THE FANTASY SUITE LEAGUE

BY THE SNATCHELORETTE

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 2 Recap: The Three Ds

Is it just me or does it always seems like The Bachelorette gets a shitty draw of contestants? Each year there are at most 3 guys I would take home to meet my parents, maybe one worth actually marrying, and the rest are all that terrible guy you see on TV and hope you never meet in real life. They only care about themselves and what makes them look good or what will get them the most screen time. This season, with its new colors and Blachelorette, is no different. At most we’ve added an extra amount of swagger, but with that swagger comes an added level of douchebaggery that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. 

D is for Doggo

This episode highlighted 3 of the worst people we’ve met since Chad, and one precious angel who is too pure to be around any of this mess. That’s right, I’m talking about Copper. That precious baby with the broken toe who stole Bachelor Nation’s heart. Not only did he get his own limo entrance, but he also went on the first and best 1-on-1 date of the season, accompanying Rachel and Peter to a DOG PARTY. I can’t say I paid much attention to Rachel and Peter, as I was focused solely on Copper and all the ways I could pet him and be his best friend.

The only thing I took away from the 1-on-1 date was that Peter and Rachel bonded over the gap in their teeth, and that Rachel doesn’t seem to mind that Peter is dead in the eyes. Something’s off about him, but it looks like he’ll stick around for awhile so I’ll come back to him when the meat isn’t as fresh.

D is for Douchebags

The first group date of the season is very on-brand for the Bachelorette: a low key picnic with ... an obstacle course and celebrity sighting. The picnic is set up in what I assume to be a vacant lot three spaces down from the Bachelor mansion, where everyone takes turns grilling and playing touch football. Right off the bat it’s hard not to focus on the douche of the century, Whaboom. Everything he does is for attention. He pushes other guys around so he can be the “first” to say hi to Rachel, he obnoxiously dances around the football, shouts constantly, and even picks Rachel up at one point and spins her around like a Disney Princess. It’s not hard to see that Lucas is, in the words of Blake: garbage. The other guys question his personality traits and whether he’s here for the right reasons simply because he is TERRIBLE.  He’s not even trying to fight with anyone, he’s just being himself, which is absolute garbage. Fun fact: My friend was in the same frat as Whaboom at Berkley and said that he is, hands down, the absolute worst person he has ever met in his life—next to his twin brother.  That’s right, there are two of these assholes. 

He also told me that Lucas was constantly trying to be the center of attention and was always making loud obnoxious jokes or trying to steal the stage but NO ONE thought he was funny. Some quick sleuthing on the interwebs brought me to his IMDB page, which honestly says it all. I mean, a 2012 Spanish dating show? God what a fucking loser. But his “rival” Blake is no better, and we need to unpack both of these shitty bags of garbage to really get down to their trash core. In a voice-over, Blake mentions that he knows Whaboom and is the only person that can “ruin this” for him. Well first of all, Whaboom doesn’t need anyone’s help ruining anything. Second, Blake knows the true garbage nature of Whaboom because they were both on a trashy reality TV dating show hosted by Carmen Electra. Yep, that’s right. Garbage, meet Garbage. Oh, you already met on the Ex-Isle? Perfect. Let’s skip the pleasantries, and the entire obstacle course while we’re at it. That way we can also skip over Blake whining the entire time that Lucas is cheating and not following directions, and Lucas winning then attempting to get Ashton Kutcher to yell “whaboom.” To literally everyone’s relief, Ashton politely passes on the offer, as he should have with My Boss’s Daughter / Just Married / Killers / basically all movies he’s ever done.

No really, name a good Ashton Kutcher movie. You can’t, because there are none. Anyway, since Whaboom won the competition he got the first 1-on-1 time with Rachel. Blake takes this opportunity to let everyone know that, to the extent they hadn’t figured it out yet, Whaboom is a douchebag. Blake, it is the first fucking week. Chill the fuck out man. When Lucas gets back to the perfectly stirred pot, he’s confronted with the question of our generation: how do you identify yourself? The correct answer, of course, was garbage, but we would have also accepted trash. Speaking of trash, Blake continues his crusade against Whaboom by informing Rachel that, to the extent she is both blind and deaf, Lucas is just a clown here for TV exposure. Like any guy NOT trying to get TV exposure, Blake then goes and tells Lucas that he just spent his time with Rachel letting her know that Whaboom is wearing makeup and is here for the wrong reasons. 

At this point it’s pretty clear that Blake is also here for the wrong reasons and obsessed with Lucas, who may or may not be totally wasted. It’s hard to tell, because he’s just that terrible. In the end, Whaboom walks away the winner of this confrontation after he tells Blake he’s going to do “him” and that Blake is “dismissed.” Point, Garbage. I can’t really tell you what else happened on this date due to the overpowering stench of Garbage, but everyone else was so boring that the 20-year-old Ricky Fowler look alike, Dean, got the group date rose. Good for you, Dean.

D is for Drama

The second group date the guys get a considerably better draw with a game of pick up basketball monitored by Kareem Abdul Jabar. DeMario is the focus of this date, which I wanted to attribute to his charisma fuckboi charm and casual ability to dunk a basketball. But something doesn’t feel right about this spotlight and even though deep down I know why, I think and hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s not him. It’s like when you’re watching a Law & Order SVU episode and it’s definitely the dad, but it feels way too obvious to actually be the dad, so instead you convince yourself its the neighbor but like, it was always the dad.  It was always DeMario. Always. You don’t get this kind of attention in a group date when there are previews of a scorned lover confronting her man unless it’s your scorned lover. Enter Lexi, the girl who DeMario was allegedly fucking days before he went on ATFR and met Rachel. Before she even opened her mouth I could tell from her eyebrows that this girl was trash and was ready to shamelessly take down the Big D. The build up to this drama is great. After being summoned by Rachel, DeMario is convinced he’s getting the rose and walks gleefully back into the gym talking about what he learned playing the game until he saw cash me ousside girl waiting for him.

DeMario’s face quickly goes from happy to freaked out to “confused.” He immediately launches into fuckboi defensive mode and makes a series of moves that only digs him deeper into the pit of despair.

Move 1: Pretend like you have no idea who this girl is and that you’ve never seen her before. Obviously this is NOT the right way to go, but you have to give him partial credit if only because I would also deny knowing (let alone fucking) someone that trashy. This obviously doesn’t work as she’s tracked him down, so it’s on to the next move.

Move 2: This girl is fucking crazy, and we met “many many times ago.” Um, what? Thankfully Rachel is smarter than to buy into the “she’s crazy” excuse that’s constantly applied to women by the patriarchy. Instead, she asks for clarification on what “many times ago” means, and at this point the Big D starts to sweat.

Move 3: Claim that this is personal stuff that we should handle off-camera. This was an obvious misstep that sent Lexi into a rage about unanswered text messages and fucking her 2 days before he went on ATFR. Rachel keeps it classy, however, pointing out that this is also her personal life so DeMario really needs to explain himself.

Move 4: Admit he dated her, but claim that he broke up with her because she was “too much” to handle, circling back to the old “she’s crazy” thesis. DeMario tries to suggest that he broke up with Lexi face to face, but then Lexi starts shouting about how he still has her keys... 

Move 5: Keys? What keys? I don’t  have your keys..... Oh, wait. I actually mailed them back to you. As if this mother fucker has ever been to the post office. At this point DeMario has to know that he’s totally fucked and should probably just leave before he says anything else. But he doesn’t. Instead, he continues trying to downplay what Lexi is saying until finally Rachel tells him he’s not making any sense and she just wants to know when was the last time he saw Lexi.

Check: Lexi stops swearing on her kittens’ lives long enough to offer up the receipts to prove not just her side of the story, but the exact date and time when Demario was last in and out of her...apartment. Before Rachel accepts any documents into evidence, she gives DeMario one last chance to say literally anything that isn’t a lie and asks if the dates on Lexi’s phone will match his story or hers....

Move 6: It depends on the dates...

Checkmate: Finally at the end of her rope, Rachel takes Lexi’s phone (which I imagine smells like cigarettes) and reads the standard fuckboi texts we all knew DeMario sent. Rachel calmly informs DeMario that she is not here to be played or to be made a joke of, so he can get the fuck out.

In the aftermath of the DeMario drama everyone starts whispering about how DeMario was obviously not there for the right reasons when, in reality, they are all there for the same reason: fame. DeMario was just sloppier about it. The remaining guys on the date all use this as an opportunity to let Rachel know they’re there “for her” and will “protect her” from this kind of behavior. Josiah flexes his protection muscles the most with his... creepy side eye stare and ends up getting the group date rose. We don’t get too far into the cocktail party before the ghost of DeMario comes knocking at the gates of The Bachelor mansion to prove once and for all that D is for determination dumbass.

Did you notice . . .

Ashton knew when he “first saw” Mila that they would get married ... after he married Demi Moore and played dad for a few years, of course.

“This is not a show. When I want to turn it on, I turn it off. When I want to turn it off, I turn it off.” - ummm that’s a show, Lucas.

Curious that Lucas and Blake hate each other so much yet look like pals in this picture from 2016....(also, the hastags...)

“I check my mailbox every day.” - Lexi, lol.

OF COURSE her name is Lexi with an I.

I could do without Alex’s singing, especially as it’s likely a trigger for the Russian Manchurian Candidate, Jared Kushner.

Minority Report: The most embarrassing part of the whole DeMario saga is that before the Bachelorette he was dating white trash like Lexi.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 1 Recap: Same Shit, Different Colors

It’s easy to get excited thinking this season of the Bachelorette is going to be different. Rachel is the first Blachelorette, it’s the most diverse cast in the history of the franchise, and she is really smart and down to earth and has a real, sustainable job. (Yes, I’m aware Andi was a “lawyer” too, but also, she wasn’t.) Believe me, as a black female attorney perpetually surrounded by white people I know should be excited. This is my jam. 

If anyone can relate to Rachel and her search for true love (lol), it’s me. But aside from the color of people’s skin, this season will be no different than any other. The guys will still be macho, aggressive, and pathetic. The dates will still be awkward and infuriatingly low budget. The drama will still be manufactured. And at the end of all of this, Rachel will still walk away with a fake fiancé she barely knows. Sure, there will be certain dynamics that you wouldn’t otherwise see in the standard white girl season, but ultimately, this show will remain pretty fucking stupid. 

Fresh Meat 

As we dive into the spotlight segment of the episode it’s hard not to notice that everyone we meet is a minority (except the guy with the dead mom and the guy with the brain injury). I find myself annoyed by this only because it makes me “wonder” where these guys have been and why ABC “hasn’t been able to find” anyone but the same white guy to come on this show. Anyway, the first seven guys ABC wants us to pay attention to include:

Kungfu Kenny, the cute professional wrestler from Vegas with a 10 year old daughter.

Jack, the lawyer from Dallas who has a cute dog and a dead mom.

Alex, the meathead coder from Detroit who speaks Russian and is almost certainly a deep cover agent.

Mohit, the Bollywood dancing start up guy who doesn’t stand a chance.

Lucas, an aspiring Doritos spokesman and all around idiot. 

Blake, the creep who couldn’t stop talking about his amazing penis.

Diggy, a fasion bae from Chicago who might also be gay.

Josiah, the smooth talking lawyer from Florida with a Stomp the Yard story line.

After Rachel gets some last minute advice from half of the cast of Nick’s season, it’s time for limos. Per usual, we had some awkward lines, over the top entrances, stupid props, and a lot of bowties. Here’s a quick rundown:

The first guy named Peter was boring yet charming. Adam brought a doll which was pretty alarming. Steve Urkel was cute, Dean was awkward and lame, DeMario is clearly only here for the fame.

Josiah had a weak line about reasonable doubt, While some big guy name Iggy continued to pout. The penguin looked silly, Milton looked chic, And the Tickle Monster guy is a fucking freak.

The dick guy showed up with a full marching band, The rest blurred together and were horribly bland. And just when I thought we had a full room, Some douchebag arrived and screamed out WHABOOM.

Cocktail Party

Soon after Whaboom enters the mansion and puts everyone on notice that he is a psychopath, the cocktail party starts. I can’t say I’m surprised that Josiah is the first to steal Rachel away, or that he quickly launches into his good kid then bad kid then good kid back story. Nor am I surprised that right away the other guys start talking shit about him for doing something they should have done first. It’s classic Bachelor. After Rachel shuffles through a few duds, Bryan the Colombian with too much botox whisks her away to a more isolated location. Bryan tells her exactly what she wants to hear: that he’s 37 (with the face of a 24 year old) and is ready to settle down and get married. Even though Botox Bryan looks like a total douchebag and his flirting errs on the side of fuckboi, Rachel is really into it. So into it that she overlooks the fact that he kisses her like a plunger would a toilet.

Throughout the night we’re treated to a number of clips featuring DeMario, this season’s Corinne. Prior to the start of the night, Whitney “warned” Rachel that DeMario may not be here for the right reasons because she knows a girl who knows a girl who knows a guy who dated a girl who says DeMario is a clown. But OF COURSE HE IS. His name is DeMario. And beyond the racial profiling, anyone that comfortable and smooth in front of a camera in a situation like this has fuckboi written all over them. But I don’t find his arrogance offensive just yet. He’s more amusing than anything, and honestly asked Rachel the right question (N*Sync or Backstreet Boys). I have a feeling he might be the guy with the girlfriend (per season previews), but I also think that’s what ABC wants me to think, so for now I remain skeptical but excited. Eventually we get to Whaboom, who sucks. Prior to his 1-on-1 time with Rachel, he spends the entire night Whabooming around the house and shouting into his megaphone. Admittedly he got a laugh out of me when he started narrating Rachel’s time with Hugh Dancy lookalike Peter, the boringass guy from Wisconsin who will probably be the next Bachelor. Pretty much everyone in the house has the same reaction to Whaboom and even encourages him to an extent,

except Blake, the “great dick” guy from the drum line. (Wow, I can’t believe that sentence is about a white guy). Signaling to everyone that he has approximately no chill, Blake takes it upon himself to “confront” Whaboom for being a tool. The problem, of course, is that Whaboom clearly does not give a fuck about what Blake or anyone else thinks because “everyone has a little Whaboom in them.” Sure, but that the part of ourselves we hate. Despite being unattractive and cognitively impaired, Whaboom gets the final rose of the night, confirming my initial hypothesis that this season won’t be any different from the rest, and ultimately, this show remains pretty fucking stupid.  

Did you notice . . .

575 pairs of sneakers seems like an incredible waste of money, Diggy

Also, we’re gonna have a Diggy and Iggy on the same season? 

Speaking of Iggy, he literally could not stop complaining about every single guy that walked through the door. Like dude, this show thrives of first night gimmicks. Stop being such a bitch.

While DeMario and Joshiah were swaggering around in the midst of a pissing match, a group of white guys were huddled across the room discussing how loud and obnoxious they were being. I’m not saying it’s a race thing, but it will be interesting to see who sticks together on this show.

“He’s not ‘look at me I’m drunk’ he’s ‘I almost just missed that step drunk.’” RIP Mohit. 

Everyone in the background watching Whaboom’s 1-on-1 time with Rachel.

Adam Jr. stole the show. I really hope he sticks around the house for awhile. Those of you who follow my snapchat know I’m a big fan of lifelike dolls. (that sounds weirder than it is, I promise)

Peter saying he “put a lot of things on hold to be here” is so fucking obnoxious. Of course you did, that’s the fucking point. Don’t try to act like you slutting yourself out on TV is some grand gesture for Rachel and that she should be grateful for you. There are literally hundreds of basic ass white men who would love to put their shitty jobs on hold and bro out with some personal trainers in California. Fuck off, guy. 

Milton crying was the highlight of the episode for me.

Minority Report .. or should it be Majority Report? It’s too difficult to track how many there are or what they’re doing (although Jeff Sessions is trying his best), so I’ll use this space to discuss those we lose each week. This week, it’s Blake K., that super cute Asian guy who DEFINITELY shouldn’t have been kicked off. Pretty much everyone on the internet agrees she made a huge mistake letting him go and keeping the TICKLE MONSTER weirdo and Whaboom, but like I said, this show is stupid. But based on the love he was getting on Twitter, I won’t be surprised if he makes it to Paradise this year. I just hope he doesn’t pair up with Caila. Gag.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Finale Recap: Oh...Canada...

I can’t say I was all that excited for this finale. Part of this may be due to my 3 week absence, but I think most of it is due to Nick’s limp dick, tears, and inability to think of anyone but himself. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Hey! Nick doesn’t have a limp dick! Raven said he’s “good at what he does.” But don’t let that gross and overstaged post-coitus montage fool you: no man who dresses like this can give a woman an orgasm. 

It quickly became apparent that I wasn’t the only one struggling to get hype for Nick’s finale. For example, Chris Harrison spent an equal amount of time mentioning Rachel and the “historic moment” later to come on ATFR as he did Nick’s “desperate search for love.” When Harrison asked the audience who Nick would end up with, the option of “no one” got the biggest round of applause. But why? Well, first of all, both of these women can do and deserve much better than a whiny man-child with no job. Additionally, even though it’s really gross because it happens so often, people enjoy watching Nick cry. Except his parents.... 

They are equally as desperate for him to find someone, or just join Match.com, and Bella just wants to go back to middle school. Unfortunately for all parties involved--including Bachelor Nation--Nick signed a contract and has to drag this thing out until the very end (or until we get so bored that they just start the next season of The Bachelorette during the finale). 

Family Time

To ease his emotionally exhausted parents into the last week of Nick’s journey, the producers have the “safe/easy choice” come in to meet them first. In addition to Raven having already kind of met Nick’s parents at Bella’ soccer game, she’s the girl who would blindly and willingly accept a proposal from a man wearing a Livestrong band, no matter how embarrassing his lisp was. She’s meant to reassure his parents that at least one girl is interested in being their son’s wife. Raven is as charming as we expected, and the editors did a great job of reinforcing the overarching theme of Raven being the “no brainer” choice. Nick’s mom is still guarded, however, explaining that she has a certain emptiness in her heart (aka shame) due to all the devastation Nick has suffered at the hands of ABC. Nick’s dad, a sleepy garden gnome, seems more optimistic because Nick (unlike his dad) is finally in control “so maybe he won’t get slapped down.” 

