#aspen cries

[thornestar]

I didn’t get a lot of love growing up. Things got worse the more queer I became.

I love the way our community does found-family. I spent most of my life finding lost queers and helping them. People come and people go but I was always welcoming people into my family. Always giving what I could give. Always sharing what I know. Always sharing connections.

When I got sick everyone left. Everyone left and I am a ghost.

Turns out when you give give give give and give…people are happy to take.

They don’t come back for you when you need it.

They leave when there’s nothing left to take.

[thornestar]

.

My therapist believes in soul contracts. Basically that we’ve made an agreement to come to Earth and live the life we have. In order to learn something, I guess.

I am so strong. I’ve been through so much and yet I persist.

But there’s no way I would have agreed to live this life. I would not have chosen to go through this bullshit. No one would have.

I’m haunted by the sound of my own screams. When it happened I was frozen. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry out for help, I couldn’t get away. Later when I was back at home I couldn’t stop screaming. Couldn’t stop. I’m still screaming.

This is not a soul contract. This is a soul highjack.

[thornestar]

I don’t wanna think my thoughts today

My mind is gone and I wish it would stay

I don’t wanna be me today

I’d rather be someone okay

I don’t wanna be here today

I’d leave if I could find a way

[thornestar]

Scored a$250 tweed jacket for $20 but I still feel terrible

[thornestar]

I’d really like to stop being sad about something that hasn’t even happened yet 😑

[thornestar]

Fuck it I’m gonna roll a fat fucking joint and go ugly cry on the porch

[thornestar]

Woke up at 2am to cry for a few hours I guess fuck me

I need this to be that one in a million benign bilateral mass.

I need this to be a mistake

I need him to write that book there’s not enough time for him to write it

Bury me

Your kindness is a life raft

Your lips are like magnets

Your eyes are like Neptune

You’re perfect to connect to

Your hands are made of fire

I’m cozy sitting next to them

So hot when they touch me

I wanna hold them internally

Your brows are wild

They can be calmed, but never tamed

They beckon me into you

I touch you unrestrained

Eye to eye

Lips to lips

Heart to heart

Hips to hips

I dream of you

My waking smile is a crescent moon on a crocodile

Your head is full of puns

Your mouth is full of tongue

Your eyes are full of stars

Your lips are full of pleasure

Your lap is full of ecstasy

He fits inside me splendidly

like a slipper lost for much too long

A perfect fit he must belong

Bury me in your arms

And don’t tell me when it’s time to go

Kiss me down below

Let’s pretend you can stay

So close we collide

Until I am satisfied

And I’ll never be satisfied

[thornestar]

I want to go swimming so bad!!! I miss running in the mornings and skateboarding in the afternoons. I miss going to the gym and lifting weights to get swoll! I miss having a fucking body that works

I could get more exercise if I had regular access to a pool. My life is so unfair!