Feb 5, 2020
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Week 2 Recap: The Three Ds
Is it just me or does it always seems like The Bachelorette gets a shitty draw of contestants? Each year there are at most 3 guys I would take home to meet my parents, maybe one worth actually marrying, and the rest are all that terrible guy you see on TV and hope you never meet in real life. They only care about themselves and what makes them look good or what will get them the most screen time. This season, with its new colors and Blachelorette, is no different. At most we’ve added an extra amount of swagger, but with that swagger comes an added level of douchebaggery that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
D is for Doggo
This episode highlighted 3 of the worst people we’ve met since Chad, and one precious angel who is too pure to be around any of this mess. That’s right, I’m talking about Copper. That precious baby with the broken toe who stole Bachelor Nation’s heart. Not only did he get his own limo entrance, but he also went on the first and best 1-on-1 date of the season, accompanying Rachel and Peter to a DOG PARTY. I can’t say I paid much attention to Rachel and Peter, as I was focused solely on Copper and all the ways I could pet him and be his best friend.
The only thing I took away from the 1-on-1 date was that Peter and Rachel bonded over the gap in their teeth, and that Rachel doesn’t seem to mind that Peter is dead in the eyes. Something’s off about him, but it looks like he’ll stick around for awhile so I’ll come back to him when the meat isn’t as fresh.
D is for Douchebags
The first group date of the season is very on-brand for the Bachelorette: a low key picnic with ... an obstacle course and celebrity sighting. The picnic is set up in what I assume to be a vacant lot three spaces down from the Bachelor mansion, where everyone takes turns grilling and playing touch football. Right off the bat it’s hard not to focus on the douche of the century, Whaboom. Everything he does is for attention. He pushes other guys around so he can be the “first” to say hi to Rachel, he obnoxiously dances around the football, shouts constantly, and even picks Rachel up at one point and spins her around like a Disney Princess. It’s not hard to see that Lucas is, in the words of Blake: garbage. The other guys question his personality traits and whether he’s here for the right reasons simply because he is TERRIBLE. He’s not even trying to fight with anyone, he’s just being himself, which is absolute garbage. Fun fact: My friend was in the same frat as Whaboom at Berkley and said that he is, hands down, the absolute worst person he has ever met in his life—next to his twin brother. That’s right, there are two of these assholes.
He also told me that Lucas was constantly trying to be the center of attention and was always making loud obnoxious jokes or trying to steal the stage but NO ONE thought he was funny. Some quick sleuthing on the interwebs brought me to his IMDB page, which honestly says it all. I mean, a 2012 Spanish dating show? God what a fucking loser. But his “rival” Blake is no better, and we need to unpack both of these shitty bags of garbage to really get down to their trash core. In a voice-over, Blake mentions that he knows Whaboom and is the only person that can “ruin this” for him. Well first of all, Whaboom doesn’t need anyone’s help ruining anything. Second, Blake knows the true garbage nature of Whaboom because they were both on a trashy reality TV dating show hosted by Carmen Electra. Yep, that’s right. Garbage, meet Garbage. Oh, you already met on the Ex-Isle? Perfect. Let’s skip the pleasantries, and the entire obstacle course while we’re at it. That way we can also skip over Blake whining the entire time that Lucas is cheating and not following directions, and Lucas winning then attempting to get Ashton Kutcher to yell “whaboom.” To literally everyone’s relief, Ashton politely passes on the offer, as he should have with My Boss’s Daughter / Just Married / Killers / basically all movies he’s ever done.
No really, name a good Ashton Kutcher movie. You can’t, because there are none. Anyway, since Whaboom won the competition he got the first 1-on-1 time with Rachel. Blake takes this opportunity to let everyone know that, to the extent they hadn’t figured it out yet, Whaboom is a douchebag. Blake, it is the first fucking week. Chill the fuck out man. When Lucas gets back to the perfectly stirred pot, he’s confronted with the question of our generation: how do you identify yourself? The correct answer, of course, was garbage, but we would have also accepted trash. Speaking of trash, Blake continues his crusade against Whaboom by informing Rachel that, to the extent she is both blind and deaf, Lucas is just a clown here for TV exposure. Like any guy NOT trying to get TV exposure, Blake then goes and tells Lucas that he just spent his time with Rachel letting her know that Whaboom is wearing makeup and is here for the wrong reasons.
At this point it’s pretty clear that Blake is also here for the wrong reasons and obsessed with Lucas, who may or may not be totally wasted. It’s hard to tell, because he’s just that terrible. In the end, Whaboom walks away the winner of this confrontation after he tells Blake he’s going to do “him” and that Blake is “dismissed.” Point, Garbage. I can’t really tell you what else happened on this date due to the overpowering stench of Garbage, but everyone else was so boring that the 20-year-old Ricky Fowler look alike, Dean, got the group date rose. Good for you, Dean.