*Enter Vanessa* Per the editing, Vanessa comes in HOT, telling his mom that she’s not 100% sure she wants to get engaged to Nick and making his dad cry. His parents are understandably incredibly concerned that Vanessa is the same type of girl he always goes for (a brunette alpha), and seeing as it’s never EVER worked out before, this is probably going to end in heartache once again. Seeing as Nick, much like his dad, is clearly a beta, I don’t think his pairing with an alpha female is necessarily a bad thing. His parents make it work--hell, even my parents make it work (sorry mom, but everyone knows you’re the boss, not Ralph). The problem with Nick, however, is that he weaseled his way onto a franchise that consistently recruits women who are just flat out out of his league. He’s not good-looking enough, he has no job, he’s SO insecure, he can’t stop crying, he has a lisp, he wears turtlenecks...you get the point. So it makes sense for his parents to be worried that whatever hot alpha female he chooses is probably not going to stay with him...because she won’t.

Last Dates

Nick’s final date with Vanessa is wack AF. First of all, the last person I want to meet while on a date with my potential future fiance is Finland Santa Claus. Not only that, but I certainly would NOT be interested in hanging out with this man in a small candle-lit shack. Mall Santas in the US already depress me because they’re just lonely fat men. But “real” Santa speaking Finnish and living in a shack with no electricity is some next-level shit. Hard. Pass. After escaping Santa’s rape shack, Nick and Vanessa spend the remainder of the date crying into each others arms. Vanessa wants some reassurance from Nick, but he won’t give it to her because that’s not how this show works. Vanessa’s hesitance is understandable, but also this is a fucking fantasy. Do your homework and watch a full season so you know what you’re doing before you come on and make demands of a man with no dick. 

Sticking with the theme of “light and easy,” Raven’s date consists of yet another opportunity for Nick to show of his skating abilities without much substance. Nothing serious is discussed and there’s not much of a takeaway other than “Raven will say yes.” I personally would have preferred more on-camera time for the puppies in lieu of their fireside chat. While the absence of any serious conversation is meant to suggest things are easy with Raven, to me it comes off more as both parties knowing they aren’t going to end up with one another. If you’re supposed to be getting engaged THE NEXT DAY, wouldn’t you want to talk about where you’re going to live, your friends and family, and all that important life shit that exists outside this fantasy world? Obviously the answer is yes, which is why it seems clear to me that they’re just going through the motions at this point. Then again, aren’t we all?

The Proposal

By the time Neil Lane makes his standard cameo I’m barely paying attention. Nick looks at some gaudy rings that you would only accept if you were getting it for free, eventually picking the biggest one because who cares, he’s not paying for it. There’s something very gross and fake about a man picking out an engagement ring on the day he actually proposes. Then again, he also picked his fiance on the day he proposed. To no one’s surprise, Raven is the first out of the limo and the one to get dumped. But not before Nick let’s her give one last speech about how she loves him and is ready to be his pretend wife. Nick shockingly starts to cry as he gives the standard “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” breakup line. I don’t buy that Raven’s stoic face was due to shock, as she claimed on ATFR.  If you’re Raven you’re thinking “phew, I made it to the top 2 and got to travel around the world, I’ll be on Paradise, and MOST IMPORTANTLY...I’m not stuck being engaged to Nick Viall.” 

She’s the real winner in this story. And if the lack of gaudy ring on her finger doesn’t prove it, her response of “I know you will” to Nick’s pathetic claim that he’ll miss her seals the deal. Even though she walked away the winner, she still deserved a coat to wear back to the limo. Even though the show tried really hard to make it seem like Vanessa may not accept his proposal and make this whole episode more dramatic than it really was, I don’t think anyone was convinced. As soon as Vanessa walked into the room Nick broke down and launched into a speech about how he had been falling in love with her since the beginning but was scared she didn’t feel the same (despite her repeatedly telling him she did). For all the huffing and puffing Vanessa had done about not necessarily wanting to get engaged, she immediately said yes to Nick’s proposal, disappointing everyone but Nick’s parents. Hooray for “love.”

After the Final Rose

Okay first of all, I have a very hard time understanding why anyone would want to dress up and go to a 3+ hour live watch party of the Bachelor. Some of those women were decked out. Like, watch with your friends in sweatpants? Anyway, the best part of the ATFR was how fucking incredible Raven looked. She had that glow of someone who dodged a Nick Viall bullet and I couldn’t be happier for her and all the kissing/fingering she’s going to do on Paradise this summer. The second best part of ATFR was how MISERABLE Vanessa looked. 

That is NOT the face of a woman excited to be engaged. In fact, it’s not even clear if Vanessa knows what it means to be engaged. When Chris Harrison asked if they were going to get married, Vanessa said “we’re taking baby steps.” Ummmm there’s no such thing as “baby steps” on The Bachelor. Also, what do you call the last few months? If anything, that response just confirms that there is no way she is going to marry this walking box of kleenex. And if that answer didn’t convince you, then surely the words used to describe their relationship such as “struggles” and “ never easy” and “I’m a realist” underscores that this “relationship” will last just as long as Nick will on DWTS. The entire interview is so uncomfortable and so clearly filled with tension that ABC had already planned in advance to use the last third of the program to focus on the first ever Blachelorette. Rachel, sporting a new expensive set of extensions, is brought out and *surprised* by being given the opportunity to meet a few of the guys from her season. This “historic” moment that Chris Harrison kept chirping about all night was almost as uncomfortable as Vanessa and Nick’s interview. All in all, the entire finale fell flatter than Nick’s limp dick because no matter how hard he or ABC tries, it’s nearly impossible to find someone willing to marry this manboy.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 7: Cry Me A River. Build Me A Bridge.

This week’s episode picks up the morning after Nick’s breakdown in the girls’ house, where he wept on the arm of a couch and told the girls he might be too fragile to continue. Even after a night of rest on the beautiful island of St. Thomas, the girls are still pretty shocked and a little nauseated by Nick’s tearful outburst the night before. Even Chris Harrison heard he had a pretty gross breakdown rough night, as evidenced by his check-in session on the beach with Nick. Like any good friend, he lets Nick fall back into his loop of misery and complain that this might not be the best place to meet someone who is actually interested in being with him. But Chris Harrison doesn’t have much sympathy.

After a few more tears, he gives Nick two options: walk away right now and die alone, or go back in there and finish this show like you promised you would, and then die alone. Seeing as he is contractually obligated to finish the show, Nick chooses the path of love and heads back to the girls’ house to apologize for being so disgusting the night before. As he struggles not to cry, he explains that even though he’s insecure, he’s scared, he’s miserable, he’s broke, he’s losing hope, he’s letting his lisp slide, he ultimately feels more for the remaining women than he ever did for ditzy D-Lo, and to prove it he’s cancelling the rose ceremony and everyone is heading to Bimini.

Easy as 1, 2, 3.

In desperate need of sunglasses, Nick’s livestrong band and Vanessa squint into each others’ eyes as they discuss their shared question of whether Nick would come on this show and force himself to fall in love with someone (because that’s how this works), or if he was going to be a real genuine boy. Nick reassures Vanessa that he doesn’t need to force anything with her, stammering that “I know so much about you I feel like I know you without knowing the details I still don't know.” Woah. Deep. After that wall-breaking conversation of just knowing what you know when you know even though you don’t know, they splash around in the ocean and then Vanessa falls in love with Nick the moment they start making out underwater. At this point, she’s pretty sure they’re on the same page and can’t wait for the night portion of the date to let Nick know how she feels. Nick opens up the dialogue with “so, hometowns are next week...” Magical. Vanessa takes this opportunity to launch into her well-rehearsed speech about how *easy* it is to be with Nick, which is what she’s been looking for. He’s not challenging, he doesn’t make her think, and she loves that about him. So she lets him know she’s falling in love with him, and after a not-so-passionate kiss, Nick really drops the ball. He gives a long-winded explanation of how hes said “I love you” before on this show and even though he’s totally not ashamed of that, if he’s going to do it again it needs to be different and he definitely can’t say it right now. Vanessa, who looks pissed and embarrassed, doesn’t have much to say back.

Yikes.

Swimming with Sharks

If you remember a few weeks ago, Kristina was the only girl that really got under Corinne’s skin by telling her that her fake anxiety attacks and napping were very uncool. This nugget gives an entertaining twist to the otherwise boring tension between Corinne and Kristina, caused mostly by Corinne’s desperate need for attention and reassurance, and partly by Kristina’s I-grew-up-in-fucking-Russia fervor. Nick buys into the games like any dumb boy would, rubbing Kristina down in suntan lotion and reassuring Corinne that she won’t be eaten by sharks unless she’s on her period because sharks can smell the blood. Meanwhile, Raven stays above the fray and off to the side, unphased by the petty games and ready to punch a shark in the face, which comes as no surprise considering she drove across state lines to beat her cheating boyfriend over the head with a shoe. Ultimately, Kristina wins the date by getting too scared by the sharks and needing to get on the boat and cry. Later that night Nick pays her back by pulling Kristina away first to…cry. Again. Can you imagine escaping from fucking Russia and then dating a 36-year-old man who cannot stop crying because he’s terrified of looking dumb on TV (despite having signed up, 4 times, to go on TV and look dumb). 

After weeping with Kristina, Nick kicks off his 1-on-1 time with Raven with the age old “so, hometowns are next week...” It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Not that he ever was? Raven talk about her parents who are still together because that is apparently now something to brag about on this show? Getting a little deeper, Raven reveals she quit law school because her dad got lung cancer, but now that he’s in remission she can make him proud by going back to school on the Bachelor. After 2-3 bottles of chardonnay, Corinne finally gets her 1-on-1 time with Nick and she’s just drunk enough to be obnoxious and whiny and willing to do whatever it takes. Nick reassures her that she’s clearly doing something right as she’s still around despite being the least realistic choice for a wife on the show. 

Goodbye, Girl Next Door

Back when Nick was forcing connections and willing to play The Bachelor Game, he and Danielle hit it off because she was the sleepy girl next door from Wisconsin and it all made sense. Now that reality has set in, however, it’s pretty clear that Danielle’s lack of personality just isn’t going to cut it. Besides, she always looks like she’s moments away from that green ambien butterfly landing on her nose and taking her into a deep and dreamless sleep, which is strangely not appealing to Nick. It’s easy to see this breakup coming from a mile away after Nick says things like “have you learned at all about some of the history on the island?” and his favorite “so, hometowns are next week...” But somehow Danielle thinks this is all going really well. Later that night, the awkwardness continues in what feels more like an SNL skit than anything else:

Danielle: I really liked being playful today. Riding bikes. Just being the two of us, and the production crew. It was great

Nick: You’re fun to have fun with.

Because he’s an asshole, Nick lets Danielle open up about feeling something *real* for him even though she’s scared because “the last time I was in love with someone, they died…..” Yikes. Nick breaks up with her by saying that he doesn’t long for her and doesn’t really think about her at all.

Not So Platinum Vagine

Corinne is fed up with not getting enough attention from Nick, and wants to prove that she would, in fact, live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. When she wants something, she gets it. She’s not a runner up and will not be outshined.

So she decides to break the rules and pop over to Nick’s room to let him know she’s here for fame him. Nick, being the gentleman that he is, invites her in for a nightcap which shockingly leads to them making out and then casually going into Nick’s bedroom and closing the door, sans cameras. Behind closed doors, Corinne instructs Nick to “keep two hands all at all times. Never jiggle. Lightly massage.” If she’s not talking about her boobs, then I have to admit I have no idea what kind of heavy petting they’re doing. After some rustling and smooching (as described by my closed captioning), Nick “remembers” that the last time someone fucked before the fantasy suite dates it didn’t go over too well, so he tells her she’s *amazing* but it’s time to go. Corinne is forced to take a walk of shame and punishes herself by avoiding the automatic doors, choosing instead of waddle out the manual door in her 6 inch Louboutins. 

The Next Blachelorette

I would say that hindsight is 20/20 and the editing and setup of Rachel’s story seems so obvious, BUT, I called this Episode 1 (along with many others), so I’m not surprised when Nick takes her to hang out with the locals and tells the camera “she’s an incredibly beautiful woman who is incredibly smart and charismatic.” This is true, but coming from Nick it doesn’t sound genuine at all. And here’s my theory on why (besides all the obvious stuff like Nick sucks, has no personality, etc.): Rachel was specifically approached and put on this show in order for ABC to finally get their first black Bachelorette. No, this isn’t me being racist, but here are the #facts:

She’s a real lawyer who has been practicing for 5+ years (unlike Andi who literally had a job for 2 months before leaving to film), and actually has something to lose (like the respect of every lawyer ever).

Her dad is a federal fucking judge. 

I’ve heard from people who went to law school with her that she is super nice and isn’t the type to seek fame (although obviously a part of her is otherwise she’d have turned this down). 

Nick has always been looking ahead with Rachel and saying things that make it seem like he knows she’s going to stick around to at least home towns. He’s brought up her dad more than Corinne brought up Raquel.

She got the first impression rose (I know this isn’t dispositive, but still)

Nick has been on this show 100x and is close with the producers.

A black girl has never made it past week 5 before, and this year there were 3.  In fact, there were more women of color on this show than any season in the past.

Now this isn’t to say that none of this has been real (it hasn’t), but it’s not too far-fetched to believe that Rachel was approached by producers and promised that if she came on the show and dealt with this bullshit, she would make it far enough and get enough screen time to rally Bachelor Nation behind her as the first ever Blachelorette. And seeing as Nick has proven himself to be a puppet time and time again, it’s very easy to imagine a conversation with Nick wherein the producers told him to keep Rachel around and actually try to have meaningful conversations with her and then he would be able to say he’s the guy who kept a black girl around long enough to be the Bachelor. And Rachel made it easy because she seems so cool and nice and normal that Nick was probably happy to keep her around and make himself look legitimate. Now I’m not saying that Nick doesn’t actually like her, it actually makes a lot of sense for him to pick her in the end. She has a stable job that pays good money, he is broke, and she is an incredibly respectful choice. But he and I both know that there’s no way in HELL that Rachel would actually want to get engaged and marry Nick Viall. No one wants to do that, especially no one with a brain. 

Cutting Ties with Russia

After Rachel’s date, Corinne continues her downward spiral figuring out that she’s last on the totem pole because Nick was all over Kristina on the group date, Raven has a rose, Rachel just came back from her date and is going to be the next Bachelorette, and Vanessa has a strong connection with Nick. What she doesn’t know is that while she’s panicking over nothing, Nick is having yet another sob session with Chris Harrison about how hard it’s going to be to dump Kristina because he has a deep love for her and might even respect her. Wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible, Nick breaks up with her outside of a rose ceremony on the porch of their villa. Kristina is pissed that he never gave her a chance and recoils from Nick as he cries that he did give her a chance and he does love her but there are “stronger relationships in the house” and it’s just not fair to her. By stronger relationships he obviously means: “I’m going to pick Vanessa, I already gave Raven a rose, I need to keep Rachel to hometowns so America can meet her family, and I really want to fuck Corinne.” But I do think he actually likes and kind of respects Kristina--not enough to not be all over her during the group date, but enough to save her the embarrassment of a rose ceremony or the additional heartache of being dumped after home towns or fantasy suites. This all seems best case scenario for Kristina who at least got to go to Bimini and doesn’t have to bother introducing Nick’s limp dick to her family...

Did you notice . . .

Vanessa is completely absent after her 1-on-1 date. At no point when we cut back to the girls in the house sitting around the couch talking is Vanessa anywhere to be seen. I thought this was weird, but then coupled with Corinne’s assessment that Vanessa has no depth and is just a special needs teacher named Vanessa, it seems to be like there’s some tension between Vanessa and the rest of the girls in the house that we aren’t privy to. I hate to put my tinfoil hat back on, but I have to wonder if the other girls don’t like her for some reason but it didn’t make the cut because Corinne was easy entertainment and because they wanted to make Vanessa, a clear front-runner, look as good as possible. 

Nick’s swim trunks. Again.

Nick wearing shoes on the beach.

Minority Report: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTBYcPwRk1o

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 6: The Chokey

At the beginning of this week’s episode, Taylor rises from the depths of the bayou to remind us one more time that she has a Masters and Corinne is not here for the right reasons. While I applaud her resolve to get the last word and very much enjoyed the anxiety she gave Corinne while talking with Nick, this ultimately felt like a lazy waste of everyone’s time. Of course Nick knows that Corinne is lying but he doesn’t care because he makes the majority of his decisions based on his dick, and the rest based on whatever the producers want. So sure, he’ll begrudgingly go outside and get scolded by Taylor for falling for Corinne’s shtick because he has to at least pretend like he cares about and respects these women. But ultimately, he doesn’t. And so instead of spending an extra 3 hours getting some quality time with the remaining women, he cancels the cocktail party under the guise that he promised himself if he knew where his heart was, he wouldn’t waste anyone’s time. But then he wastes everyone’s time with a rose ceremony...

I’m really sad to see Alexis leave as I imagine everyone else in the house is as well seeing as she’s probably one of the only girls I’d even want to have a prolonged conversation with. If you told me that the aspiring dolphin trainer from Jersey would end up being my season favorite, I’d have told you to get that fake news out of my face.  And yes, she’s not the right match for Nick but that’s not really the point of this show and like, who is Whitney?

An Orphan Emerges

The first stop on the International Bachelor Tour is the island of St. Thomas, where The OA gets her first 1-on-1 date immediately on arrival. They take a water plane to a private beach where Kristina begins to unravel her long awaited back story that explains her thick Russian accent. She’s only able to reveal she was adopted and has 8-9 brothers and sisters before Nick gets tired of the serious conversation and asks her to go swimming. Later that night, after a prep session with the producers, Nick starts to ask more targeted questions about her hometown in Russia and her parents. 

In response, Kristina tells a horrifying and heartbreaking story of child abuse and abandonment of a 5 year old girl by a woman who surely had mental health issues. After a few years in a Russian orphanage (woof), she found a US family to adopt her and she was able to exchange a life of prostitution and a bleak gray country of despair for a colorful life in America where she can go on national TV and compete for the “love” of a man who wouldn’t know struggle if it smacked him in the face. Being unable to relate and without a producer near him to hold up a cue card so he can give an appropriate response, Nick says “wow that’s..wow.” To be fair, it’s a lot to take in for someone with such a small brain. He tries though, which leads to some classic Viall tears and Kristina getting the rose and officially becomes the Jubilee of this season: beautiful orphan who has been through way too much shit to put herself on this show alongside fame whores looking for their 15 minutes of fame. Get out of there, girl! You’re better than this and you deserve more than Weepy Nick and his dysfunctional dick.

