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Title: Sand in an hourglass

Pairing: RebellionLeader!KimHongjoong x Female!Reader

Summary: In a dystopian world controlled by a corrupt government, rebellion leader Hongjoong and his second-in-command, Shadow, fight side by side while secretly harbouring feelings for one another. When betrayal leads to Hongjoong's apparent death, Shadow sets out on a path of revenge…only to discover that the man she’s lost has one final secret.

Rating: 18+ (NSFW) Mature (MDNI)

Genres: friends to lovers / angst / smut / fluff / colleagues to lovers / Collab / apocalyptic au / Dystopia au / Fantasy

Warnings: main character death / Violence (gun, knife, hand to hand combat) / mentions of blood / mentions of kidnapping / mentions of holding a hostage / hinted at torture, abuse and sexual abuse of a main character / main character tortures someone / very brief mentions of experiments on children and child murder / characters being stabbed (inc main character) / using a knife to mark someone / explosions / bombs / strangulation / snapping necks / shooting someone kneecaps / vomiting / mentions of mind control /

Smut warnings: Unprotected sex / sex on furniture / making out / groping / clit play / cream pie

Word count: 9998

Banner: Me

Authors notes: This is an adrenaline fic which is part of a collaboration with writers in @lapydiaries Please see the other fics by @sanjoongie @anyamaris @potatomountain @flurrys-creativity @daemour @an-annyeoing-writer @defwoodz

“They won't get past me, Joong.” you stress, full of confidence, as you slap the back of your right hand against the palm of your left. The sound echoes in the deathly silent room and the four other faces in the room glance hesitantly in your direction.

“I’m sure it won't come to that.” Hongjoon replies, straight faced and watching you carefully from the corner of his one good eye.

If the government wants him dead, they can try but you will stop them, you have to. Besides, he's escaped their clutches many times before, he'll do it again with or without your help.

“Let's focus on the plan at hand.” He insists, looking away from you and down at the map on the table. Everyone around him sits up a little straighter, giving him their undivided attention. But you can't focus, not on this, not when you've all just found out the government has put a ‘kill on sight’ order out on him. You feel like you can't breathe, the air left your lungs as soon as he had said the words. But what set your nerves on edge was the strange calmness he exhibited, he’s never been one to panic, always cool, calm and collected in any situation but this felt different. There was an air of acceptance to it that you weren’t willing to accept, and you would fight it tooth and nail.

As you watch him relay the details of the next attempt to fight against the government regime, barely able to focus on the words being said, panic sets in. You ball your hands into fists at your side, attempting to swallow it but it remains, simmering away and concealing itself as rage. Anger you know how to deal with, it’s your go to, your M.O. but Hongjoong made you feel things you weren’t capable of managing. He made you feel a plethora of emotions you were ill equipped to handle.

You didn’t grow up in a happy, loving household, far from it, and that taught you at a young age not to rely on anyone, to always have you guard up and to play your cards close to your chest. But with Hongjoong that seemed impossible now, having become increasingly difficult over the years. He is the only person you can be yourself around and know there’s no judgement, he’s held you when you’ve cried, he’s calmed you down when you’ve been murderous but right now, you were terrified to show him how scared you truly felt. You’re the strong one, his protector, a soldier in the rebellion, you couldn’t afford to look weak with fear.

But he’s the leader of the rebellion, he needs to be strong and to fight, if he doesn’t then what’s left? Submit to the corrupt regime trying to get everyone to conform to their own sick and twisted ideals? Forming an army of super soldiers with no minds of their own to destroy anyone who steps out of line, and you’re supposed to, what…join them? The idea is laughable. Hongjoong didn’t build this rebellion because he wanted to change the law and make it better, he wanted to burn it down and write a new one, and you supported him ever since he saved you from that…that doesn’t matter. He found you and got you out and you will forever be indebted to him for that.

But that’s not the reason you’ve stayed by his side all these years.

At first, you needed to find a way to repay him, then the more time you spent with him, you found a close friend. Maybe the first real friend you’ve ever had. He taught you to do things you never thought you’d be capable of, he taught you to channel your rage and make it work for you instead of fighting against it. He gave you that power and freedom of not needing to rely on anyone else and in doing so you became your own protector. Naturally, you spent a lot of time together, honing your skills, and you got to see a side of him he never seemed to show anyone, a raw vulnerability you quickly came to love.

So, now you stay because there is nowhere else you want to be. You made the choice years ago that your entire heart belonged to him, not that he’d ever know. Always so focused on the cause, just one of the things you loved about him, but lately something about him has been off…different. There didn’t seem to be any fire in him anymore, no drive to keep pushing, that was unlike him and it terrifies you.

You want to help, you want to fix it but you have no idea how. So, you’re stuck in limbo, feeling lost and useless. At his side as usual and where you will remain but waiting for the impending doom you can feel looming in the distance. You don’t know what’s coming but something is, and when it does you will be ready for it.

*

He knows you will put yourself in the path of a bullet for him and it turns his stomach every time he thinks about it. He can barely look at you. Every time he sees your worried expression he almost confesses right then and there but he can’t. You trust him too much. You've built such a companionship over the years, he’s not sure who needs who more at this point. But it’s definitely him.

A life without you would be meaningless for him. Even thinking that seems absurd. He’s someone who’s never been in love, never had time for it. Never even known what love has felt like in any form…until he met you.

