Nothing Without Your Love
Pairing: Jin x fem. Reader
tags: fluff, idol jin, inspired after seeing runjin tour, highschool classmates, almost arranged marriage trope, angst, fluff, celebrity jin
a/n: I started writing this when I saw the live from Run seokjin tour back in August and it took me a year to figure out how to finish it. please forgive any spelling errors 😅
masterlist | Let me know your thoughts and feedback.
"Jin, do you believe in destiny?"
These are the first words I utter to the tall, slender, and gorgeous man in the fluffy pink hoodie and straight legged jeans in front of me.
I've known Kim Seokjin for a lot longer than he has known me, which is not saying a lot considering he is a big celebrity who made the country proud with his voice and looks. But that is not what I mean now, I've known the Kim Seokjin before he was Jin the singer, I knew Kim Seokjin before he hit puberty and people took his looks seriously.
I knew him when he was nothing but the quite boy who had the entire high school wrapped around his fingers without lifting an eyebrow.
And I knew the Seokjin whose mind was sharp as a butcher's knife and whose heart was as soft as the high quality cloud hoodie he is wearing.
But the Jin standing in front of me has no idea of Y/N, he has no idea how much I've envied him, and how dearly I loathe the personality he has on camera.
And none of that matters right now because this is the Jin my dad wants me to marry - not for his publicity, not for any business deal, or for control over me. but because Jin's dad is the fishing buddy my dad found two years ago fishing in the woods early in the morning and marrying his buddy's soft-hearted son (who my dad doesn't seem to mind is a famous person) seemed like the solution to my broken heart.
An idiot broke my delusions and that's how I ended up in this rooftop with Kim Seokjin, 15 years after our high school graduation when he was just a classmate.
"Destiny?" That's all he says as his mouths hangs slightly ajar in confusion as I nod with no further explanation just to see what his unfiltered answer would be.
He blinks at the bright blue sky for a couple seconds before he decides to carefully speak out.
"Destiny is a very strong concept, but so is belief. Belief is subjectional to our situations and we believe what favors us at the moment. And right now, standing in front of you after all these years, being set up by our families for marriage I can't help but believe in the existence of a destiny that can bring into play things I could've never imagined would happen in this lifetime."
He says every word carefully in a way that is eloquent but not performative. His voice low and soft unlike the bold and loud way he speaks on TV, I note to myself.
"I don't necessarily know if that's good or bad though," I retort solely because I have a penchant for arguments but also because I genuinely am curious.
I expect him to laugh playfully the way he does on those shows but all he does is smile softly. The only similarity to his on-screen persona seems to be the pink-ness of his clothes, the straight posture, and the gorgeous looks (he somehow looks better without pixels trying to do justice to those lips).
"Honestly, i don't know if it's going to be good or bad either." I have to shrug because I agree. "Do you expect us to get married?" The question yet again leaves my mouth before I can weigh it's meaning, i don't usually do this but I don't think I will regret it.
Jin takes it well, if he's taken aback or surprised he doesn't show it (years of media training I suppose), but he is calm as ever. "Do you expect us to?" His tone comes off as almost playful and it immediately riles me up as if he just challenge d me for a verbal sparring.
"Wouldn't marrying someone hinder your career... I mean all your fangirls would become devastated?"
He squares up for the sparring with a smirk on his face. "Why? Would you have been devastated if I married someone else?"
I scoff and roll my eyes dramatically, "Dude don't flatter yourself... I don't even know what genre you sing." And he laughs- shoulders shaking and all. I've always known he was good looking but he has grown into a beautiful man and none of those cameras do him justice.
When the laughter dies down he looks at me joyously, raising his hands in the air like he's admitting defeat and a prideful smile automatically breaks on my face. But he reverts to a serious but cheerful manner almost immediately. "But seriously, we should figure out what we are going to do about this whole our dads wanting to set us up thing..."
"Right...", I don't know what he's thinking, I don't want to suggest anything he doesn't want, but I don't know what I want either. But it's clear he's not going to tell me what he is thinking by the way his eyebrows are slightly raised and he is waiting for me to say my piece.
So i clear my throat and try to be honest. "See, I don't know if you know exactly why this is happening right now so let me clear that up. I was dating this guy, for almost 6 years now, and I thought we would get married and so did my family. But that asshole cheated on me and we broke up 6 months ago. And since then I've been sad, obviously, and I know my parents hate to see me this way. And this is kind of my dad's way to tell me to move on, and hopefully get a son-in-law he also likes."
I say it all like these are lines I've memorized from a piece of paper instead of it being my life that almost killed me the last few months. I can see Seokjin's eyes widen visibly but his posture and expression remain stiff and calm. It's clear he wants to express concern but he's not going to show me sympathy I don't need and I appreciate it. He's silent waiting to see if I have more to say and turns out I do.
"My ex was a tattoo artist, and to my father's dismay also a college dropout. He was nice when he was nice, I knew he was smart in his own way and also seemed very loyal and trustworthy. I should've known better than to give him the benefit of my doubt." I scoff at my own words and memories.