Do you like to be choked?

I can’t tell if this date was set up to fail or if the producers were just too lazy to come up with a better idea for a group date, although I’m guessing this all went according to plan. We’ve reached the point in the season where everyone is emotionally exhausted after needlessly obsessing over an instagram model and competing for time and attention only to get seconds of feigned reassurance to “just be patient.” Foolishly, the girls think they’ll have more time with Nick on the group date since there are fewer people to compete with, but instead they’re made to compete against each other all day. After the producers get everyone liquored up, they cruelly engage them in the absolute worst activity you could give tired drunk girls: beach volleyball. Having been on a spring break or two and found myself playing drunk beach volleyball I can confirm that this shit “fun” for about 30 seconds. The girls are #sports about the whole thing for awhile, but tired drunk girls can only take so much before they crack and say:

While Rachel is the first to really put her foot down and say “fuck this, I’m out,” everyone quickly follows suit and retreats to their respective corners to cry (or nap) until it’s time for round 2. Nick pulls Rachel aside first because he knows she’s smarter than most and could tell she was done with this shit, which gives him anxiety because up until this point he was under the impression that everyone would want to be with him and this would all definitely work out. But ... Rachel doesn’t want to be with him? I mean, come on. He’s Nick Viall. Either way, she certainly is done with this show and all the game, and he gets it, to an extent, as he tells her that she should still stick around because even though she hates this (him), he “thinks something great can happen.” AKA, she can be the first Blachelorette and he can get credit for making it happen.

Everyone else spends their time talking to Nick about how hard this is getting while Jasmine continues to unravel. She talks non-stop in a downward wine-fueled spiral about how Nick doesn’t see her; she’s never had a 1-on-1; she’s been to St. Thomas before so she doesn’t even need to be here; and wants to physically assault Nick. When Nick finally calls her off the bench, she absolutely blows it. Not that I had any faith in her playing it cool after the 5th time she mentioned getting violent with Nick, but like, wow. After repeating to Nick a condensed version of her earlier downward spiral, Jazzy hammers the final nail in her coffin when she repeats to Nick that she’s so frustrated she wants to choke him. And then she tries to choke him. Repeatedly. 

To say that his conversation with Jasmine didn’t go well is an understatement, but she should have known that when you criticize the Bachelor for not paying enough attention to you, your time is probably up. Nick tries to gracefully wiggle away from Jasmine and apologize for dumping her, but she’s not buying his apology and doesn’t want his sympathy because she (like the rest of us) can see right through him. Then again, there’s not much to see other than a pair of pastel short shorts and raging insecurity, but here we are.

Beauty Doesn’t Always Win

In a move that puzzles everyone in the house and at home, Whitney and Danielle L. (or should I say D-Lo) are tapped for the second 2-on-1 date of the season. D-Lo is confused because Nick was really into her in the first few weeks of the show and she seemed like a front runner until this assignment. Whitney, on the other hand, is that beautiful shadow they cast every season to float around in the background and offer nothing worth airing until someone realizes she’s still around and it’s time for her to go. Nick has absolutely nothing of substance to say to her, but just tells her she’s beautiful and has a nice aura around her. 

Nick stumbles through his breakup with Whitney after she questions his choice to keep D-Lo around because she doesn’t seem to think that D-Lo is right for Nick. Neither do Vanessa and Danielle M., who are sitting at home saying the same thing, leading me to wonder what has been going on behind the scenes that they aren’t showing us? Has she been a bitch? Can they tell she’s fake? Or is it just because she’s very stupid? Ultimately, I’m guessing it’s a combination between being dumb, fake, and unable to have a substantive conversation about anything. Take, for example, the beginning of her conversation word for word with Nick later that night:

Nick: I’m excited about tonight. It was a great first date

D-Lo: Yeah t was a great first date I had an incredible time

Nick: I don't think it's a moment I’ll ever forget, I just don’t know how many people in a lifetime will ever experience something quite like that

D-Lo: I know like looking back, dancing has kinda become our thing. It’s fun.

Nick: I certainly like that. It’s fun to goof around that way.

So. Much. LOL. D-Lo continues this awkward conversation by saying all the things she thinks she’s supposed to say at this point in the competition (like “it’s hard to be away from you” and “I like social things” and “I really have feelings for you” and I could totally see us together at the end of this,”) because she doesn’t have a brain and doesn’t seem to notice that Nick is sitting there looking painfully uncomfortable:

Finally, D-Lo tells Nick she’s falling in love with him and is so glad they’re on the same page, to which Nick responds that they are not, in fact, on the same page even though he really wanted it to work out with her because she’s so hot, but sadly he just cannot take one more minute of listening to her talk. And finally the reality of this whole week sets in for Nick: he can’t force himself to “fall in love” with a hot girl without a brain just going through the motions, and he might not be able to force these girls who are clearly better than him (Rachel, Kristina, Vanessa) to actually fall in love with him either. Realizing that he might be trying to hard, he retreats to the girls locker room to cry...

He proceeds to tell them how breaking up with one of the hottest girls made him realize this might not work out for him and at any moment he might just get up and leave ... and then he does. No one should feel bad for Nick at this point because he’s a pathetic baby bitch boy who, after parading himself around on this show 3 separate times, needs to take off that Livestrong band, stop trying to make people feel sorry for him, and get a real goddamn job. 

Did you notice . . .

Jaimi’s dress at the rose ceremony was all sorts of wack

Nick’s sweater on his date with Corinne was also wack 

It was refreshing to not have a Corinne-centered episode for once, although it looks like she’s going to make it all about Corinne again next episode.

Corinne’s face when Lorna, aka Black Raquel, shows up to essentially wait on Corinne. It was all very staged and edited and such an eye roll, but the look of horniness on her face at the beginning was great.· 

The editing of the group date was incredibly sloppy and lazy. We didn’t see how things devolved after the volleyball game and if Nick talked to anyone or if he just retreated to his suite like the bitch he is. We also didn’t see Raven get the group date rose or see Nick tell them that he just dumped Jasmine. I can’t tell if it’s because Nick and the girls aren’t giving the producers enough material to work with, or all just refused to play along after that. Either way, bored. 

Nick held that rose for a long time before not giving it to D-Lo·         

“Maybe I just wasn’t perfect.” - D-Lol

Minority Report: And then, there was one.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 5: Swamp Ass or Stank Face?

The main plot of this week’s episode is The Battle of the Bayou starring: Taylor, the calculating analytical elitist who knows what she’s talking about most of the time but comes off as unapproachable and rude as she constantly reminds us she has her Masters; and Corinne, the obnoxious narcissist whose every statement is so ridiculously and hilariously false you can’t tell if it’s all a strategic act or if she’s actually just a dumb, spoiled psychopath. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? We once again pick up in the middle of last week’s episode where Taylor is still trying to reason with an unreasonable fame whore, and said fame whore continues to be the absolute worst. 

Interestingly enough, none of the girls actually know what they’re fighting about and no one really cares. Even Alexis, the girl who allegedly wears a sumo suit to go to CVS just for kicks, thinks the two of them need to grow up because we’re not in high school anymore. Someone aptly points out that Corinne has done nothing to Taylor, and Taylor has done nothing to Corinne, yet here we are, watching them talk in circles about nothing. After firing off a few one-liners about Taylor’s stank face, Corinne takes it a step farther and tells Nick that she’s scared of Taylor because she’s not here for the right reasons and “that hurts her...for Nick.” Once she’s finished telling Nick all about Pizzagate and Taylor’s evil ways, Corinne is convinced that Taylor is going home and that she is “hashtag winning,” because nothing is more topical than a 5 year old Charlie Sheen quote. 

And if Corinne hadn’t started this drama Taylor might have actually gone home that night because Nick has never seemed interested in her, but it’s the 2-on-1 week so Taylor lives to see another day. Great.

The Next Bachelorette

After being made to suffer through almost an entire rose ceremony before actually getting her rose, Rachel is *blessed* with this week’s 1-on-1 date which actually seems fun compared to poor Raven who was stuck hanging out at fucking Bella’s soccer game. As they pal around New Orleans eating oysters and beignets, Nick preposterously claims that of all the girls in the house he has the “most explosive chemistry” with Rachel ...

After Nick and Rachel lead a Second Line through the streets of New Orleans, Rachel tells a a story about how the last time she was in NOLA she participated in a parade but it was for a funeral, which is when she decided to live her life to the fullest and...go on the Bachelor? This story, as well as the background on her intimidating federal judge of a father and how Rachel is not used to being vulnerable despite being very emotional (or something like that), serves as the perfect set up for Rachel to be the next Bachelorette. It’s a NO BRAINER at this point, and I’m 100% confident that this is what ABC was hoping for when they “cast” Rachel to be on the show. ABC really wants a diverse star to prove they don’t have a race problem, but she has to be likable (code: not too black), smart (code: have a real job), and beautiful. Coincidentally, Rachel has all of those characteristics and Nick seems into Rachel enough for her to make it to hometowns, leaving me with the hope that, maybe, just maybe, we’re finally going to have a Blachelorette.

Do you believe in ghosts?

The group date this week presents us with a chance to identify the women who say things like “the energy in this room” by taking the girls to the Houmas House, one of the most haunted houses in America that also happens to come with a full bar and a Norman Bates caretaker who goes by the name of Boo. Boo takes the girls on a tour of the old house that is apparently haunted by a young girl name Mae who gets real pissed when you fuck with her dolls. I can’t tell if it’s the fake painting of Mae or the fervor with which Boo demands that no one touch these dolls, but I’m 99% sure that these dolls all belong to Boo, and Mae never existed. A few minutes of research reveals that the house, also known as Burnside Plantation, once housed 750 slaves and was the center of the largest slave holding in Louisiana. 

So it’s pretty safe to say that if any ghosts actually haunted this plantation they wouldn’t be of a little girl worried about her goddamn dolls, but one of the countless slaves that lived and died in captivity. Curiously, nothing about slaves or the plantation are ever mentioned as Boo continues to make a big deal the girls not touching his dolls. 

Once the girls are forced to hang out alone with Nick after Boo takes his leave to try on some of his dead mother’s clothes, they play with an Ouijia board to distract from the crushing reality that they are all wasting their time (and losing money) while looking for love on this show.  And then coincidentally, after Jasmine the vocal non-believer of ghosts touches a statue, a chandelier falls and things start getting spooky! While the girls take turns playing Ghost Hunters, Nick has empty conversations with everyone except Raven*, who accidentally lets slip that she fell in love with Nick while he was rollerskating. This is dubious for many reasons, including the fact that she’s spent maybe 6 hours in total with Nick, and also, it’s Nick. But Raven seems pretty genuine and Nick very surprised, so I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for Raven, however, Nick and the producers already decided he needed to give the rose to the girl next door, neonatal nurse other video vixen, Danielle M., to reaffirm his intention to continue to string her along. I’m sure Boo was thrilled to see them leave so he could get back to his tea party.

Battle of the Bayou

And now, for the “main event” of the episode: the rumble in the jungle between Taylor and Corinne! In the blue corner, coming in hot with a Masters from Johns Hopkins and a “stank face on her face,” Taylor!! In the red corner, trying so desperately to make every in-camera interview into a gif, Corinne!! Throughout the episode both sides are given their chance to present their case to the Nation of Bachelor. According to Corinne, she is exactly what Nick needs and Taylor is a bitch who thinks shes better and smarter than everyone. According to Taylor, she has her Masters, is more qualified to be a wife, and Corinne is a lying manipulative clown. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Once they reach the depths of the bayou, Nick and the girls are met by the best voodoo priestess ABC could find, Rachel Dolezal 2.0. I was hoping for either an old black blind woman or an Angela Basset type, but beggars can’t be choosers in the swamp I guess. They are soon directed to Ms. Cleo, who reads Taylor’s fortune first and warns her that it’s best not to engage with the evil spirits but to take the high road and rid herself of all this negativity. Now since Taylor has her Masters, she knows that when trolls go low, you go high, but that’s only the right call 71.4% of the time, or when you aren’t living in this alternate reality where nothing is real and everything is upside down. Unfortunately for Taylor, we’re in that alternate reality and even Ms. Cleo can sense what’s coming because the cards don’t lie.

And sure enough, as soon as Corinne gets Nick alone, she starts twisting the truth and painting a false narrative of Taylor as the aggressor and Corinne as the victim. Taylor tries ineffectively to reverse the damage Corinne has done with her fake news and alternative facts, but in this alternate upside down reality, alternative facts are the facts, and we know how this story ends. Instead of picking the girl who is at least a qualified and rationale choice for a wife, he picks the obnoxious train wreck who’s only doing this for fame. Even though I’ve been a Taylor Hater since Day 1, this move is preposterous, and everyone involved knows it. Even Nick is blushing with embarrassment as he and Corinne awkwardly climb back into their boat leaving Taylor to reassess her life choices and the meaning of the world alone in the woods. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Did you notice . . .

** We don’t get to see this until the credits, but Nick’s conversation with Alexis on the group date, centering around her legitimate fear of Nicolas Cage, is amazing. WHY are they showing me clips of Danielle L. telling Nick she maybe is falling for him, or of Danielle M. barely talking at all, and putting these Alexis nuggets of gold at the end of the episode!?! The producers and editors really fucked this season up by not giving her more screen time because she is so much funnier and better in all respects than anything that comes out of Corinne’s mouth. #JUSTICEFORALEXIS 

“Realistically, I don’t see Nick and Corinne getting married at the end of this” is the understatement of the century. 

“If I see a ghost I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” 

Of course Danielle L. believes in and is afraid of ghosts. I actually LOLed when she said this date was going to be “a challenge” for her. 

“I had a great time. I did not squeal.” - Nick ....

The real loser in the Battle of the Bayou is Rachel, who is forced to spend an entire day alone in the house with Taylor and Corinne.

Nick is fucking terrible at being the Bachelor. I know I’ve gone on and on about how disingenuous he is, but it’s driving me nuts. Sure, every Bachelor has to say dumb shit like “From Bourbon Street to the Bayou, I can’t imagine a better place to fall in love.” but literally every single time he addresses the girls and in most of his 1-on-1 conversations it feels like he’s reciting Bachelor Canon because he couldn’t be bothered to think of anything real to say at any point along the way.

They say if you get close to the woods you can still hear Taylor whispering “but I have a Masters ...”

Minority Report: Interestingly enough, and despite the fact that they don’t appear to have any connection with Nick whatsoever, Jasmine and Jaimi are still around. I know this is cynical, but between Nick’s lazy approach and coziness with the producers, it feels like he agreed to make sure a few black girls stuck around long enough until the producers / Bachelor Nation could pick one they liked and move forward with the whole Blachelorette campaign. Now I know what you’re thinking: c’mon Jen, that’s racist. Well ... so is The Bachelor.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 4: Ex Mates and Shitty Dates

We annoyingly pick back up at the end of the pool party to see that the girls have not yet realized they are stuck in a shitty West World loop where they sit around and complain about Corinne, assuming Nick is “better than this,” without yet realizing that he doesn’t actually care about any of them and their feelings do not matter. A few feet away Nick is being scolded by Vanessa, which obviously scares him as he more or less begs her to “be patient” while he continues to make a fool out of himself and the rest of the women.  Corinne is sleeping off-camera, uninterested in Nick’s transparent speech about how he appreciates everyone’s *openness* yet, somehow, still feels like he’s “making the right decisions.” 

Jasmine provides a flabbergasted in-camera realization that Corinne doesn’t even have a rose and yet is so confident in her *connection* with Nick that she has yet again opted-out of participating. Eventually Taylor and Sarah take it upon themselves to let Corinne know that her shit “hasn’t looked the best,” which is like telling Trump that he’s “sort of unpopular.” After Sarah tells Corinne that she needs to pull it together because she’s embarrassing her parents and coming off super entitled, Corinne offers up the alternative fact that she is not privileged.

After this unsurprisingly ineffective *confrontation,* Corinne goes on to “wonder” why Sarah and Taylor are so obsessed with her. And by “wonder,” I mean very knowingly point out that, much like our old pal Chad, she has taken up an enormous amount of real estate in everyone’s brain, and is there to stay whether they like it or not. She’s the only thing that the girls are talking about; she’s getting the most attention from me and everyone else watching; even Chris Harrison pulls Nick aside before the rose ceremony to talk about her. But then again, this was her plan the entire time. And it’s one we’ve seen before from the OG villain Courtney Robertson. Get on the show and be obnoxiously sexual with the Bachelor while simultaneously being insensitive, irrational and offensive to the girls, and then start saying ridiculous shit like “I love the taste of victory” or “we’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle.” And why not take this route (besides all the obvious reasons like, for example, your future) when it leads to maximum screen time and your name in lights for a few extra minutes?

Home Sweet Home

“Get ready to travel around the world! Starting with .... Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!” While the girls feign excitement over flying from California to Wisconsin, we get a head with Nick and meet up with his parents in a quaint little diner in Waukesha, Wisconsin. Within the first 23 seconds of being on-screen (yes, I counted), Nick’s mom is crying. I mean, I would be too if this were my son, but come ON lady do you not have any other tricks in those bags under your eyes? As it turns out, no, she does not. Nick spends his time with his weepy mother and beta father explaining that he has finally lowered his guard and thinks he can find love this time. Now if you’re me you might have stopped and said “wait, what guard?!” before remembering the guard that kept him from going on this show and trying to propose to someone not once, but twice. Yeah, that “guard.”

Giggles and Girlfriends

After meeting up with the girls in the park, Nick whisks Danielle L. away for a date consisting of walking around town like “normal people.” As this date goes on and they force awkward conversations about nothing, I start to notice that Danielle L. giggles literally every time she opens her mouth to speak. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s just nervous, but I’m a cynical asshole, so I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t have much of a personality and it’s the only way she knows how to feign interest. At one point when they’re strolling down the street they walk past a cafe and just so happen to run into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends whom he dated some undisclosed amount of time ago. Interestingly enough, I know someone who indirectly knows this girl. Turns out this girl hasn’t spoken to Nick for over 10 years and she is happily married with two kids. One day she got a call from the producers who offered her cash to come on the show and “surprise” Nick in this scene. They told her what to say about Nick, she was handed her money, and went on her merry way.

Later that night Danielle continues to giggle while just barely keeping her nipples in her dress. She gives the whole my-parents-got-divorced-so-I’m-more-mature-than-most-24-year-olds speech, and tries to spin her lack of knowledge about Nick as wanting to be open-minded. It’s all pretty transparent, seeing as she was 100% recruited to be on this show and has no intention of marrying Nick. Then again, does anyone? And if so, we should probably get them some help.