There’s no one else like you and he loves that. You’re remarkable and unforgettable, you blaze like an inferno, with a heat that sears everyone. You’re a force to be reckoned with, one he does not and would not want to control. You’re an unusual blend of chaos – your fists first, ask questions later, approach to most things isn’t the way he would choose to resolve issues, but it kept him on his toes – and home. You are the person he searches for after a hard day, the face he looks for in the crowd, the one he shares his thoughts and dreams with, the one he would love to fall asleep holding, making you feel protected for once.

The news of his head on the chopping block came as no shock to him, the regime has wanted him dead for years, but watching the fear in your eyes – something he hasn’t seen since the day he found you in that god-forsaken den.

He thinks back to that fateful day. Hearing rumours of a group of ex-government soldiers, hiding out and causing havoc, never did he imagine that he’d find you, chained up and kept prisoner. The look of fear as he approached you made his chest hurt and his stomach churn. The way you quivered with wide eyes darting from face to face, like a trapped animal, and flinched as he reached out to release your binds. He still remembers the raw hated he felt as his eyes traversed the bruises that marred your skin, some in the shape of fingers around your throat and wrists. It made him feel an anger he didn't think he could control, and what he did to those men that day was a line he'd never crossed before but he did and he doesn't regret it.

He had taken you back to the rebel base, where you had clung to him, not leaving his side. He didn't mind, he was just glad you didn't seem to be afraid of him. He knows he can look intimidating to some with his eye patch and scar peeking out from under it. But you didn't seem to mind, you never have, even when he's not wearing it, you never make him feel self conscious about his milky eye or the fact he can't see out of it.

He had led you to a room of your own, sat you down on the bed where you curled up, hugging your legs, eyes trained on the window, but he gave you some space to settle. When he returned a couple of hours later, the fresh clothes he had left on the edge of the bed were still untouched, you remained, still sitting in the same place, eyes unmoving as he entered, almost catatonic.

Your wounds needed tending to, and so he had run you a bath. He cautiously led you into the bathroom where you walked like a zombie and just stood there. He felt so helpless, he could only imagine the trauma you went through at that place and he would have given anything, even then, to have taken that away from you and erased it completely. What he wouldn't give for it to have been him to have suffered in your place.

He had said he would bring another woman in to help you, but you had caught his hand and shook your head. And for the first time you had spoken. Just one word in a raspy voice “Stay.”

You began to undress, he turned to give you some privacy in the small room but before he did, he could see the extent of your injuries and a fury rose from the depths in him again.

He had helped you in, unsteady on your feet he had to practically hold you up. But as soon as you were in the warm water he could see you relax into it. It was a relief, just to see that slight bit of peace on your face. He had sat in there with you while you soaked, you even seemed to doze off at one point before jolting awake, frantically looking around the room and clinging onto the sides of the bathtub in panic. He was at your side, holding your hand that you gripped onto so tight and stroking your matted hair to reassure you. He had washed your hair for you and combed out as many of the knots as he could but most of them had to be cut out later, giving you a shoulder length style that seemed to suit you.

He had brought their female doctor in to examine you, he had left the room for that, hoping you would open up to her about what had happened and when she had emerged the horror on her face told him everything he needed to know.

That first night you had asked him to stay and how could he refuse when you looked terrified of your own shadow.

He slept in your room the first two weeks you were at the rebellion, woke to your screams and sobs, and would hold you until you fell asleep again in his arms.

Once you had gotten used to the place and some of the people, he stopped sleeping in your room but instead moved his bedroom to the room next to yours, hoping it would help make you feel safe.

You followed him around everywhere but he didn't mind. You began talking more, asking him things. You were so curious about the work they were all doing and soon enough you wanted a part in it, but your rage became apparent very quickly. He bore the brunt of it on more than one occasion but he didn't mind, he understood. So, he showed you ways to channel it better, but when he saw what you could do, he knew you were someone special. You may not have adrenaline powers but you were closer than anyone else would get.

You spent everyday together, it became routine. He’d bring you coffee in the morning like your own personal alarm clock, but he loved seeing your tired eyes, face puffy from sleep. He'd wait while you showered and dressed and then you would begin whatever planning or tasks you had to do together and at some point over the years, you began to protect him.

Out in the field you were a force to be reckoned with and he loved to watch it, ruthless and powerful and more beautiful every time. When he had nightmares, seeing the people in the rebellion that had been lost, you'd be the one to come in and calm him, wrap your arms around him and he'd wake in the morning, with his face buried against you.

There may have been a time when you needed him but that had long passed, it's him who needs you. But with the worry of what you would do in retaliation to his death, it plagued him.

He can’t sleep at night and not with the concern of his own life ending, but at the thought of you dying trying to prevent it. Every time he closes his eyes he sees your lifeless body behind his lids, haunting him each time he looks at your beautiful face. Every flawless feature turned cold and grey, your blinding smile - gone. He can’t bear it.

Your presence as his shadow, once a comfort, now felt like a hindrance, but not for him, for you. It made you a walking target but he knew if he mentioned anything about keeping you safe, it would only fall on deaf ears. You would follow him into the shadows of hell if you could, and there was only one thing he could think of to stop that from happening.

*

His heart pounds as he listens to Mingi’s voice from the phone at his ear. A deep fury begins to rise in him, something he hasn’t been able to feel for some time, not since the images of your demise keep him in a choke hold. He hangs up without a word and shoves the phone back in his pocket before leaving his quarters as quietly as he can, as to not wake you and making a beeline to one room in particular. Even at this late hour he doesn't knock politely like he usually would but instead slips inside unnoticed.