D is for Drama
The second group date the guys get a considerably better draw with a game of pick up basketball monitored by Kareem Abdul Jabar. DeMario is the focus of this date, which I wanted to attribute to his charisma fuckboi charm and casual ability to dunk a basketball. But something doesn’t feel right about this spotlight and even though deep down I know why, I think and hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s not him. It’s like when you’re watching a Law & Order SVU episode and it’s definitely the dad, but it feels way too obvious to actually be the dad, so instead you convince yourself its the neighbor but like, it was always the dad. It was always DeMario. Always. You don’t get this kind of attention in a group date when there are previews of a scorned lover confronting her man unless it’s your scorned lover. Enter Lexi, the girl who DeMario was allegedly fucking days before he went on ATFR and met Rachel. Before she even opened her mouth I could tell from her eyebrows that this girl was trash and was ready to shamelessly take down the Big D. The build up to this drama is great. After being summoned by Rachel, DeMario is convinced he’s getting the rose and walks gleefully back into the gym talking about what he learned playing the game until he saw cash me ousside girl waiting for him.
DeMario’s face quickly goes from happy to freaked out to “confused.” He immediately launches into fuckboi defensive mode and makes a series of moves that only digs him deeper into the pit of despair.
Move 1: Pretend like you have no idea who this girl is and that you’ve never seen her before. Obviously this is NOT the right way to go, but you have to give him partial credit if only because I would also deny knowing (let alone fucking) someone that trashy. This obviously doesn’t work as she’s tracked him down, so it’s on to the next move.
Move 2: This girl is fucking crazy, and we met “many many times ago.” Um, what? Thankfully Rachel is smarter than to buy into the “she’s crazy” excuse that’s constantly applied to women by the patriarchy. Instead, she asks for clarification on what “many times ago” means, and at this point the Big D starts to sweat.
Move 3: Claim that this is personal stuff that we should handle off-camera. This was an obvious misstep that sent Lexi into a rage about unanswered text messages and fucking her 2 days before he went on ATFR. Rachel keeps it classy, however, pointing out that this is also her personal life so DeMario really needs to explain himself.
Move 4: Admit he dated her, but claim that he broke up with her because she was “too much” to handle, circling back to the old “she’s crazy” thesis. DeMario tries to suggest that he broke up with Lexi face to face, but then Lexi starts shouting about how he still has her keys...
Move 5: Keys? What keys? I don’t have your keys..... Oh, wait. I actually mailed them back to you. As if this mother fucker has ever been to the post office. At this point DeMario has to know that he’s totally fucked and should probably just leave before he says anything else. But he doesn’t. Instead, he continues trying to downplay what Lexi is saying until finally Rachel tells him he’s not making any sense and she just wants to know when was the last time he saw Lexi.
Check: Lexi stops swearing on her kittens’ lives long enough to offer up the receipts to prove not just her side of the story, but the exact date and time when Demario was last in and out of her...apartment. Before Rachel accepts any documents into evidence, she gives DeMario one last chance to say literally anything that isn’t a lie and asks if the dates on Lexi’s phone will match his story or hers....
Move 6: It depends on the dates...
Checkmate: Finally at the end of her rope, Rachel takes Lexi’s phone (which I imagine smells like cigarettes) and reads the standard fuckboi texts we all knew DeMario sent. Rachel calmly informs DeMario that she is not here to be played or to be made a joke of, so he can get the fuck out.
In the aftermath of the DeMario drama everyone starts whispering about how DeMario was obviously not there for the right reasons when, in reality, they are all there for the same reason: fame. DeMario was just sloppier about it. The remaining guys on the date all use this as an opportunity to let Rachel know they’re there “for her” and will “protect her” from this kind of behavior. Josiah flexes his protection muscles the most with his... creepy side eye stare and ends up getting the group date rose. We don’t get too far into the cocktail party before the ghost of DeMario comes knocking at the gates of The Bachelor mansion to prove once and for all that D is for determination dumbass.
Did you notice . . .
Ashton knew when he “first saw” Mila that they would get married ... after he married Demi Moore and played dad for a few years, of course.
“This is not a show. When I want to turn it on, I turn it off. When I want to turn it off, I turn it off.” - ummm that’s a show, Lucas.
Curious that Lucas and Blake hate each other so much yet look like pals in this picture from 2016....(also, the hastags...)
“I check my mailbox every day.” - Lexi, lol.
OF COURSE her name is Lexi with an I.
I could do without Alex’s singing, especially as it’s likely a trigger for the Russian Manchurian Candidate, Jared Kushner.
Minority Report: The most embarrassing part of the whole DeMario saga is that before the Bachelorette he was dating white trash like Lexi.
First Solo Date of the Season
Activity: His parents’ vow renewal 😱
Finale Recap: Oh...Canada...
