The Art of Losing Myself
"Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it." -Luke 17:33
What does it mean to lose yourself like the Bible says?
In Luke 17:33, "losing yourself" isn't about losing your identity or experiencing a crisis, but is rather a spiritual paradox about surrendering self-centered control to find true life. To "preserve" your life means living with a tight grip, focusing entirely on comfort, ego, fear, and personal ambition which ironically causes you to miss out on a meaningful existence with God. On the other hand, to "lose" your life means willingly dethroning your ego, letting go of the need to control your own destiny, and choosing instead to center your life on God and the service of others. Ultimately, by giving up a small, self-absorbed version of who you are, you stop letting fear run your life and open yourself up to a far richer, deeper, and truer version of who you were genuinely created to be.
Last week taught me a lot about what it actually looks like to lose myself in this way. I am usually a very confident person when it comes to my work; I love what I do, and I know I am good at it. However, I recently received some negative feedback that didn't sit well with me. While some of it wasn't true, some of it genuinely pointed to areas where I needed to grow. Even so, it discouraged me deeply. For days, I caught my mind constantly trying to justify myself, until I suddenly stopped and realized: Oops, I am actually trying to preserve my life right now. I had been desperately trying to prove my competence and protect my reputation. In that moment, I was reminded that a single piece of feedback cannot destroy everything I have worked for, and more importantly, my worth isn't anchored in my performance or in people's opinions. God was gently breaking down the pride I had built up for myself, reintroducing me to the art of losing myself.
That lesson in humility quickly followed me outside of my professional life and into a very vulnerable personal moment. I ran into someone I deeply look up to as a leader, and I was completely without makeup. I had only slept for two hours, I was exhausted, and I was dressed strictly for comfort. Like anyone else, I wanted to make a great, polished impression on this person, so being caught completely off-guard felt uncomfortable. Yet, as the initial embarrassment faded, it reminded me that letting the curated mask drop and allowing the world to see my raw humanity is perfectly okay. After all, I am not someone who wears makeup all the time anyway. I realized I needed to lose the constant urge to manage my image and refuse to remain a prisoner of external validation.
As if those two instances weren't enough, God gave me one more opportunity to let go of my ego in a classroom setting. I had recently taken the initiative to retake a class, wanting to review and ensure I had a rock-solid foundation I needed. However, because I was in that space, people began looking at me as if I were entirely new and inexperienced. My immediate instinct was a weird defensiveness; I felt like I had every right to correct them, flash my credentials, and explain how long I had actually been doing this. But God quietly reminded me that I could just let it go. He sees my history and my walk, and that is more than enough. I didn't need to defend my status, and besides, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being new.
Looking back at all of these moments, it is clear that I have been walking through a profound season of humility before the Lord. I am learning that I don't always need to explain myself, defend my reputation, or manage how others perceive me. I can just let the ego go, step back, and trust Him.