He stalks over to the man sleeping soundly on his bunk and leans down to him. Taehyung. A man he took in, housed, clothed and fed. A man he has trusted, only to be betrayed by him all along. He watches him, breathing in and out, clearly feeling safe in his web of lies he’s spun around him. He pulls his knife out of his holster on his belt and brings it down slowly to Taehyung. The silver of the blade glints dangerously in the moonlight streaking through the gaps in the slacked blinds. Holding it to the man’s throat, just in time for his eyes to fly open in panic and a scream to get smothered by the hand clamping around his mouth. Hongjoong had a plan for him tonight, and that was to find out everything he had told those that sent him here to begin with. By any means necessary.

*

The fear in Taehyung’s eyes is obvious and if Hongjoong’s honest with himself, he would admit that he’s enjoying it. He’s never been a cruel person, never wanting to hurt people without cause, he wasn’t even keen on unnecessary violence, although he’d given into that beast on a few occasions, but in his desperation to keep you safe, he’s prepared to be ruthless.

“I have all night, Taehyung.” Hongjoong says darkly, sitting on the chair in front of the frightened man. He spreads his legs wide as he watches and waits for him to talk, flipping his pocketknife between his fingers.

“I-I’ve t-told you everything.” he stammers, blood running from his nose past his lips until it drops off his chin onto his top. The red spots seem luminous against the white of his t-shirt.

Hongjoong takes off his eye patch, revealing his eye with the scar that runs from his forehead and ends an inch or so under his right eye.

“You know,” he starts, “going blind in this eye was probably the most painful experience I've ever had.” He stands and walks around the man bound to the chair. “As they sliced through my retina,” he pauses and hisses, “I can’t describe what it was like, the burning. It felt like someone had lit my face on fire, and it would not stop.” Hongjoong pauses, crouching down in front. “Maybe I should just show you, then you’ll know what I mean.”

“N-no, no. I’ve told you everything!” he strains against the chains but to no use, they’re not budging. “I can prove it.”

This stops Hongjoong in his tracks. “Go on.”

Taehyung relaxes slightly in his seat, “I have a phone, hidden in my room, in my mattress, it’s how I contact them. You can see everything I've told them.”

Hongjoong rushes out of the room so fast he’s like a ghost floating down the halls in the middle of the night. He wastes no time flipping the mattress and slicing it open with his knife, it doesn't take him long before the little grey object falls out and clatters to the floor. He snatches it up and strides out, down to the tech room in their basement.

“Can you unlock this phone?” Hongjoong asks their tech expert, Minho.

He looks down at it, glasses perched on the end of his nose and nods. “Piece of cake.”

He takes it and connects it to his computer, thrums some keys on his keyboard and then leans back in his leather chair, pointing at the screen.

“Show me all correspondence received.” Hongjoong orders.

“There's nothing.” Minho replies.

“Are you sure?”

The man nods. “Positive. Nothing has come into this phone, no texts, no calls, nothing. There's not even any saved contacts.”

That put Hongjoong’s mind at ease a little more. “What about outgoings?”

Minho fingers thrum on the keyboard once again, “No nothing.”

Hongjoong simply stared at him. Something about this didn't feel right, what kind of mole hides a phone but doesn't use it? It didn't make any sense.

“Search for anything that may have been erased.”

Minho nods, face full of concentration as he stares up at the screen. A big smile spreads across his face, “bingo.” Before quickly disappearing into a look of shock and turning the screen around for Hongjoong to see.

“Look at the message time stamped today at 9:45.”

Hongjoong's eyes scan down to the last message. Fury blazens, burning his insides as he stalks out of the room with eyes only for Taehyung. Lying sack of shit. He didn't mention your name or a description apart from that you were a female but he did pair it with the words Hongjoong had been dreading, ‘second in command’. It may not be much but it's enough to put a target on your back. As his feet rush through the building, he relives every moment with you, wondering where he could have stopped this from happening, wondering where he went wrong. But there was something else, something more pressing, the last message carried something else in it…their location. The rebel’s base has been compromised.

*

Hongjoong drags an unconscious and bleeding Taehyung through the hallways, leaving a trail of red behind him. He pulls him to the back exit, where he had arranged to meet Mingi, and hand him over as a hostage, after all it's what Mingi does best.

“Keep him alive.” Hongjoong orders as he lets him drop onto the floor between them. The man lands with a sickening thump.

Mingi nods then laughs as he stares at the man and the message carved across his torso. “Traitor.” He reads, “couldn't think of anything more subtle, Joong?”

“Get as far away from here as quickly as you can. We've been compromised.” Hongjoong says watching Mingi lift the man over his shoulder as if he weighs no more than a backpack.

“And if I don't hear from you…?”

“I don't care, kill him, cut him loose, it won't matter.” Hongjoong says carelessly. He has bigger things to worry about right now and all of them begin and end with you.

Mingi nods, pulls a scarf over his face and begins his journey across the dunes. “Don’t die!” He calls over his shoulder, disappearing into a flurry of sand.

Hongjoong heads back inside, racing back through the building and straight to your dorm. There is something he needs to do before setting his plan in motion, and the urgency coursing through him has him pounding his fist against your door. When you pull it open, irritation and confusion marrs your sleepy face, but is soon replaced with surprise and concern when you see him.

However, it's the floral nightdress that steals his attention. He's never seen you in anything but your practical clothes, comfortable, moveable and ready to fight in combats and plain tops.

His eyes skate down the dark fabric to the lace frill around the bottom that teases at your thighs, his throat is suddenly the dessert and he swallows to try and ease it.

“Hongjoong? What's wrong? Are you ok?” you ask him through the gap in the door.

“We need to talk.”

