i hate having a pmos flare up it makes me feel so rubbish and i hate that no one understands it. like it does not just affect me when i have a period, its a condition that affects me ALL of the time it doesn’t just disappear when i stop bleeding. my back is in so much pain and i am so fatigued and people expect so much from me. but they don’t understand how much effort it takes to get up at times like this. and my anxiety is at a high so that’s probably not helping. but i just want to cry people expect so much from me and i don’t have the energy to do any of it.
No one asked, but I wanted to share why fanfic posts might take a little bit, and why asks in regards to polycule content, dreamscape short series, or Johnny x manager fic are greatly appreciated as a distraction.
TW for abuse, depression, weight, ed, self harm, suicidal thoughts
Honestly, I hate making posts like these because I think most people either don’t read them or roll their eyes at them because they think it’s a desperate attempt for attention. And I guess that’s not wrong. But the truth is I’m short of irl friends lately, my best friend being the only person ik irl that I still talk to and he’s rarely available because of his work schedule and the fact that I think he’s tired of me………. Which I don’t blame him for. I don’t have money for therapy, my insurance doesn’t cover it. I don’t want to invest in a private diary when my storyteller heart wants people to read my story instead. So here we are. My call for attention/cry for help.
Tbh, I’ve always been the weird girl everywhere I go, and it’s something I’ve struggled heavily with, prior to and after being diagnosed with autism and depression. Growing up, I had no friends. I went to a K-12 school with the same people who thought I was too weird to interact with, so I was never invited over for playdates, parties, sleepovers, etc…. In college, I was still the weird girl, but people didn’t seem to mind, or so I thought, until I started going through friends faster than I could make new ones, and I really never had anyone to blame but myself, because if everyone wants to leave me, then there’s only one common denominator…….. Me. I knew I was the problem— I know I’m the problem. And I always try to fix myself, but I never seem to do anything right. So I just leave. I graduated college, and I’ve got my internet friends who I keep at arm’s length out of fear of being hurt again, or unwittingly hurting them, and I have my 1-2 irls whom I still talk to. That’s it. My life’s been very lonely… Which is why I’ve always written fanfiction.
As a kid, I started writing 1 Direction fanfics, dreaming of Louis and Zayn saving me from the kids who were bullying me lol. In middle school I started writing fanfics for every piece of media I consumed, which is why I started consuming so much TV that I fell behind in school because I cared more about watching the new episode of Teen Wolf than doing my math homework. And I wondered by people thought I was weird. Throughout the years, my hyperfixations have come and gone- Harry Potter and Star Wars seem to resurface the most, and I got semi-famous in a different fandom before I had to leave due to bullying/doxxing. Now my escape is NCT. I find comfort in fandoms— In stories— because I long for a found family trope in my life, or a love so strong that I’m swept off my feet because I’ve never had friends that stick around or a partner before.
So what’s this all gotta do with why I can’t post? Well. Since graduating college, I’ve been living at home with my parents who have always been emotionally and semi-physically abusive— And it’s really not something I like to talk about or complain about because I recognize that in comparison to many other people out there who experience abuse, I’m really not even a victim, so my story shouldn’t take up the space that’s reserved for people who need genuine help. Also because I am privileged with many other things in my life, such as my family’s socioeconomic status and my own savings and income, and my ability to escape my family my traveling as much as I do. So it’s really just. Not fair for me to complain that much. But I still want to explain why this toll is weighing so heavily on me that I can’t write…. My parents got back from a two week trip visiting my brother in college- And to anyone who knows my family, they all know my brother is the favorite, there’s no secret there, it’s just the Jewish way to prefer the son over the daughter, especially when he’s into science and I went into entertainment. During their trip, I fell into a deep depression because I have no friends to hang out with irl, hardly anyone to talk to otherwise, my parents and brother wouldn’t talk to me because they were busy with each other, I realized none of my friends still technically in my circle hadn’t reached out in a long time despite my pleas for help on Discord and Instagram, and I was struggling with my weight again. I didn’t leave my house more than 4 times in those 2 weeks. I woke up, weighed myself, would curse at myself and hit my head on the wall or slap a hairband against my wrist because I was disappointed in not losing weight, skip meals throughout the day, sleep/lay down most of the day, and cry until I would fall asleep. I was so inactive and in so much pain that every time I stood, my head would spin and my eyesight would go dark. When laying down, my legs would go numb because I wasn’t standing enough for the blood flow to work. I was so so so depressed and no one that I reached out to would help. Not even my parents or brother. I actually looked forward to my parents coming home— Which is a shocker considering I usually dread them coming home because of the emotional abuse, but I needed someone around to keep me semi-sane……… Problem was, I forgot to do one chore. My parents leave me to house sit enough for them that I just know what to do now, so they don’t need to leave a list like they did when I was a kid. Clean the floors before the Roombas run on Mondays and Thursdays, take out the trash and recycle on Wednesday nights and bring the bins back in on Thursday afternoons, water my mom’s plants on Mondays, do the dishes, clean the fridge out because there were lots of moldy foods that needed to go, raise and lower the blinds every day, do the laundry- My mom needed me to switch around loads she started before she left and wanted me to make their bed for them, so I did- do the dishes, make fresh iced tea before they get home, etc etc etc. I did all of that. I was so good. Except. My mom had asked me to drop off a box at the post office, and I’d “forgotten”. I’d put it in the car with the intention of taking it, but as my depression got worse, I kept making excuses to not go to the post office, and one day I even drove there but couldn’t convince myself to get out of the car and go inside to stand in line around other people and talk to other people because I knew they would take one look at me and think I’m weird and fat and would judge me for it. It’s so stupid. I know. I should’ve just taken the damn box in. I know. But…. I just fucking didn’t.