"You've always been that way," his voice comes low and soft and i look at him questioningly at which point he straightens up again (dude has the posture of a statue I swear), and clears his throat. "I mean you've always been kind to people."
"What? no..." He raises his eyebrow at my dismissal. "Are you or are you not still friends with the people who bullied you in high school?" And that is when I straighten up my posture, because yes he's right and I hate that he is right but also he is wrong.
"That's not out of kindness," he raises his eyebrows "that's because I know they were also kids and it wasn't their fault as much as it was the adults around us' fault." I'm defensive, my tone reeks of it, I involuntarily hold my chin up high and he sighs shaking his head.
"Okay yeah... you're right. Anyways, I appreciate you telling me all of this so honestly. I guess I should tell you my side of things to…” He takes a pause and I hold my breath in anticipation.
“So mine isn’t as, um… eventful, as yours is but essentially my parents have always been weary of the me being a celebrity thing and you know… sleeping with random people…”
“And do you?” The question comes out of me with pure curiosity but I immediately regret asking something so intrusive. This time he is flustered and he shows it (wow, broke the media training I guess!).
“No, of course I don’t! They’re my fans, they like my music. And I am grateful to have people who appreciate my art. I respect my fans too much for something like that.”
If the person telling the answer didn’t seem genuinely honest, I would scoff at the seemingly obvious buttered up answer written by a PR professional. But Seokjin here has big eyes and an expression that is a mix of defensive and offended. I’ve never seen him react openly like this without the show flair drama that he shows on screen.
“Okay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you… I was genuinely curious. I know how fans, especially of a young hot singer can be. And not to mention that you sing like an angel on top of looking like one, I wouldn’t blame if all the women wanted to be with you. But I’m sorry I offended you.”
With each word I uttered I watch Seokjin go from offended to flustered. Ears red, neck red as he tries to gulp down the rock of surprise definitely stuck up his throat.
One would think I’d be flustered to say what I just did, but I was being honest. And I didn’t think for someone who is constantly told on camera that he’s beautiful and handsome and hot (all of which are true) he’d be so flustered to hear it from me.
But true to his form, he gains his composure quickly while I wait for his reply.
“Thanks for saying that. And I mean you are right people do, um… throw- I mean offer themselves to be with me, but it’s more weird than it is flattering. I’d much rather be liked for my singing than my looks. But it’s good to know that you are actively aware of my fanbase’s response to me and agree with the description of my voice and looks after lying to me that you don’t even know what genre of music I make. I knew you were lying.”
By the time he’s done talking, his redness goes down as mine increases (I’m sure by the heat on my face). And I’m the one that’s flustered while he’s all cocky.
Cocky suits him is my first thought. He always looks so… good, but being cocky makes him look… hot!
By now it’s obvious that I’ve lied about not knowing him. And of course I lied, I wanted the upper hand in this conservation and I didn’t want him to know that I actually actively listen to his music when I can.
I’m not a diehard fan though… it felt weird to freak out in online fanbases when I knew him as Seokjin my high school classmate.
But now that I’ve lied and then dug up my own grave and he’s looking at me with his tongue in his check, I have successfully lost all upper hand I planned on gaining.
I sigh as he breaks into a smile.
“Kim Seokjin, don’t get too ahead of yourself! Everyone in this country hears your songs and you’re always on billboards and tv. And besides I didn’t need to become your fan to know you’re talented and good looking. I knew it when we wore the same school uniform and you had no makeup or designer clothes on. And technically I didn’t lie about not knowing which genre you sing because you sing everything! ”
Tables? Turned!
Jin? Flustered.
Upper hand? On me!
This is the longest he’s taken to recover and he’s so red I feel like I should offer to take him back to air-conditioning even though it’s spring right now and the weather is cool enough.
“Seokjin, are you okay?
He nods furiously. “Yeah, thank you, again!”
“Uh sure anytime. Anyways… back to your dad not wanting you to be a typical cool rockstar…”
“Oh right!” He looks like he genuinely forgot the point of our conversation. “So yea he has been pushing the idea of marriage for a while, especially since I turned 30. And when I said I don’t really have anyone in mind and am happy to meet anyone he likes, he was ecstatic. And a week after that conversation I went with my father on the fishing trip that he was taking with his buddy. This is where we met your father. And we got along really well, I loved your father’s cooking and we bonded over our mutual liking for fishing. And a month after that, last week, my dad told me he wants to set me up with his buddy’s daughter and lo behold- I’m here!”
I smile, because he was animatedly telling his story. And also because I know he was downplaying just how much my dad was impressed with him and his fishing and cooking skills and legitimately believes that a lifetime of eating his cooking will prevent his daughter from any sadness.
“Lo behold indeed!” We both smile widely.
“It’s crazy isn’t it?” He asks looking at the evening sky. This is the first time he is relaxing in this entire conversation and looking away from my face, so I follow suit.
“It is… who would’ve thought!” I can feel his gaze turn back towards me at this, but I’m not ready to look away from the gorgeous sunset happening in front of me and meet his eyes. I am not sure if it’s because I don’t want to see disappointment at this situation or because I don’t want to see happiness either.