I can’t say I was all that excited for this finale. Part of this may be due to my 3 week absence, but I think most of it is due to Nick’s limp dick, tears, and inability to think of anyone but himself. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Hey! Nick doesn’t have a limp dick! Raven said he’s “good at what he does.” But don’t let that gross and overstaged post-coitus montage fool you: no man who dresses like this can give a woman an orgasm.
It quickly became apparent that I wasn’t the only one struggling to get hype for Nick’s finale. For example, Chris Harrison spent an equal amount of time mentioning Rachel and the “historic moment” later to come on ATFR as he did Nick’s “desperate search for love.” When Harrison asked the audience who Nick would end up with, the option of “no one” got the biggest round of applause. But why? Well, first of all, both of these women can do and deserve much better than a whiny man-child with no job. Additionally, even though it’s really gross because it happens so often, people enjoy watching Nick cry. Except his parents....
They are equally as desperate for him to find someone, or just join Match.com, and Bella just wants to go back to middle school. Unfortunately for all parties involved--including Bachelor Nation--Nick signed a contract and has to drag this thing out until the very end (or until we get so bored that they just start the next season of The Bachelorette during the finale).
Family Time
To ease his emotionally exhausted parents into the last week of Nick’s journey, the producers have the “safe/easy choice” come in to meet them first. In addition to Raven having already kind of met Nick’s parents at Bella’ soccer game, she’s the girl who would blindly and willingly accept a proposal from a man wearing a Livestrong band, no matter how embarrassing his lisp was. She’s meant to reassure his parents that at least one girl is interested in being their son’s wife. Raven is as charming as we expected, and the editors did a great job of reinforcing the overarching theme of Raven being the “no brainer” choice. Nick’s mom is still guarded, however, explaining that she has a certain emptiness in her heart (aka shame) due to all the devastation Nick has suffered at the hands of ABC. Nick’s dad, a sleepy garden gnome, seems more optimistic because Nick (unlike his dad) is finally in control “so maybe he won’t get slapped down.”
*Enter Vanessa* Per the editing, Vanessa comes in HOT, telling his mom that she’s not 100% sure she wants to get engaged to Nick and making his dad cry. His parents are understandably incredibly concerned that Vanessa is the same type of girl he always goes for (a brunette alpha), and seeing as it’s never EVER worked out before, this is probably going to end in heartache once again. Seeing as Nick, much like his dad, is clearly a beta, I don’t think his pairing with an alpha female is necessarily a bad thing. His parents make it work--hell, even my parents make it work (sorry mom, but everyone knows you’re the boss, not Ralph). The problem with Nick, however, is that he weaseled his way onto a franchise that consistently recruits women who are just flat out out of his league. He’s not good-looking enough, he has no job, he’s SO insecure, he can’t stop crying, he has a lisp, he wears turtlenecks...you get the point. So it makes sense for his parents to be worried that whatever hot alpha female he chooses is probably not going to stay with him...because she won’t.
Last Dates
Nick’s final date with Vanessa is wack AF. First of all, the last person I want to meet while on a date with my potential future fiance is Finland Santa Claus. Not only that, but I certainly would NOT be interested in hanging out with this man in a small candle-lit shack. Mall Santas in the US already depress me because they’re just lonely fat men. But “real” Santa speaking Finnish and living in a shack with no electricity is some next-level shit. Hard. Pass. After escaping Santa’s rape shack, Nick and Vanessa spend the remainder of the date crying into each others arms. Vanessa wants some reassurance from Nick, but he won’t give it to her because that’s not how this show works. Vanessa’s hesitance is understandable, but also this is a fucking fantasy. Do your homework and watch a full season so you know what you’re doing before you come on and make demands of a man with no dick.
Sticking with the theme of “light and easy,” Raven’s date consists of yet another opportunity for Nick to show of his skating abilities without much substance. Nothing serious is discussed and there’s not much of a takeaway other than “Raven will say yes.” I personally would have preferred more on-camera time for the puppies in lieu of their fireside chat. While the absence of any serious conversation is meant to suggest things are easy with Raven, to me it comes off more as both parties knowing they aren’t going to end up with one another. If you’re supposed to be getting engaged THE NEXT DAY, wouldn’t you want to talk about where you’re going to live, your friends and family, and all that important life shit that exists outside this fantasy world? Obviously the answer is yes, which is why it seems clear to me that they’re just going through the motions at this point. Then again, aren’t we all?
