#avpd!leo

[happyk44]

Was thinking about Percy being kinda jealous of Nico because he's never not doubted who he is for a second and it made me think about the others regarding their connection or disconnection with identity and sense of self.

Annabeth and Piper feel connected to their sense of self, or at least their perceptions of who they are, even if that's not necessarily how they come across to others.

Clarisse struggles with it on occasion, especially as she works to be better and do better, but for the most part it's not the biggest concern for her.

Percy and Leo have way more issues with their identities. While Leo is a lot more confident in his answer to "who am I?", his response also contains an excess of negativity. Around people versus in isolation, it shifts constantly. He either views himself in terms of usefulness to others, as is what he can or cannot provide, or conceptually, like the blueprints of a machine. He struggles to see himself as a whole person on his own, rather than parts or components of a person.

As I've said so many times before, Percy builds his sense of self around his relationships with others. This makes it difficult when situations emerge where his gut instincts conflict with that identity or if the person behaves in opposition of that belief or how he expects. Sally's son is as calm and kind as she is, but he isn't. Best friends spend tons of time together, but Grover has his own life and responsibilities. Nico is powerful and doesn't need protection. There are so many clear instructions on how to be Annabeth's boyfriend, but he can't always follow them the way he's supposed to. When he fails to follow suit, he cracks. What is he without the people he loves?

[happyk44]

Annabeth who immediately despises people whenever they point out a flaw in her work or thinking, no matter how minor or easily fixable the flaw, and will do her best to locate and point out their own flaws whenever possible in an attempt to prove she is still better and self-soothe her damaged ego versus Leo who despises himself whenever someone points out a flaw in his work or thinking because it proves his own feelings of uselessness and inferiority and so he self-isolates to avoid any future interaction that may point out his perceived worthlessness

[happyk44]

Love thinking about Piper's HPD and Leo's AVPD mesh comfortably with each other but also love thinking about how they clash painfully. Leo's need to isolate and pretend he's not real versus Piper's need for attention, to be the star of his life, especially when no one else has time for her.

[happyk44]

HPD!Piper and AVPD!Leo is funny to consider because it's like "one of us has desperately requires attention or they'll start to freak the fuck out disorder and no, it's not the boy that nobody likes because he's so loud and annoying, he's actually got terrified of rejection to a painfully pathological degree disorder"

[happyk44]

Thinking about that post I made about "would they acknowledge their PD is a thing and go to therapy about it" and, since I wrote it before I slapped Leo with AVPD, wanted to make one with him. As a reminder, my thoughts are:

Annabeth would probably go to therapy for something unrelated (depression/PTSD/whatever) but refuse to accept NPD or acknowledge that her behaviours associated with it are a problem and likely end up ditching her therapist as a result

Piper would not go to therapy or accept HPD as a suggestion from anyone because she does not see any of her behaviours as a problem and as long as she receives attention, she's fine, always forgetting quickly about all the times she's crashed or freaked out because she wasn't receiving attention

Clarisse would go to therapy specifically for her ASPD symptoms, is the only one officially diagnosed, and would actively work on it with the help of her therapist and loved ones

Percy would not go to therapy but would accept BPD as a suggestion from other people and try to work on it on his own/with help from people closest to him

So thinking about Leo and AVPD. I think he might go to therapy if forced by another person or if his problems surmounted too much for him to handle, even when isolating from other people. If AVPD was ever suggested to him as a possiblity, even outside of therapy, or just brought up, unrelated to him, by someone else, I think he'd immediately be like "I don't have that" because he perceives himself to be fun and outgoing, so he can't be avoidant of social contact. He loves social contact! But I think he's fairly introspective and so he'd notice patterns in his behaviors that align with the diagnostic criteria. Eventually he would recognize that he masks heavily to be perceived by others in direct opposition of how he feels internally.

So denial first then later acceptance. He might go to therapy sporadically for it, but ultimately tries to fix it by himself, growing frustrated because he's not a robot and he cannot rewire his own brain over night. He becomes hyperaware of his own self-destructive behaviours and grows even more agitated when watching himself engage in them. Which only feeds into his inferiority complex and self-loathing, which he knows and recognizes but is unable to really stop as it happens because, unlike Clarisse or Percy, he lacks the external support to handle it.

He can't drop the mask, no one will like him if he does (not that people like him very much with the mask), and he knows this line of thinking is part of the whole problem, but he can't do it, so he refuses to ask for help or tell anyone about it, so he never gets the external support he needs. Over time he has varying levels of success in stifling certain behaviours before they become harmful to him and others, but it doesn't always work.

Still he's distrusting of authority and doesn't like talking about his problems (like Percy) so going to therapy about it remains out of the question.

[happyk44]

Thinking about Leo realizing he does in fact have AVPD and that he just masks it very heavily and very well and he just. Hates himself for it. Like he's always been aware that the person he shows other people isn't his real self, but he didn't realize he was also hiding it from himself.

[happyk44]

Thinking about Leo w/ AVPD and Jason and the relief that Leo probably experiences with him because Jason doesn't really criticize people or think lesser of others. But also the fucking distress Leo probably experiences just standing near him because Jason is so pretty and so perfect and Leo is just this horrible annoying thing that no one likes, and standing next to Jason just worsens that.

When they're alone it's probably easier. But also Jason doesn't really ask much about him or his background. Partly because I think, for Jason, your past is not a big deal. What matters is your current actions and your current beliefs. Sure, your past guides your current behaviours, but I don't think Jason holds much value in that. Like for him it's pretty much "what does your past abuse have to do with being an asshole right now?" (That lovely lack of cognitive empathy I mentioned once 😂) He's compassionate to people's suffering but does not allow it to be the reason someone behaves poorly.

So Jason remains somewhat ignorant of Leo's background because he prioritizes the present. Leo's past doesn't really matter. What matters is Leo now. If Leo wants to talk about his past or make casual anectdotes to his past, then cool! Jason will engage. But otherwise it's not really on his mind.

And it's a little bit relieving to Leo because he can relax and not have to put on the class clown persona that hides all that he truly is. But also it's disappointing because why doesn't Jason ask? Is he not interested in Leo? Does he not like him? Is he only hanging around out of pity? Just a vicious downward cycle of questioning that makes him even more angsty and self-loathing.

I think whenever Leo gets into his head about it that way, he self-isolates intensely and blows Jason off. And Jason is respectful of people's needs and space so even though it hurts, he hangs back until Leo's good again. And that always takes a while because Jason's reluctance to engage Leo when he's self-isolating only serves to confirm Leo's fears. So it takes a little bit of time before Leo starts to engage with Jason normally again.

[happyk44]

leo's avpd making him think piper specifically deviates the conversation back to her because she secretly doesn't like him and is only his friend out of pity and nothing about him is worth listening to or caring about, and being unable to see that she does it with pretty much everyone, not just him

meanwhile piper's hpd eats up his attention and she gets so so stressed out whenever he gets "busy" and stops talking to her because she cannot see the real reason behind him suddenly being busy is her inability to fully acknowledge him as a person instead of an audience and all she notices is the lack of attention and it hurts so much

what a lovely cycle of angst 💙 her need to be the focus makes him worse, and when he's worse, he isolates from people, which makes her desperate because he's pretty much where she derives most, if not all, of her positive attention from, so she seeks him out, sweet and pleasant and needy, and he feels reassured and wanted and comes back, only for it to start all over again, yay!