Because I don’t know what to feel myself. So I stare at the endless buildings and pink sun melting against the hues of darkness lining the sky until I know he turns away.
“Is that why you asked about destiny?”
“Yeah, when things with such low probabilities happen in real time, you start to wonder that.”
He looks at me again, and yet again I choose not to.
“I’ve decided my answer…”
This gets me to turn towards him, his eyes shining with satisfaction of Aristotle yelling Eureka!
“To what?” “To your question about destiny…”
“And?”
“It is destiny that we meet here again, after all this life that has happened to us. And it’s never good to deny that. Like you said the odds of this happening were minimal and yet it did, so even if the outcome of this isn’t what we or our parents want we should give it a try.”
The pinks and the blues of the sky are swirling around in a romantic display of twilight and I find myself agreeing to Seokjin.
Because in all this life that has happened to me, I’ve never once been to deny a human connection even if it brings nothing but another stab to my heart.
But I have an instinct this one will either suture my heart back or obliterate it.
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“So are you guys dating now?”
I’ve never been a skeptic, not in my heart. But I have my best friend, Yuna, who carries all my skepticism for me and doubles it up when it comes to my romantic life. We met in college as two teenagers, burned by life, vowing not to let people in our life and ending up intertwining our lives forever through the scared bond of friendship.
"No not dating... actually i don't know." I am just realizing I actually don't know what we agreed for. "So what did you tell your parents about the conversation?" she asks through the video call that's blaring from my phone screen as I clean my room.
"Honestly, I think Pops is happy that I have agreed to talk to someone other than my work clients and went out of my apartment on a weekend." That's true because he has not followed up on my conversation with Seokjin in a week. "Wow! Pops is giving you space? That's unheard of..." She laughs and I nod in agreement. "But I understand, I am also glad you're not being a vegetable. And if through this Exercise," knowing her she's definitely air-quoting the word exercise," you get married to world-famous gorgeous singer Jin." She's all dramatic and I turn to glare at her but both of us are giggling.
"Don't forget that while you only know him as Jin the idol, I know him as Kim Seokjin since before he hit puberty." "Well if it was as you are making it seem, then that was a god-level puberty" "Actually... now that you mention it, I don't remember him ever not looking..." "Gorgeous? Handsome? Hot?" Yuna is helpfully suggesting as I roll my eyes. "Yeah yeah... all that."
We pause the conversation to laugh at ourselves- which is our favorite thing to do.
"Actually, it's a shame he looks that good." I say my thoughts aloud and she hums in question. "I mean the one thing I do remember him for is how smart, efficient, and well-mannered he was- then and now." "Oh my god, Y/N... did you have a thing for Jin in school?" Now I fully laugh, because she could not be more wrong. "Oh wow no, I didn't have a thing for him. In fact, the only interaction we had in school was one project in sophomore year. During those three weeks he was the only person in that whole school who was normal and in fact kind to me. And he was so efficient unlike the other teenage boys who took comfort in the system set up by years of patriarchy and letting the girls handle it all and take the credit. But not Seokjin, he made sure we had equal responsibility and even though he was clearly smarter than me he never once made me feel bad about anything." Yuna is surprised and it's evident by her raised eyebrows and frown. I smile at the memories ruefully. "It's funny now because I hated him, for being so likeable and well adjusted at that age. I hated him because everyone found him good looking while I was being harassed for my existence. God, I'm so pathetic." I set the cleaning cloth down and slump in front of the phone. "Babe, you know you're not pathetic... it makes perfect sense that you felt that way."
"Well, it wasn't just till I was in high school thought" I admit begrudgingly as Yuna waits for me continue. "I resented him so much, that it followed me. And to my horror he became so famous to the point that no amount of being offline helped avoid him. And with each success he achieved, I felt proud for him but also hated myself so much that nobody ruined his confidence like they did mine. It is pathetic."
She sighs and so do I. We've been through this for the last 15 years, since freshman year of university, and neither of us needs to comfort each other with words. Being able to bring the topic up constantly without judgement is enough. She had a tough high school environment too and even if our situations are not similar, we understand each other.
And while I understand what caused this resentment to a man who's doing nothing but be kind and nice to me and everyone else, I also do feel ashamed. "Maybe this exercise is what you need in life to get rid of that feeling." Yuna might be a skeptic, but she was also an optimist. "Maybe... he certainly seems to think something good can come out of this...Exercise." We're back to smiling softly and I could not be more grateful to have found someone like her.
"Anyway when you are seeing him again?"
I sigh. "I don't know, unlike me he doesn't have a fixed schedule so he said he will look into it and text me." "Oh my god Y/N, you didn't tell me that you guys are texting now?"
"Yuna it's not like we are flirt texting with each other, it is purely for logistical purposes."
"Oh sure... maybe he will write his next song about you!" She looks thrilled and I can't laugh at her ridiculousness. "Sure buddy." I exclaim and we end the call promising to keep each other updated on life.
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*Kim Seokjin: Hey* This is the text I receive at 11:45pm on Saturday, a week after the rooftop conversation with Seokjin as I am getting ready to sleep.
*Hey* I type back. The typing bubble pops up immediately and it intrigues me more than I'd like to admit.