The Proposal
By the time Neil Lane makes his standard cameo I’m barely paying attention. Nick looks at some gaudy rings that you would only accept if you were getting it for free, eventually picking the biggest one because who cares, he’s not paying for it. There’s something very gross and fake about a man picking out an engagement ring on the day he actually proposes. Then again, he also picked his fiance on the day he proposed. To no one’s surprise, Raven is the first out of the limo and the one to get dumped. But not before Nick let’s her give one last speech about how she loves him and is ready to be his pretend wife. Nick shockingly starts to cry as he gives the standard “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” breakup line. I don’t buy that Raven’s stoic face was due to shock, as she claimed on ATFR. If you’re Raven you’re thinking “phew, I made it to the top 2 and got to travel around the world, I’ll be on Paradise, and MOST IMPORTANTLY...I’m not stuck being engaged to Nick Viall.”
She’s the real winner in this story. And if the lack of gaudy ring on her finger doesn’t prove it, her response of “I know you will” to Nick’s pathetic claim that he’ll miss her seals the deal. Even though she walked away the winner, she still deserved a coat to wear back to the limo. Even though the show tried really hard to make it seem like Vanessa may not accept his proposal and make this whole episode more dramatic than it really was, I don’t think anyone was convinced. As soon as Vanessa walked into the room Nick broke down and launched into a speech about how he had been falling in love with her since the beginning but was scared she didn’t feel the same (despite her repeatedly telling him she did). For all the huffing and puffing Vanessa had done about not necessarily wanting to get engaged, she immediately said yes to Nick’s proposal, disappointing everyone but Nick’s parents. Hooray for “love.”
After the Final Rose
Okay first of all, I have a very hard time understanding why anyone would want to dress up and go to a 3+ hour live watch party of the Bachelor. Some of those women were decked out. Like, watch with your friends in sweatpants? Anyway, the best part of the ATFR was how fucking incredible Raven looked. She had that glow of someone who dodged a Nick Viall bullet and I couldn’t be happier for her and all the kissing/fingering she’s going to do on Paradise this summer. The second best part of ATFR was how MISERABLE Vanessa looked.
That is NOT the face of a woman excited to be engaged. In fact, it’s not even clear if Vanessa knows what it means to be engaged. When Chris Harrison asked if they were going to get married, Vanessa said “we’re taking baby steps.” Ummmm there’s no such thing as “baby steps” on The Bachelor. Also, what do you call the last few months? If anything, that response just confirms that there is no way she is going to marry this walking box of kleenex. And if that answer didn’t convince you, then surely the words used to describe their relationship such as “struggles” and “ never easy” and “I’m a realist” underscores that this “relationship” will last just as long as Nick will on DWTS. The entire interview is so uncomfortable and so clearly filled with tension that ABC had already planned in advance to use the last third of the program to focus on the first ever Blachelorette. Rachel, sporting a new expensive set of extensions, is brought out and *surprised* by being given the opportunity to meet a few of the guys from her season. This “historic” moment that Chris Harrison kept chirping about all night was almost as uncomfortable as Vanessa and Nick’s interview. All in all, the entire finale fell flatter than Nick’s limp dick because no matter how hard he or ABC tries, it’s nearly impossible to find someone willing to marry this manboy.
Week 7: Cry Me A River. Build Me A Bridge.
This week’s episode picks up the morning after Nick’s breakdown in the girls’ house, where he wept on the arm of a couch and told the girls he might be too fragile to continue. Even after a night of rest on the beautiful island of St. Thomas, the girls are still pretty shocked and a little nauseated by Nick’s tearful outburst the night before. Even Chris Harrison heard he had a pretty gross breakdown rough night, as evidenced by his check-in session on the beach with Nick. Like any good friend, he lets Nick fall back into his loop of misery and complain that this might not be the best place to meet someone who is actually interested in being with him. But Chris Harrison doesn’t have much sympathy.
After a few more tears, he gives Nick two options: walk away right now and die alone, or go back in there and finish this show like you promised you would, and then die alone. Seeing as he is contractually obligated to finish the show, Nick chooses the path of love and heads back to the girls’ house to apologize for being so disgusting the night before. As he struggles not to cry, he explains that even though he’s insecure, he’s scared, he’s miserable, he’s broke, he’s losing hope, he’s letting his lisp slide, he ultimately feels more for the remaining women than he ever did for ditzy D-Lo, and to prove it he’s cancelling the rose ceremony and everyone is heading to Bimini.
Easy as 1, 2, 3.
In desperate need of sunglasses, Nick’s livestrong band and Vanessa squint into each others’ eyes as they discuss their shared question of whether Nick would come on this show and force himself to fall in love with someone (because that’s how this works), or if he was going to be a real genuine boy. Nick reassures Vanessa that he doesn’t need to force anything with her, stammering that “I know so much about you I feel like I know you without knowing the details I still don't know.” Woah. Deep. After that wall-breaking conversation of just knowing what you know when you know even though you don’t know, they splash around in the ocean and then Vanessa falls in love with Nick the moment they start making out underwater. At this point, she’s pretty sure they’re on the same page and can’t wait for the night portion of the date to let Nick know how she feels. Nick opens up the dialogue with “so, hometowns are next week...” Magical. Vanessa takes this opportunity to launch into her well-rehearsed speech about how *easy* it is to be with Nick, which is what she’s been looking for. He’s not challenging, he doesn’t make her think, and she loves that about him. So she lets him know she’s falling in love with him, and after a not-so-passionate kiss, Nick really drops the ball. He gives a long-winded explanation of how hes said “I love you” before on this show and even though he’s totally not ashamed of that, if he’s going to do it again it needs to be different and he definitely can’t say it right now. Vanessa, who looks pissed and embarrassed, doesn’t have much to say back.
