#ask lm bipper

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Bill, I'm sorry to have disturbed you, I was just giving you ideas and trying to help for your best interests. Please don't kill me.😟

Bill: Well your ideas are bad, and they’re not gonna become instantly good just because you keep throwing them at me in increasingly roundabout ways. Don’t worry, I won’t kill you. You’re not worth the trouble. Yet. Don’t test your luck, please.

On a positive note, not all your questions are bad!

Bill: See, this one’s ok because ever since the old blog got…uh, snapped, I can’t rely on the regular viewers on knowing what the hell is going on over here anymore (especially with the archive site being such a pain to navigate as it is) so this gives me an excuse to go over small details!

Like my good friend Sammy, the Slutty Satyr! We’re fuckbuddies, basically. Found him in the woods one day while going pretty much insane from sex withdrawal and we hit (each other) off rather quickly. Now I know how you humans are about ‘”sexual loyalty to your partners” and all that but don’t worry, Dipper’s aware of him and he agreed to this much before I ever met this pal o’ mine! See, ever since I started inhabiting these hormonally charged human vessels I’ve become…let’s say…I don’t wanna use the word addicted because that’s much too strong but the urge to have sex becomes entirely too distracting and I can’t have a moment of respite to even think straight! The damn urges follow me even outside the meatsuits, it’s like an annoying itch I never get to scratch!

Luckily, Dipper agreed to let me find a living outlet for the problematic urges and even more luckily I met the perfect candidate for this. Sammy likes sex, has a boyfriend, and is very much in the same situation as I am (boyfriend’s away and he needs to bone) so we scratch each other’s itches. And let me tell you, not often do I get into mutually beneficial relationships (they’re usually heavily unbalanced in my favor) but this one I don’t mind having at all! It’s only gonna last until his boyfriend or mine comes back tho, or at lest the sex part will. I wouldn’t mind keeping him around even without that, he’s a funny guy.

Sammy: Also I he-elp you improve your se-e-ex skills so once your bf comes ba-a-ack you don’t suck at it from la-ack of pra-actice.

Bill: That’s an excellent point Sammy, well said!.

Sammy: Also if you guy-y-s wanna toss ideas for me to do to hi-im, I’m all ears

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

Bill: Ok that’s enough now.

Sammy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

Bill: How are you doing that.

Sammy: ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bill: Stop.

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Have you talked to Dipper recently? How is he doing?

Bipper: Guys! Holy Elder Shit! It’s like everything’s happening at once now, after like weeks of stagnation!! You will not believe what’s just transpired!!Ok, it’s not that difficult to believe, but here it goes: I’m having an interview with Dipper’s parents over webcam! Turns out Dipper’s mom caught on Dipper having a boyfriend a bit ago and confronted him, and he told him about me! Well, kind of; we had a story prepared for this sorta scenario since we knew it wouldn’t stay a secret for them forever, so he’s used that story and so far they seem convinced; but they wanna meet me. Have a costume ready for it, only detail left to the wind is to mention to Wendy that I’m pretending to be her brother for this one but I’m sure that’s gonna be no problem. 

Bipper: So we have a scheduled web chat with cam this next Friday, but for now we gonna do a rehearsal with him and Mabel this afternoon. The plan is for me to go to the library with the laptop and pretend to do homework n’ shit so I have an excuse not to introduce my “parents” as well as to leave a good impression. And I really wanna leave a good impression, like the best possible. I wanna charm them both the best I can with no powers and over a camera, and luckily I have practice on the matter so it shouldn’t be hard after some research on those two. If all goes well and Dipper’s parents see how in love we are and how much of a good influence I am on their son, they’re gonna be that much likely to let him come over the upcoming school break!!

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Bill, what would Glunkus look like as a human? Perhaps an anime guy with black hair and sharp teeth?🤔

Bipper: ...

Bipper: Why do you make me imagine these things?!

[littlemonstersau-blog]

So bill, I’m guessing you’re afraid of bugs? that actually makes sense, don’t worry though, I’m afraid of bugs too,as well as a lot of other people around the world, so you’re not alone

Bipper: I’m not scared of bugs, that’s just stupid. They’re tiny and insignificant and only a minuscule fraction are poisonous enough to harm a human, and I’m not harmed by poisons at all so why the hell would I be scared of a bug??