**Can I call?** The message makes me smile, ever the polite man, this Seokjin. "Yes", I type back and immediately receive a call.
"Hey, sorry I called you so late." Jin's voice comes low and soft on the phone. "No need to apologize, it's the weekend and I am awake just vegetating." I drawl out.
"Oh are you cooking?" I chuckle at his innocent question. "No I am just watching TV. What about you?"
"Oh I just came back from practice." "You were practicing until now?" He chuckles. "Yeah, I have a couple showcases coming this month and I had to practice. It got over early today."
"Wow early you say! So what do you usually do when you get time like this?" "Haha, yeah early. Usually I game until I want to sleep and sleep for as long as I can till I have to work. But in weekends I try to visit my parents and you know, get as much kimchi as I can from home."
"I feel that," I say as I laugh. "So what are your plans this weekend?" He asks.
"I also usually try to visit my parents on Sundays but they're out of town so just chilling at home watching a cheesy drama. As you can understand I lead a really exciting life." He laughs, soft chuckles coming out clear and low, it makes me feel like I won a prize for being the funniest person ever.
"Okay, so let me make your Sunday more exciting by suggesting a... hangout?" I laugh at the choice of the word but I am glad he said that. It might be a tad too early for "dates" for us. "Don't you have to go home for kimchi?" "Nahhh I have enough to last another week." I can feel he's being genuine the way his answer comes so easily.
"Oh okay then, I am free. Tell me when and where." "Ummm... okay I don't want to sound forward..." he is chewing on his words and I don't want to cut him off.
"Would it be okay if we hung out either in your place or mine? It's just that I get one day to be at home and I am not really looking forward to hiding from the paparazzi and I don't think you'd want to either. So yeah whichever works for you..."
Right, hiding from papparazzi.
"Ohh... yeah that makes sense. I guess it makes sense to be at your place because then you won't be photographed." I am filled with trepidation, it's weird.
"I mean I can just come in my car to your house without being noticed. Is that okay?" The hint of a similar nervousness is there in his voice and it weirdly makes me feel better. "Oh then yeah it's great!"
I do feel more relieved that I don't have to go to his fancy celebrity house just yet (or ever if this goes sideways), but this means I have to get up and clean the house upside down and get real human groceries.
"See you tomorrow then Y/N." "Yes see you then. Bye Seokjin." "Bye Y/N."
And that Saturday, for the first time in forever I sleep at midnight with my stomach bubbling and mind resting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Kim Seokjin: I'm leaving now, will be there in 30 mins. *
The text comes at 11 am as I just finish wiping down the kitchen counters. I haven't cooked because he texted me at 3:30 am in the morning to tell me not to do any of that. I have no idea why he was awake then, or when he slept and how he is functioning now after such physically exhausting practice sessions. *Me: Okay. See you soon. * I text back as I go and change into more presentable house clothes because I don't want to seem like I put too much effort into whatever this hangout is supposed to be but I don't want to looks like I would if it was just me at home.
In exactly 30 mins, the buzzer rings and I open the community door without asking who it is because I don't want him to reveal his identity or anything.
My heart is beating in my throat. as I wait for the elevator door to open. Thump. Thump. Thump. And the elevator doors open, revealing a big bulky man clad in full black, who steps aside and holds the elevator door as the other tall, slender man in black t-shirt and joggers steps out with a mask, shades, and a cap that leaves his face to imagination. But I know who this is, of course. I wait by my apartment door as I watch him pat his bodyguard, presumably, on his shoulder and nod. The bodyguard waits by the elevator till Seokjin sees me and then heads back down.
A part of me involuntarily sighs as I thought the bodyguard would insist on standing guard outside my apartment door for the whole duration of this hangout.
Seokjin walks toward me and I let him inside my house without saying anything in case any neighbor of mine is outside or has their door open. I don't want to attract any attention to him or to myself.
Once he's in the house, I step in and lock the door. When I turn back, his mask and hat are coming off and there's a bright smile playing on his lips. I smile back, "Welcome to my humble abode Seokjin." I say as I lead him to the sofa in the living room.
"Thank you, Y/N. Did I ruin your Sunday plans?" He asks politely as he sits down on the end of my sofa while I sit on the other end.
"What? No... If you didn't come, I'd probably just be lying on my bed the whole day..." I am trying to fight the awkwardness out of my throat but seeing how rigid both of us are sitting it's not helping.
After a minute of awkwardness, I give up. I sigh and shrug back into the sofa to see him relax too- but he still sits upright. "Seokjin..." his name comes out as a question in my tongue and he look at me with his eyebrows raised.
"What do you want to do today? We can be here sitting awkwardly or watch something or I can order something for us to eat..." I suggest, playing the part of the host. He looks up in thought and huffs.
"My initial plan was to hangout and maybe cook something together.. i don't know, I didn't actually plan anything. I-" he looks more nervous as he continues, "I- I just wanted to spend time with you."
WOW!
"Oh okay..." I sit up a little, "I mean I wanted to hangout with you too, but we gotta figure out what we want to do."
"Okay I have an idea." I can see a glint in his eyes as he turns his body also to face mine. "Should we watch one of the movies you said you'd watch today if you were alone. That way we would be comfortable too."