Yikes.
Swimming with Sharks
If you remember a few weeks ago, Kristina was the only girl that really got under Corinne’s skin by telling her that her fake anxiety attacks and napping were very uncool. This nugget gives an entertaining twist to the otherwise boring tension between Corinne and Kristina, caused mostly by Corinne’s desperate need for attention and reassurance, and partly by Kristina’s I-grew-up-in-fucking-Russia fervor. Nick buys into the games like any dumb boy would, rubbing Kristina down in suntan lotion and reassuring Corinne that she won’t be eaten by sharks unless she’s on her period because sharks can smell the blood. Meanwhile, Raven stays above the fray and off to the side, unphased by the petty games and ready to punch a shark in the face, which comes as no surprise considering she drove across state lines to beat her cheating boyfriend over the head with a shoe. Ultimately, Kristina wins the date by getting too scared by the sharks and needing to get on the boat and cry. Later that night Nick pays her back by pulling Kristina away first to…cry. Again. Can you imagine escaping from fucking Russia and then dating a 36-year-old man who cannot stop crying because he’s terrified of looking dumb on TV (despite having signed up, 4 times, to go on TV and look dumb).
After weeping with Kristina, Nick kicks off his 1-on-1 time with Raven with the age old “so, hometowns are next week...” It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Not that he ever was? Raven talk about her parents who are still together because that is apparently now something to brag about on this show? Getting a little deeper, Raven reveals she quit law school because her dad got lung cancer, but now that he’s in remission she can make him proud by going back to school on the Bachelor. After 2-3 bottles of chardonnay, Corinne finally gets her 1-on-1 time with Nick and she’s just drunk enough to be obnoxious and whiny and willing to do whatever it takes. Nick reassures her that she’s clearly doing something right as she’s still around despite being the least realistic choice for a wife on the show.
Goodbye, Girl Next Door
Back when Nick was forcing connections and willing to play The Bachelor Game, he and Danielle hit it off because she was the sleepy girl next door from Wisconsin and it all made sense. Now that reality has set in, however, it’s pretty clear that Danielle’s lack of personality just isn’t going to cut it. Besides, she always looks like she’s moments away from that green ambien butterfly landing on her nose and taking her into a deep and dreamless sleep, which is strangely not appealing to Nick. It’s easy to see this breakup coming from a mile away after Nick says things like “have you learned at all about some of the history on the island?” and his favorite “so, hometowns are next week...” But somehow Danielle thinks this is all going really well. Later that night, the awkwardness continues in what feels more like an SNL skit than anything else:
Danielle: I really liked being playful today. Riding bikes. Just being the two of us, and the production crew. It was great
Nick: You’re fun to have fun with.
Because he’s an asshole, Nick lets Danielle open up about feeling something *real* for him even though she’s scared because “the last time I was in love with someone, they died…..” Yikes. Nick breaks up with her by saying that he doesn’t long for her and doesn’t really think about her at all.
Not So Platinum Vagine
Corinne is fed up with not getting enough attention from Nick, and wants to prove that she would, in fact, live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. When she wants something, she gets it. She’s not a runner up and will not be outshined.
So she decides to break the rules and pop over to Nick’s room to let him know she’s here for fame him. Nick, being the gentleman that he is, invites her in for a nightcap which shockingly leads to them making out and then casually going into Nick’s bedroom and closing the door, sans cameras. Behind closed doors, Corinne instructs Nick to “keep two hands all at all times. Never jiggle. Lightly massage.” If she’s not talking about her boobs, then I have to admit I have no idea what kind of heavy petting they’re doing. After some rustling and smooching (as described by my closed captioning), Nick “remembers” that the last time someone fucked before the fantasy suite dates it didn’t go over too well, so he tells her she’s *amazing* but it’s time to go. Corinne is forced to take a walk of shame and punishes herself by avoiding the automatic doors, choosing instead of waddle out the manual door in her 6 inch Louboutins.