So when my parents got home the other night, my mom said they’d spilled hand sanitizer in a bag of food they’d brought home- Thankfully the food was wrapped, but the liquid was everywhereeeeee, so I offered to clean it and help them bring their bags in, because my mom is slightly handicapped and my dad is too old to lift the luggage nowadays. I cleaned their mess, brought the luggage in, and offered to help them with anything else but they told me no… So I sat. And my mom went out to the car for something. And she saw the box. And she came back in and started yelling at me for 20 minutes while I kept apologizing over and over again, but she didn’t care. She told me to shut up and threw the box at my head. I tried to diffuse the tension by going up to my room, but my mom spent the whole night stomping around the house, screaming about how stupid and useless I am, telling my dad that I’m the worst and I do nothing for her. “I’m tired of doing everything and getting nothing in return!” were her exact words at one point as I hid under my bed with the door closed and lights off in the hopes they would forget I even existed. The next morning, I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk to my mom. However, she wanted to act like everything was normal— A usual tactic my mom and dad use. When they yell at me like that or try to hit me (like when I tried to kick a Trump supporter out of our house before I threatened to call 911 if my dad hit me) or even go as far as to hit me, they will pretend like nothing happened the next day and make me and/or my brother out as the bad ones when we don’t go along with it. Well, I wasn’t really impressed with my mom’s behavior when she’d come home, and my depression was only getting worse, so I didn’t feel like acting normal, which has seemingly pissed off my mother because for the past 2 days, she and my father have refused to look at me or talk to me.
I ran out of groceries tonight and because of my grad school application interview, I didn’t feel like making dinner, so I planned on going out with my parents……. My mom ignored me as I waited for them to be done with work so we could get dinner before I needed to do my interview. My brother suddenly called, and my parents were thrilled to talk to him for 20 min while I waited patiently, despite running out of time for dinner. When they got off the phone with my brother, they continued their work meeting (in our living room) at 6:30pm……. They spent that “meeting” bragging about how amazing my brother is, how amazing his friends are, how they’re buying all these gifts for my brother and his friends to celebrate their graduation. I don’t say the following to complain about the gifts themselves, I say it to point out the vibe of my family: When I graduated last year, my parents didn’t get anything for my friends, and they couldn’t even remember any of my friends’ names………. And again, I don’t say this to complain “omg I didn’t get a gift!” like I’m Violet from Willy Wonka, but I didn’t get a gift for graduation. Technically it was my internship in Korea, but they only paid for the flight— WHICH IM FINE WITH!!! I told them I didn’t want anything more!!! It’s just…… They brag so much about my brother and they know so much about his friends and they care so much about his life to buy all these gifts for them… They didnt show that care or interest in my life. Ever. So I got upset, and instead of waiting any longer, I resigned to making a cheese quesadilla for dinner and going to my room to prep for my interview- Which I’m not complaining about the food necessarily, I’m grateful to have food, it’s just that my parents were rude when I told them I was waiting for them and they knew I didn’t have much time. And the cherry on top is that my interview went really really well……… They haven’t asked about it. I came down and sat with them in the living room for a few minutes but then my mom got upset and stomped to her bedroom, slamming the door; and my dad rolled his eyes at me before going to join her.
All of this is small. Likely inconsequential. And I’m just some privileged brat whining on the internet…. and idk how many of you are even reading this far. Most people prob didn’t even open the “read more” part.
But all of this is to say that my underlying depression has gotten progressively worse the past month, hindering my ability to write properly, negatively impacting my ability to escape into my happy place that is NCT. Because of outward factors like my lack of human interaction, lack of friends, and my poor treatment from my family (which really goes much deeper than I expressed in this post lol cuz we didn’t even talk about my sister I went no-contact with lmao) has all made my mental health far worse. Most days I don’t eat or get out of bed. I think about ending my life a fair amount, I’m just too much of a pussy to do it because I don’t want it to be painful… But I’d prob do it and make everyone happy without the weird, useless girl around once I figure out a good way to do it.
I am writing my Johnny book, but not a lot and not to the high quality I expect of myself for posting. I can’t be bothered with smut right now. I don’t have energy for writing anything else. So until I feel better. Or until you see a goodbye message, posting is going to be a little less common……… But my escape these days are your guys’ asks. Whenever I see one come through, I get up to go to my PC or laptop to reply to you guys because it gets my brain thinking and it’s not a long term commitment like a full length fanfic. So please. Don’t be scared off while I take a break from writing for a bit. Please feel free to still send asks because they’re never, ever bothersome to me— They’re incredibly welcomed.