"Oh that's not a bad idea as long as you don't mind watching a sappy romance movie." I say slightly shy, because the general population of men don't respond to watching romcoms very kindly.
But I shouldn't have been surprised that this enigma of a man in front of me would react differently. He smiles big and says, "I absolutely don't mind romance movies. They are so cute, hopeful and happy. I have a couple of my favorite romance movies too but those are for another time. Which one do you want to watch now?"
His enthusiasm is infectious and I immediately sit and grab my tv remote. "I want to watch 27 Dresses. Have you seen it?"
"No! Is it good?" He looks genuinely excited as I fervently nod in the affirmative.
Before I press play on the movie I want us to get comfortable so I grab the chips packets.
Through the movie he makes quips and remarks that match my usual monologues at the tv and it makes me crack up every time. And with each scene we have gotten comfortable on the couch, and I'm glad I bought enough snacks because Seokjin seems to love snacking them. It's almost more fun watching him enjoy the movie and make funny faces and get offended on the lead's part.
By the time the big confession happens, he has mellowed out and I catch myself watching his face more than the scene. This is the first time in my romcom-loving existence, that I'm not fervently looking at the movie during the important scenes. I really don't want to admit to myself but this feels better than watching the movie right now.
Good God this is a gorgeous man. But the icing on the cake is how his face, eyes, and lips soften at the emotional scenes. His face is breaking into a huge smile and I can't help but smile with him.
"Stop staring at me like that Y?N..."
Huh!
"I- I'm not staring... I was simply checking if you are liking the movie." I am clearly flustered, but I'm trying to act cool. Then I feel him turn my face toward him, and my face instantly betrays me by heating up.
I'm not a teenager, but it feels incredibly like I'm 16 right now, because Seokjin is staring at me with a glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.
"Y/N, you're bad at lying. " This idiot is smirking so hard, I'm part annoyed and part impressed. "But also, of course I loved the movie. But did you like what you were seeing?"
Oh this smug idiot...
I swat his hand away and roll my eyes in fake annoyance.
"Don't flatter yourself so much. I'm sure your fans feed into your delusions. I was just being a polite."
He nods sarcastically, "so you think my fans flirt with me ? Should I tell them not to?"
Oh, he knows exactly what he's doing.
"Oh please, I don't care what you and your fans do with each other. Besides, I saw you in high school... you'll always be that silent kid in my head. Keep your celebrity confidence to yourself Mr."
He laughs, throwing his head back and then holds my hands in his.
"Celebrity confidence or not, you know I was always handsome..." He's right, he was always good looking. But I shake my head negative and shrug just to mess with him and he raises his eyebrows at me.
"Well, for what it's worth... I've always thought you were pretty Y/N."
And with that he gets up to get more food for himself leaving my jaw to rest on the floor.
I don't know what he's doing to me, but I'm liking it for now.
We spend the rest of the evening watching more things, singing songs, and getting takeout. By the time he leaves in the night, I've laughed so much my cheeks hurt and I'm feeling extra peppy about the week to come.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "You're smiling an awful lot at your phone these days."
"Huh?" I look up from my phone to look at Yuna staring at me with daggers in her eyes from the other side of the cafe table. The foam in my coffee had fizzled out, and Yuna has already finished her matcha and pastry.
"I'm sorry Yuna, just had to send a quick text." I say as I close my phone and keep it away.
This is our monthly cafe ritual and we promised to be present in the moment and share our lives and thoughts with each other. We had already missed last month's meet and I'm actually sorry I was distracted.
"Who were you texting?" She asks suspiciously. I sigh, "Seokjin..."
There is no use lying to her.
"Ohoooo," her face immediately lights up. "What's your boyfriend telling now?"
"He's NOT my boyfriend!" I shout whisper.
Yuna crosses her hands across her chest with a smug smirk on her face. "Okay, then what is he? You're almost fiance?"
"What? No. We haven't decided yet if we're going to get married." It's safe to say Yuna looks personally offended at what I said.
"But you both went on a family fishing trip with both your parents, and you bonded so well with his parents and him with yours."
That was true. We did go on a 3 day getaway, because our dad's insisted. And it was actually some of the best days I had.
Since the first weekend Jin came to my house, we hadn't gotten to hang out in almost a month due to his schedule. But the texts and calls - even video calls, became more and more frequent. He texted me at all odd times with the smallest updates about his day and I responded with mine. We sent each other updates about high school friends we lost touch with. He sent me memes and fangirl posts about himself (whenever he wanted to pull the Celebrity card), and I responded with the pidture of him in our yearbook.
It was easy to talk to Seokjin, he felt familiar. He made me laugh a lot and constantly surprised me with his thoughts, and opinions. He was a breath of fresh air in my life.
When he finally got a week off his dad reuqested we all go to a family event and I had made my dad promise this wasn't their way of coercing us to agree to a marriage. But to my relief, it was a very chill and rejuvenating trip. Seokjin's dad and my dad were very wholesome, and both the mom's made such good food. I also got to meet his younger brother Jungkook who made me want to baby him forever even though he was a very built, tatted up adult man.