The Next Blachelorette
I would say that hindsight is 20/20 and the editing and setup of Rachel’s story seems so obvious, BUT, I called this Episode 1 (along with many others), so I’m not surprised when Nick takes her to hang out with the locals and tells the camera “she’s an incredibly beautiful woman who is incredibly smart and charismatic.” This is true, but coming from Nick it doesn’t sound genuine at all. And here’s my theory on why (besides all the obvious stuff like Nick sucks, has no personality, etc.): Rachel was specifically approached and put on this show in order for ABC to finally get their first black Bachelorette. No, this isn’t me being racist, but here are the #facts:
She’s a real lawyer who has been practicing for 5+ years (unlike Andi who literally had a job for 2 months before leaving to film), and actually has something to lose (like the respect of every lawyer ever).
Her dad is a federal fucking judge.
I’ve heard from people who went to law school with her that she is super nice and isn’t the type to seek fame (although obviously a part of her is otherwise she’d have turned this down).
Nick has always been looking ahead with Rachel and saying things that make it seem like he knows she’s going to stick around to at least home towns. He’s brought up her dad more than Corinne brought up Raquel.
She got the first impression rose (I know this isn’t dispositive, but still)
Nick has been on this show 100x and is close with the producers.
A black girl has never made it past week 5 before, and this year there were 3. In fact, there were more women of color on this show than any season in the past.
Now this isn’t to say that none of this has been real (it hasn’t), but it’s not too far-fetched to believe that Rachel was approached by producers and promised that if she came on the show and dealt with this bullshit, she would make it far enough and get enough screen time to rally Bachelor Nation behind her as the first ever Blachelorette. And seeing as Nick has proven himself to be a puppet time and time again, it’s very easy to imagine a conversation with Nick wherein the producers told him to keep Rachel around and actually try to have meaningful conversations with her and then he would be able to say he’s the guy who kept a black girl around long enough to be the Bachelor. And Rachel made it easy because she seems so cool and nice and normal that Nick was probably happy to keep her around and make himself look legitimate. Now I’m not saying that Nick doesn’t actually like her, it actually makes a lot of sense for him to pick her in the end. She has a stable job that pays good money, he is broke, and she is an incredibly respectful choice. But he and I both know that there’s no way in HELL that Rachel would actually want to get engaged and marry Nick Viall. No one wants to do that, especially no one with a brain.
Cutting Ties with Russia
After Rachel’s date, Corinne continues her downward spiral figuring out that she’s last on the totem pole because Nick was all over Kristina on the group date, Raven has a rose, Rachel just came back from her date and is going to be the next Bachelorette, and Vanessa has a strong connection with Nick. What she doesn’t know is that while she’s panicking over nothing, Nick is having yet another sob session with Chris Harrison about how hard it’s going to be to dump Kristina because he has a deep love for her and might even respect her. Wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible, Nick breaks up with her outside of a rose ceremony on the porch of their villa. Kristina is pissed that he never gave her a chance and recoils from Nick as he cries that he did give her a chance and he does love her but there are “stronger relationships in the house” and it’s just not fair to her. By stronger relationships he obviously means: “I’m going to pick Vanessa, I already gave Raven a rose, I need to keep Rachel to hometowns so America can meet her family, and I really want to fuck Corinne.” But I do think he actually likes and kind of respects Kristina--not enough to not be all over her during the group date, but enough to save her the embarrassment of a rose ceremony or the additional heartache of being dumped after home towns or fantasy suites. This all seems best case scenario for Kristina who at least got to go to Bimini and doesn’t have to bother introducing Nick’s limp dick to her family...
Did you notice . . .
Vanessa is completely absent after her 1-on-1 date. At no point when we cut back to the girls in the house sitting around the couch talking is Vanessa anywhere to be seen. I thought this was weird, but then coupled with Corinne’s assessment that Vanessa has no depth and is just a special needs teacher named Vanessa, it seems to be like there’s some tension between Vanessa and the rest of the girls in the house that we aren’t privy to. I hate to put my tinfoil hat back on, but I have to wonder if the other girls don’t like her for some reason but it didn’t make the cut because Corinne was easy entertainment and because they wanted to make Vanessa, a clear front-runner, look as good as possible.
Nick’s swim trunks. Again.
Nick wearing shoes on the beach.
Minority Report: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTBYcPwRk1o
Week 4: Ex Mates and Shitty Dates
We annoyingly pick back up at the end of the pool party to see that the girls have not yet realized they are stuck in a shitty West World loop where they sit around and complain about Corinne, assuming Nick is “better than this,” without yet realizing that he doesn’t actually care about any of them and their feelings do not matter. A few feet away Nick is being scolded by Vanessa, which obviously scares him as he more or less begs her to “be patient” while he continues to make a fool out of himself and the rest of the women. Corinne is sleeping off-camera, uninterested in Nick’s transparent speech about how he appreciates everyone’s *openness* yet, somehow, still feels like he’s “making the right decisions.”