*

Those four little words he's said have your stomach plummeting. The blood on his shirt combined with the critical look you're met with have your mind racing, considering a wild number of possibilities and none of them bringing you any kind of good news.

You open the door for him and grab your robe, pulling it tightly around you, not that it helps, you've never been in something so intimate in front of him before. He steps in, eyes traversing your outfit, probably thinking how ridiculous you look, it seems apparent when he looks quickly away. Any hope you did have that he might reciprocate your feelings die at his reaction. He stares off into the corner of your room, clearing his throat.

“There’s something I need to tell you. And the order I'm about to give is exactly that, there's no space for arguing.” He says, glancing hesitantly in your direction.

You nod, not liking where this is going at all. That feeling of dread you've sensed for weeks, it's finally happening, whatever he tells you to do you're not going to like.

“We had a mole and the base’s location has been compromised. The regime knows where we are and they are coming.”

This wasn't what you were expecting to hear. “Shit,” you mumble, hitting the side of your fist against the wall, “who was the mole?”

“Taehyung.” He says slow and controlled, you can see the rage he feels by the tic of his jaw.

“Mother fucker. I'll destroy him for this.” You say, heart pounding a fury through you you'd be more than happy to unleash.

“He's irrelevant right now. Mingi has him–”

“Mingi? Why would you trust him with this?” Your anger takes on a new direction, aimed at Hongjoong for keeping you out of this. He involves you in everything, why start excluding you now?

“It doesn't matter, Shadow!” He snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a frustrated sigh, “I just need you to listen.”

Swallowing your pride, you attempt to ease your wrath by staying silent, crossing your arms across your chest and waiting for him to continue.

“I'm going to raise the alarm and when I do, I need you to lead everyone through the tunnels to our back up location.”

That rock forming in your stomach drops. Here it is, the words you’ve been waiting for, come to life in front of you. “I won't leave you here, Hongjoong.”

He turns to you, taking a step forward, you can feel the heat radiating off him as you stare at the veins protruding in his neck. “I'm not asking, Shadow, I mean it. As my second in command it is your job.”

“My job is to protect you!” You yell, poking him in the chest as you take your own step forward, leaving only a hairs width between your bodies.

“For once, don't make this anymore difficult for me, please.”

You laugh, “Difficult for you? You're the one sending me away, how is that difficult for you?”

He stops, snapping his mouth shut, eyebrows pinched together. “I'm trying to keep you alive, Shadow.”

“Bullshit. You're just tired of fighting, you're giving up.”

Standing toe to toe, both of your chests rising and falling with each quick breath, hearts pounding in unison, he does something so out of character, it stops you in your tracks. He reaches out and tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear, an action so gentle it has your cheeks heating.

“I'm not giving up, I just have something I want to protect more than myself; more than any cause, more than anything, because if anything happens to you, I really wouldn't have anything left to fight for.” His thumb brushes across your cheek, and all you can do is stare up at him in disbelief. “I wanted to tell you in a different way, at a different time, but it's been four years and no moment ever felt like the right one.” He holds your face, eyes unwavering and flitting between yours, “and now we're out of time.” His words hang heavy in the air and tears prick at your eyes. “‘I love you’ doesn't feel quite enough to explain how I feel…” he smiles shyly, “but if something happens and I haven't at least tried, I will regret it.”

In struggling to explain his own feelings he has still managed to mirror yours, a disbelief lurks in the back of your mind but you shut it down. How could you not believe him when he's looking at you and waiting for a response with such a raw vulnerability. You hardly recognise the man in front of you.

A deep, hidden urgency arises making you act just as uncharacteristic, if you are to be separated from him then you would pour every ounce of feeling you have for him into this moment. Leaning up, you press your lips to his and he stiffens, frozen beneath your touch, it's enough to make you believe that maybe you misunderstood his words, only for a split second, before his lips start moving against yours. A heat erupts inside you, burning and making it hard to breathe. It turns into a frenzy, a clash of tongue and teeth as you move messily across the room. His hands roam down your body and when they reach the back of your thighs he lifts them out from under you. Wrapping them around his waist, your back crashes against the cold stone wall, making you gasp, as he sits you on your chest of drawers. His hands travel up to your hips, gripping the flesh while still somehow managing to be gentle. You can feel his desperation digging against the inside of your thigh, you need him, now.

“Hongjoong, please.” You beg, grappling with his belt.

*

Hearing those words fall from your lips he could just about stand upright, this all felt like some kind of fever dream. To be kissing you and touching you like this after all these years of longing…

You manage to undo his trousers and your hand reaches into his pants to free him. Just the warmth of your digits around him had him bucking up into you. You open your legs and wrap them around his, pulling him further against you, until he's pressed up against the wooden draws.

He lifts your silky nightdress and robe, bunching it around your waist, as you manoeuvre him to your entryway. He pauses, reluctantly pulling his lips away from yours, “Are you sure?”

You stare up at him with such a heated expression the phrase ‘if looks could kill’ comes to mind and he would definitely be incinerated.

“Don’t make me wait any longer, Hongjoong.” you reply, stroking your finger down the scar on his eye.

He captures your lips again, pouring his entire self into the kiss as he repositions himself at your entryway.

He can feel your arousal allowing him to slide swiftly inside you, he wants to stop and savour the moment, to watch the way you react when he bottoms out but now is not the time. You both need each other too much. Instead, he begins to move, in and out, faster and faster, loving the way you moan against his mouth.

He wishes you were naked so he could appreciate you completely. If there was more time he would worship you until the sun came up, pry his name from your lips as many times as he could, explore your naked body with his mouth, his tongue, everything.