America’s Dairyland

Obviously all of the girls would rather be in a spa eating a taco, Corinne, but you can’t get to Bachelor in Paradise without going on at least 1-2 terrible group dates.  So even though Nick has clearly never been to a farm, he and the girls get to do some farm chores because Wisconsin is famous for cheese and this was the most creative the writers could get. Even more creative is the main storyline for this group date: Corinne and her unwillingness to do any chores. We get a little comical relief at the expense of Jaimi’s sexuality when Nick can’t manage to work the teat so Jaimi the resident bisexual has to come in and show him how its done, but even this feels lazy. After we’re treated to extensive footage of the girls shoveling cow shit, Corinne decides to take a seat away from the action because her fingers hurt....

Later that night, Astrid starts to gain sentience as she asks “how many more group conversations are we going to have about Corinne?” finally realizing they are all stuck in a loop and that maybe, just maybe, none of this matters. As the girls continue on their loop, Corinne listens from just outside the room and decides its time to take action. She starts by recycling an old Bachelor gag by comparing herself to a vegetable and then aggressively grabs her chest, demanding to know if THIS behavior is immature. And in this moment, she pushes it too far. I’m not laughing anymore because this is tired and transparent, and I feel insulted that she (and the producers) think that this dog and pony show is entertaining. I mean, yes, it’s entertaining but COME ON. It’s been done before. 

With some encouragement from the producers, Corinne decides to present herself to the group for a hearing on the reality of her immaturity. Unfortunately, Sarah is the senator chose to question Corinne’s intentions for the group and she blows it. Instead of attacking Corinne’s disingenuously shitty character, she decides to focus on Corinne’s rose ceremony nap. Sensing weakness, Corinne pounces and goes on and on about how SORRY she is for taking a nap, knowing full well that the girls’ issues are larger than her one nap. The only person we see really getting under Corinne’s skin is Kristina, the Russian spy who ultimately wins the night. Earlier Kristina stole Nick first and had a great chat about how she wants to tell him all about her past as a Russian oligarch’s daughter who almost died in a bus crash but then was rendered blind until she was pistol whipped by her captive 20 years later, but doesn’t ever seem to have much time with him because he’s dating 25 other women. Feeling invigorated by Nick telling her that he loves her “zest for life,” Kristina hits Corinne with a “right reasons” accusation and barely lets Corinne get a word in as she brushes off her false claim of having a “medical condition” that kept her from participating in the rose ceremony. After confusing Corinne with her broken English and calling her out for lying about a panic attack, Corinne gives up and walks away. Kristina ends up getting the group date rose for the night, putting the cherry on top of the first successful Corinne Confrontation of the season.

That’s So Raven

Raven drew the short straw this week by getting the “realistic and meaningful” date with Nick which includes going to Bella’s soccer game with Nick and his parents. Unsubscribe. Having played soccer all my life, there is nothing worse than watching young girls play the sport. Nick’s mom shockingly manages to make it through her 1 minute of screen time without crying. After the soccer game, Bella and the gang opt-out of showering and instead go to the local indoor skating rink where Nick shows off his super cool skating moves and makes out with Raven in front of his parents and sister. Later that night Raven tells Nick a tale as old as time about this one time she caught her boyfriend cheating on her. But it’s not your average I-walked-in-on-him story. Instead, she purportedly got a call from a friend who said that some girl was about to fuck her boyfriend, prompting her to get in her car and drive to Arkansas to confront him. When she gets there, the bedroom door is obviously locked (even though she was out of town so he had nothing to hide?) so she KICKS IT OPEN to see her boyfriend thrusting into a stranger’s vagina. 

She proceeds to launch herself at them, scratching her boyfriend and beating him over the head with a shoe. The best part about this entire story is the low key demeanor in which she tells it -- as if all of this is normal everyday life and not something resembling a scene from Jerry Springer. 

Roses are Rude

Despite having a rose, Danielle L. breaks the cardinal rule of cocktail parties and steals Nick away to have a one-sided nonsensical conversation about how she’s just gonna “go for it” and “put herself out there.” This awkward conversation is made even more awkward by resident know-it-all Taylor who interrupts them by just standing next to the bench and not saying anything. While Taylor and other girls get their time with Nick, Corinne is busy inhaling apps and talking to Josephine with her mouth full about how gross Taylor is...lol. Josephine, having clearly figured out that the best way to get screen time is to be the Karen Smith to Corinne’s Regina George, agrees with Corinne and points out that everyone has been talking about Corinne behind her back...except her. 

After bulking up, Corinne decides she’s not going to be fake so grabs Taylor by the hand like they’re pals and leads her outside to confront her about how "disgusting” Taylor’s behavior towards her has been. Taylor one again does an incredibly good job of calmly trying to explain to Corinne why she’s terrible, but because Corinne is a child, she locks on to one word--intelligent--and starting shouting that she’s not stupid. Well, it’s pretty clear that in a lot of ways Corinne is a stupid little girl who has no business “running” a multi-million dollar company or marrying a 36-year-old, but I also recognize that she set this up herself to guarantee more screen time, so it’s not completely accurate to call her unintelligent. Taylor hasn’t yet figured out that you can’t rationalize with an irrational person, and so we’re left with a “to be continued” even though, thanks to past seasons and the guarantee that Nick will never do the right thing, we know exactly how this will end.

Did you notice . . .

We are not impressed by your use of the word “plethora,” Taylor.

Nick definitely gets his limp dick from his dad.

“Everything is good now and everything is great in the world.” Lol just wait until November, Raven. 

I find it incredibly hard to believe that Danielle L. didn’t have her first kiss until she was 17. I had an afro 1/2 of my childhood and still was able to find a boy to make out with in 5th grade. Sure, he ended up becoming a druggie, dropping out of high school, and allegedly having an affair with my old drama teacher (who later got fired for embezzling school funds), but that’s not the point.

Raven shows up to the date with noticeably longer hair than she’s had at any point in the season. If you’re going to rock some wack extensions, you gotta rock them the whole time girl.

Alexis’s biggest fears are Nicolas Cage and aliens. Same, tbh. It’s pretty clear that Alexis is sticking around because she’s hilarious and easy to talk to. She really deserves more screen time.

I’m just going to leave THIS right here .... you’re welcome.

Minority Report: I think we’ve set a record for number of black girls (3) to make it past week 4!! I’m not sure how much longer we have Jasmine or Jamimi, but I’m still holding out hope that Rachel is able to overcome her *disability* of being a black girl on the Bachelor and make it to the top 4. 

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 3 Recap: A Lot of Bouncing

This week’s Beard Hunk doesn’t quite leave us where we left off last week.  If you recall, Nick had just sent Liz packing, and, tail between his legs, walked back to tell the remainder of women on the group date that he and Liz had terrible sex 9 months ago and he failed to tell anyone when she “appeared” on the show. But this week picks up the following day and we only see a montage of girls obsessing over Nick’s actions before it’s time for the cocktail party to start. But before we can get started with the night’s round of speed dating, Nick gets a chance to tell his side of the Liz story, glossing over the awkward sex and the fact that she flat out said “I don’t want your number.” It’s all pretty rehearsed and insincere, which is on brand. Admittedly, I was paying more attention to his floral print tie than his words.

After Nick invites the girls to participate in a Reddit AMA about him and Liz, he spends the rest of the night reassuring the women that he does, in fact, have a dick and Liz is clearly a TV fame whore. At no point in the night do we see Nick actually apologize for his dishonesty. The closest we get to remorse is Nick telling Danielle L. that he was particularly worried about how she felt, because she’s super hot and out of his league. After a few dull conversations, the Corinne Show starts back up again. Because she “knows how to turn on the sex charm,” Corinne corners Nick outside, wielding whipped cream and wearing nothing but a trench coat. Corinne’s launches into an “I really like you” speech only to be interrupted by Nick asking if she’s in a dress or a coat. As if Nick can’t see the tell tale signs of a Varsity Blues reenactment. After making him actually eat a mouth full of whipped cream, Corinne pulls out her left boob, covers it in whipped cream, and demands he lick it off.

AND HE DOES!!! I’m not sure why this surprised me SO much, but like, COME ON. He eventually starts to get nervous as his eyes dart off camera to a producer, clearly worried that someone is going to see them and wanting to know if the coast is clear. It was, for the time being, so Corinne goes ahead and flashes Nick AGAIN. At this point, Nick starts explaining in a voice over that he’s “really juggling trying to appreciate Corinne while also being respectful of the women in the house.”

Pretty impressive juggling, Nick.  Eventually Jasmine walks by, pretending to have no idea what’s going on and saves Nick from more fake juggling. In a puzzling turn of events, Corinne becomes self-aware for just a moment, worrying that she went too far and made things awkward. She’s clearly just wasted at this point, and since she’s used to getting about 16 hours of sleep per day it’s time for a nap. But it’s also time for the rose ceremony. Obviously no one bothered to wake her up because she’s a terrible disaster, but this is also another example of how these girls keep giving Nick the benefit of the doubt when he does. not. deserve. it. They thought he would get mad and punish her. Maybe take away her rose and make her participate in the ceremony. But he does none of this. Instead, he gives us yet another circus metaphor, telling us that it’s a difficult balancing act between validating Corinne’s behavior and keeping the other women from thinking he’s validating her behavior. And then. sure enough, he validates her behavior by doing and saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 

Awesome balancing act, Nick. 

Rock Your Body, Right?

Okay so I would definitely freak out for 2 minutes if BSB showed up in my living room, but then I would be like, “wait, do you really have NOTHING better to do?” Well, no. Not really. So the first group of girls and Nick head off to some LA studio where the Backstreet Boys teach them choreography (aka “planned dancing”) so they can all perform *live* on stage later that night. Corinne struggles through this group date because she’s not a good planned dancer and because Nick can’t take his eyes off Danielle L. She claims she’s “not a cry baby” and doesn’t throw a fit when the attention isn’t on her ... but then cries and runs away because the attention isn’t on her. Her “meltdown,” as well as the remainder of the date is pretty underwhelming. Even though Jasmine is an actual professional dancer, Danielle L. is the main focus. Neither Nick, the cameraman or the 5th Backstreet Boy no one ever remembers can keep their eyes off Danielle L. So she *wins* this portion of the date and as punishment a reward, she gets to slow dance with Nick on stage to an acapella rendition of “I Want It That Way.”

Later that night, we see Nick and Danielle L. getting some quality alone time, but it all feels pretty fake. Not just because she’s an actress and would never give him the time of day in real life, but because she’s an actress and would never give him the time of day in real life. Back at the camp fire, Corinne has just woken from a quick cat nap and joins a comically stereotypical conversation about boob jobs and kids which quickly turns into a Raquel reveal. The women are floored to hear that Corinne has a “nanny” that makes her bed, slices her vegetables and makes her cheese pasta (more commonly known as mac and cheese). Jasmine’s reaction is everyone’s reaction:

Yes, she DID just say nanny. Yes, she IS a 24-year-old. Yes, she IS the worst person you have ever met in your life. Jasmine is so drunk shocked by the news that she ends up wiping out on her way back from the bathroom. 

No Gravity. Lots of Tears.

The Zero-Gravity plane is definitely cooler than the Backstreet Boys, but less cool than, say, dating a guy who doesn’t lick whipped cream of a 24 year old’s chest before and after making out with your roommates. As I imagine most dates with Nick go, everything is going *swell* until Vanessa starts throwing up. She is able to look fairly poised as she barfs, even though Nick is all over her like a needy little rodent, rubbing her feet and up her pant legs as she yacks into a barf bag. Later that night, Vanessa tells a moving story about the day she buried her grandfather (conveniently right before she came here) and how someone gave her a rose so this is all *fate* (or something like that). After this moving story, she asks some hard hitting questions like why he’s doing this for a 4th time after getting shit on so many times. Nick explains that its hard to pay bills and your rent when you aren’t employed or making appearances, and you can’t do that if you’re just a two time loser with no compelling love story. The openness and honesty of this conversation moves Nick, and me, to tears.

Track, Field, and Bouncing

The second date is considerably less exciting than dancing behind the Backstreet Boys. Of course Olympians should get us more excited, but ABC is going to be hard pressed to find a Bachelor fan who gives a shit about the first US woman to win gold in the shot put. Luckily, Astrid decided to make the date more interesting for everyone by not wearing a real sports bra despite rocking double Ds. Astrid, honey, no man--especially this one--is worth running around in an unsupportive sports bra for. After a serious of actual track and field events, Rachel, Alexis and Astrid—due in part because of her javelin throw and larger part by dem titties—are selected to race each other to grab a fake engagement ring. Despite coming in 3rd place, Astrid manages to grab the ring, or what’s left of it, off the ground and wins the prize of a make out session with Nick in a hot tub. Later that night, Dominique continues to spiral about Nick not paying attention to her, so Rachel takes her into the bathroom and gives her a very reasonable pep talk. Notably, even though Dominique ends up getting sent home before the end of the date, this whole part of the episode was very boring. It’s not a coincidence, of course, seeing as most of the younger girls were either left at the house or on the first date. But this reflects the Catch 22 that is the Bachelor. You want to see drama and girls say dumb shit, but you also want to see people find *genuine love*. It’s hard to find *genuine love* when you cast a bunch of 24 year olds to date a 36 year old, but it’s also hard to keep people interested if you don’t have a Corinne flashing her nip every other scene. This is, of course, one of the countless reasons why these pairings almost never work out in real life, further emphasizing the conclusion that this show is ultimately about 15 minutes of fame and finding new people to push Fit Tea on Instagram, not about finding love.

Straddling Someone In a Bouncy Castle. No.

I’m a big fan of pool parties replacing the cocktail parties because people end up getting wasted after drinking in the sun all day. It also provides time for stunts like Corinne’s bouncy castle. To no one’s surprise, Corinne does not join the pool party but instead, lures Nick out to the driveway where the producers Raquel have inflated a bouncy castle for Nick and Corinne to dry-hump in. As if this wasn’t enough and “Very unfair!,” Corinne squeals loudly with excitement so the girls sitting just 10 feet away can hear her. Almost as if it was staged (lol), the girls peek their heads out into the driveway to see Corinne bouncing on top of Nick.

Most of them get fed up watching Corinne and Nick dry-hump and head back to the pool to plot their “I’m disappointed in you” talk with Nick.  Sure enough, Raven kicks things off by saying that on behalf of all the small business owners on this show, he is making a huge mistake with Corinne. Nick seems to have missed the whole nanny memo, but he isn’t as disgusted / appalled / turned off as a 36 year old would imagine. That may be because he’s connected the dots that she’s loaded. Or he doesn’t care because he thinks with a dick and this is all just another step to landing himself in the reality tv hall of fame. Or, he just doesn’t respect these women. Assuming it’s #3, because it is, he lets the criticism wash over him like a sheepish alter boy, avoiding eye contact with all the drunk girls lecturing him. That is, until Vanessa pulls him aside and dresses him down. Nick, being the piece of shit that he is, tries to tell Vanessa he “doesn’t know what she saw” --- but Vanessa claps back that “it was enough for her to walk away after 2 seconds.” 

Hell yeah it was, because that was shameless and gross and pretty god damn offensive. Especially after he just said he didn’t want people thinking he wasn’t here for the #rightreasons and CRIED in her arms the night before. So, Vanessa asks, why the fuck would you hump a 24-year-old with a nanny in front of everyone and on TV? And before you can answer, just know that Vanessa isn’t judging Corinne, she’s judging Nick’s actions.  Well that’s very admirable, Vanessa. But we’re also judging Corinne....

Did you notice . . .

Elizabeth (we’re always like “who the hell is that) says that she might not be able to stay if Nick fucks anyone before the Fantasy Suite. But, after the Fantasy Suite is okay?

Corinne’s intonation when she complains about watching Danielle L. and Nick make out in front of her faaaaace.

Alexis says “move bitches” when she steps down to get her rose. Love her.

Corinne saying she was asleep with her nips exposed on the group date. Like what is with this girl and her nipples. We get it! You have nipples!

I’d bet you $100 Ivanka Trump also calls mac and cheese “cheese pasta.”

“I could be one of the last ones standing.” - Rachel. It’s funny how she doesn’t say “I could be engaged.” Almost like she knows there’s 0% chance Nick would actually get fake-engaged to...

Josephine’s audition for America’s Got Talent during the credits. Yikes.

Minority Report: Jasmine just barely got the final rose this last ceremony, but we lost Dominique in an unceremonious dismissal fitting her time, or lack thereof, on the show. At least Rachel got the group date rose, so it kind of all evened out?

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 2: XOXO, Gossip Girl

With so many dumb girls milling around the Bachelor mansion, still drunk from the night before and starving for carbs and attention, I'm sure it's difficult to not make the first few episodes of the show feel over-produced. Jk. We're in Season 21 and Nick is our Bachelor: everything is over-produced. That being said, this week felt particularly cringe-worthy. We kick things off with our sleep-deprived divas trying to convince us that the only thing they've been able to think about since arriving 12 hours ago is Nick. Not their phones, their families, their jobs, the presidential election. Only NICK VIALL. Right.

Enter Chris Harrison, who reminds the women that they only way they're going to stand out with this many girls in the house is to be memorable slutty. This piece of unsolicited and sexist advice triggers Manchurian Candidate Corinne, and it's all downhill from here.

Something Old. Something New. Something Topless. Something Rude.

The first group date of the episode is ultimate Bachelor irony. Actually, it feels like a storyline cooked up by Quinn and Rachel on UnREAL. The girls gleefully drive three Buick convertibles down the street to a mansion usually used to shoot adult films. Once parked, they're made to jog into the backyard where they meet up with a heavily spray-tanned man named Franco who is almost definitely an actor and/or one of the producer's friends. There, the producers dangle the possibility of marriage in front of them while simultaneously cheapening the entire experience. What's more? They've all been drinking since they arrived, and have to watch each other pose and make out with Nick. This is Bachelor 101. An incredibly basic premise that is guaranteed to spawn all sorts of jealousy, desperation, and insecurity.

