There are 100000000 things that I want to state but I don’t think I can. It’s not possible and not worth it. If you will want to see what I am trying to tell you, then this much is enough.
These days I have begun to fear you. Hate you. For turning yourself into someone like this.
I know this is of no importance to you. To you it’s just complaints and you have your own side of story which must be equally painful but for once, for once, just pay attention to others side of story too.
Elder sibling
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