You roll your hips joining his movements and hongjoong can't help but drag his teeth across your bottom lip.

His hand finds your rear, grabbing the supple flesh and using his grip to pull you deeper on him with every thrust.

The feel of you around him, so tight, warm and wet, it takes all his focus not to finish right there.

Your lips break from his as you lean backwards, holding the back of the drawers for support. He takes advantage of this, holding up your nightgown and watching as he slides in and out of you, a slight he could easily get lost in. He coats his thumb in your arousal and uses it to make fast circles against your clit.

The moans coming from you are like music to his ears, he would descend into madness if he could never hear them again.

“Don't stop, Hongjoong.” You gasp and hearing his name like that has his eyes rolling in his head.

Your legs clamp around him before suddenly, you're unravelling around him, squeezing him so tight he can no longer hold back, and he releases inside you. Ripples of pleasure cascade through him as he watches you ride out your high.

He buries his face in your neck, suddenly unsure what to do now. He knows what he has to do but he doesn't want to, how can he now after this?

Your hand holds the back of his neck, as you pepper kisses against the side of his head. Surely, fate is teasing him by allowing him to see what he could have had all these years if he had just been brave enough, only to take it away once he's got it.

Your lifeless body appears beneath his eyelids and that snaps him out of it. He needs to take charge and make the hard decision for everyone.

“Shadow, I need you to get dressed and lead everyone out…now.” he says looking into your eyes.

“I don't want to leave you.” You whisper, eyes desperate and pleading.

He strokes the side of your face. “I know, but it's what needs to be done.”

He slides out of you, feeling cold and incomplete, as he adjusts his trousers. He watches you rush around, throwing clothes and boots on before looking back at him again with tears brimming your eyes. He's at your side in an instant.

“I promise, I will find you, you hear me?”

You nod and a tear escapes, running slowly down your cheek. He can't bear it, so he kisses you again and holds you against him before rushing out of the room, without looking back for fear he'd change his mind completely.

*

Once you hear the bombs going off you almost turn and go back but these people need a leader in the absence of Joong. You aren't sure it should be you but you're here…for now. Ushering everyone through the tunnels, a small child falls in front of you, and you scoop her up before she gets hurt, carrying her the rest of the way.

You make it safely to the second base, and hand the girl back to her parents. Your thoughts are immediately back on Hongjoong. Only a handful of men stayed behind with him, it wasn't enough, you would have argued given the chance.

But you focus on everyone else, handing out food packs and supplies as evenly as you can, until only three men come running, covered in dirt, battered and bruised, hands on knees as they try to catch their breath. Three, just three. You wait along with everyone else for more footsteps heading this way, but the silence is thick and choking.

The man at the front lifts his head, Eden, his eyes search the crowd and when they land on you, the tormented look he gives you tells you everything you need to know. You simply shake your head, refusing to believe it even if deep down in your gut you know this is the dread you've been waiting for.

He walks over to you, limping, watching you carefully with soft, sympathetic eyes, “I'm sorry, Shadow but he's dead.”

“No.” you say quietly, taking a step away from him, aware of the panicked murmurs surrounding you.

“The bombs were coming so fast and part of the building collapsed. We tried to get to him, but we couldn't. I'm so, so sorry.”

Your throat constricts, you try to suck in air but you can't, even though you can hear your ragged breaths coming fast but your chest feels tight and suffocating. The floor seems to be swaying beneath your feet and you move unsteadily back towards the tunnels. Bile rises up before you can stop it and escapes from your mouth, retching in the entrance of the tunnel, Eden comes up behind you and hesitantly touches your back. You shrug him off, an inferno of rage brewing inside you but your disbelief outweighs that. You need to see for yourself, only then can you accept it.

“It's not safe to go back there.” Eden says behind you as you stare into the dark passageway. “The government are all over it.”

“I have to go, I have to see.” you rasp out.

“You’re the leader now, you can't leave them.”

He's right but the trouble is without hongjoong you don't care enough about anything. “You're my second, when I'm not here, you're in charge.” you say over your shoulder before you jog off into the dark.

“They'll kill you if they see you!” He calls out but you're too far gone to care.

Your legs power you forward even though they wobble with each step making you unsteady, you use the curved wall of the tunnel to keep you upright. The stone feels like it's vibrating as you rush along it, but it's actually you who's trembling uncontrollably. Eden must be wrong, he has to be.

You come to a fork in the tunnel and you split off choosing the route you know leads you outside rather than into the building. It's still dark out, you can use that to your advantage. You emerge at the back of the building and make your way around to see the front, giving it a wide birth. The air is dusty, and already feels choking as you watch the clouds of smoke roll away. Government agents are everywhere, counting them as you move into the shadows, six…seven…that you can see around the outside. You pause behind a large rock, stuck in the sand and let two of the agents pass. As soon as they're gone you're running off to another bit of stone from a demolished building and taking cover there.

The two agents sit there mumbling to each other when one of their radios start up. “Target confirmed, I repeat, target confirmed, HJ was seen in the building, over.” The voice says and your heart stills.

Oh god, they’re talking about Hongjoong. Your fingers cling onto the rock you're leaning against, hoping it will keep you upright while your legs feel like they could give way.

The agent picks up the radio and clicks the button, “Confirm target status. Do we still have a live target? Over.”

The silence seems to stretch on for an unbearably long time, you bite your fist the more the seconds tick by trying to keep from screaming, as soon as you hear the static on the radio your heart races so fast you feel like it could leap right out of your chest.

“Negative. Target is KIA, I repeat target is KIA. Over.”