The pawn at the center of this whole *experiment* is none other than that girl you wished you hadn't started a conversation with at a party: Corinne. To absolutely no one's surprise, this bitch has never been a bridesmaid. But keep in mind she's 24 and probably only hangs out with older club promoters, so this warrants no more than an eyeroll. Photog Franco, who is probably shooting a porn after this group date, *coincidentally* makes Corinne a bikini bride, and like the Manchurian Candidate that she is, all she can talk about is how sexy she looks and how it makes sense that she would be the nearly naked bride. Enter Brittany (who?), who is actually topless and actually looks very pretty. Corinne is, of course, very uncomfortable because she was programmed to be the star.

And A STAR SHE WILL BE. Left with no other options, Corinne takes her top off and *forces* Nick to hold her boobs in front of the other girls. It's pretty obvious that they made Corinne go last so everyone would be drunk enough to get pissed, and it works. Adding insult to injury, Franco picks Corinne as the "winner" of the group date, because, as she puts it, she was actually daring enough to have clothes and then take them off. Later that night Corinne continues to "project her sexuality" on Nick, stealing him first and immediately going in for the make out. Hilariously, Nick says that he's been "really impressed with Corinne so far." Yeah, having absolutely no shame is truly impressive. And she continues to impress me by interrupting other girls not once, but twice after her original make out session.

Now naturally this pisses everyone off, but NO ONE says or DOES anything about it! Ladies, I hate to repeat Corinne's advice here, but like, fucking go interrupt her and take your time. You came here "for Nick" or at least to be on TV, so fucking take what is yours! But they won't, because they're all fucking idiots. This is underscored by the repeated in-camera interviews were girls like Taylor try to convince themselves that Corinne "isn't what Nick wants" and that Nick is "better than Corinne." Taylor: get a clue. Or a job. Or watch a single episode of Andi or Kaitlyn's season. Or just like, go to a bar in River North. Then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't sit here thinking that a guy like Nick isn't going to go for a girl like Corinne. Because he is. And sure enough, he proves it by giving Corinne the group date rose.

In between flashes of Corinne we see Raven getting some quality time in with Nick, but is any time with Nick actually quality time? For example, Raven let's Nick know she was cheated on before, and Nick's response was to direct the conversation to him and talk about how he's been cheated on. Everything he says feels so disingenuous, but that's because he always finds a way to make things about himself. So if we're being real, him and Corinne are actually perfect for each other. But we're not being real, because this is reality TV. There was, however, a perfect moment of reality TV after Taylor re-interrupts Corinne and Corinne confronts her. Corinne is pissed because "that's not the way to go about things." The way to go about things is to be "classy" [take your top off] and not direct your disrespect "towards any one person" ... just the entire group. Taylor handles the confusing assault incredibly well. Then again, anyone with an IQ over 70 shouldn't have much difficulty defending themselves against a drunk clown. Corinne quickly forgets about Taylor, gushing with pride for herself for stepping out of her comfort zone "in many different times and angles."

Playa Say What?

The second half of the episode was dedicated to the history between Liz and Nick. I can't decide if Liz is this dumb, or just starving for Instagram fame. On the one hand, I can see how a producer could convince her that Nick would love to see her again, they already have an established connection, and she'll probably go far. On the other hand, she seems pretty dumb. Sitting around the mansion all day with nothing to do but drink, tan, and get in her own head, Liz confides in Gretchen Wieners that she is Jade's best friend, didn't memorize her maid of honor speech at the wedding, and also slept with Nick. She emphasizes how wasted she was when it happened, and also how awkward it was. "Like, super awkward."

She mentions intermittent sex and talking, which is something we've heard before. This all but confirms my suspicion that Nick is actually terrible in bed. That's why it didn't work out with Andi. And sure, he fucked Kaitlyn and still made it to the final two, but that sneaky fuck sesh probably didn't give him tons of time to talk while inside of her.

The Nice Girl 

It's pretty easy to forget that Nick went on a 1-on-1 date this episode, but there's a reason for that. Danielle M. doesn't make good TV because she's not terrible like the rest of the girls. She seems like a very sweet girl and has a real job. Does she pack a lot of personality? No. But not everyone can be Alexis or Corinne or the Genie from Aladdin. There can't be complex hoes without basic bitches, and Danielle M. is that nice basic bitch. She'll stick around awhile because she's probably one of the only "real" women who, despite being pretty bland, is one of the only realistic choices in terms of actual marriage and not just Hollywood Instagram-fame. This is probably why she gets the first 1-on-1 date. She's got the hometown Wisconsin vibe and they need to get her tragedy out and on camera because she's going to fade to the back for the next 7 weeks before ultimately getting cut. During dinner, Nick goes on and on about himself and being on the Bachelorette twice and heartbreak, and Danielle M. just keeps nodding, looking bored. This whole Bachelorette story sounds like Hillary repeatedly listing her years of accomplishments during the debates while contrasting Donald's years of housing discrimination and golden showers. We get it. You get it. You're here. We're listening. Can we please talk about something else? Anything.

We Need to Talk . . .

The theme of this date -- breakups -- is comically opposite to the first in every way. The first stop is the "Museum of Broken Relationships,"  which cannot possibly be a thing that existed prior to the filming of this episode. This "museum" houses an uncomfortable amount of random shit that people have "left behind" from their broken relationships. Umm, what? Left behind from where? No one can convince me that people come to museums to break up, or that they send objects from their failed relationships to be put on display for other weirdoes to look at. First of all, where are all the dildos? Second, USPS is incredibly unreliable. Sure enough, at least one loser has donated to this museum: Nick. After a rehearsed speech about himself and how Andi and Kaitlyn led him to be the Bachelor, the women are given the task of preparing breakup monologues for Nick. Everything is funny and light-hearted, especially when loose cannon Josephine smacks Nick across the face. Until, that is, it's Liz's turn. Upset and insecure, she pulls out a NOTEPAD to start her breakup. Immediately, Nick diverts his eyes like the pussy that he is.

But he knows what's coming. And it's AWFUL. More cringe worthy than Corinne's nipples, Liz goes on and on--in detail--about meeting him in a hallway, at a wedding, and essentially blames him for not chasing after her, even though she wasn't ready to let him in. Or at least, in farther than just the tip. The audience is silent and all of the girls but Gretchen Wieners look confused. Gretchen tries to play it cool and pretend that she has no idea what's going on,

but it's not very convincing. Liz's breakup is followed by more awkward silence and her finally saying "okay we can be done." Thank fucking god. For some reason, after this, NOT A SINGLE GIRL asks what the fuck that was all about. They mention it was detailed and weird and awkward, but don't say anything to Liz or Nick. Literally no girl, after hearing the hallway comment, and the wedding comment, was like -- umm, I have a few follow up questions? Nick spends the rest of the date stressing out about Liz, but it's pretty easy to see through his feigned concern for the other women. In a voiceover he tries to sell that he's concerned because he doesn't want the girls to think he's been lying to them (which he has), but in reality, he's concerned about what she actually said and how much of "her side" has been leaked. So while Jaimi reveals she's dated girls, and Kristina talks about growing up in a country that may or may not be controlling the United States, all Nick can think about is who knows what. It's smarmy and pathetic and incredible on brand. Finally, Gretchen Wieners spills the beans to him and he's able to tell his side of the story. At this point, he knows he has to get rid of Liz before she tells more people about how terrible he is in bed, so pulls her away for 1-on-1 time. They're gone for a long time which eventually leads the girls to wonder what's going on between them after her awkward-ass breakup speech. Gretchen Wieners refuses to rat Liz out,

but making it pretty clear there's something going on. And sure enough, it is. Nick confronts Liz with the whole "right reasons" question, and Liz's answer is just awful. She didn't ask for his number because she didn't know him. But then didn't want to ask for it and give him the wrong impression because she knew he was in Paradise. And even though he was only in Paradise for a month, she knew he had "other things" going on and just wasn't the type of person who liked to talk on the phone. We don't need Nick to point out to us that the more she talks, the less sense she makes, but it's the nail in her coffin. Finally Nick tells Liz that, while he admires her lack of shame courage for coming on this show and putting herself and her sexual history out there, she's milked this situation for all it's worth and it's time to go.

Now that he's gotten rid of Liz, he has to do the hardest thing of all: tell the women. Come clean. Be honest. Of course this is going to be difficult, because being a decent person isn't easy. Especially for a selfish little bitch like Nick. Before dropping the bomb he expresses concern that it's not the right time. But when is it ever a good time to tell your 26 girlfriends that you slept with one of them already? That you've been lying to them since Day 1? That you actually have no dick? I guess we'll find out next week. You know you love me.

XOXO,

Gossip Girl.

Corinne's Corner

There were too many good quotes to incorporate or ignore coming from this girl's articitially plumped up mouth, so here are my favorites:

I just want to be with him. Be with him. And hopefully, I will."

"I was daring enough to have clothes, and take them off."

"Brittany is half naked, and that should be me."

"Like he held my boobs, okay. No one has ever held my boobs like that. Or ever will."

"I really like Nick. When I was talking to him, he was listening."

"Today was just a dream come true. I stepped out of my comfort zone in many different times and angles. Dad would be so proud. Even though I was naked. HE would be proud."

"As long as there's no situation about the situation, we're okay."

"I just put myself out there and I just was myself. That's it. That's all I did, guys. Literally. I was just Corinne."  Yeah, we saw...

Did you notice ...

"I'm ready for the women to see me as me, instead of the guy they've seen on TV."  - Nick....but wait...

Alexis looks like Jade. But she's much cooler. From dolphin/shark to pregnant wife. She's definitely my favorite. Especially when she was resting her drink on her fake pregnant belly.

The girls on the first group date want to give Brittany the benefit of the doubt. They’re jealous of her, but they don’t mind because she didn’t choose to be topless. She was born that way.

The girls complained about being a bridesmaids, but Liz could have told them that's not a bad thing when it comes to Nick.

Did you notice that Liz's big reveal to Gretchen Wieners actually happened over three different scenes? I'm guessing this is because Liz wasn't giving enough detail the first two times and the producers really wanted to get the whole sex thing out there.

On the boat during their 1-on-1 date, Nick makes Danielle M. face the sun after snagging some cheese and then the better spot. SMH.

After hearing they were going to act out breakup scenes, Nick turns to Josephine and says "I'm most worried about you" as she says "violence."

Minority Report: No rose ceremony this week so nothing to report. But noticeably we didn't really see any of our chocolate ladies this week. That's probably a good thing since we were so focused on crazy white girls, but still, can we get more camera time for the lesbian with the nose ring? 

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 1: Old Dog, Same Tricks

"From bad boy to Bachelor. We’ve all seen Nick grow.” But, have we? First of all, at no point in his life has Nick ever been a bad boy. He was (and still is) just a douchey toolbag who loves bracelets and fucking girls on TV. And I’m pretty sure he’s still that same person. Sure, he came off as more mature and almost cool on the most recent season of Paradise. But keep in mind that everyone else on that show was either (1) in their early 20s; and/or (2) retarded. So forgive me if I remain skeptical AF that Nick is going to be any different this season. Sure enough, as soon as his promo starts rolling my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Like the rest of the world, he’s *shocked* to be the Bachelor, because he’s been on this show looking like a goddamn fool since January 2013. 

But don’t think he hasn’t learned from his mistakes. He knows his eyes are shifty, he always looks bored, he’s long-winded, and a tool. But getting his heart broken by two unemployed reality stars has taught him a lot, and he’s ready to show us what he’s learned. Gag. But before we can get to the ladies, Nick sits down with the Ghosts of Bachelor’s Past for one more reminder that (1) everyone thinks he sucks; (2) he was cool on Paradise; (3) he’s totally going to find love. 

That’s Me In the Spotlight.  

As in years past, we start by meeting a few girls that ABC wants us to keep our eyes on this season:

Rachel: She’s a 31-year-old corporate defense attorney who runs fake meetings and takes sloppy notes on a legal pad. But like all corporate lawyers, she works hard AND plays hard by .... vacuuming! 

Danielle M.: Our first small business owner who opened her first nail salon at age 23 thanks to daddy. She’s definitely one to watch, mostly because she’s so hot and reminds me of Brit.

Vanessa: Despite the fact that she’s a special needs teacher sporting 4-inch heels and skinny jeans to work, Vanessa--much like Rachel--seems like an intelligent, cultured woman who may have accidentally signed up for this show instead of The Apprentice. 

Josephine: 

Raven: Yet another small business owner whose voice and long black hair reminds me of Pensatucky from Orange is the New Black (minus the whole meth thing).

Corinne: THE WORST. Instantly, the worst. She “runs” her family business, which is worth millions by the way. She lives with her parents. And. AND. Her childhood nanny RAQUEL!! My god. Raquel.  Pray for Raquel.  

Alexis: The troll of the group, Alexis makes it pretty clear right away that she will do literally anything for laughs because her parents neglected her as a child.

Danielle L.: Immediately giving me Whitney vibes with her terrible high voice and respectable job working with babies. She seems incredibly *nice* (read: boring and lacking personality), but I’m sure she’ll make it far because in another life Nick would end up with her.

Taylor: A “mental health counselor” with a Masters from Johns Hopkins who should definitely know better than to sign up for this show. Then again, she’s 23 and has clearly never actually worked as a mental health counselor before. She also mentions that both white and black girls don’t like her because she’s biracial, but I’m guessing the real reason is that shes just terrible. 

Liz: I have so many problems with Liz, and we will get to all of them in due time, but first and foremost: it was tacky AF to read her Maid of Honor speech from her iPhone at a televised Bachelor wedding. 

You Don’t Have to Put on the Red Light.

The limo entrances this year left much to be desired, but I think that’s a good sign that not all of these girls are daft. From what we saw, the entrances can be categorized as either cute, terrible, or sexual. In the “cute” group we have the normal girls like Vanessa and Danielle M. and Sarah (the “runner up”). I also liked Rachel’s reference to her fantasy league because she’s just like us! In fact, that could be you one day! But then I’d be writing about how you dumb you sound. In the category of “terrible” entrances, we have the likes of Christen, a wedding videographer in a tacky yellow prom dress from Forever 21 who waves a Chinese fan around and then talks to Nick in a baby voice. I hate her so much. Not surprisingly, Josephine placed herself in this category by showing up with a terrible wig and offering Nick an uncooked hot dog.

Taylor also confirms that she is as dumb as she looks by letting Nick know that all of her friends think he’s a complete piece of shit. But don’t worry, she doesn’t believe them and is totally here for the #rightreasons. A considerable number of women went with the “sex” route, because apparently ABC is sex-positive only when it’s The Bachelor. Hailey lets him know she’s not wearing underwear, which is pretty nasty given the 12+ hours they have to spend sitting around that house sweating, drinking and vying for his attention. Astrid offers up her titties while speaking German, while Lacey shows up on a camel and makes a lame “hump” joke. Liz is the last sex-related entrance worth mentioning, because she has already had sex with him. She isn’t sure if Nick is going to remember her, but as soon as she steps out of the limo and his eyes get shifty it’s pretty obvious he knows exactly who she is. The question is whether he knew this was coming, or if he’s just terrible at playing it cool. Maybe both. Chris Harrison, however, is pretty terrible at playing it cool and makes it pretty obvious this was all a set up.

Shark or Dolphin?

Once all the girls have arrived, Nick kicks off the cocktail party with a sappy pre-rehearsed speech about how he’s looking for a woman who feels empowered and will be his partner and that every woman is worth dating. I think he’s trying to do this thing called “feminism,” but he doesn’t quite stick the landing because everything about him screams “I’m a beta bitch boy.” Throughout the night the girls talk about how *hot* Nick is and how they wish they hadn’t worn red. Meanwhile, Alexis is having the time of her life performing the dance moves from Katy Perry’s halftime show and demanding that everyone admit she is dressed as a dolphin, not a shark.

Now generally I’m not a fan of those so desperate for attention, but Alexis is hilarious. She’s clearly trolling everyone the whole time, and most of the girls are too dumb to notice. Meanwhile, Corinne is solidifies herself as the villainous slut of the season by handing Nick a bang of rape tokens and letting him know he can use them for “whatever he wants.” She later steals Nick from Vanessa just to kiss him and then proceeds to tell everyone about the kiss the rest of the night, because as Raquel could surely tell you, it’s all about Corinne. The most awkward conversation of the night comes when Liz finally gets a chance to talk to Nick. Her presence on this show is incredibly suspect for a number of reasons, but the clear one being that she slept with Nick, he asked for her number, she said NO, and now, 9 months later, she’s on the show trying to date him. Naturally Nick asks what we’re all thinking:

According to Liz, she had a “stereotype” about him when she met him, then saw him on Paradise and he wasn’t that “stereotype,” but doesn’t like to ask for people’s numbers because she thinks if it’s meant to be it will work out. 

So not only does Liz have no idea what the word “stereotype” means, but she is also completely full of shit. She clearly slept with him because he was good-looking and wanted to be able to say “I slept with Tricky Nick,” but knowing he was a douchebag she wasn’t interested. After learning he was going to be the Bachelor, she thought “well shit, I bet they’ll let me on the show and I can get some screen time.” Lucky for her the Bachelor producers are sluts for dumb drama, but she really should have practiced her defense to a #rightreasons accusation. 

Roses are Red

The remainder of the night was uneventful. Rachel got the first impression rose which was surprising but also not surprising. Surprising because the Bachelor has a race problem and most men they pick aren’t necessarily interested in women of color. Not surprising because Rachel seems incredibly intelligent and down to earth, and you can tell they really hit it off. Noticeably, the girls this season all seem to have real jobs (minus the “Law School Graduate” and the “Witch”) and the ones who actually work are being heavily featured (not counting Corinne). 

It’s refreshing to see women who aren’t flight attendants and dental hygienists, but it also makes the show even less realistic. For example, these small business owners can’t just leave their businesses and move out to LA with Nick to shill white strips in on Instagram. So is Nick willing to move to be with them? Notably, we didn’t spend any time talking about where Nick lives and if he actually has a job, which makes me wonder if ABC wants to ignore that aspect so they can keep flaunting their “accomplished” contestants without addressing the fact that the whole point of this show is for two people to *fall in love* and get married and live happily ever after, in the same city. It will be interesting to see these seemingly more intelligent women navigate through the familiar obstacle course this season, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything revolutionary. After all, like the Bachelor himself, this show is just an old dog with the same tricks.

Did you notice . . . 

The b-roll of Nick running around Millennium Park and strolling down Clark street in a button down is the laziest attempt to convince us that he hasn’t been living in LA and *modeling* for the past 3 years. 

Susannah’s beard massage.

Christen (terrible yellow dress) talks to Nick like he’s a puppy that she’s training. She’s terrible and has GOT TO GO.

