I don’t know who even cares to read this because 90% of what I post is shit.
My head just really hurts right now and I can’t think. I can’t really put my fragmented thoughts into ideas and I can’t really concentrate at all. It just… sucks. I don’t know. I don’t have the willpower to do anything
this has been a shitty week.
Sunday, I got sick at my friend’s debut. I felt weak, even. It was ridiculous, and I was bummed I couldn’t go to my friend’s birthday party later that day. I spent the rest of the day trying to get better.
Monday I tried to function off of cough drops and advil and claritin. That’s probably the worst day of them, in terms of my sickness. I didn’t lift. I confessed to Sarah I had a crush on her and effectively fucked all of that up too. Hahahaha. Well what happens, happens. I don’t have time for that anyways.
Tuesday… relatively uneventful. I didn’t lift (again), but went to the car dealership to look at a new car. I told my parents which one I wanted. I got excited for that, but my mom asked me if she could take the car to church. I blatantly said no because I’m not dealing with my parents as the crappy drivers. I try my best to sleep when they do because they stress me the fuck out when they drive. I’d rather have no car than a hand me down, and they should just get an actual family car instead of taunting me. I’d settle for the acura. This happened after Fuego. Francine talked some sense into me.
Wednesday. I get to lift again. Finally. Kenny is not here. I fuck up and not study for my quiz. After school my mom called me in to talk to her about how I respected her. I went: okay fine. Yes ma’am. I vented to Kristin and she came over… she told me to chill out because she doesn’t worry like I do. Doesn’t stress like I do. She’s right, but it’s hard. while she was over…
my dad came home in the very car that I wanted.
I couldn’t believe it.
Why would they do that. I don’t want it anymore. I literally don’t. My parents can have it. My family can have it. I’ll take the damn acura because I’m not paying for that car. They got it to please me or some shit but I honestly was coerced into that. It’s not my car. My dad already changed it into what he wants. I wanted a blue one. They got a red one. It hurts me. I know I’m thinking irrationally but I--
Thursday. I take the van to school. I lift (awesome) but the acura is not mine. I decide during the school day: hey. I really want to go to grad school. I really want to become a forensic scientist. I want to do something with my life. I want to be someone
and my mom shuts me down. She discourages me from going. Why?\
“because they smell bad”
“because the smell never goes away”
“they don’t earn enough”
“that isn’t a good job”
"Tough bacteria with that job will be your life. Rotting people with your health in the front line all the time. You wont and can't remove the smell because it will alter the result.
When we have bills we will start caring for how much we can earn.
They sometimes eat in our lounge and tell real stories not like in TV. They don't smell.I gag with bad smell.
I like clean. When we smell them , we eat a little of that.”
she tells me about this guy she knows at the Texas Department of Health. Some guy she rides the bus with, how she has his email.
Who is he? What position does he hold? How important is he? Can he ensure me a job? How can he help my future? Is that career worth pursuing?
It’s empty
and she discouraged me from being happy
how did she ever help me be happy. When has —
Today. I got out of bed, got ready to leave… and then broke. I cried. again.
I punched shit. again.
my hand hurts. again.
I went and worked out, smiled… once.
got to campus, and I couldn’t focus. I just really couldn’t focus at all.
So now I’m missing class. I can’t think. I have so much work to do and so much pressure and on top of what’s happening I can’t really do any critical thinking and it sucks ass.
I have to be an adult now. Life moves on, and I have to as well. I don’t get to heal the way I like to, but that’s how this all works, right. They say be selfish but can I really be?
You can’t wake up, this is not a dream
you’re part of a machine, you are not a human being
with your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline
I haven’t eaten much today. I can literally tell you that I don’t plan on eating, but I need to. I need to get the energy so I can do the work that I have to do. I know I have work to do. I can’t focus and I’m sitting at home now, on my floor, drawing lines on my arms because I can’t bring a blade to them. If I cry again I’m gonna punch a wall until my hand breaks. I need to work on my abstract for the symposium. I have to do so many things and I just really can’t right now.
A lot of people look up to me, and have told me this, and admire how determined and smart I am and just- I don’t know. My knee jerk reaction is to deny it. Right. Everyone deals with shit. Everyone keeps going. I have to, too. The world doesn’t stop just because mine does. I have to.
I can and will until I, quite literally, fall apart.
But then again, nobody cares if I’m gone, right.