The world around you falls apart, your knees giveaway and you sink down into the ground, a strangled sob escapes echoing into the quiet. You want to scream up into the sky and ask why? Why him and why now? He was a good man who wanted to help people, that’s all, he didn’t deserve what these people have done to him! A dangerous heat burns inside you, starting right at your core and growing so big it squeezes the air out of your lungs. Staring down at your trembling hands, you watch as they ball into fists, as if they don’t belong to you.

A click of a gun clocking beside you, draws your attention as you look up into the eyes of one of the agents, you watch the side of his mouth turn up in a devilish smile, so sure that he has you. Rage lights your veins, muscles straining against your fight for resolve, but that cocky smirk switches something inside you, something you try to keep buried but today, with hongjoong gone, you have no reason to do that anymore.

The agent says something to you, but you can’t hear it, the blood rushing through your ears deafens you as you snatch out and grab his gun, pulling it and him to you, using his body as a shield. When the agent on the other side starts shooting at you they enter the man pressed up against you, and you watch that smirk fade as the light in his eyes disappear too.

Pulling your knife out of its holster, you throw it at the other agent, straight into his throat, he falls making a gargled sound. You shove the dead agent off you and run over to get your knife, pulling it out of him roughly, leaving him struggling for air with blood pumping out of the hole in his neck.

Other agents begin to descend on you but you welcome it, you'll make them all pay for what they've done.

Running full pelt towards an agent, legs powering you forward like a machine, and before he even has time to raise his gun towards you, you lunge at him. Both of you fall behind another broken wall, he tries to wrestle out from under you but you quickly snake your arm around his neck. Squeezing him hard, his legs flay wildly but soon enough he goes limp. You let him slump to the ground as you unhook his gun strap from him and peek out from behind the stone. A few agents are closing in on your left, you roll across the ground hearing their shots ring out around you before crouching behind a burnt out car. You aim the gun and shoot all three of them in the knee caps and smile when they collapse in agony. Throwing the gun away – you didn't care for them, you prefer fighting up close – you glance at the concealed entrance of the tunnel you came out of and make your way in that direction. An agent cuts you off aiming at you and shoots, you dodge but slightly too late as you feel the bullet graze your shoulder. This only has the big ball of fury emblazoning in your chest. You leap on him, grabbing the sides of his head and twist hard, hearing the snap, and as he falls you roll off him. Another agent grabs your arm and pins you to his chest, holding a knife up to your throat. You stop all movement but this is not the first time you've been in this position and you know just what to do. Grabbing the arm that has the knife, you force it away from your neck and kick at his legs backwards. His shin makes a sickening crack and he screams, falling backwards. You snatch the knife away and pull out your own as another agent rushes towards you. Circling out of his grasp you stab him repeatedly in the side, until he too, ends up another body decorating the floor. You move closer to your destination, but another man cuts you off, you spin around to the back of him and slice his throat before shoving him to the ground. Another agent pops up in your view a few feet away, you watch as he pulls a pin out of a grenade and in that split second, you throw your knife. It lands right in his chest, sending him stumbling backwards before the grenade explodes in his hand, taking two more men with him.

You freeze behind the wall of the place you called your home, full of memories with you and Hongjoong.

No more movement, no footsteps rushing your way, just the screams of the men whose kneecaps you shot. The coast is clear…for now. You head over to the only three unlucky enough to be alive, enjoying the fear in their eyes as you close the distance between you. Grabbing their scruffs one by one you drag them over to the nearby posts outside of the now crumbling building you used to live in.

You spot some rope hanging off of one with a shredded government flag tied to it and feel inspired. Pulling it down, you use it to tie all three men together by the feet. Their begs and pleas fall on deaf ears as you crouch down next to one, grabbing his face roughly in yours and pulling out your knife.

“You can tell them,” you say darkly, “Hongjoong may be gone but the rebellion still lives on and we will destroy you all.”

You slice through his dark-coloured uniform, ripping a piece off at the bottom, balling it up and shoving the material in his mouth. Taking a seat on his thighs, you pin his arms with your feet and hold his face right, before taking out your knife and carving the words ‘child killer’ across his forehead. He struggles beneath you, muffled screams fill the darkness of the night. The other two beg and plead but all you do is smile. Smile for Hongjoong, for everyone they've killed in the rebellion, for all the children they've kidnapped and experimented on, for everyone they've taken and tortured, for all the women they've abused and raped. Each man gets a different message carved into him, before you string them upside down on the post and leave them for their friends to find.

As you head back, covered in blood, taking a slow walk back through the tunnels, you listen to the radio you had stolen from one of them, waiting eagerly to hear when they've been discovered.

*

A knock on the door breaks you out of your immersion from your current task, and without you saying a word Eden hesitantly enters, stopping a few feet away from you.

“Sorry to bother you, but we need to get word to San about Hongjoong and let him know our location has changed.”

The last thing you needed to be doing was telling people Hongjoong was dead, you could barely think the words let alone say them out loud.

“We could send a coded message to Wooyoung,” he suggests, “I'm sure San will go to his safe house at some point, if not, Wooyoung will know where he is.”

“Yep, fine.” You reply nonchalantly, eyes down at the paper scattered all over the floor.

“What are you doing?” Eden asks as you frantically move between maps, circling and drawing lines of possible routes.

“I’m making a plan.” You say through gritted teeth, jaw set so tight you have to refrain from pushing your pen right through the paper. You needed something to do, you could not just hide out and lay low, you'd go insane and take everyone with you. You're at a loss why you don't feel better after what had transpired last night at the base. You thought hurting them would help but it doesn't, you don't feel anything, only numb.