A lot of these women are really young, which makes their desire to date a 36-year-old professional Bachelor even more pathetic than your average Bachelor contestant.

Jasmine G. is a dancer for the Golden State Warriors. Hope she makes it to the final four and then blows a 3-1 lead. 

Nick repeating “civil defense litigation” like he’s trying to learn Spanish

Corinne was always posing in the background of shots, knowing the camera was on her.  Watch for it. God I hate/love her so much.

Fun fact: dolphins are the only other animals (besides humans) who have sex solely for pleasure. Seems like a missed opportunity by Alexis.

Nick begrudgingly giving Josephine a rose, clearly because the producers want her to stick around a few weeks.

Minority Report: We have a TON of minorities this season. And by a ton, I mean 8 out of 30 (25%)!  We lost at least 3, I think (it’s hard to keep track, they all look alike), but I am INCREDIBLY optimistic about this season. The previews (and the limo music) make it seem like Rachel goes pretty far, so it looks like for the first time ever we might have a Blachelorette (Black Bachelorette). Now this of course begs the question of whether Nick actually likes Rachel or is keeping her around because he’s a puppet and ABC REALLY needs more diversity. It will be an interesting relationship to watch develop, and I’m sure haters and Trump’s America will claim it’s basically affirmative action, but it’s 2017, so I’ll remain optimistic for now.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 9 Recap: Didn’t See That One Coming.

Just kidding, we all saw that coming. Maybe you had Luke in the final two, or maybe you had Evan (lol jk, even his mom didn’t have him making it past week 5). But either way, we always knew that Jojo was going to pick the douchey guy who loves skinny jeans and hair products.....who is also related to Aaron Rodgers. Even though it was always obvious from the beginning that Jojo would pick Jordan, the producers did a great job of editing and producing Robby and the rest of the top 5 to make us think that maybe, just maybe, Jojo would pick a “suitable husband.” 

Too bad that’s not really how this works. But I remained entertained the whole time, and in the end, that’s all that really matters.

Jordan Meets the Parents

Jordan is the first of the two men to meet the parents, and instead of bringing them flowers or a nice gift, he brings them all stupid hats to wear and laugh at each other. I guess his family has a tradition of embarrassing each other--like going on reality tv and trash-talking his older brother. While this happens, the producers give us some gratuitous shots of her mom downing alcohol, which is all we really wanted. Since it’s early in the day, Jojo’s mom is still sober and sharp enough to wonder if Jordan is truly ready to give up the life of a fuck boy and settle down with Jojo. She makes him look her in the eye and pinky-swear that he won’t break her heart. 

After the that convincing exchange, Jojo’s mom lets her know that while JOrdan is a babe, she’s not convinced this is a good match because they’re too similar. What she means is they are both attention whores who would go on reality tv to find “love,” and two attention whores might have a hard time getting along. Mom points out that Jordan is the life of the party and challenges Jojo to find someone who doesn’t like Jordan. How about his older brother, Aaron? Meanwhile, Jordan is talking to Jojo’s dad about how he looks forward to proving himself, whatever that means, but doesn’t ask for his #blessing to marry Jojo because Robby is still around. Yeah, that’s how this show works, Jordan.

Robby Meets the Parents

Playing the more traditional card, Robby arrives with a bouquet of flowers for Jojo’s mom which she immediately throws on the table, unimpressed. She gets down to business, asking Robby why he’s so interested in her daughter. Well, because she’s smart and intelligent, obviously. Oh and also he told her he loved her in Uruguay. And he was the first guy to say “I love you.” Also, it was in Uruguay. We get it, Robby. You love Joelle. But just in case you weren’t 100% convinced that he means it he goes ahead and asks both of Jojo’s parents if he can marry Joelle Hannah Fletcher, because he has been in love with her since Uruguay. Both of her parents give their blessings, and Jojo’s mom, slightly less sober than sh was 30 minutes ago, nearly kisses Robby on the lips.

But no one is more Team Robby than Jojo’s dad, who breaks down crying because he just can’t believe Jojo actually found a decent guy who really loves her. LOL. Too bad she isn’t going to choose him, which is basically what Jojo says when she sit down to talk to her family about her options. They are, of course, #TeamRobby because he actually seems sincere and mature and doesn’t talk shit about his famous brother on TV...oh and also he’s the only one who asked to marry Jojo. This is upsetting to Jojo, who knew from week 1 what she was picking Jordan. But is she really that surprised? I sure hope not, because this has pretty much been the storyline since the beginning, and I think we all know how it’s going to play out.

Robby’s Last Date

This is the last day before Robby gets to propose to Jo, so it’s very important. He received two #blessings from her parents, so he’s more ready than he’s ever been to continue this *journey* with Joelle. And to prove it, he’s going to kiss her underwater. Robby and Joelle’s story line these past few weeks has been centered on trust and whether Robby is truly straight and over his ex-girlfriend. They’ve been talking in circles for weeks about this whole trust thing -- and all of a sudden Jojo can’t stop telling him how much she trusts him. It all feels a little forced and fake, considering that two weeks ago she asked him maybe 50x if he was being honest about his ex-girlfriend and being over her.  Nonetheless, Jojo is very excited to say yes to Robby’s proposal, even though I’m pretty sure she can only say yes to one person. Robby, head over heels for Joelle, just can’t imagine a world where the love and passion that they share doesn’t exist and this doesn’t work out. 

Something tells me he’s already living in that world.

Jordan’s Last Date

For the first time all season, Jojo is noticeably less excited to see Jordan. The tension is pretty obvious and a bit awkward, as Jordan gives some standard fluff answers as if he were a politician avoiding an abortion question. After a few minutes of nonsense answers, Jordan finally confesses that he didn’t ask for her dad’s #blessing because he wasn’t 100% sure that Jojo actually wanted to be with him. Because Robby was still around. So basically Jordan is saying that he won’t ask for any #blessings because she hasn’t told him he’s the one and/or cut Robby. THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, JORDAN. You don’t get to just hijack The Bachelorette and make it all about you.

Like us, Jojo is confused because she’s made it pretty clear since day 1 that Jordan is her #1 draft pick. They spend the rest of their night together talking in circles. Jojo calling Jordan out for being an iffy fuckboy, while Jordan responds with iffy fuckboy answers. Jordan is bummed that he totally missed his chance to ask for her dad’s #blessing, because phones don’t exist on The Bachelorette. None of this is very compelling, but ABC is doing a great job of making us think that maybe she’s going to pick Robby....jkjk.

Happily Ever After by Neil Lane

Fresh from the tanning salon, Neil Lane is on the scene and ready to help Robby and Jordan “acquire” a ring for their bride to be. Robby makes a terrible choice, not that it matters, and proceeds to write Jojo a *heartfelt* note, as instructed by the producers. Meanwhile, Jordan has finally located an iPhone and is able to call Jojo’s parents and ask for their #blessings. After icking out a much better ring than Robby, Jordan also takes some time to write a very sincere note letting Jojo know he got the #blessings and he’s really sorry for making her doubt him. Because nothing is more romantic than an apology note on the day of your engagement. Jojo could barely handle her emotions.

For just a moment, it’s hard to tell what she’s going to do. And then we see Robby step out of the limo, confirming what we already knew. You can tell how nervous and uncomfortable Jojo is because the first thing she says is “you look great,” followed by “nice suit” like five times in a row. Despite this awkwardness, Jojo lets Robby launch into his speech about how he loves her unconditionally and wants to be with her every day before she finally stops him from further embarrassing himself. In a questionable attempt to make him feel better and give him closure, she breaks her own rule and tells him that she loves him, but it was basically never going to be him. For someone who has been madly in love with Joelle Hannah Fletcher since Uruguay, Robby takes the news pretty well. 

After a few moments of tears and proclaiming that she already misses Robby, she;s ready for Jordan. She gives herself a pump up speech about being *super* excited to spend the ext few years as Jordan’s fiance before things inevitably take a turn for the worse and they end up on Marriage Bootcamp. Jojo finally gets to tell Jordan that she *loves* him, and then gives him permission to go ahead and propose. He obliges in the least romantic way possible, and her fake surprise that this is all happening is less than compelling. 

After the Final Rose

Live back in the studio we get a chance to catch up with Robby and see if his broken heart is on the mend. It kind of is, but he’s still having trouble understanding how everyone, including her family, can be so #TeamRobby. He talks about looking off into the sunset and watching the dreams of a life with Jo disappear into the horizon, or something stupid like that. I wasn’t really paying attention at this point because his pocket square, tie, and pin were all very distracting.

When Robby finally gets a chance for closure, Jojo tells him that they weren’t really friends, and that she loved him, but she loved Jordan more. Ouch. Now that Jojo has finally picked Jordan and the drama is over, ABC has to start spinning them in a way that makes us think they’re going to make it. So Chris Harrison brings them out and has them talk about how hard it’s been to stay strong as a couple with so many haters and internet trolls calling Jordan fake.

Chris Harrison takes a moment to do a montage of some of the nastier tabloid covers printed about Jordan and Jojo over the course of the season, as if that convinces us that Jordan is not a fraud and all of this is real. Once more, for old time’s sake, Chris Harrison asks Jordan about his slightly more famous brother and the feud going on in their family. Jordan tactfully avoids the question entirely, because he’s more than his family drama with his famous brother -- he’s an SEC Network anchor now!! Looks like everyone got what they wanted (except maybe Robby), and isn’t that really all that matters? 

Did you notice . . .

Jojo has a sister?? 

Love that the same security guard is still with Chad in the audience in the BIP crew.

Chris Harrison cannot get Chad’s name out of his mouth. We have maybe heard his name as much as we have Jordan or Robby’s. Even when Chris Harrison asks Jojo about who should be the next Bachelor and Chad takes some time to let us know he behaves horribly on BIP but maybe he deserves a 3rd chance. Anyone from ABC, including Chris Harrison, who talks shit about Chad is full of shit themselves, because they CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF HIM. I mean, neither can I.

I think we can all agree that both Luke and Chase would be terrible Bachelors....but what about Robby? The whole episode seemed like a fluff piece on how great and sincere and passionate Robby is, ad how great of a husband he would be. He has more personality than both Luke and Chase combined, and is pretty good looking. Sure he might not be straight, but he would be more entertaining and certainly easier to sell than either of the two pieces of drywall that finished 3rd and 4th. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still rooting for a #Blachelor. But Robby wouldn’t be a terrible alternative...

[fantasysuiteleague]

MTA Recap: Chad Tells All

Let’s be honest, no one tuned in to the MTA because they give a shit about Luke or Chase or anyone else. Bachelor Nation, much like those women in “Chad-chelor” shirts, we came for The Chad. ABC, ever desperate to give the people what they want, played in to this by giving Chad his own security guard, meat platter, and trailer to wait in while everyone pretended like the other issues in the house were as interesting as The Chad. While waiting for the main event, we started with the pettiest of drama between Alex and Derek. This quickly spiraled into a debate about whether Alex was a whiny little bitch with a Napoleon complex (he is) versus a “war hero” who spent his adult life in conflict and essentially has no social skills. I’m not sure being a war vet entitles you to also be a manipulative asshole, but either way, Alex sucks.

In the middle of debating Alex’s insecurities, and after triple checking with the producers to make sure Chad is watching, Daniel jumps out of nowhere to say what we’re all thinking: everyone was fake and stupid, and they hated Chad because he wasn’t afraid to tell it like it is. Finally! The main event! This totally non-scripted interruption was all we needed to get The Chad Bear out of his trailer and headed slowly into the studio.

As he menacingly whistles his way into the studio, the audience and contestants excitedly get situated for the ensuing madness.

The nerves and anticipation alone is almost too much to handle.

Once Chad assumes his rightful place in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison, he begins to describe how he couldn’t walk through the house without hearing his name being whispered by the guys. He claims he didn’t ever want to punch anyone, but of course in some situations, what else do you do? His logic is questionable, but who needs logic when you’re a luxury real estate agent? Chad proceeds to basically give everyone the finger, calling them all fake pussies for claiming to be in love with Jojo yet spending most of their time obsessing over him. Point: Chad. Anytime anyone tries to interject and remind Chad that he’s just a fucking douchebag, Chad responds “who cares, but I have dirt on you, so watch yourself.” Point: Chad. This dirt is, of course, common knowledge by now: that Robby is gay broke up with his girlfriend to be on the show; and that Grant actually ghosted on his fiance, who introduced him to the Bachelor producers because she works in reality tv. But how does Chad know this, aside from simply reading the internet? Well he sought them out and fucked them, obviously. Point: Chad.

For some reason, this--of all the horrible shit Chad has done and said--is too much for the guys to handle. Nick, in a pathetic attempt for air time and even more pathetic display of machismo, takes off his suit jacket and offers to fight Chad. This is hilarious for multiple reasons, but mainly because it gives Daniel an opportunity to remind us how violent America is. Thanks, Dan. Luckily, the security guard was on standby and both of them were wearing dress shoes so there would be no murder of Santa. Chad remains in the hot seat for two more rounds of commercials, fielding questions from Chris Harrison about his respective beef with pretty much every guy. Chad’s responses are incredible:

Derek’s pocket square didn’t match his shirt. Alex is a super annoying manlet. Jordan just wants to be famous. Robby has apparently “threatened” his ex-girlfriend. Evan was obsessed with him.

While pretty much everything Chad said was questionable (yet also spot-on), he was at least redeemed when Chris Harrison replayed the tape of Evan very clearly trying to push Chad after he made a serious of pointed jokes about his steroid use and dick size. This is, of course, devastating to Evan’s case in small claims court for his ripped t-shirt. Having heard both sides of the argument, we hereby find that in the case of Bass v. Johnson, Plaintiff Boner Doctor is a dumbass with a death wish, who "came to the nuisance.”

What is perhaps most incredible, albeit disturbing, is Chad’s ability to literally shake every piece of shit off of himself that’s thrown his way. He said mean shit? Oh he was just being funny to the cameras. He told Jordan he was going to hunt him down? Oh but he was just going to give him candy. Even when Wells admits that the guys were guilty of Lord of the Flies-ing him, and hopes that he will take an opportunity to redeem himself on Bachelor in Paradise, Chad shoots back with a sarcastic “Thanks, Wells. I love you.” 

You have to admit that even though Chad very clearly a douchebag looking for his 15 minutes, his responses, lack of regret, and refusal to really play this game are a refreshing twist to what has otherwise become a very mechanical show. At the end of the day-- in what I hope was a coincidental foreshadowing of November 8 electon--the only person who was able to silence the maniac who had taken over the show with his ridiculous lies, hyperboles, and threats, was a woman.  After Chad congratulated Jojo on finding love with a liar and a fame whore, Chris Harrison gave Jojo the opportunity to respond. Taking the high road, Jojo refused to give Chad the only think he ever wanted: attention.

Did you notice . . .

The MEAT that Chad pulled out of his suit pocket!!!

Wells comparing Chad to Voldemort was the best comment made all night.

Vinnie’s beard ...

Chad accused Chase of being “Chase the Vine guy.” Is Chase on Vine?? Is anyone still on Vine??

The music leading into the commercial break after Nick “threatened” to fight Chad. It was like American Ninja Warrior music.

Everything about the security guard.

So are our options for Bachelor seriously Chase and Luke?  BORING. Luke is literally the exact same as Chris Soules: a slow farmer. Chase is just a sleepy version of Jordan with super-glue stuck to his lips. I couldn’t be less interested in either one of them as the next Bachelor. Please God ABC do something different and give us ANYONE ELSE. Perhaps, Marquel?

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 8 Recap: Fantasy Sweets

Well that was dramatic. I am of course talking about Luke’s shocking exit. And also Chase’s exit.  And also Chase’s return. And also the previews for Bachelor in Paradise. So, pretty much everything about the last two nights. I think we can all agree that the producers have really stepped up their game, to everyone’s benefit, because when this show is produces senseless drama, everyone wins. 

The biggest winner of last night, however, was Aaron Rodgers. When asked about Jordan and his being on The Bachelorette, the middle brother said he hasn’t seen the show (lie) so Jordan’s drama hasn’t affected him. He then clapped back ever so slightly:

“I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.” 

Calling this show a “competition” is incredibly subtle shade, yet shade nonetheless. It’s like that kind of shade where you think you don’t need sunscreen because you don’t see the sun, yet you still end up getting BURNT. 

Bye, Luke.

I hate admitting I’m wrong, but here we are. I cannot believe she got rid of Luke and kept Chase. Chase?! He said like 30 words all season, most of them on last night’s episode! Luke, on the other hand, while dead in the eyes and also an ostrich, was pretty open about his unreasonable obsession with Jojo for most of the show. I certainly never doubted his feelings for Jojo, but I guess when you have 10 Macklemores tripping over their dicks to say the “L word” and there’s one emu who says everything but the “L word,” it’s easier to just let the emu return to the zoo. Luke, like the rest of us (or at least me), was in total shock the entire goodbye---which lasted about 4 hours. He spent most of that time just staring straight ahead as if he was having PTSD flashbacks.

While on the inside, assuming that ostriches are capable of internal emotion, Luke was probably screaming in despair for his lost love.

Part of me would like to think that Jojo also knew she wasn’t going to pick Luke or Chase, but since Luke had been so obsessed with her the whole time it was easier to let him go now rather than after she fucked him. Or maybe the producers wanted to start working on him as the next Bachelor potential since Chase has the emotional depth of a street puddle. Either way, I’m still shocked. But who cares? We’re finally to the episode that everyone’s been waiting for: FANTASY SUITES! Or, as Jojo calls it, the “exotic overnight dates,” which is just a cute clean way of saying “the sex episode.” Sexisode? 

Robby Loves Joelle

It’s raining in Thailand during Robby’s date, which you may interpret as a comically ominous metaphor for their relationship -- or just common weather patterns. The theme of this date was *trust*, as he and Jojo continued to talk about his honesty regarding his ex-girlfriend and whether he is really over it and ready to marry Jojo. Like a broken record, Robby asserts that he’s been honest about his ex-girlfriend, and is super duper in love with Jojo. To prove it, he starts calling her Joelle. Now I’m convinced. Jojo, on the other hand, is not convinced, because this time last month she was telling Ben “I love you” and he was saying it right back, and we all know how that turned out. Jojo says she’s “scared” for Robby, so wants him to be cautious (because she isn’t going to pick him). Either playing along or missing the point completely, Robby continues to profess his love to Joelle. Jojo is like cool, let’s keep this charade up for one more week. And as compensation for your willingness to be humiliated, here is my vagina.  The next morning, Jojo tells us that there were “moments” last night where Robby “told her he loved her,” and now she knows she’s in love with him too. How cute.