I wish you all the best. Much love. Please take care of yourselves. This isn’t a goodbye or anything like that, so let’s not treat it like one 💚
Honestly as someone whose done collaborative roleplay for years the quickness of Tommy coming back to life bothers me, cause it’s really kind of rude to the other people whose characters were affected by his death.
Like in a collaborative roleplay, even if people have their individual storylines that are focused on them and a few other people, they still bleed into and affect other people’s storylines.
While not everyone on the server even knew Tommy had died, those who did had storylines that were being changed and advancing because of it.
Jack was working through his grief and realizing that he hadn’t actually wanted Tommy dead, and I’m sure Niki probably had similar plans for character development, she just hadn’t gotten to it yet. (from what i’ve heard she’s been having computer problems and been unable to stream)
The Eggpire was planning to move forward with their plans since Tommy was out of the way.
Tubbo was struggling to deal with his grief and distracting himself by trying to find who set off explosives at the prison.
And then there are probably more storylines and character development that I’m not aware of or that hadn’t been set into motion yet, that had been suddenly cut off because of Tommy coming back to life so soon.
People had to abruptly change stuff because of Tommy’s sudden death that they very clearly weren’t informed would be happening ahead of time, and now they’ll have to abruptly change stuff because he’s suddenly alive again.
And while some of plotlines might be able to be continued with minor adjustments, it’s still really bad roleplay etiquette to do something that cuts off people’s storylines like this unless you’ve discussed it ahead of time.
I know it’s soon but I would really love to hear your full thoughts on Endgame!
k SO
i have v mixed feelings about the movie as a whole because like. 90% of the movie is good to really good and that’s a pretty big accomplishment considering a) the expectations put on this movie b) what they had to accomplish narratively in this movie and c) how unprecedented the scale of the movie is
like they did an unbelievable job weaving storylines and characters and even actual SCENES from 20 previous movies into this movie so it legit feels like the culmination of something a long time in the making. and even tho they’ve made 20 of these in the past, they still found ways to surprise audiences with cool and different stuff–and also surprise audiences that have been theorizing about this movie for over a year. like, the humor worked, the action worked, characters had arcs, there was a complete narrative… like. on the whole the movie worked.
…. but obviously i hated what they did with steve lmao
endgame works really hard to make u think that steve and peggy belong together, and honestly they’re pretty successful in that. like, if you only watched cap 1 and endgame (lmao??? can u imagine) it would seem like a satisfying ending for steve. but if just completely ignores winter soldier in every way???
and im not just talking about bucky stuff (tho u know i have thots on that lmao). watching steves arc from cap1 –> the avengers –> winter soldier i feel like it’s really about steve, a man who was created to fight a war, finding his place in the modern world. its about how he evolves and the mantle of captain america evolves to exist in the world we know today. and yeah, he’s lost at the beginning but i didn’t ever see him as wanting to go back in time?????
i just don’t buy that he was stILL hung up on peggy after winter soldier. like i just dont!!!!! he saw that she lived a lovely life and they were pals! buds! but like u cant watch winter soldier and tell me that he’s still in love w her lmao like all i see is fondness.
and even if he was……….. there’s no way that when he went back in time they would have a good relationship lmaooOO like he HAS to be idealizing her… they knew each other for such a short amount of time and ur telling me that steve’s never let go of his love for her??? like….the situation is just so yikes like imagine if ur peggy and this guy u did like but only knew for like. a few weeks. appeared and was like ‘i abandoned my life and traveled back in time… for YOU!!!’ like… uhhhhHHHHh.
also im mad it just assumes that she dumps souza for steve?? i love souza they did him so dirty.
and bucky……………. yeah i mean. the fact that steve and him exchanged TWO lines the WHOLE MOVIE is really. uhhhh. like obviously marvel is trying to back away from the stevebucky thing but it really just. doesnt add up if u rewatch winter soldier and civil war that they would just be so uninterested in each other like iT DOESNT ADD UP IM SORRY!!!!! and yeah steve would never abandon him like im sorry he just wouldn’t.
but even outside of bucky stuff it just leaves such a bad taste in my mouth that steve’s entire arc has apparently been leading up to him going back… like literally moving backward to where he was at the start of cap1. its just so unsatisfying and i feel like it retcons so much of the character growth we saw in winter soldier…………. as a steve stan it just really is not what i wanted to see even outside of ship stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but tbh when mjolnir flew into his hand i busted a nut so hard i thought i was gonna pass out so they gave us that at least !!!! basically when i rewatch the movie im just gonna turn it off before the last 5 minutes lololol
so i tried speaking wirh hecate last night and... i cant tell what happened? i offered her some incense and asked if i could work with her, to show me a sign of approval or denial but it didn't seem like much was happening. i thought she was calling me. was i wrong? did i do something wrong? like, i guess i don't know how to tell if i ended up being turned down somehow. how do you even tell? im honestly just really confused. if any of you can provide some insight i would much appreciate it