"Yea we went on the trip, but we didn't decide on anything."
"Okay, forget everyone deciding, what are your thoughts?" It's been 3 months since this endeavour began... what is your verdict?"
I groan, "Yuna, it's only been three months." She waves my hand away, "See I'm not asking if you're ready to spend the next 60 years of your life with him. I'm asking if you like him?"
"Ohhh... in that case," I'm fighting so hard to not smile. "There was this one conversation we had in the night during the trip..."
Yuna's eyes widen so big they're about to pop from her skull. She leans forward enthusiastically, "Please tell me everything."
Smiling at her enthusiasm, I replay the conversation by the river side on the last night of the trip to her.
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We were just sitting and having a drink, our parents had gone to sleep for the night and we were both awake and pretty in need of a one-on-one conversation.
The topic had begun from catching up about the month, to thre trip, and to past somehow. He had opened up to me abou the anxiety and fear that comes with this profession and I had told him about my past.
"it's scary to think that without all the wounds in my heart I might've never stopped to think of those whose wounds are hidden far from the reach of the naked eye... it's scary to think that the mother of my empathy is the source of all my pain you know..."
Seokjin stared into my eyes long enough for my heart to skip a breath and pause the heaviness in my chest. He sighed slowly, as if every breath of air coming out of him had weights around their legs. I feel the heaviness in my chest constrict in the shape of the dagger of guilt I carry.
"I might be biased here, but you're one of the few people I know who have the unfortunately rare ability to feel empathy for all beings even when you didn't carry the wounds of your existence in your heart."
The heaviness of the conversation is soothed by the soft cool twilight wind blowing in our faces. Neither of us moved from our spot for fearing of having to drop the big precious bleeding boulder we have balanced between the two of us currently.
"But you never knew me before I became... ", I' was trying not to say something depreciative like damaged or broken- partly because I know he will retaliate in anger for me and also because 'm tired of putting myself into the same context as a porcelain dish.
But before I could torture myself trying to fit into the boxes I've known, he continued.
"I didn't have to know you from before all that bitterness... I knew you then, I know you now, and everything you've done until now - all of which was hopefully truthful information," the little comment made me finally crack a grin and his face reflected mine. "And also, no one whose empathy stemmed purely out of the almost selfish act of getting hurt themselves would be worried about something like this. This is very much a "you" special."
The feathers of his words were sword fighting with my demons and I need to clear my mind twice before I could comprehend his words. I felt like a a cup of warm tea flowed through my heart when his words finally hit me. Only he has this effect on me, and only i can bring out these words out of him.
"That is very kind of you to say Seokjin..." the smile that graces his face at this remark elevated the temperature in every cell of my body.
"You know I'm not sugar coating you with bullshit right..."
I break into a smile, "you're the one person I expect not to..." I didn't used to say such things, but with someone as genuine as him it is almost impossible not to be genuine.
And as we sat there staring into the stary night, sipping our drinks, and occasionally glancing at each other I had the very comforting that that maybe destiny does exist. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yuna was slient throughout my entire recounting of the conversation, but her eyes grew softer and smile wider as I said it.
When i was done she held my hand from the other end of the table. "Y/N, I'm always proud of how kind and soft you've been despite everything thrown at you. But right now, I'm more happy you've found someone with who you can be soft and share the burden, other than me of course." The last part cracks both of us.
"Yuna... I like him..." I finally let myself admit it to her. She starts giggling and smiling till the people in the table next to us look at us weirdly and I have to shush her, but I'm also giggling.
When we eventually calm donw, I say "It's so embarrasing to be all giggly and jittery about liking a guy at my age."
"What? Don't you dare... this is exactly how the right guy should make you feel, regardless of the age."
Oh what would I do without this girl...
"Now what? Are you gonna tell him?" I choke on my drink a little when she asks this, because I do not know what next.
"Maybe, but I want to make him work for it...", because who doesn't want to make the most eligble bachelor handsome singer of the country work to get them!
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There was a magic to knowing you're falling for someone, someone like Seokjin. Everyday I find new facets to him, I can never write him off as just a goofy person. He's so incredibly driven on one hand, and so ridiculously funny. He takes his work very seriously and spends most of his time improving himself. Seeing his work ethic and mindset makes me regret writing him off as a shallow celebrity at the beginning.
In the next month or so, we are on video call more often. He comes over on one weekend, and I visited his house one weekend. Visiting Seokjin's house was a wild experience. As he had instructed I dressed inconspicuously (hat, mask and all), and waited for his driver to pick me up in a SUV with blacked out windows and got dropped near a list in the garage of the building's hidden entrance.
When I finally entered his apartment, I was immediately hit with it's size - it was a huge apartment. And thankfully his taste in decorating this gorgeous and spacious apartment was not ridiculous. I've always been disgusted seeing some celebrities gaudy taste when they post house tour videos. Seokjin's apartment looks sensible, luxurious yes but sensibly luxurious. His gaming room si what gets my attention because the amount of chips and drinks that are stashed on the table alongside the obviously expensive and incredible gaming setup just showcases his personality.
