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Finale Recap: Oh...Canada...

I can’t say I was all that excited for this finale. Part of this may be due to my 3 week absence, but I think most of it is due to Nick’s limp dick, tears, and inability to think of anyone but himself. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Hey! Nick doesn’t have a limp dick! Raven said he’s “good at what he does.” But don’t let that gross and overstaged post-coitus montage fool you: no man who dresses like this can give a woman an orgasm.

It quickly became apparent that I wasn’t the only one struggling to get hype for Nick’s finale. For example, Chris Harrison spent an equal amount of time mentioning Rachel and the “historic moment” later to come on ATFR as he did Nick’s “desperate search for love.” When Harrison asked the audience who Nick would end up with, the option of “no one” got the biggest round of applause. But why? Well, first of all, both of these women can do and deserve much better than a whiny man-child with no job. Additionally, even though it’s really gross because it happens so often, people enjoy watching Nick cry. Except his parents....

They are equally as desperate for him to find someone, or just join Match.com, and Bella just wants to go back to middle school. Unfortunately for all parties involved--including Bachelor Nation--Nick signed a contract and has to drag this thing out until the very end (or until we get so bored that they just start the next season of The Bachelorette during the finale).

Family Time

To ease his emotionally exhausted parents into the last week of Nick’s journey, the producers have the “safe/easy choice” come in to meet them first. In addition to Raven having already kind of met Nick’s parents at Bella’ soccer game, she’s the girl who would blindly and willingly accept a proposal from a man wearing a Livestrong band, no matter how embarrassing his lisp was. She’s meant to reassure his parents that at least one girl is interested in being their son’s wife. Raven is as charming as we expected, and the editors did a great job of reinforcing the overarching theme of Raven being the “no brainer” choice. Nick’s mom is still guarded, however, explaining that she has a certain emptiness in her heart (aka shame) due to all the devastation Nick has suffered at the hands of ABC. Nick’s dad, a sleepy garden gnome, seems more optimistic because Nick (unlike his dad) is finally in control “so maybe he won’t get slapped down.”

*Enter Vanessa* Per the editing, Vanessa comes in HOT, telling his mom that she’s not 100% sure she wants to get engaged to Nick and making his dad cry. His parents are understandably incredibly concerned that Vanessa is the same type of girl he always goes for (a brunette alpha), and seeing as it’s never EVER worked out before, this is probably going to end in heartache once again. Seeing as Nick, much like his dad, is clearly a beta, I don’t think his pairing with an alpha female is necessarily a bad thing. His parents make it work--hell, even my parents make it work (sorry mom, but everyone knows you’re the boss, not Ralph). The problem with Nick, however, is that he weaseled his way onto a franchise that consistently recruits women who are just flat out out of his league. He’s not good-looking enough, he has no job, he’s SO insecure, he can’t stop crying, he has a lisp, he wears turtlenecks...you get the point. So it makes sense for his parents to be worried that whatever hot alpha female he chooses is probably not going to stay with him...because she won’t.

Last Dates

Nick’s final date with Vanessa is wack AF. First of all, the last person I want to meet while on a date with my potential future fiance is Finland Santa Claus. Not only that, but I certainly would NOT be interested in hanging out with this man in a small candle-lit shack. Mall Santas in the US already depress me because they’re just lonely fat men. But “real” Santa speaking Finnish and living in a shack with no electricity is some next-level shit. Hard. Pass. After escaping Santa’s rape shack, Nick and Vanessa spend the remainder of the date crying into each others arms. Vanessa wants some reassurance from Nick, but he won’t give it to her because that’s not how this show works. Vanessa’s hesitance is understandable, but also this is a fucking fantasy. Do your homework and watch a full season so you know what you’re doing before you come on and make demands of a man with no dick.

Sticking with the theme of “light and easy,” Raven’s date consists of yet another opportunity for Nick to show of his skating abilities without much substance. Nothing serious is discussed and there’s not much of a takeaway other than “Raven will say yes.” I personally would have preferred more on-camera time for the puppies in lieu of their fireside chat. While the absence of any serious conversation is meant to suggest things are easy with Raven, to me it comes off more as both parties knowing they aren’t going to end up with one another. If you’re supposed to be getting engaged THE NEXT DAY, wouldn’t you want to talk about where you’re going to live, your friends and family, and all that important life shit that exists outside this fantasy world? Obviously the answer is yes, which is why it seems clear to me that they’re just going through the motions at this point. Then again, aren’t we all?

The Proposal

By the time Neil Lane makes his standard cameo I’m barely paying attention. Nick looks at some gaudy rings that you would only accept if you were getting it for free, eventually picking the biggest one because who cares, he’s not paying for it. There’s something very gross and fake about a man picking out an engagement ring on the day he actually proposes. Then again, he also picked his fiance on the day he proposed. To no one’s surprise, Raven is the first out of the limo and the one to get dumped. But not before Nick let’s her give one last speech about how she loves him and is ready to be his pretend wife. Nick shockingly starts to cry as he gives the standard “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” breakup line. I don’t buy that Raven’s stoic face was due to shock, as she claimed on ATFR. If you’re Raven you’re thinking “phew, I made it to the top 2 and got to travel around the world, I’ll be on Paradise, and MOST IMPORTANTLY...I’m not stuck being engaged to Nick Viall.”

She’s the real winner in this story. And if the lack of gaudy ring on her finger doesn’t prove it, her response of “I know you will” to Nick’s pathetic claim that he’ll miss her seals the deal. Even though she walked away the winner, she still deserved a coat to wear back to the limo. Even though the show tried really hard to make it seem like Vanessa may not accept his proposal and make this whole episode more dramatic than it really was, I don’t think anyone was convinced. As soon as Vanessa walked into the room Nick broke down and launched into a speech about how he had been falling in love with her since the beginning but was scared she didn’t feel the same (despite her repeatedly telling him she did). For all the huffing and puffing Vanessa had done about not necessarily wanting to get engaged, she immediately said yes to Nick’s proposal, disappointing everyone but Nick’s parents. Hooray for “love.”

After the Final Rose

Okay first of all, I have a very hard time understanding why anyone would want to dress up and go to a 3+ hour live watch party of the Bachelor. Some of those women were decked out. Like, watch with your friends in sweatpants? Anyway, the best part of the ATFR was how fucking incredible Raven looked. She had that glow of someone who dodged a Nick Viall bullet and I couldn’t be happier for her and all the kissing/fingering she’s going to do on Paradise this summer. The second best part of ATFR was how MISERABLE Vanessa looked.

That is NOT the face of a woman excited to be engaged. In fact, it’s not even clear if Vanessa knows what it means to be engaged. When Chris Harrison asked if they were going to get married, Vanessa said “we’re taking baby steps.” Ummmm there’s no such thing as “baby steps” on The Bachelor. Also, what do you call the last few months? If anything, that response just confirms that there is no way she is going to marry this walking box of kleenex. And if that answer didn’t convince you, then surely the words used to describe their relationship such as “struggles” and “ never easy” and “I’m a realist” underscores that this “relationship” will last just as long as Nick will on DWTS. The entire interview is so uncomfortable and so clearly filled with tension that ABC had already planned in advance to use the last third of the program to focus on the first ever Blachelorette. Rachel, sporting a new expensive set of extensions, is brought out and *surprised* by being given the opportunity to meet a few of the guys from her season. This “historic” moment that Chris Harrison kept chirping about all night was almost as uncomfortable as Vanessa and Nick’s interview. All in all, the entire finale fell flatter than Nick’s limp dick because no matter how hard he or ABC tries, it’s nearly impossible to find someone willing to marry this manboy.