#ashinsmoke

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Any other empath actively depressed and saddened by mike and el’s ending in stranger things since new years eve or is it just me…

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Living all of my tween and teen years obsessively liking people and getting heart broken over a month’s worth of crushes but never lasting longer than a month in any relationship made me think I’m a weak and stupid attention seeking slut. Turns out I just have ADHD and I hyper focus on people 🫠

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

grief is a strange phenomenon. it multiplies like a fungi on the darkside of a damp log in the woods. it stays in the overlooked part of you that never recieved appropriate sunlight until one day the rain pours endlessly and you realise that the entire log is infected with the fungi...

grief starts due to a singluar trigger and multiples and consumes you as a whole until you grieve every single thing that you have avoided or overlooked for a long time...

grief can alo open your eyes to things you kept buried and forced yourself to forget and move on from...

grief can make you weep and wail for every version of you that lvoed this person, place or thinig... it can also make you wail the person you no longer are since the object of the grief left you grief is the essence of all emotions- all the haoppienss, anger, pain, hurt and bitterness dissovles into one big ball of grief emmanating from our souls- wishing to burst open at once

grief gives you the strength to carry on and spend your days in memory of the object of your grief...

grief lets you coexist with the plethora of emotions you can feel for a person, place and/or thing at any time...

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

I always have had big feelings.

It's a curse and blessing.

When I love, I love with all my existence, so much that the love overflows and topples me over like a high tide on a full moon night. And when I hurt... I feel it everywhere. first, it tugs at my feet like the first big wave of the night and then it takes over me like a tsunami.

The hurt reverberates in me and echoes in everything I do. It burns my touches, my smiles and my breaths. The love emanates from me like radiation, everything glows bright and the lightness in my step makes the pavements look pink on a gloomy night. Being with you feels like a sunset, the pinks and oranges fading into an ultraviolet that brings me an incandescent smile. The calm after a day with blazing heat and raging Manhattan breeze feeding into the slow waves of the Hudson against the pier into a night so vibrant and blue it puts the city lights to shame. I chase the moon. As a child of feelings that eat me up the night protects me from judgmental eyes and wraps me in a blanket of comfort. As I lay there, on several dark nights, on city rooftops, shedding tears of red and gold, the moon stood right above me. The moon had been my best friend before I understood the meaning of the word in a moving human being. You feel like the moon comes down on the earth to be my best friend shining light on a dark stormy night. Like the one I come to during times of turbulence. Again, I am well aware these are feelings that aren't necessarily described as normal psychologically. but I have never been one for being "normal". I am too much for everyone and myself. I smile too much and cry too much. Ask too much and reveal too much. I shy away too much and achieve too much. I love too much and hate too much. I am sad too much and worry too much. I am alone too much and I push people away too much. I think about myself too much and wish I didn't disappoint people too much. I hurt too much and love too much. Yet all I crave is the intimacy of being understood. Everyone sees me, eviscerates me, points fingers at me, criticises me and admires me. Not many know me... Do I know me? Do I know you? What are you if not the pieces you have shown me... and if those pieces are anything to go by, I know we are similar.

You love a lot, with all your being. You love the trees, the sun, the moon, the wind, your friends and your family. To be loved by you would be a blessing from the heavens above. To be the one lighting up your eyes and making you turn red. To be the one who takes care of you and makes a fuss about you for once. I am scarred, everywhere outside and inside. The demons that I acquired in the game of life have poisoned my brain into believing I shouldn't deserve someone who can give so much pure unadulterated love. But I refuse to listen to them... I am scared, I always am. Too much (again). Disappointment has been my companion through the rough journies I have taken up until this point. To get disappointed by you and/or to disappoint you would be a shame. You remind me of me- the version who loves with no inhibitions and sees joy in nature. The image of you smiling at the sunset- a recurring occurrence, will forever be etched in my brain. That exact moment was when I fell in love with myself. Seeing you do something I used to do until I started letting people get to me and realising how beautiful your soul is when I fell for myself.

The pragmatic brain in me tells me that it is probably too soon for me to even believe I am in love with you, while the hopeless heart retorts that I fell in love with myself and that is the more important aspect. Is there a point to this rambling other than to detangle the mess in my brain? Not initially, but now the point seems to be the realisation I have had on exactly how deep my feelings could go. Added with the epiphany that I am not scared about it either. Once again, pragmatism and past pain should know better but I have always been the one to feel with all my being. So it only makes sense I feel this with every fibre cell, even the one still recovering from the last fall.

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

anti-hero's success and locals going "oh she finally admitted to being a problem" will never not be funny to me. This woman has been admitting to being the problem for years now... you just needed her to tell you in those exact simple words

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

ttpd has got my creative juices flowing and now instead being a full-time stem girlie for finals i am being tortured poet girlie... god i am failing

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

I love that Taylor’s words and music brings so many people together because we feel seen only through her. I’ve spent all my life trying to explain “I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday every day” and end up feeling like a clown. But in this fandom, we all get each other, we’re seen by one another through this shared piece of connection. That’s the beauty of Taylor’s raw and gut wrenching honesty.

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

Taylor's albums have always come around the perfect time for me in life. Even if they are announced months prior, the time around which the albums are released is usually when I need them the most. Her songs come to hug me and save me. When TTPD was announced my first thought was "Maybe this time I won't need it to be a hug that saves me but rather a source of joy during a time of pre-existing happiness"