Bipper: Vortocienz parasites, on the other hand, are a different thing entirely. Any living being should fear them, with very good reason, and honestly I may just dislike blister beetle larva purely by how they resemble those. But I don’t fear those, I fear the real thing. They can burn in all of the Hells forever and please stay away from me.

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Heya Bill! I’ve got a question regarding the physical pain that you may or may not experience. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever gotten stuck in your eye and how did you get it out?

Bipper: Ugh, I’ll have to go with that one time I got an entire brood of Vortocientz parasites stuck behind my eye. They crawled up and tangled themselves in the nerves and- oh GODDSSS even just remembering it its making me wanna dissolve my own matter into goo. I had to tear my own eye out nerve by nerve, careful not to open any wounds that would let those monsters inside me, it was by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to experience.The closest thing I know of that exists in this planet are those blister beetle larvae things that luckily only target flying insects. Seriously, don’t look up videos of those or you’ll get NIGHTMARES worse than what I can give you; because those exist. But if you dare look them up imagine those things, crawling all behind my one magnificent eye, scratching with their tiny claws ughghhhhhhhh. Honestly, I don’t even know why my past self left the memory of this horrid occurrence behind instead of some other more important information I am missing right now!!! What purpose does this memory have?? To keep me from getting Vortocientz parasites in my eyes again??? They’re invisible!!! And only exist in a single dimension, where they’re overflowing it!!! I can’t see them coming but they’re super easy to avoid, just don’t go into that damned dimension! Could have just kept that info instead of the vissghhaAAAAGHH!!!

[littlemonstersau-blog]

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!! I’m sure you’re feeling really nervous about making a good impression tho, but I’m sure you’re gonna do fine, you’re bill Cipher after all!

Bipper: Pff! Me?? Nervous???? Ph-lease! I’ve tricked humans a thousand times over, and this time I have a stupendously cute vessel to present myself with, plus a lot of intel from the son and daughters of the targets themselves! Sure, I don’t have most of my powers to rely on, but that just means I get to flex my more…unconventional means of convincing. Unconventional to me, of course, you humans are stuck with them all the time. This will just mean that, at the end of the day, I can do this with or without powers either way. So I’m better than all of humanity combined. Of course you already knew that, but it’s a good reminder.

Sammy: Ohmygodsholycrapwhatisthat?!?!?

Bipper: Hum…? This is a costume?

Sammy: When did you become even hotter?!?!

Bipper (offended): it’s a costume. And I don’t like the implication that Dipper’s visage wasn’t perfectly attractive already, pal.

Sammy: I’m just telling what I see here, friendo. You somehow managed to turn your regular vessel into a fantastically adorable looking one!! I just wanna eat you all up, in several ways!

Bipper: No, back off there. I don’t want you ruining my makeup, these freckles took an eternity to get right.

Sammy: Oh, I don’t need to touch your face to achieve what I have in mind.

Bipper: You’ll make me sweat, it’s all the same!! If you so much as put a single finger on me I swear on your earthly existence I will pull your horns out through your butthole!

Sammy: I’m temped enough as is, Cipher, you don’t need to add fuel to the fire with those promises.

Bipper: Get lost! Now! And take those blue balls of yours with you!

Sammy: Can I take yours as well? :D

Bipper: NO!

[littlemonstersau-blog]

Awwwwww!! I’m so happy that you and ford are (somewhat) getting along again after all these years! but I have a question, why do you look like you just got attacked by the multi-bear, and are you okay?

Bipper: Oh, what, this here?

Bipper: That’s the result of a heavy amount of nerdying delivered all at once, hehe! S’not my ink tho, don’t worry; I just broke a fountain pen by flinging it at a wall on accident. Don’t ask details, they don’t matter. Although I do think I’ll have to ask Stan about removing ink stains from clothes.

Bipper: ...had I not done that already, by the way? I remember asking him how to remove blood, and considering these clonesuits’ blood is ink you’d think I’d need that information much sooner. Huh...guess I’ve only recently started to care about keeping all of these things in top condition, I s’pose.