But Jojo, unlike heartless Ben Higgins, won’t tell Robby she loves him because until she knows for sure that she is going to pick Jordan him. How thoughtful.

Chances of Penetration: 100%.  

“I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore, I get to dream with Jojo.”

Jojo Obviously Loves Jordan

And to prove that it’s not just a physical connection, we’re going to hike up a mountain and enter a sacred temple where we can’t makeout!! 

Even though this is clearly the right call because we’ve seen enough shots of them making out all season, it’s just too obvious that Jordan is the only real contender in this *competition*. That being said, this lends itself to a normal adult conversation about the future, rather than the usual fluff about “happily ever after” and “making things work.” Jordan claims he is ready to be married and start a family and that he really loves her, but Jojo doesn’t buy it. Ben said the same shit. So did The Original Chad. In perhaps the smartest move she’s made yet, Jojo forces Jordan to convince her that the Internet and his ex-girlfriend are wrong, and that he’s not a garbage fuck boy who’s just looking for fame. She has to ask these questions not just to protect her heart, but also to make sure that she doesn’t look like a complete idiot when this fairytale romance inevitably comes to a screeching halt in 6-8 months. Jordan, ever the fuckboy, reassures her that he’s definitely ready to get married at 27 and wants to marry Jojo because she makes him less of a garbage person. 

30 seconds of screen time later, they’re heading to the fantasy suite. 

Chances of Penetration: 100%.  

“We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction.It was exactly everything I needed.”

But She Definitely Does Not Love Chase 

Neither does his dad. Ziiing! But really, was anyone surprised? That he was eliminated--not that he made it this far, because that is probably the biggest shocker of the season. The unbelievability of Chase being in the final 3 aside, we need to take a moment to applaud whoever was producing Chase. After an entire season of being wrapped so tightly in a cocoon he only fully opened his mouth twice, Chase emerged a social and chatty butterfly. All of a sudden he was super descriptive of Jojo, using words like “personality,” “sex appeal,” and “UNSTOPPABLE”--along with even more impressive descriptions of his surroundings such as “fisherman”, “salt water”, and “fish.” 

It was pretty clear his producer had told him he needed to show some personality and really put himself out there in order to be a Bachelor contender. Or maybe they just slipped him some ecstasy. Either way, I was *almost* interested in this date. Just kidding. It was incredibly boring and rote, and might as well have been just another 1-on-1 date early in the season. Ominously (and incredibly staged), Chase spends some time alone on the beach after the day portion of their date, while Robby slips in to Jojo’s room to remind her once again that she is not gay and totally in love with her.

And just like that, Chase is gone. But not before Jojo goes through the motions of dinner and accepting the fantasy suite date card. Chase, assuming he’s sealed the deal, tries to put a cherry on top by telling Jojo that he loves her. Of course no one in that room or watching at home really believes that. In response, Jojo makes a face of panic and takes some time alone to attempt to cry before coming back and telling Chase he should leave. Chase is understandably upset, having made it so close to Pound Town only to have his car break down just outside the city limits. But at least he got a free trip to Thailand?

Chances of penetration: 0%

“It’s like pull my pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

In an annoyingly drama-free turn of events, Chase crashes the rose ceremony the next day to tell Jojo she’s like, the best, and that he didn’t want things to end on such a negative note. I would have preferred he at least beg for a second chance, rather than continue his play for the next Bachelor, but I guess that would have been equally fabricated and insincere. You can go shave your back now, Chase.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 7 Recap: Still No Sign of Aaron Rodgers

Last night, we traveled to four separate towns I have no intention of ever visiting to meet the parents who are totally not embarrassed and ashamed that their sons have been crying on reality TV for the last two months. As always, *everyone* told Jojo they loved her, the moms tried too hard, the dads were noticeably uncomfortable, and the only thing on anyone’s mind was Aaron Rodgers. 

The “D” Word

We start the night off in Chase’s home town of Who Cares, Colorado, where Chase experienced the horrific and unique tragedy of his parents divorcing. This is why Chase struggles to open his mouth and/or express emotion. Since he hasn’t seen his dad in a long time, Chase the producers decided it was a great idea to bring Chase’s dad on national TV so he can confront him about leaving his family. 

Based on the tone of this intro, I assumed Chase’s dad was a raging alcoholic wife beater who deserted Chase’s mom for his secret family in Canada. Imagine my disappointment in hearing that Doug was just too busy climbing the corporate ladder to give a fuck about him after Chase asks “why did not your first marriage work out?” Boring. After the confrontation part of the date, they head over to meet Chase’s mom, who I expected to be a fat lonely woman with birds. Unlike her children, Sandy seems to have moved on from Doug’s betrayal, having had some plastic surgery and at least one bottle of wine. Jojo feels right at home with her, naturally, and they have so much *fun* when they have their 1-on-1 chat because Sandy isn’t a regular mom.

After an emotional day of confronting his dad and talking to and/or about Jojo for 5 minutes, Chase is no longer hesitant to tell a stranger that he is falling in love with her. 

Pros: He’s not over his parents’ divorce.   Cons: He’s not over his parents’ divorce.

Aaron Who?

Jordan chooses to start his hometown date by showing Jojo the place where he grew up in his brother’s shadow: high school. Have you ever noticed that no girl ever takes the Bachelor to her high school? I’m guessing that’s because most girls on the Bachelor didn’t finish peak in high school. The football coach’s office is suspiciously covered in photos of the “former pro quarterback,” either because the coach has an unhealthy obsession with mediocrity or because the producers did some pre-film decorating. This doesn’t disturb Jordan as much as the one picture of his less successful “middle brother.” After he awkwardly asks Jojo to not talk about his brother, Jordan brings her home to meet his parents, brother Luke, and the true star of the family and holder of all the secrets: LINDSAY.

After a few stories about Jordan being a punk ass bitch, Jojo sits down with Luke to talk about the real reason we’re all here: Aaron Rodgers. Luke uncomfortably tells Jojo that they don’t really talk about the drama, but since it’s mostly been manufactured for this show, he reluctantly plays along and says a few lines about God and finding the right path. After gathering vague details from Luke, we move on to talk to the melting candle who fathered the former professional quarterback, Herman Munster. I didn’t listen to a word he said because I was too busy looking for gifs of Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast, but I’m sure whatever he said was great. At the end of the date Jojo once again questions whether Jordan is really in this to get married because she is obviously picking him, to which he responds “I wouldn’t get engaged with the thought of ‘oh let’s just try this out.’” ....

Pros: He’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother. Cons: He’s not Aaron Rodgers.

The Ghosts of Ex-Beards Past

Jojo’s next stop is Robby’s hometown of Jacksonville, FL *insert gator joke*, where the only thing on Jojo’s mind is Robby’s ex-girlfriend. She’s concerned he still has feelings for her, which is valid seeing as he broke up with her “4 months ago.” If you do the math, this means Robby had been single for 3 months when the show started filming, and at the very least, single for 2 months when he got casted. So yeah, he’s probably not over her. But when she asks him, Robby claims he doesn’t miss her at all, and doesn’t think about her at all. 

So Jojo can be rest assured that even though Robby is “in love with her” right now, once she inevitably dumps him for Jordan he won’t give a shit. The producers talk Robby’s mom into telling him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate has been spreading rumors that he’s not on the show for the #rightreasons and dumped his girlfriend when he found out he was casted. Robby is understandably upset because he’s worked so hard to convince Jojo that he’s straight. So naturally he goes to tell Jojo about the internet drama, who once again requests confirmation that Robby is, in fact, here for the #rightreasons. Robby looks her in the eye and reassures her that his relationship with Hope, who is definitely a woman, is over. In fact, last time they say each other, she slapped him across the face*, and he will never speak to her again. 

Glad that’s settled. 

Pros: He’s totally over his girlfriend. Cons: His girlfriend was definitely a beard.

Luke’s Entire Town

It’s been pretty clear from the beginning that Luke is not the sharpest guy in the bunch, but someone really should have told him that “hometown date” doesn’t actually mean bring your entire home town to meet your pseudo-girlfriend. Despite this mix-up, Luke seems very excited to introduce Jojo to his mailman, and Jojo is...well, less than thrilled but a good sport nonetheless. It was very authentic of the producers to remind Jojo to wear the boots Luke bought her, along with her short shorts and southern accent we haven’t heard since her hometown date on Ben’s season. She was probably just trying to impress Luke’s dad, who was very much a cowboy.

After about 10 minutes of Luke’s grandpa--who was wearing his fanciest fish necklace--making fun of Luke for his inability to cook and/or speak, Jojo and Luke ride off into the sunset on horseback. Luke pulls his signature move of holding Jojo’s hand in his face as he stumbles through descriptions of his emotions without ever saying the L-bomb.  For one second, as they make out while the sun sets and I throw up all over my couch, I think maybe Luke is actually going to win it all....

Pros: His grandpa’s fish necklace. Cons: His entire town fits in his backyard.

To Be Continued . . .

But then at the rose ceremony Jojo throws us for a total loop when she tells the camera she’s going to ELIMINATE LUKE. Legit did NOT see that one coming, especially considering how horned up she’s been for him the entire season and the fact that we’re moments away from heavy petting in the fantasy suites. Now of course because they told us who she’s eliminating, she’s definitely not eliminating Luke, but still. I guess this is because Luke wasn’t able to say “I love you,” although I don’t see how she “knows” that Chase “loves” her and Luke does not. Having likely been convinced by the producers to tell Jojo he loves her ASAP, Luke interrupts the beginning of the rose ceremony and takes Jojo aside. Robby channels all of Bachelor Nation as he whispers “oh my gawwwd!!”

After Luke finally falls in line and tells Jojo that, like everyone else, he is in fact in love with her, Jojo has a breakdown. You see, it’s like really really hard to date so many guys at once and even harder when all of these guys like really really love you and they’re all so great but contractually you can only pick one!! 

In a poor attempt to drag out the drama for one more week, we’re hit with a “To Be Continued” screen. But what will happen next episode?

Will Jojo say goodbye to Luke? Will Robby come out of the closet? Will Jordan ever talk to Aaron again? Will someone make sure Chase gets home okay? Will Chris Harrison ever say more than two lines per episode?

I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned to find out...

Did you notice . . . 

When Chase asked his dad why he abandoned him, his dad gave him that “it’s none of your goddamn business, boy” look.

“He has several step-children.” - Chase 

How Jordan tensed up and hesitated when Jojo asked how long about he brought home his ex-gf? That hesitation gave off the classic “I don’t want to tell the truth” vibe.

Mr. Rodgers’ face will forever haunt my dreams 

“The horse is so pretty.” - Robby (that’s not how this works...)

Robby’s one brother looks like Daniel Radcliffe.  The other brother looks like he has that ugly snapchat filter that makes your face frown like a bass.

Seriously, what is it with all of the goddamn horses this season?!

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 6 Recap: He Needed  A Stool

It’s only been two weeks since we saw Jojo and her team of Macklemore impersonators (+ Alex), but it feels like forever. If you need a refresher, last week: 

Little baby Wes got a 1-on-1, Little baby Wes was sent home, James Taylor played poker by the standard rules, Jordan Rodgers played by his own, Derek Halpert went wee wee wee all the way home.

Emotions are still high from the night before after Jojo declined to give out the final rose and instead decided to string along date both Alex and James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter for one more week. Chris Harrison swings by to meet his screen time quota and tells the guys there are no roses on the 1-on-1 dates. Having drawn the short straw in more ways than one, Alex gets to drive along the countryside with Jojo while the Macklemores work on their debut album.

I’m Your Goocho

For the first part of their 1-on-1 date, Alex and Jojo take a super boring uberX through the Argentinean countryside. Sergei, who drives uber when he’s not working on his brother’s farm, makes a pit stop for caffeine so he stops falling asleep while Alex tries to impress Jojo with his “go-to” rap lyric about going to the liquor store. Sergei, seeking to increase the excitement in the car, must have suggested they get Pringles with the hopes that once you pop, the fun don’t stop. Sadly, it never started.

After that painful first strike, Sergei drops them off at a ranch, where they think they’re going to be gauchos for a day. Turns out, you have to be born into the gaucho life, but Alex gets to wear some gaucho attire for the small price of his dignity. Once Lord Farquad is suited up, they ride horses to an open meadow where a real life gaucho essentially fucks a horse in front of them. 

Okay, he doesn’t actually fuck the horse. He’s more like a fluffer. Once Mr. Ed is properly horned up, Jojo and Lord Farquad lay on the horse and struggle to have a meaningful conversation--probably because Alex and the horse were 69ing the entire time. Later on, despite having literally never spent more than 30 minutes alone with Jojo until that day, Lord Farquad confesses that he’s falling in love with Jojo. Like all of us watching at home, Jojo is appalled and uncomfortable by this news and does not feel the same way. Lord Farquad opts-out of his standard angry Napoleon reaction, and instead silently shuffles into his uberXL, refusing to look Jojo in the eye. Lesson learned: a threesome with a horse won’t save your relationship. Move along, little one.

Family Values with the Rodgers

To no one’s surprise, and James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter’s heartbreak, Jordan gets the next 1-on-1 date. He and Jojo head to an Argentinian vineyard where they reenact an episode of I Love Lucy and crush grapes with their feet. Once they’re done playing sticky footsie, they skip the whole fermentation process that makes wine wine, and drink their own foot juice. Somewhere off cameras the locals are laughing their asses off at these stupid Americans. I’m gagging on my couch. After the two of them get noticeably hammered and handsy in a hot tub, they sit down for “dinner” where Jordan drops the bomb that he’s not close with his famous brother, who “chose to live life" differently than Jordan, who chose the life of a fuckboy.

Jordan continues to throw shade at his brother and whine about growing up in his shadow, while silently Jojo wonders if she will still get to meet Olivia Munn at Christmas. After all that family talk, Jordan tells Jojo he’s super duper in love with Jojo. Eye roll.

Suite Life of Zack + Cody

Since ABC has no budget for the Bachelorette it’s raining in Argentina, Jojo and the guys hang out in a hotel suite all day where they play Bachelor-themed party games and get low key wasted. James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter sabotages himself by fitting an entire plate of fries in his mouth. Robby strips down to his underwear and frolics through the hallway on a dare. Chase...smiles once? Maybe twice. Even with Robby flashing his bare ass, it’s an incredibly dull date. During their alone time, Robby tells Jojo he’s falling for her, even though he just broke up with his beard girlfriend of four years and definitely isn’t over her. James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter, is in his head about his relationship with Jojo compared to others. He points out that they don’t have as physical of a relationship without stopping to think that’s maybe because he just shoved 40 potatoes in his mouth. 

Chase stays on brand and refuses to show much emotion, open his mouth, or drop the L-bomb. He’s having “emotions for love with Jojo,” and “really really likes” her, but as a rational dude that’s as far as he’s willing to go. Robby ends up getting the group date rose and gets to spend a little more time with Jojo convincing him he’s not gay. I’m not convinced.

Horseplay and Heartbreak 

As it turns out, there’s literally nothing to do in Argentina that doesn’t involve horses, so Jojo and Luke head back to the ranch for the final 1-on-1 of the week. Luke tells her about how loves horses and once tamed a wild mustang Hidalgo and rode him across the country. Jojo is impressed at Luke’s ability to both string a sentence together and fulfill archetypal demonstrations of masculinity, reassuring herself he is indeed both “smart” and “good looking” (for an ostrich). After a few rounds of skeet shooting, Luke tells Jojo he’s willing to move off of his farm even though he just met her. At this point, Jojo already knows she wants to fuck Luke meet Luke’s family, Robby has a rose, and she’s going home with Jordan, so she sends Luke back early to prepare for the rose ceremony. On hearing this new, James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter is devastated because he knows he doesn’t look like Macklemore and is probably going home even though he’s the one person you’d actually want to spend the rest of your life with. But that’s not what this show is about, so instead Jojo chooses the guy who never opens his mouth, and sends James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter packing. But not before she walks him outside and sits down to cry with him and say he has everything she wants but isn’t right for her...(because she’s hot and shallow).

In what will probably be used as b-roll for the next season of the Bachelor, James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter cries that he’s tired of always hearing he is perfect when he’s dumped. It’s a very emotional scene, made more dramatic by the song that plays when the dog dies in Marley and Me (spoiler!!). But hey, he got farther than any semi-ginger has on this show, so that has to count for something, right?

Did you notice . . .

“I like those kind of trees. The one that’s like, droop. Droopy trees.” - Alex

Jojo was wearing heels on her date with Alex.

Jordan’s mini temper tantrum during the bus ride when they stopped for some street meat

Jojo drawing Chad’s bicep during Pictionary

I can’t wait for Lord Farquad to throw a tantrum on the Men Tell All after seeing the guys “rap” about his height. 

Minority Report: Obviously JTSS looks like the best option for the Bachelor at this point seeing as Chase doesn’t speak, Luke is a little retarded, and Robby is gay....but what about a Blachelor? #blachelorlivesmatter 

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 4 Recap: Struck by Lightning...While Shaving My Face.

We’re back in exotic ... Pennsylvania, where the remaining men, at the behest of producers, are holding a touching ceremony for the “shittiest person they have ever met.”  Wells, a vitamin deficient 7th grader, says a few works on behalf of the group, before punting Chad’s jar of protein powder into the forest like Baxter over a bridge.  But horror movies have taught me that you always have to make sure the villain is dead before celebrating.  Otherwise he will find his way back to your house, scratch on the door, and eat all your deli meat.

Chad’s reluctant sidekick and Canadian vampire, Daniel, lets him back in the house for one last round of conflict.  Chad rants about how everyone backed him into a corner and forced him to "say things he normally wouldn’t say,” which is obviously untrue because Chad has about 50 words in his vocabulary.  Jordan, speaking for the group, tells Chad he is the absolute worst 

to which Chad responds by poking Jordan’s perfectly quaffed head and telling him what we already know---that Jordan doesn’t have half a brain.  By the time Chad is done with his diatribe, Evan has worked up the courage to ask Chad for that $20 he owes him for ripping his shirt.  This baffles both Chad and myself, as we were under the assumption that Evan "owned dick companies.”  After the novelty of conflict wears off, Chad is ushered out of the house and the men are given a cake and streamers to celebrate Alex’s return.  But as the chants praising Alex as a “dragon slayer” die down, it’s pretty clear the drama is far from over as Evan whines that all the guys are becoming “mini Chads.” 