Jasmine provides a flabbergasted in-camera realization that Corinne doesn’t even have a rose and yet is so confident in her *connection* with Nick that she has yet again opted-out of participating. Eventually Taylor and Sarah take it upon themselves to let Corinne know that her shit “hasn’t looked the best,” which is like telling Trump that he’s “sort of unpopular.” After Sarah tells Corinne that she needs to pull it together because she’s embarrassing her parents and coming off super entitled, Corinne offers up the alternative fact that she is not privileged.
After this unsurprisingly ineffective *confrontation,* Corinne goes on to “wonder” why Sarah and Taylor are so obsessed with her. And by “wonder,” I mean very knowingly point out that, much like our old pal Chad, she has taken up an enormous amount of real estate in everyone’s brain, and is there to stay whether they like it or not. She’s the only thing that the girls are talking about; she’s getting the most attention from me and everyone else watching; even Chris Harrison pulls Nick aside before the rose ceremony to talk about her. But then again, this was her plan the entire time. And it’s one we’ve seen before from the OG villain Courtney Robertson. Get on the show and be obnoxiously sexual with the Bachelor while simultaneously being insensitive, irrational and offensive to the girls, and then start saying ridiculous shit like “I love the taste of victory” or “we’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle.” And why not take this route (besides all the obvious reasons like, for example, your future) when it leads to maximum screen time and your name in lights for a few extra minutes?
Home Sweet Home
“Get ready to travel around the world! Starting with .... Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!” While the girls feign excitement over flying from California to Wisconsin, we get a head with Nick and meet up with his parents in a quaint little diner in Waukesha, Wisconsin. Within the first 23 seconds of being on-screen (yes, I counted), Nick’s mom is crying. I mean, I would be too if this were my son, but come ON lady do you not have any other tricks in those bags under your eyes? As it turns out, no, she does not. Nick spends his time with his weepy mother and beta father explaining that he has finally lowered his guard and thinks he can find love this time. Now if you’re me you might have stopped and said “wait, what guard?!” before remembering the guard that kept him from going on this show and trying to propose to someone not once, but twice. Yeah, that “guard.”
Giggles and Girlfriends
After meeting up with the girls in the park, Nick whisks Danielle L. away for a date consisting of walking around town like “normal people.” As this date goes on and they force awkward conversations about nothing, I start to notice that Danielle L. giggles literally every time she opens her mouth to speak. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s just nervous, but I’m a cynical asshole, so I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t have much of a personality and it’s the only way she knows how to feign interest. At one point when they’re strolling down the street they walk past a cafe and just so happen to run into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends whom he dated some undisclosed amount of time ago. Interestingly enough, I know someone who indirectly knows this girl. Turns out this girl hasn’t spoken to Nick for over 10 years and she is happily married with two kids. One day she got a call from the producers who offered her cash to come on the show and “surprise” Nick in this scene. They told her what to say about Nick, she was handed her money, and went on her merry way.
Later that night Danielle continues to giggle while just barely keeping her nipples in her dress. She gives the whole my-parents-got-divorced-so-I’m-more-mature-than-most-24-year-olds speech, and tries to spin her lack of knowledge about Nick as wanting to be open-minded. It’s all pretty transparent, seeing as she was 100% recruited to be on this show and has no intention of marrying Nick. Then again, does anyone? And if so, we should probably get them some help.
America’s Dairyland
Obviously all of the girls would rather be in a spa eating a taco, Corinne, but you can’t get to Bachelor in Paradise without going on at least 1-2 terrible group dates. So even though Nick has clearly never been to a farm, he and the girls get to do some farm chores because Wisconsin is famous for cheese and this was the most creative the writers could get. Even more creative is the main storyline for this group date: Corinne and her unwillingness to do any chores. We get a little comical relief at the expense of Jaimi’s sexuality when Nick can’t manage to work the teat so Jaimi the resident bisexual has to come in and show him how its done, but even this feels lazy. After we’re treated to extensive footage of the girls shoveling cow shit, Corinne decides to take a seat away from the action because her fingers hurt....
Later that night, Astrid starts to gain sentience as she asks “how many more group conversations are we going to have about Corinne?” finally realizing they are all stuck in a loop and that maybe, just maybe, none of this matters. As the girls continue on their loop, Corinne listens from just outside the room and decides its time to take action. She starts by recycling an old Bachelor gag by comparing herself to a vegetable and then aggressively grabs her chest, demanding to know if THIS behavior is immature. And in this moment, she pushes it too far. I’m not laughing anymore because this is tired and transparent, and I feel insulted that she (and the producers) think that this dog and pony show is entertaining. I mean, yes, it’s entertaining but COME ON. It’s been done before.
