#attention please.

[suemies-blog]

[ sms > su(e)min ] I’ll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

   ( sms > mon sori ) uhh..i am not that sure    ( sms > mon sori ) i guess it’s both at the same time, because once you can’t trust yo’ daddy anymore, it’s just - trust + daddy issues.. right ?    ( sms > mon sori ) wait. how do you even know about daddy issues 👀

[suemies-blog]

[text] : Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out”–you’re our first contestant

   ( sms > dajeong ) i don’t f****ng know how TO PLAY THIS game,    ( sms > dajeong ) ‘cause i never really chill out completely    ( sms > dajeong ) maybe you should teach me at least before letting me the 'first contestant’

[suemies-blog]

[text]: I spy something regrettable…

sue’s lips curled a tad, with a soft chuckle leaving them as she rolled on her side to face the window - and took, a long gaze over it before letting herself to type an answer back.    ( sms > jin ) oh really ?    ( sms > jin ) it must be my bad decision    ( sms > jin ) of not eating and just going to sleep.. 💤💤

[suemies-blog]

"how long has it been though?" // thank you for the follow!

          ❛ not much. ❜ the answer that came sue’s way was quite cold at first - though she didn’t really mean that. talking about parents was indeed a pretty sensitive subject for her, that with the fact that she haven’t been able to see them in a bit more than one year. but she didn’t want to show that she was sad - that not having ( them around ) nor seeing them in such a long time affected her. ( even if deep inside it did & it actually hurt her a lot. ) after a harsh and empty gulp, sue’s face brightened with a smile as it pulled at her lips, bringing her hands up to her chest as she spoke. ❛ anyway ! let’s talk about how sunny is today! or, how about that puppy over there, it’s looking cute, right ? ❜

[kanidaes-moved]

hmmm. if i had the power to weild elemental magic, what would it be?? fire, water, earth, or wind?? subtypes are accepted too, like lightning and stuff.

[my-life-literally]

Attention Please.

Not dating anyone reveals to me how starved for attention I feel sometimes. I have been reading a really great blog my a man named Bryan Reeves and he talks about how he gave up women for 30 days. And it made me very aware how I seek male attention.

So I am off the dating sites, that's right plural. I am not flirting, and I have pretty much ignored my guy friends where there is that attraction that you both know you'd do nothing about, but it's there, and it serves a part of you somewhere. But I noticed that I began to hope that guys check me out when I go to coffee shops to read. 

And I have been trying to get out more on my own to, build confidence in going out on my own. But I can't help but notice that when there is a cute boy, or a guy that looks at me I think "SCORE!" 

I also have been told that I "Look like I can be somebody." And I feel kind of sad, because right now I am not doing much in the way of seeking societal rewards, so I suppose to some who would know the truth, that does make me "nobody?" 

Anyway I guess when a boy looks at me, I know that he won't talk to me and I won't talk to him, but I pretend that he imagines that I am this "somebody," that I am bustling from one thing to another, that my life may possibly in tact, and all my proverbial ducks are, in a row. That I have so much going on, and I am so spectacular that it is only a wonder that I am single. And that my star is just shooting so far and so fast that no man can reach me, so, how could he possibly reach me? In fact it was just his lucky day to see a woman like me, and catch a glimpse of a girl who had it all together, who can inspire men to stand up taller, and still be tight with the girls. 

I want "him" to see everything that I could be, or once maybe was, but I am not. 

The truth is, I have pretty much slowed down in school, almost to a halt. I am not where I thought I would be in this stage in life. Because I never thought I would even make it to this stage. Which is alive. I don't have it together, but I am getting it together, I can for the first time feel it. But I am certainly not that girl I pretend to be in the coffee shop. And I am afraid that if anyone knows that, the illusion will be lost, for them, and well, for me too.

So today I went to get a coffee, I didn't really want a coffee, I really wanted some male attention. And there was a male there who looked at me. And I was more happy about that than I was about my $5 coffee. I don't have a job. 

So then, I was thinking of staying and just basking in his male energy and enjoying my female energy when it hit me: I often feel as if my female energy is all in vain if it is not recognized my a man. 

So I left. And I thought within myself where I really wanted to be, and what I truly craved. And I truly wanted to be in my room, by myself, listening to soft music, and being utterly absorbed in my paper. I wanted that. I. Wanted. That. I did. Me. Goddamnit.

So I am realizing that I would just like to feel feminine because I am feminine, not in contrast to a man. And that I would like to feel that I am enough. Just me. Just on my own. That I am enough for me, for the moment, for God. That I do not need eyes to see me to exist. That I do not need to talk to anyone to be heard. And that I do not have to be desired by a body to be desirable. 

I really just want to be silent within myself. I just really crave focus. To be honest, L. I think you just crave your own attention, don't you?

I have put so much energy into my hair, and nails, and room over the past few weeks. And I am just going to enjoy them all. With my self, oh, and that $5 coffee that I bought.

[cysnowsure]

i'm passin out at like 10 or 11 probably, jsyk. love me until then.