“For what?” He asks, you can feel him at your side, peeking over your hunched form. You must look like a crazed goblin the way you're crouched down on the floor, bent protectively over your papers, but you don't care. The only thing you care about right now is revenge.

“We're going to attack them this time.”

“Didn't you already do that?” He replies dryly. He had been impressed when you'd made it back alive, even with you returning looking like something straight out of a horror movie.

“It's not enough.” You retort, feeling the anger bubbling away inside you about to boil over.

You prepare yourself for the backlash, you had already rehearsed your argument in the shower, of how you would get your point across, but it doesn't come. Looking over your shoulder you're met with his solemn face.

“For Hongjoong?” he asks quietly and you nod.

“For Hongjoong.”

*

Diving straight into planning the attack, like an ostrich you buried your head in the sand with your grief, not willing to deal with it, not wanting to. That meant admitting Hongjoong wasn't coming back and you weren't ready to do that. Right now, you were channelling all your rage into this attack.

Standing on the edge of your old rebel base they've now taken over, it makes you sick to your stomach, this was your home for years, they have no right to take it from you. You are not foolish enough to believe you'll get it back but they will not be keeping it, that's for sure. You will hit them hard with everything you've got today and make sure people talk about this for years to come, regardless of what happens to you in the process.

The cover of darkness works in your favour as you all surround the area. You'd made sure when you told your plans to the rest of the rebellion they knew this was a volunteer mission only, no one was forced, no one was guilted. Every single person is here because they want to be, and boy, did you have some serious fighters on your side.

The plan is to fight quietly and take out as many as we can without raising the alarm, if you are honest you didn't care how long that lasted, you just wanted to make them bleed. You wanted to make them hurt.

You nod to the others that you can see and sign for them all to begin, the message gets passed along the chain as each of you move silently to a nearby target.

Your footsteps are feather light as you close the distance between you and one of them. An agent surveys the area, you sneak up behind him and wrap your arm around his throat, squeezing as hard as you can. It doesn't take long for him to give up the fight and slump in your arms. Laying him gently on the ground you move to the next one and repeat the action, it almost seems mechanical as you move within the shadows. Until suddenly there's a cry, a call for help from one of the agents. The sound pleases you, sneaking around and taking them quietly did not bring you the same satisfaction as seeing the fear and pain you inflict.

Everything happens so fast after that. It's almost as if someone switched you onto auto pilot as you ran, ducking for cover and taking agents out as fast and aggressively as you can.

Grenades explode around you and it's almost as if some higher power, Hongjoong himself in the beyond, was protecting you. The way you move, managing to evade bullets, arrows and knives, it didn't feel real.

Your soldiers utilise their strength using their powers, you could see bolts of electricity shoot out of their finger tips and send agents' bodies flying. Others held flames in their hands and blew fire around the base watching it spread viciously as the regime screams echoed through the night. The healers concealed nearby were completely focused and keeping them alive and you were attacking anyone who came at them.

You scan the area as you run around the perimeter and see Eden inside the building, three agents surrounding him. Your legs burn as you push them like you never have before, charging right at them. As you close in you jump, kicking your legs out as you fly through the air and straight into the back of the agent, sending him flying off across the room, head slamming against the wall, spraying blood everywhere. You and Eden take on one each, a mess of punches and kicks until more of the regime seems to appear from nowhere.

Pulling out your knives, you take out as many as you can, using them as shields for their own bullets when you can, but suddenly it seems like you might be losing. You glance over at Eden, being choked by one agent and kicking another, everything seems to move in slow motion. A bomb goes off outside, stealing your attention as someone hits you hard in your side, stealing the air from your lungs. You fold over, a sharp, stinging pain makes you cling to it, but when you feel wet you look down at your crimson hand. Scarlet droplets decorate the sandy ground beneath you, and for a moment you're frozen, suddenly unsure what to do. A door to your left swings open and shouts echo through the building, as more people run through, taking out agents in their path, only, they're not your soldiers.

More people here to help, who could have sent them? That was a question for later. But with your new allies you find a new fire alight inside and straightening up you charge at those nearby.

You're a deadly force as you snap necks and slams heads against walls. Spinning, you see an agent make a play for his gun but you grab his throat, lifting him off the ground before slamming him down onto it and stamping a foot over his neck.

It's only then you feel the tightness in your chest, the way you seem to have to suck in each breath and the weakness of your legs when you collapse to the ground.

Another agent spots you and makes a beeline, you try to stand but you can't, all you can do is watch as he stalks towards you, knife in hand ready. You thought you would feel fear in this moment but you don't, there's a strange sense of calmness that washes over you as you prepare to meet your end. As the agent raises the knife about to plunge it in, you close your eyes, Hongjoong's face appears behind your lids. You are ready to be with him again. But nothing happens. Your eyes snap open and you're face to face with the agent, looking into his pain and terror filled eyes as blood seeps out of his mouth and dribbles down his chin. You watch as he collapses in front you. Your vision blurs and the pressure in your chest makes the room spin as you start to fall backwards. Something catches you, arms, strong arms and as you look up, you see a hazy Hongjoong come to meet you at your end and take you to wherever people go after.

*

Something rouses you but trying to get your eyes to open feels impossible, they seem to be weighted down and stuck shut with glue. You focus back on the sound, a whisper tickling at your ear, “Open your eyes, please.” They plead with you, followed by the soft press of lips against your forehead. There's something familiar here but you can't quite reach it and the more you try the further away it seems to get.

You want to reassure the person, to let them know you can hear them but trying to form any words feels equally difficult.