A Chadless Cocktail Party...Or Is it?

Now that the #1 Chad is gone, there’s an alpha-power-vacuum in the house just waiting to be filled by the most insecure douchebag chad remaining.  Sure enough, while Paul Ryan is reading Jojo a terrible poem he wrote 20 minutes earlier, Alex pulls up a stepladder and asks to steal Jojo.  The Speaker of the House complains that the “gentleman’s agreement” has “gone out the window.” but the joke is on him, because none of the guys on this show are gentleman and there are no goddamn rules on this show.  That’s why a guy like Luke, whose hair is the same height as Alex, is telling Jojo that he’s falling for her after spending no more than 12 hours with her.  

The rose ceremony was fairly uneventful.  Against all odds, both Vinny and Evan get to stay around for one more week, but Damn Daniel and his shit personality were asked to leave.  Luckily he is, yet again, low key wasted and takes some time to help us understand that Jojo is clearly going for personality, because “if this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance he would still be here.  His body had nothing to do with this.”  At least Daniel the Undead recognizes that, since Jojo is looking for someone who can carry a conversation, “the chances of her falling for him...he’d have a better chance of getting struck by lighting ... while ... you know, shaving his face.”  

InTouch in Uruguay

After the rose ceremony, Jojo reveals they’re all heading to Mexico Uruguay, where she shocks everyone by giving Jordan will get the first 1-on-1 date of the week.  While Jordan makes out with Jojo all day, Vinny opens up his own Bachelor Barber Shop, which facilitates a group discussion about Jordan and how he’s “playing the game,” he’s “untrustworthy,” and, most importantly, he’s “not here for the Right Reasons™.”  Fucking duh, guys.  I mean, look at him.  He doesn’t need ABC’s help dating a botox-filled blonde with no marketable skills.  Before the guys can really dig in to Jordan’s flaws, the conversation is directed back to Chad.  But not the Dragon formerly known as Chad.  Rather, it’s Jojo’s ex-boyfriend, The One True Chad, whose bullshit interview with InTouch just so happens to be in the one copy of the magazine that the producers handed to Vinny brought. 

The guys each take turns reading the story and losing their minds, as they try to figure out if Jojo is just a fame whore like everyone else, or if The One True Chad is just trying to make the most of his 10 minutes of fame.  Spoiler alert: it’s both.  Back on the 1-on-1 date, Jojo finally stops making out with Jordan long enough to ask him about his past relationships and life as a fuckboy.  Apparently, one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends reached out to Jojo to warn her that he is a garbage dick who will cheat on her.  Jordan, taken aback by this line of questioning, takes a moment to collect himself..

..and then reassures Jojo that he ....did not cheat on his ex, but was definitely super *flirty* when he shouldn’t have been.  AKA, he cheated on his ex.  A bunch.  Jordan talks his way out of this corner by mentioning his childhood pastor, and they resume their day-long makeout session surrounded by homeless people dancing in the streets.  

Robby Is Gay In Love with Jojo?

Robby is given the second 1-on-1 date of the episode, which I find perplexing.  Actually, every time Robby talks I’m perplexed.  Not because he’s gay; that’s obvious.  But because he’s always talking about how strong his connection with Jojo is, and how he is falling for her.  This is coming from a guy who has not yet had a 1-on-1 date, so realistically, he’s spent, at most, 3 hours with Jojo. Obviously Robby is just saying this shit to maximize his screen time and chances of being the Bachelor, but like, imagine this is real life for a second.  Imagine telling your friends you are falling for someone you’ve spent 3 hours with.  Then imagine telling that person, after 5 more hours of alone time, that you are in love with them.  

Or better yet, imagine being on the receiving end of this unhealthy obsession.  If this were real life, any girl, including myself, would be like “ummmm thanks.  I’m really flattered, but like, please don’t try to wear my skin?”  But since this isn’t real life, Robby gets a rose instead of a restraining order.

Mean Girls 3: You Can’t Surf With Us

The night before the group date, Jojo is casually alerted to The One True Chad’s InTouch interview, prompting her to break down and wail about how Chad always ruins everything by telling the truth being Chad.  Jojo tries to produce tears, but due to her botox it’s nearly impossible.  

Despite the absence of tears, the guys “forgive” her.  On the group date, the guys are sand surfing and having fun, blah blah blah.  Guys are getting jealous, blah blah blah. It’s hard to date a woman with 10 other guys, blah blah blah.  The date was very uneventful until Derek pulled Jojo aside and let her know he still existed.  This routine insecurity is not uncommon on this show, especially for the person who got the first 1-on-1 date of the season, which took place like months weeks days ago.  But for some reason, former Lucky Charms mascot Alex thinks Derek is “jealous, toxic, and emotionally insecure.”  Which is, of course, exactly what a jealous, toxic, and emotionally insecure little person would say.  He would also say dumb shit like: 

“Getting the group date rose has always been an ambition of mine.” .... "I don’t need a group date rose to get validation.”  

Alex needs to drink some milk and chill out.

But he can’t.  Instead, his Napoleon Complex enlists Chase to help him bully Derek, who impressively remains above their taunts, for the time being.  Derek would have come out on top had he just continued to ignore them, but like Janice Ian, he just couldn’t let it go.  Right before the rose ceremony, Derek roll-calls the Plastics, and asks them to step outside to chat about the dangers of bullying.   

To no one’s surprise, this plan totally backfires, and the Plastics are like “dude wtf are you talking about, also let’s just focus on Jojo.”  Too bad focusing on Jojo is like the #3 priority on everyone’s list.  But no one gets a chance to “focus on Jojo,” as Chris Harrison announces there will be no cocktail party because there’s no need to “delay the inevitable.”  In the end, we said goodbye to Grant, Vinny, and Evan.  Somehow Evan is “devastated” that he’s being sent home, even though he is 35+, his nose is constantly bleeding, he is a fucking BONER DOCTOR, oh he also has three kids, and worst of all, he’s just too nice.

Did you notice . . . 

Daniel’s face when Jordan called out Chad for working out by himself.

Jojo’s 1-on-1 time with Alex was so exciting they forgot to show any footage.

Evan basically Js in his Ps every time Jojo calls his name in the rose ceremony.  It’s gross. 

"I’m so happy to go to South America with a future wife of mine.” - Vinny

For being a barber Vinny has terrible hair

Also how is VInny still on this show?

Alex getting so mad at Derek when Chris Harrison announces there will be no cocktail party as if that was Derek’s fault, and then storming away with his glass of white wine.

Minority Report: 0!! RIP, Handsome Squidward (aka Grant).  You and your chin didn’t stand much of a chance, but we appreciate you agreeing to sick around for a few extra weeks so ABC could keep some diversity in their promos.   

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 3 Recap: Don’t Poke the Chad Bear

Much like last week’s episode, this week’s two-part episode had one focus: Chad.  Every other word out of everyone’s mouth was “Chad.”  Chad should have gone home; Chad is on steroids; Chad left his meat plates all over the house; Chad just decapitated Evan.  Everyone has been quick to call Chad the "villain” of the season, and I don’t think they’re wrong....but I’m also not sure they’re right.  Yes, Chad says horribly misogynistic and offensive things like “I already know what Jojo looks like naked” and “Jojo hasn’t earned the right to hear about my past.”  But at the same time, he’s said pretty much exactly what we’ve all been thinking at every turn.  Moreover, it’s pretty clear that the producers are making the guys poke the Chad Bear specifically to get a reaction out of him.  Even though Chad could probably kill at least 5 guys before the Bachelor “security guards” shoot him down with a horse tranquilizer, he was the actual victim of bullying last night.  That doesn’t excuse his comments and/or behavior, but that doesn’t make him the villain either.  It just makes him The Chad.  And guess what?  Villain’s gonna vill. Chad’s gonna Chad. 

Angergasms and Swing Dancing

The first round of 1-on-1 dates this week were awarded to Chase and James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter.  Jojo is excited for the week because she’s “staring to develop feelings for these guys” after 4 goddamn days of filming, and Chase is “hot.”  Given Jojo’s basic bitch nature, I do not for a second believe she has never done yoga.  I do, however, believe that no one has ever done this “tantrum yoga,” because it seems absolutely awful.  Jojo and Chase spend most of this date wrapped up in each other, and despite knowing of Chase for approximately 96 hours, she feels safe in his arms.  

This kind of judgment is probably what got her trapped in a relationship with the Original Chad in the first place.  Later on in the night, Chase reveals that he’s trying to fight the right person, because he wants to do this once and wants to do it right.  He values the sanctity of marriage, which is why he applied to be on the Bachelorette.  His date ended with a rose and a shitty concert.  Next up is James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter.  He and Jojo’s date consists of swing lessons from the old lady in the Titanic and a picnic.

We learn that James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter, is very insecure about being a ginger his big ears and long neck and generally being ugly.  His whole speech about being “kind of bullied” as a kid and wanting to date a 10, even though he’s only a 6, doesn’t really do it for me.  Sure, he’s cute and super nice blah blah blah next Bachelor blah blah blah.  Who cares.  His date also ended with a rose and a shitty concert (but he was the performer this time).

10 Guys and a Chad

Chad is naturally annoyed he’s stuck on a group date, and makes what I’ll call a “calculated error” by announcing he’d “rather not go.”  Yes, everyone gets pissed and gangs up on him, but Chad gets exactly what he wants: screen time.  A brief shot of the Canadian Vampire, Daniel, giggling on the couch as this all goes down all but confirms Chad and/or the producers had this planned.  Jordan decides to stir the pot protein shake by making a crack about Chad’s intelligence, to which Chad responds that he’s a failed football player (which isn’t not true...).  Alex and others jump in to poke the Chad Bear, because there’s strength in numbers, but before Chad’s intimidation sequence reaches peak power-up mode, the guys are whisked off to a poor man’s version of the Vagina Monologues.  There, the guys are all tasked with telling a sex story about themselves, after 5+ drinks to calm the nerves.

Staying on brand, Chad refuses to participate because he doesn’t want to share a story about his sexual past, he doesn’t care about Jojo’s sexual past, and doesn’t think it’s normal to tell that kind of story to a girl you’ve just started seeing.  “This-is-how-the-show-works” comments aside, you know Chad isn’t wrong.  Canadian Vampire and probable alcoholic, Daniel, tells Chad to just lean in and have a few beers because it will be fun.  Obviously no one should take Daniel’s advice, as he confesses that he loves talking about sex and weird things and bodily functions.  It comes as absolutely no surprise that Daniel’s “sex story” involves tying a girl up and cutting some of her hair as a trophy.

But Daniel’s scene from Law & Order SVU was not the highlight of the date.  Instead, it was the Boner Doctor, Evan, who decided to ignore the instructions and tell a thinly veiled story about a Chad on steroids.  It’s hard to feel any sympathy for Evan or his $20 shirt that Chad basically ripped in half.  In what world would a guy like Evan ever go up and poke a Chad Bear right in the dick, and expect to live?  And after poking said bear, deciding that said Bear owes him an apology and a new shirt because the bear has ruined his night?  And THEN giving a girl who is objectively lightyears out of his league an ultimatum? As Chad points out, it’s not the world we live in, because no girl on planet Earth chooses Evan for anything.  But in this bizarro world of the Bachelorette, Evan got the group date rose.

Pool Party 

Jojo “decides” to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party to maximize the drama, but before we can get our cannonball on, Evan decides to snitch to Chris Harrison:

Evan: look I’m scared of Chad. Chris: Well this is what happens when there are a bunch of swinging dicks in the house. Evan: but he’s like, really scary. Chris: I mean, if this is what you want, then I will step in. Guys: Evan, what’s going on? Evan: OMG please stop talking to me, I don’t want to talk about it. Chris: Chad, are you on steroids? Chad: Of course I am, but I didn’t bring them with me. Chris: Okay just don’t be *too* violent, and maybe apologize? Chad: I would rather cut everyone’s arms and legs off and throw their torsos into the pool, but fine. Guys, I’m sure you’re all fine, I’m not really sorry, but we’ve settled our shit now, byeeee. Evan: um you owe me an apology and a new shirt‼ Chad: Oh my god, fine, I’ll give you $20. James Taylor, Singer-Songwriter: Look Chad, we’re all pretty scared of you, so can you just promise not to hulk out and murder one of us? Please? Chad:  I’m not going to fight you as long as you stop trying to fight me. Does anyone know if there’s going to be meat at this party?

Despite Chad’s *heartfelt* apology and his apparent fear for his life, Evan continues to poke the Chad Bear by interrupting his 1-on-1 time with Jojo.  To his credit, Chad stays relatively calm until he hears Derek Halpert talking shit about him to Jojo as well.  Chad recognizes that he could “maybe just keep being chill,” “but apparently [he has] to take it to the limit to get cool again.”  It’s pretty clear that Chad’s definition of “chill” is not my definition of “chill.”  All of the guys lurk around the corner while Chad explains to Derek that “whatever guy like [Chad] stole his girlfriend, it wasn’t [him],” so stop talking shit.  Derek does a nice job of holding his own, assuring Chad that yes, he is terrified of him, but if Jojo is going to ask him a question, he’s going to answer.

Good for you, Derek.  I hope he doesn’t end up smashing your head like a watermelon later.  To no one’s surprise and everyone’s dismay, Chad is given the final rose of the night, ensuring at least one more glorious night of Chad.

A Break from Chad

It’s finally time to leave all the *drama* of the mansion behind and head to romantic....Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the only 1-on-1 date, where he and Jojo go dog sledding and Jojo forces him to talk about the tragedies he experienced in Afghanistan.  Awesome topic of conversation for your first date.  Jojo is pretty infatuated with Luke, repeatedly calling him “hot” and referring to him as a GQ model.  Honestly, I don’t see it.  All I see are dead eyes.  Luke opens up and reveals he’s only willing to live in Austin and Nashville, and he can’t really feel feelings, but being around Jojo makes him feel...something.

In standard Bachelor fashion, this date also ended with a rose and a shitty concert.  For the group date, the guys were taken to run drills and play football at the Steelers’ stadium with a man who has got away with rape.  Cool, ABC.  As expected, the guys all got super competitive, Evan bled for the 45th time, and Jordan looked better than everyone else.  Later that night, Robby reveals he has developed so many serious feelings for Jojo...off camera?  I’m still not convinced that Robby isn’t gay, but I guess it doesn’t really matter seeing as Jojo has basically already picked Jordan.  After she begs Jordan for some reassurance, he gives her the classic “I’m falling for you” line, securing the group date rose and probably the engagement.

Good v. Chad

The main event of last night’s episode, as expected, was the 2-on-1 date with mortal enemies Alex and Chad.  Everyone is rooting for Alex because he’s not Chad, and Chad is just hoping that Alex keeps his name out of his mouth, because otherwise he’s taking Alex’s teeth home with him.  LOL.  After a brief “hike” through the woods, they set up camp and Jojo sequesters Alex first and, like the rest of us, only wants to talk about Chad.  Alex feigns reluctance for .4 seconds before telling Jojo that Chad is a psychopath who won’t stop threatening the guys in the house.  Jojo asks for an example, which is perfect timing seeing as Chad had just threatened to find Jordan at his house...

Jojo asks Chad if this is true, to which Chad says....maybe?  Jojo decides she needs some time to “think about” whether it’s time for Chad to go.  On the one hand, he is a violent maniac who is likely to break someone’s neck.  On the other hand, his mother died 6 months ago.  While Jojo ruminates over this *difficult* decision, Chad lets Alex know he isn’t happy with him.  But he’s not mad, just very disappointed and sad he can’t hurt him.  Always staying on brand, that Chad.  After a few tense minutes of wondering if Chad will just kill Alex, Jojo returns and cuts Chad loose, letting him back into the wild.  While this was obviously the right call, it was poorly executed, because now we’ve got a wild Chad stalking through a dark forest.  But sadly it’s the end of the episode, not the beginning of a horror movie, so we’ll just have to stay tuned...

Chad Behavior

There was just so much CHAD these last two episodes it was nearly impossible to focus on anything/one else.  But the exchanges between Chad and his sidekick Dopey Daniel that cannot go unrecognized.  By this point everyone hates Chad, and Daniel is a little uncomfy about being Chad’s henchman, but is also too scared to not be Chad’s henchman.  So Daniel first tries to tell Chad to “user cooler heads” and “logic reasoning” when talking with the guys, but this doesn’t work.  So, in a horribly executed attempt to find a middle ground, Daniel tries to convince Chad to be a little less Chad.

Daniel: Let’s pretend you’re Hitler. Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler. Daniel:  Okay, well let’s say you’re Donald Trump. If I hang out with you, I look bad. So maybe be like Mussolini, or Bush, you know?

In honor of the one true Chad, here’s a list of the best things that came out of his mouth the last two episodes:

You’re going to die if you don’t chill out.

Evan can die.

Evan’s a really nice guy.

Evan bleeds just thinking about me (honestly, same)

There’s a point where there’s nothing else you can do but get physical.

You think this is a show, and you think you are safe, for now.  But one day, this ends.  And when this ends, you go home.  And when you go home, do you think I won’t find you?  Do you think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?

I’m going to cut everyone’s arms and legs off and then it’s just going to be torsos, and I’m going to throw them in the pool.

The day I hit the door, if it had been anyone’s head, it would have exploded.

I’m a pretty nice guy.  I’m a pretty cool guy.

Did you notice . . .

Where were all of these free weights when Chad was using protein powder and a suitcase to do pull-ups? 

“240 + 280 = 55, so we’re at 600.”

Daniel pretending to be naked and creep out Evan during the credits of last night’s episode. He is amazing.

"He is just out there abusing people.” -  Known Rapist, Ben Roethlisberger

Everything about Evan, but especially him playing football and the way he wore that sweatband.

How many times do you think the word “Chad” was said this week?

Minority Report: RIP Christian and Alibaba. I can’t say I’m surprised that we’ve lost 75% of the minority population by week 4, but I sure am disappointed.  Yes, we still have Grant/Squidward, but there’s something about him that just doesn’t feel right.  Maybe it’s his high voice?  Maybe it’s his enormous chin?  Maybe it’s because he definitely looks like Squidward?  I don’t think there’s a right answer, but it makes no difference.  After last night, the chances of us getting a Blachelor next season are slim to none.  At least we have unREAL...