I note the abundance of pink, cute plushies, and the fully stocked kitchen. The gaming room was the only evidence that this apartment was inhabited by a single man.
That weekend I finally got to experience the famous cooking skills of Seokjin. He did not let me help him at all, and when I refused to leave the kitchen he told me stand in the corner and watch. And that's what I did.. it was almost too hot to handle. I've always loved when men cook, but Seokjin cooks with precision, care and passion. And i cannot forget the dad jokes, those are present regardless of what he's doing, and I find myself laughing regardless of the cringe.
The food was incredibly delicious and I found myself licking the plates at the end. Hanging out with Seokjin didn't feel uncomfortable at all, we acted like good friends and there was some truth to it.
By this point in this "exercise" we had spent a good amount of 5 months talking to each other and hanging out whenever we could. Our parents had also gotten close, and it was evident how much of the credit for the man Soekjin is today goes to his mom. I also ended up hanging out with both our parents more often due to my availability and I loved getting spoilt by all four adults and all of us banding together to tease Seokjin.
I was also getting more aware of how attracted I was to Seokjin, especially when he was being domestic and responsible when we hungout. I was especially thrilled (not in the moment, but later) when I had accidentally fallen asleep on his shoulder holding on to him after the incredible lunch he had cooked us and he had let me hold on to him like that for hours until I woke up and wanted to bury my head underground.
Seokjin was not a ragingly masculine kind of hot; he had a sleeper build, and he was functionally masculine, which made him even hotter. He was also so athletic it drove me crazy when he played sports in variety shows.
I itched to ask if he also liked me, but I did not want to break the trance we were in. It felt rude to pressure him when he was clearly working himself to the bone for his upcoming album and tour. Through those five months, I saw him as a celebrity doing variety shows, even a press announcement for the album and tour, and of course all the background work that went into it. But he did not let me sit in on a practice rehearsal for the tour or hear the songs on the album. This was the one time we got close to fighting.
“What are you trying to hide Seokjin? I’m not going to go post on SNS about the performance. I just want to see you perform before there are thousands of people in the crowd.” I never imagined I was this kind of whiny with someone I was not even officially dating yet.
“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hide anything or incinuate you’d leak information. I just want the songs and performance to be a surprise for you.”
I felt like a 5 year old crying for a toy. I could see he was tired. He finally got an evening free and we met at his place for dinner and this was the bullshit I was pulling. But that was the thing about falling for someone, you started acting feely and maturity went out of the window.
But what happened next felt like the reward for my tantrums. Seokjin turned towards me, took two sharo steps forward and held my face in his hands.
Hearing him say he was trying to be romantic, while looking down at me with soft eyes and intimidating expression as he towered over me took the breath from my body and I could only nod at him. He didn't move away immediately and my eyes naturally drifted between his sincere eyes and his plump inviting lips.
Thank god for Seokjin being a smart man, he followed my eyes and lifted his eyebrows, both in surprise and in question. When he didn't take my wordless nod as an answer, I got impatient and blurted an urgent yes.
That was all he needed to press his lips on mine and kiss me like he waited his whole life to do it. And in that moment, I realized I waited for this my whole life too and went in for everything I wanted. In this moment all that existed was him and I, nothing more and nothing less. Scientifically I knew I was losing air but spirtually I never felt more alive. In that moment I was sure this was it, nothing would ever top this moment with this man.
When I finally thought we were pulling apart when Seokjin's lips left mine for a minute, he held my wasit and pulled me closer to him. This man knew how to make a woman weak in her knees. I was not sure how long we kept going back in for one mind blowing kiss after another but when we finally pulled back for air my lips were sore and his were redder and more plump than before.
We were breathing heavy, still holding onto each other, and we began laughing. Just pure happiness radiating from the two of us.
"I've been waiting months to do that, thank god. I might've bursted if I had to go another day without kissing you." He was the one to pause the laughter to say this and make me blush harder.
"Right back at you," was all I could say before we continued making out for the better part of the night.
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I didn't get the opportunity to see Seokjin for almost two whole weeks since then until today at his album special concert where I am seated in the front row in this auditorium with both our families, my friend Yuna, and hundreds of his fans. I wanted to see him backstage but when his parents didn't suggest or mention it I felt it would be overkill.
"Do your families know?" Yuna whispered into my ears. "Know what?" She made big eyes at me and then stage which I inferred implied the new developments between Seokjin and I, and I violently shaked my head negative.
"Wow that's surprising!" I elbow her to shut up and focus on the dimming lights on the stage. Seokijn had kept me away from all rehearsals and visiting him before the show and while it is annoying I have to respect his craft.
The show began with confetti and lights and a peppy song where Seokjin came running into the stage. The whole show and setup was very him and I love seeing him on stage. His first outfit is a bedazzled denim combo that makes him look like a Greek God.
Every song was better than the last and after an hour running, jumping and belting his heart out, Seokjin- now in a perfectly tailored suit, sits on the edge of the stage right in front of my seat, I can feel Yuna strongly elbowing me but I could not care less about anyone but him in the moment.
Seokjin look at the audience with a big smile, "Guys, thank you for being here and being so supportive of me." He means every word and happiness shines bright on his pretty face.