“Shadow, wake up. Come on, my love.” Another whisper sounds, full of sadness and desperation. You know this voice, you know it but you can't place it. Trying to think feels like you're wading through mud, and you can feel yourself being pulled under the blanket of sleep again but you resist. An urgency to follow what's being asked of you rises up and makes you determined.

Focusing all your energy into one task, you will your eyelids to open and very slowly, they do. Bright white light blinds you making them snap shut again.

“No, no, no, baby. Keep them open.” the voice says, breath fanning out across your face.

He calls out for a doctor, the sound piercing through your skull like a sword and making you wince.

You try again, prying your eyelids apart, the light hits you but you force them to stay open, blinking rapidly, and focusing on the painted white ceiling. You stare at a thin crack in the ceiling, trying to get your eyes to follow along its line until it stops at the walls edge.

“Shadow,” a different voice sounds, a woman's voice, “Shadow can you hear me?”

A face leans over you, familiar again, her eyes flit between the two of yours.

“Shadow, if you can hear me, blink twice.”

You do as she says and she smiles, “Good, that's good. I'm just going to shine a light in your eyes, I know it won't be nice but I'll be quick, ok?”

You blink twice again and she nods happily, fishing a small flashlight out of the breast pocket of her white jacket. The light blinds you for a moment before she whisks it away again leaving you seeing spots of green decorating the ceiling.

“Can you try and talk for me?” She says back in your eye view.

Your mouth opens, lips trembling as if they haven't been used for quite sometime. You're both shocked and pleased to hear a hoarse, “yes.” in response.

“Perfect.” She beams at you, “Do you know who I am?” She asks, a slight frown pinching between her eyes.

You think about it for a moment, you do know her, everything about her brings you a familiar sense of comfort, your mind races trying to land on a name. “M-Mi-sun.” You manage to rasp out, throat so dry it's as if you swallowed a cavern of sand.

Relief smooths her face into a relaxed smile. “Good. And you know who you are?”

You give her a pointed, unamused look and she laughs. “Humour me, please.”

“Shadow.”

She nods, satisfied with that. “You gave us quite the scare.” She looks over at something next to you, her expression changing from one of relief, to worry in seconds before focusing back on you.

“We need to talk about some things that have come to light.”

Your heart starts racing as images explode behind your eyes, a machine in the room seems to sound as erratic as your pounding organ, with a high pitched beep that hurts your head.

The attack. The one you plotted and rushed into, hell bent on revenge in your grief. It all comes back to you, flooding your mind and filling it with so many emotions you can't keep up with them, tears prick at your eyes, burning as you try to keep them in. “Hongjoong.” A sob escapes as you grab fistfuls of the sheets around you, the pain ripping through you like wildfire. Your insides burn, the blood in your veins feels like lava pumping through your body, you want to scream and cry and fight–

“I'm here.” A voice beside you says and snaps you out of your misery, and stops every chaotic thought you were spiraling into. Slowly, you turn your head towards the sound and when your eyes meet his, the world around you falls away, crumbling, but you're not afraid.

“I thought death would not be as uncomfortable as this.” You whisper, throat protesting at even that.

Hongjoong smiles then, a bright, beaming smile you've never seen before. “My love, you're not dead, and neither am I.” He reaches out to cup your face, wiping away an errand tear trailing down your cheek.

Your throat swells as if he has you in a choke hold as you try to fathom his words. You can barely suck any air into your lungs, they're moving too fast, trying to catch up to your racing heart.

“But…” you rasp, “...the building…it collapsed…you were in there...”

He shakes his head, “No, it was all a lie. I'm so, so sorry Shadow.” He says, his eyes brimming with tears, eyebrows knitted together in anguish. “Atfer I found out about the kill order on me, all I could think about was you and how to protect you. I needed them to think I was dead, I needed it to seem real.” He sits on the bed beside you, holding your hand in one of his and stroking your hair with the other, “They were about to find out about you and I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't let you die. I meant what I said Shadow, I love you, more than my own life.”

Your heart stutters and then stampedes in your chest, thrumming a song meant only for him.

“And so, I sent you away to protect everyone else, and while the government thought I was dead, it gave me enough time to make a plan.”

You can’t process what he is saying in a way where it makes sense. You don't want to try and make sense of it, your brain feels like its going to explode. His words echo in your head as if they’re bouncing around a deep, dark cave.

“I knew you would be plotting to take revenge and I knew you'd be lethal, so I had Eden relay every detail of your plan, so I could time mine with yours. It worked out well, until you got hurt.”

His face falls, a solemn look marrs his handsome features and a darkness seems to seep out of him that you've never seen. “I thought I lost you.” He says quietly, his voice wavering slightly, “I couldn't–I didn't–” he takes a deep breath before continuing. “If I lost you, I would burn the world to the ground.”

He means it, you know because you were ready to do exactly the same thing.

You should be angry, you know you should, but right now, staring into his face, the face you've been longing to see again, wishing you'd done so many things differently, you're determined not to waste anymore time.

“Glad we're on the same page then.” you reply, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket and pulling him to you, pain in your stomach causes you to wince.

“Are you ok?” He asks, full of worry, breath fanning out across your face.

“Kiss me.”

His eyes drift to your lips, “Are you sure? If you're in pain…”

“I'm in pain every moment you're not kissing me, Hongjoong.”

He smiles at that, cups either side of your face and places his lips against yours in a tender but urgent kiss. You explore his mouth, relishing the sweet taste of him as he holds you firm in his grasp. There's more work to be done to try and stop the regime and you're ready to do it, feeling safe and at peace by his side where you belong.

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