With some encouragement from the producers, Corinne decides to present herself to the group for a hearing on the reality of her immaturity. Unfortunately, Sarah is the senator chose to question Corinne’s intentions for the group and she blows it. Instead of attacking Corinne’s disingenuously shitty character, she decides to focus on Corinne’s rose ceremony nap. Sensing weakness, Corinne pounces and goes on and on about how SORRY she is for taking a nap, knowing full well that the girls’ issues are larger than her one nap. The only person we see really getting under Corinne’s skin is Kristina, the Russian spy who ultimately wins the night. Earlier Kristina stole Nick first and had a great chat about how she wants to tell him all about her past as a Russian oligarch’s daughter who almost died in a bus crash but then was rendered blind until she was pistol whipped by her captive 20 years later, but doesn’t ever seem to have much time with him because he’s dating 25 other women. Feeling invigorated by Nick telling her that he loves her “zest for life,” Kristina hits Corinne with a “right reasons” accusation and barely lets Corinne get a word in as she brushes off her false claim of having a “medical condition” that kept her from participating in the rose ceremony. After confusing Corinne with her broken English and calling her out for lying about a panic attack, Corinne gives up and walks away. Kristina ends up getting the group date rose for the night, putting the cherry on top of the first successful Corinne Confrontation of the season.
That’s So Raven
Raven drew the short straw this week by getting the “realistic and meaningful” date with Nick which includes going to Bella’s soccer game with Nick and his parents. Unsubscribe. Having played soccer all my life, there is nothing worse than watching young girls play the sport. Nick’s mom shockingly manages to make it through her 1 minute of screen time without crying. After the soccer game, Bella and the gang opt-out of showering and instead go to the local indoor skating rink where Nick shows off his super cool skating moves and makes out with Raven in front of his parents and sister. Later that night Raven tells Nick a tale as old as time about this one time she caught her boyfriend cheating on her. But it’s not your average I-walked-in-on-him story. Instead, she purportedly got a call from a friend who said that some girl was about to fuck her boyfriend, prompting her to get in her car and drive to Arkansas to confront him. When she gets there, the bedroom door is obviously locked (even though she was out of town so he had nothing to hide?) so she KICKS IT OPEN to see her boyfriend thrusting into a stranger’s vagina.
She proceeds to launch herself at them, scratching her boyfriend and beating him over the head with a shoe. The best part about this entire story is the low key demeanor in which she tells it -- as if all of this is normal everyday life and not something resembling a scene from Jerry Springer.
Roses are Rude
Despite having a rose, Danielle L. breaks the cardinal rule of cocktail parties and steals Nick away to have a one-sided nonsensical conversation about how she’s just gonna “go for it” and “put herself out there.” This awkward conversation is made even more awkward by resident know-it-all Taylor who interrupts them by just standing next to the bench and not saying anything. While Taylor and other girls get their time with Nick, Corinne is busy inhaling apps and talking to Josephine with her mouth full about how gross Taylor is...lol. Josephine, having clearly figured out that the best way to get screen time is to be the Karen Smith to Corinne’s Regina George, agrees with Corinne and points out that everyone has been talking about Corinne behind her back...except her.
After bulking up, Corinne decides she’s not going to be fake so grabs Taylor by the hand like they’re pals and leads her outside to confront her about how "disgusting” Taylor’s behavior towards her has been. Taylor one again does an incredibly good job of calmly trying to explain to Corinne why she’s terrible, but because Corinne is a child, she locks on to one word--intelligent--and starting shouting that she’s not stupid. Well, it’s pretty clear that in a lot of ways Corinne is a stupid little girl who has no business “running” a multi-million dollar company or marrying a 36-year-old, but I also recognize that she set this up herself to guarantee more screen time, so it’s not completely accurate to call her unintelligent. Taylor hasn’t yet figured out that you can’t rationalize with an irrational person, and so we’re left with a “to be continued” even though, thanks to past seasons and the guarantee that Nick will never do the right thing, we know exactly how this will end.
Did you notice . . .
We are not impressed by your use of the word “plethora,” Taylor.
Nick definitely gets his limp dick from his dad.
“Everything is good now and everything is great in the world.” Lol just wait until November, Raven.
I find it incredibly hard to believe that Danielle L. didn’t have her first kiss until she was 17. I had an afro 1/2 of my childhood and still was able to find a boy to make out with in 5th grade. Sure, he ended up becoming a druggie, dropping out of high school, and allegedly having an affair with my old drama teacher (who later got fired for embezzling school funds), but that’s not the point.
Raven shows up to the date with noticeably longer hair than she’s had at any point in the season. If you’re going to rock some wack extensions, you gotta rock them the whole time girl.
Alexis’s biggest fears are Nicolas Cage and aliens. Same, tbh. It’s pretty clear that Alexis is sticking around because she’s hilarious and easy to talk to. She really deserves more screen time.
I’m just going to leave THIS right here .... you’re welcome.
Minority Report: I think we’ve set a record for number of black girls (3) to make it past week 4!! I’m not sure how much longer we have Jasmine or Jamimi, but I’m still holding out hope that Rachel is able to overcome her *disability* of being a black girl on the Bachelor and make it to the top 4.