"I decided to sit down and share a special song from my new album with all of you today." Seokjin's words are careful but said with ease, and then I see his eyes settle at the sight of me. My heart is pounding in my chest as the audience cheer loudly.
"Recently I met someone special, someone who made my life better by just becoming a part of it. Someone who did not know that they're the reason I got the courage to pursue my passion and someone who I love with all my heart."
The collective gasps and "Ooohh"s that fill the stadium fall flat in my ears because in that moment all I see is Seokjin looking me in the eye and saying he loves me. And I love him... I hope he knows that in this moment.
He smiles wider at my smile, he knows I love him.
"I want to dedicate this next song to that person, and hope you guys respect our privacy and enjoy the song."
This is the song he did not want me to know about, and as he starts singing I can see why. He maintains his eye contact as he tells me I'm his everything and I can feel the joy bubbling in my eyes in the form of hot tears.
As he ends the song with "I'm nothing without your love" I am a puddle of tears. Only when he's done he looks around the audience, and I realize I am sitting amongst a crowd of people who are definitely trying to find who I am.
When Seokjin exits for his final costume change I clear my throat and look nervously at the two pairs of parents and my bestfriend sitting next to me. The abundance of joy pouring from these people makes me cry even more.
"I'm glad you and Seokjin found each other." Hearing my dad say that as he squeezes my hand makes my soul calm.
Yuna is a blubbering mess and we just hug each other for the rest of the concert.
During the encore song, Seokjin's manager comes to escort our group to the backstage so we can leave with him after the crowd disperses. A strange rumble starts in my stomach as I realize that Seokjin just announced he is in love, with me, on stage infront of a thousand people and it will be on the national news by dawn. I am pretty sure it is already trending online.
The weight of the realization that my life is about to change hits but all I want to do is take him alone and tell him I love him.
As we wait for him to come back, I look between his parents and my parents, hoping I don't do or say something weird.
Eventually Seokjin emerges out of the curtains into the room, all dazzling with sweat and exhilaration. Before I could realize it, my instinct leads me to walk up to him with a towel I found nearby and hand it to him as someone grabs his mic. He hands the mic over and hold me by the waist as he starts wiping away at the sweat.
God he looks hotter after a two hour concert!
The rest of the 10 minutes are a whirlwind of everyone talking over one another and him finishing formalities all while holding either my waist or hand.
Yuna looks positively starstruck the first five minutes and immediately becoming besties with Seokjin and giving me crazy eyes as she notices the constant physical touch between Seokjin and I.
To my relief, Seokjin's dad suggest I ride in the car with Seokjin today and the rest of them will drive back to the house. And for the first time since the day in his house, I'm alone with Seokjin.
Being the smart man that he is, he doesn't waste any time in pulling me into a soul reviving kiss. This man kisses me like it's his oxygen and I can do nothing but submit to his need as I hold him for support.
After what feels like the majority of the ride to his house, we break apart to breathe and we start laughing.
"Oh my god I feel bad for your driver." Is the first thing I whisper when I've recovered my breath and start getting shy. He laughs, ears and cheeks red, "I'll give him a bonus or something". We erupt into another fit of giggles.
When I eventually notice we're pretty close to his house, where our families will meet us, I clear my throat in an attempt to tell what I really want to tell him.
"Seokjin..." He raises his eyebrows as he holds my hand. Good God that feels amazing!
"Umm I... I loved your song." I'm almost embarrassed for being flushed like a teenager at my big age but that's the effect Seokjin has on me.
As if he can sense my embarrassment he immediately becomes playful and smirks, which only makes my heart do a summersault.
"Y/N, you know I performed almost 20 songs. Which one are you talking about?"
This cheeky bastard.
I roll my eyes, trying not to look as flustered as I feel. "I liked the song Nothing without your love, the one you were keeping as a surprise..." "Mhmmm... and?"
His cheekiness makes me playfully punch him until he cages me in a bear hug.
"Pleasee say the words, Y/N. Pleaseee..." He whispers in my eyes as I lean on his chest when he has wrapped himself around me.
I strain my neck to look at his eyes and slowly say, "Seokjin, I love you."
One second I am saying the words and the next his lips come crashing on me. This time he kisses me with all the care and patience in the world and it makes my insides melt even further.
When we break apart, "I love you too Y/N, I meant the whole song." His words and sincerity brings tears to my eyes!
"Oh god does that make me a celebrity girlfriend?" I cringe internally at how it kinda makes me happy.
"Oh yess, it's going to be fun babe."
"Ewww, who knew you're such a cheesy person." I say as I giggle and snuggle into him right as the car pulls up into his apartment.
"Seokjin, what about our parents? "
"Hmmm, let's just be ourselves until they come out and ask us about us. It should be fun."
Fun...
As we get down from the car, I can't help but think about how drastically my life is about to change and before I could start heaving in panic, Seokjin's fingers lock into mine and I can't help but feel like destiny might be a good concept.
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a/n pt2 : let me know if you guys want a second part (if you have ideas) I really wanted to give this a more dramatic ending but ran out of creative juices
