It took a few bold flirty remarks and innuendoes left unnoticed for Nino to came to a sudden realization that she had been in fact trying to get together with a barely-adult human. Teenager. Almost. That had to be the reason for his reluctance. The idea came so sudden and mildly sickening she found herself sitting up on her bed, in the dead of the night, hands raking through her hair standing up on all ends. Especially picturing all his reactions, comebacks - Way to go, Nino. You old pervert.
Then again..If she had been right about her assumptions that'd make them the same age - biologically at east. On the other hand, she remembered how long it took for aliens come to a maturation. An eighteen-year-old chiss meant the chiss had been an adult - given adult responsibilities for half a decade. Loved, probably, had children, fought, got married. An eighteen-year-old human meant a...well a stumbling human kid. Barely understanding life if any at all.
Torian did not look like a gangly teenager but that hardly meant he wasn’t one and the thought was so disturbing she couldn't go back to sleep, she rolled out of the bed all the while cursing her lack of a knowledge about alien biology. If he was a chiss she had been dealing with. All would have been easy.
But then, he wouldn't be Torian...
She didn’t even bother taming down her hair or changing, springing up on stairs quickly on bare heels before she could change her mind; to the cockpit where the young man - person...- Mandalorian had been on watch for the night. He turned around just as she stepped into the small room and Nino stopped at her tracks least before she tripped and fell onto his lap. It would definitely make the coming conversation much more awkward.
At first, he didn't look surprised - he didn’t look anything but mildly tired, subtly taking in her dishevelled appearance; amusingly trying not to look anywhere below her shoulders, though that hardly stopped his face from getting pinker. Perhaps to any human he looked perpetually stoic but to Nino who grew up in strict confirming of the Chiss Ascendancy where every small mimic had a tonne of meaning it was more than easy to read him, appreciation....confusion...nervous, nervous, nervous...
‘Problems?’ he asked, his voice not betraying anything passing his face, the only sound in the room and suddenly Nino couldn't know what to say. Everything in her head sounded - which had been about to give her a panic attack fifteen minutes ago - drastically foolish...but she was not creative enough to come up with another reason so as it was her way everything she chose to be direct;
‘Are you really eighteen years old?’
Okay...that’s weird. Really weird. ‘I’m sorry I just...I have to ask this. Was I right? You’re eighteen years old right now?’
He seemed to be considering his words carefully, stopping for a moment and clasping his hands in his lap, ‘Hardly matters, I did this since I was six, I know ho..-’
‘Oh no. Torian, I don’t mean the watch duty...I just..had to ask. Really... Just tell me.’
He sighed audibly and nodded, somehow looking more tired than he had been a minute ago, ‘Yes. I’ve lived eighteen years.’ then he raised a pale brow as if he realized something,
‘You woke up to ask this? - Why?’
‘I...You know what..I’ll be honest with you. You’re way too young. - and before you stop me...I mean..I...- Stars..this is hard. Fine. The honest explanation you want? The honest explanation you’ll get. I’m way too old for you. Don’t give me that look, you know what I’m talking about. And...Well..that’s it. That’s the reason. I just feel...I’m..taking...oh man saying this is even worse. Okay. I just suddenly felt like..ah.....takingadvantageofyou’
To her awkward response, oddly enough he just looked angry - momentarily and nothing obvious but there...a tightening of lips, clenching of jaw then back to his calm facade - as far as he knew of course,
‘I told you before.’ he said in a voice parent used when they tried saying something to their children for the hundredth time. ‘I’m not a kid. Haven't been a kid a long time now.’
‘Long enough.’ he said curtly, fidgeting in his seat before suddenly standing up and going near her, near enough that their noses brushed and Nino felt the warmth through her thin nightdress even though they weren’t touching - not really, not until he leaned down and suddenly grasped around her thighs carefully above the soft fabric - almost scandalously considering his earlier responses to her flirting, unsure and timid.
With her feet lifted from the ground, Nino; too shocked to protest, instinctively put her hands on his still armoured shoulders not to fall and felt her jaw slacken, at a lose of thoughts and words, mouth agape like a fish, even he, himself looked confused as to what he was doing and then seconds passed before Nino could understand what he was trying to say,
‘I see your point.’ she managed to mumble, still above the ground and sounding embarrassingly squeaky, violently resisting an impulse to rake her fingers through his hair or pretending not to notice his warm breath puffing against her stomach. She took a deep breath herself nonetheless, memorizing the glimpse of a small, shy smile on his lips because it was bound to disappear after she spilt what was on her head thoroughly,
‘The fact you’re physically strong hardly proves your emotional maturity not to mention after something as traumatizing as what we... - you went through on Taris. Yes. Traumatizing. That’s what I said. I..- You’re not..You can’t be ready. You can’t know. You’re too vulnerable.’ There I said it. Oh, he will hate me forever.
