#asexual experiences

[kaykayleb]

Had an interesting conversation with my friends who are also ace about our differing experiences yesterday and im kind of stuck on how its like 'yeah we use the same word but any engagement is a unique experience'

Like, i know i am not sex averse, but also im not enthusiastic. I dont have sex for me, or much for the pleasure of it, but i certainly hope i have a partner who is enthusiastic and enjoying themselves to the best of their (and my) ability. I want somebody who is there for the party because its very unlikely im going to get there, but i'll host and clean up and provide snacks and all that, as far as the metaphor will carry me.

But i also have friends who are very sure they'll make it with little trouble, so they dedicate their efforts into making sure their partners have fun. And still more friends who are as much about their pleasure as their partners, and mostly enjoying themselves aspects of kink in their adventures.

The brief but interesting tangent about how having been born with different anatomy or being part of the way through a medical transition can totally change the experiences you have, totally different flavors of punch frankly.

I wasnt super going anywhere with this, but like... just the uniqueness of human experiences striking me as profound or something.

[sex-pos-asexual-diary]

Right before I met my current partner, I was semi-dating-talking-to someone online who was suuuuuper allosexual and talked about sex and attraction frequently and casually (lets call them L). I remember that was a time when I disavowed even being bi because I didn’t feel attraction the same way as L.

I don’t think L was doing anything wrong: they were just trying to emphasize their feelings to me, and they seemed to like me a lot, which honestly felt good as a 20-something who’d never dated. But also, L made me feel like I should just be trying harder I guess, to be attracted to anything, just through how overtly sexual they acted. I had several previous crushes that I then brushed off because well, they weren’t the sexual feelings L talked about. I identified as demisexual and hoped if I met L irl I would feel whatever it is they talked about.

I never met L irl, and I met my current partner, E, who became a good friend. I felt the same feelings (romantic, I suppose) as I’d felt in previous crushes and E, though not asexual, was never overtly sexual. When we started our relationship E never made me feel like I had to be more sexually active or go quickly, or even feel the same “level” or “type” of attractiveness they feel to me.

I am glad L is a good person, because I feel like there was a real possibility I, having not a great sense of myself at the time, could have really been pushed to ignore my asexuality in favor of being someone who felt more societally appropriate.

[manousyren]

My coworkers will ask me if I like or love someone. As an asexual ???romantic person, I always answered ‘no’. A few days ago, I said yes. Because I love myself. And that’s valid too. 

[manousyren]

You will find your person

Sorry in advance. This is a conversation I had with my foster mom about fancying someone and I needed to share this. 

So tonight I was watching a show with my foster mom, and one of the questions was: “How many percent of teenagers feel uncomfortable with talking with their parents about sex.”

I laughed and pointed out how I never talked about it, because I didn’t care for it, how I wasn’t ever interested in anyone. In my head I was like; “and then I learned asexuality was a thing, and I didn’t feel awkward about sex anymore”

My mom was like “Yeah but it would be pretty sad if you never got someone to love, right?”

Oh. This again.

So I tried to explain to her that love and sexual attraction aren’t the same thing. And she just said; “You will find someone!”

When I pointed out I was 19 and still wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone, she countered that I was ‘too young’ to know that, “You have your whole life before you, surely you will find your person, you can’t say right now that you will never experience that.”

And yeah, I dont know how my life will go. 

“I know that when I... like someone, I just feel like I want to be best friends with them, but with more affection? Something like that.”

“It would be sad if you never got in a relationship.”

“There is nothing wrong with that!” I said, thinking about aromantics. “Anyway, I guess if I ever... got a boyfriend, or girlfriend, but lets say boyfriend... and I really love them and want to please them I guess I could have sex, but just for the pleasure of it. Not because I need to.”

“Just for the pleasure?” 

“....yeah. I guess it must feel... nice.”

“Well, I just can’t imagine never liking someone.”

‘Why are you saying that again?’ 

