The Bachelor Week Five And a Half aka On Wednesdays Mykenna Wears Pink
Here’s What Happened Wednesday
Peter aspires to his furthest feat of self-sabotage yet, watching his options dwindle and his contractual marriage proposal approach.
He gets to show off his Spanish, though, so at least he’s a bilingual shell of a former man.
Peter and Hannah Anna take on Santiago, invading the personal space of several street performers and eating authentic Chilean street hotdogs. Hannah Anna reveals to Peter that she’s never been in love before, which is actually pretty typical for her type. She also doesn’t experience empathy or compassion and likely grew up skinning neighborhood cats. At least she’s pretty.
When Peter has a crisis of conscience at dinner, Hannah Anna turns on the waterworks and tells Peter she’s starting to fall in love with him. They kiss outside on the terrace, her eyes open the whole time.
Hannah Anna gets the rose.
For their Chilean group date, Peter and his harem are cast in a telenovela. Mouth-to-mouth time is prioritized over plot in this telenovela, as is availability of costumes prioritized over consistent degree of sexiness. With cameras rolling, Peter (Pedro) systematically frenches Kelsey the bombshell, Tammy the scorned lover, Sydney the Blink-182 nurse, Mykenna the hot sad maid, and Kelley his grandmother.
Later, at Booze Date, Peter finds himself admitting to Victoria P that he’s not quite as interested in her as he had been in the beginning of the season when his standards were higher. Sensing the imminent humiliation of a Rose Ceremony cut, Victoria P self-eliminates and denies the urge to knee Peter in the testicles as she climbs into the go-home car.
Elsewhere, Mykenna screams as Tammy that she is mature enough for a long-term commitment while dressed in Barbie’s Dream Jumpsuit.
The Chilean countryside is the ideal location for Peter and Victoria F’s deeply spicy date of limboing under horses and waving tissues around in a bull-fighting ring. In the afternoon, they play out their Oregon Trail fantasies of sitting in the back of an old-timey wagon and discussing everything except how painful it is to be in each other’s presence.
At dinner, Peter and Victoria F. actually do discuss how painful it is to be in each other’s presence. Victoria F. is clearly struggling to devise a way to remain on the show (thus accruing social media prowess, downstream sponsorships, and a clinched spot on Paradise) while continuing to pretend that she is anything but sexually nauseated by Peter.
Peter senses this conflict but opts against compassionate release. Victoria F. gets the rose and time added to her sentence.
Peter, already executing the weakest season of The Bachelor thus far, also manages to achieve the weakest two-on-one of all time. There is no helicopter ride to an intimidatingly remote location. Peter doesn’t leave someone on a canopied bed in the middle of a desert. This two-on-one is just Peter taking Mykenna and Tammy into a separate room during the Cocktail Party to yell at them for sucking.
Peter deems Tammy the more annoying of the two and sends her home, but he allows Mykenna to briefly exit the frying pan and return to the fire.
The women descend into the spookily-lit dungeon wine cellar of the Santiago Renaissance to await their fates. As a Marriott loyalist, I can confirm that all Renaissance properties have dramatic dungeons reserved specifically for cult ceremonies, and Santiago’s is no exception.
Peter wastes no time. Roses are dispensed to our final six, excluding hot, dumb Sydney and recently-spared Mykenna. Mykenna gives one last triumph speech of self-affirmation, declaring through tears, “This girl is tough! She is strong! She is powerful! She is muscular. She has excellent bone density and eight years ‘til 30. And she has at least three more pink dresses she wanted to show off, but she will save them for a more deserving lover.”