He did, in fact, seemed like he hated her, at least that moment he dropped her unceremoniously, Nino couldn't help feeling offended, hurt - an unpleasant feeling right in her stomach as she could barely find her balance and Torian stepped back - a step but it might have been a hundred steps. Distance appeared more than what could their environment provide. Disappointed...cresfallen..- angry. Regret. Nino had a sudden urge to reach out and embrace him, though it seemed hardly appropriate and if he pushed her away she thought she couldn't take it and start sobbing like a little child. He seemed to have that unlikely effect on her, making her spill anything inside and everything she felt until there was nothing left bared.
It took moments until Torian opened his mouth,
‘Stop.’ he shook his head. ‘Made your point, didn’t you. My turn.’
He looked calmer then, at least calmer than how Nino felt. Her inside all knotted with selfish wishes of affirmation. That he was alright, that was alright with this all - even though she had been trying to convince him to the opposite just a moment ago. An undeniable part of her wanted to throw her arms around him to hell with everything...and after a moment she couldn’t contain herself at all, reaching out and tightly grasping his hand...one hand, at least and to her surprise he didn’t draw it back but held it, lightly in his gloved palms, she was even more surprised to see the light trembling on his fingers,
As she gazed at their linked hands, he breathed out, ‘Thank you.’
‘I mean...’ he continued, ‘I appreciate it. Don’t agree with it, or like it - I hate it actually. Every word, wrong. But...I..- Thank you. For this. Thinking for me. People don’t really do it. Never.’ he shook his head, using his other hand to gently lift her chin, ‘Look at me? Okay. I’m not so good at this. But I’ll try. For you. Only. Because. I l..like you. I do. A lot. Think I’m old enough to know this?’
Nino smiled a little at that, averting his eyes again and shrugged, ‘I don’t mean to be condescending Torian. I reall...-’ she stopped with the touch of a finger against her lips, gentle,
‘Been hunting for years...More than I can remember. Killed...- Fought. Been a heartbeat away from death. A couple of times.‘ he shrugged as it meant nothing, ‘Could’ve been married. With child. I am not. You know why. You were there. ‘ he looked at her pointedly, ‘What happened... it..It...I will not let it ruin this too.’ he gesture vaguely between them, to Nino and her large eyes, red and unblinking, ‘Not your decision to make. Had enough of people making decisions for me.’
‘I understand that.’ Nino quipped and Torian shook his head again,
‘Don’t think you do. It’s ok. You can. I want that. Really do. I... - I want you. I shouldn't. Have no right. But I do.’ he looked red as a turnip suddenly and Nino held her breath at the brave confession, her eyes watering as if the room’s temperature went up a few degrees, he couldn’t take it back. Could he? He couldn’t. Wouldn’t. She pushed down on the urge to jump up and down with the last of her will, the thought alone embarrassed her, just what am I turning into...
He took another deep breath and let go of her hand, unnoticed by Nino, ‘Doesn’t matter. What I want. Doesn’t....work like that. That’s what I mean, Nino. That you don’t understand. You don’t.’
Just before she could protest he continued, ‘Know where this coming from. Things you said. Flirting. I know. Invited me to your bed. I’m honoured. I wanted to.’ he swallowed audibly in the otherwise quiet room, ‘I did. More than anything. I do. But...No. Nino. No. You don’t want this.’ he gestured to himself, ‘Let me finish - I mean...I have nothing. Nothing to give you.’ he shrugged, looking at somewhere behind her head, ‘And I don’t want a night. Want all nights. Only makes trouble. For both of us.’ he stopped talking then and it suddenly occurred the her..the problem. The hesitant way in which Torian responded to her affections...All of it.
‘Ah..’ she said ‘Mandalore.’
He smiled briefly and nodded as if he had done talking for the night - or week -
Nino too found herself smiling, an unhappy smile, sad beyond reason but also somehow light. Something that never occurred to her perhaps it was in his mind from the moment they came face to face during the grand melee. She truly didn’t understand, anything...As always. Everything was on the line. For Torian. A small cross-species liaison could cost him his life, his honour - latter more important than the other.
‘I’m sorry.’ she said finally into the silence that stretched among them, despite the melancholia the air somehow feeling warmer than before, than all the other times they had been together. Intimate. ‘Didn’t mean to insult you.’
He nodded again, ‘None taken.’ then he leaned in, taking her hand again, both this time holding tightly in his palms,
‘Don’t be sorry.’ he lifted them up and firmly brushed his lips on her knuckles, sounding braver than she felt. Brave, young and foolish. Nino felt sick to the stomach. Never a good combination, in any species.
‘I don’t give up without a fight.’
‘That’s what I was afraid of.’