Anyway. THIS :(   My foster moms aren’t at all against LGBTQ but whenever I try to explain asexuality they act like it is made up. It is pretty frustrating. My biological parents accepted me completely. But I still feel uncomfortable being a proud ace when I am with my foster moms. 

[manousyren]

Yes I am!

I’m never gonna forget that one time my coworker said; “you look really happy today, are you deflowered or something?” and because in Dutch deflowered is unvirgined (if I were to translate roughly) I said “Yes I am!” because I thought he said I was a virgin. 

...

And he meant the opposite...

:(

[asexualspectrumspector]

I'm not sure who all else needs to see the answer, but I know I really do. Is it a common experience for other aces to feel like they need to hide their aceness because whenever they do reveal it people treat them differently? I know my group of friends are very understanding of diverse sexualities and lifestyles, but ever since they found out about mine they act like I make them uncomfortable or like I'm going to fly off the handle if they express their sexual natures at all.

Okay, so this feels like a question for the community, so I’m going to put it out for others to give their feelings as well.  @crowandtalbot if you would prefer I answer you privately, just let me know, and I’ll take it down.  That being said, I’ll give you my own thoughts before turning it out for others.

In my own experience, I have felt the need to hide my aceness in the past.  Most of my close friends know I’m ace, and most have been accepting.  However I have had a very close friend of mine treat me very differently after she found out I was ace.  She was overly cautious about how she spoke to me and what she said and what she asked me to do while hanging out with her.  She treated me like a child at first then later more like a nun.  It wasn’t until I directly confronted her about it and explained how I felt that things went more back to normal.

Now I’m not saying it would be like that for everyone, but that’s just one experience from my own life.  A lot of the time, people treat you differently because of their perception of asexuality.  They don’t understand what it is or know any other people who are ace, so they only have their limited understanding of asexuality to work with.

Which is another reason many people choose not to or avoid coming out as ace... they don’t want to give an hour long seminar on what asexuality is and how it applies to them.  We shouldn’t have to become these representatives for our sexuality, but unfortunately, until it is regularly taught about in schools’ sex education classes, we will have to be.  Education is the key to understanding, and understanding is the key to acceptance and normalization.

[aro-goddess-artemis]

going to an all girls high school as an aroace

considering high school was the time i was questioning and eventually figuring out my sexuality, i think going to an all girls school instead of co-ed played a big part in how came to figure out i was aroace.

where i live, the only option was to go to an all girls high school but after spending intermediate (year/grade 7 and 8) surrounded by the most annoying pre-teen boys, let me tell you i was not in the least bit disappointed that i wouldn’t have to interact with them for the next 5 years of my life. at this point i had come to the conclusion that all boys (at least those my age) were literally the worst thing in the world and i wanted nothing to do with them.

so for the next few years i blissfully ignored the fact that teenage boys existed and found some friends who hardly ever talked about romance or attraction. during this time i had first heard about asexuality as well as demi and grey-ace and had started to consider that i might be one of these as it could explain my disinterest in boys, although i did find some male celebrities and fictional characters pretty (which is what sexual attraction is, right!?). 

so, long story short, i was involved in a theatre production that was combined with the boys high school in year 11, discovered that older teenage boys aren’t all as terrible as i thought, and had an identity crisis. this was the push that really got me thinking critically about my sexuality and over the next two years i was able to work out exactly what i was feeling (aesthetic and sometimes sensual attraction, not romantic or sexual attraction) and why i felt this to certain people and not others (boys that are disconnected from me; celebrities, characters, random pretty boys i have never and will never speak to).

because i went to an all girls high school, it allowed me to ignore my sexuality for a while and probably slowed down the time it would have taken me to figure it out than if i had been forced to deal with boys every day. although an all girls school gave me space to think about these things without so much judgement, if it wasn’t for my involvement with a co-ed event, i honestly don’t know if i would have figured out my whole sexuality, or how long it would have taken.