Week 1: Old Dog, Same Tricks
"From bad boy to Bachelor. We’ve all seen Nick grow.” But, have we? First of all, at no point in his life has Nick ever been a bad boy. He was (and still is) just a douchey toolbag who loves bracelets and fucking girls on TV. And I’m pretty sure he’s still that same person. Sure, he came off as more mature and almost cool on the most recent season of Paradise. But keep in mind that everyone else on that show was either (1) in their early 20s; and/or (2) retarded. So forgive me if I remain skeptical AF that Nick is going to be any different this season. Sure enough, as soon as his promo starts rolling my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Like the rest of the world, he’s *shocked* to be the Bachelor, because he’s been on this show looking like a goddamn fool since January 2013.
But don’t think he hasn’t learned from his mistakes. He knows his eyes are shifty, he always looks bored, he’s long-winded, and a tool. But getting his heart broken by two unemployed reality stars has taught him a lot, and he’s ready to show us what he’s learned. Gag. But before we can get to the ladies, Nick sits down with the Ghosts of Bachelor’s Past for one more reminder that (1) everyone thinks he sucks; (2) he was cool on Paradise; (3) he’s totally going to find love.
That’s Me In the Spotlight.
As in years past, we start by meeting a few girls that ABC wants us to keep our eyes on this season:
Rachel: She’s a 31-year-old corporate defense attorney who runs fake meetings and takes sloppy notes on a legal pad. But like all corporate lawyers, she works hard AND plays hard by .... vacuuming!
Danielle M.: Our first small business owner who opened her first nail salon at age 23 thanks to daddy. She’s definitely one to watch, mostly because she’s so hot and reminds me of Brit.
Vanessa: Despite the fact that she’s a special needs teacher sporting 4-inch heels and skinny jeans to work, Vanessa--much like Rachel--seems like an intelligent, cultured woman who may have accidentally signed up for this show instead of The Apprentice.
Josephine:
Raven: Yet another small business owner whose voice and long black hair reminds me of Pensatucky from Orange is the New Black (minus the whole meth thing).
Corinne: THE WORST. Instantly, the worst. She “runs” her family business, which is worth millions by the way. She lives with her parents. And. AND. Her childhood nanny RAQUEL!! My god. Raquel. Pray for Raquel.
Alexis: The troll of the group, Alexis makes it pretty clear right away that she will do literally anything for laughs because her parents neglected her as a child.
Danielle L.: Immediately giving me Whitney vibes with her terrible high voice and respectable job working with babies. She seems incredibly *nice* (read: boring and lacking personality), but I’m sure she’ll make it far because in another life Nick would end up with her.
Taylor: A “mental health counselor” with a Masters from Johns Hopkins who should definitely know better than to sign up for this show. Then again, she’s 23 and has clearly never actually worked as a mental health counselor before. She also mentions that both white and black girls don’t like her because she’s biracial, but I’m guessing the real reason is that shes just terrible.
Liz: I have so many problems with Liz, and we will get to all of them in due time, but first and foremost: it was tacky AF to read her Maid of Honor speech from her iPhone at a televised Bachelor wedding.
You Don’t Have to Put on the Red Light.
The limo entrances this year left much to be desired, but I think that’s a good sign that not all of these girls are daft. From what we saw, the entrances can be categorized as either cute, terrible, or sexual. In the “cute” group we have the normal girls like Vanessa and Danielle M. and Sarah (the “runner up”). I also liked Rachel’s reference to her fantasy league because she’s just like us! In fact, that could be you one day! But then I’d be writing about how you dumb you sound. In the category of “terrible” entrances, we have the likes of Christen, a wedding videographer in a tacky yellow prom dress from Forever 21 who waves a Chinese fan around and then talks to Nick in a baby voice. I hate her so much. Not surprisingly, Josephine placed herself in this category by showing up with a terrible wig and offering Nick an uncooked hot dog.
Taylor also confirms that she is as dumb as she looks by letting Nick know that all of her friends think he’s a complete piece of shit. But don’t worry, she doesn’t believe them and is totally here for the #rightreasons. A considerable number of women went with the “sex” route, because apparently ABC is sex-positive only when it’s The Bachelor. Hailey lets him know she’s not wearing underwear, which is pretty nasty given the 12+ hours they have to spend sitting around that house sweating, drinking and vying for his attention. Astrid offers up her titties while speaking German, while Lacey shows up on a camel and makes a lame “hump” joke. Liz is the last sex-related entrance worth mentioning, because she has already had sex with him. She isn’t sure if Nick is going to remember her, but as soon as she steps out of the limo and his eyes get shifty it’s pretty obvious he knows exactly who she is. The question is whether he knew this was coming, or if he’s just terrible at playing it cool. Maybe both. Chris Harrison, however, is pretty terrible at playing it cool and makes it pretty obvious this was all a set up.
Shark or Dolphin?
Once all the girls have arrived, Nick kicks off the cocktail party with a sappy pre-rehearsed speech about how he’s looking for a woman who feels empowered and will be his partner and that every woman is worth dating. I think he’s trying to do this thing called “feminism,” but he doesn’t quite stick the landing because everything about him screams “I’m a beta bitch boy.” Throughout the night the girls talk about how *hot* Nick is and how they wish they hadn’t worn red. Meanwhile, Alexis is having the time of her life performing the dance moves from Katy Perry’s halftime show and demanding that everyone admit she is dressed as a dolphin, not a shark.
Now generally I’m not a fan of those so desperate for attention, but Alexis is hilarious. She’s clearly trolling everyone the whole time, and most of the girls are too dumb to notice. Meanwhile, Corinne is solidifies herself as the villainous slut of the season by handing Nick a bang of rape tokens and letting him know he can use them for “whatever he wants.” She later steals Nick from Vanessa just to kiss him and then proceeds to tell everyone about the kiss the rest of the night, because as Raquel could surely tell you, it’s all about Corinne. The most awkward conversation of the night comes when Liz finally gets a chance to talk to Nick. Her presence on this show is incredibly suspect for a number of reasons, but the clear one being that she slept with Nick, he asked for her number, she said NO, and now, 9 months later, she’s on the show trying to date him. Naturally Nick asks what we’re all thinking:
According to Liz, she had a “stereotype” about him when she met him, then saw him on Paradise and he wasn’t that “stereotype,” but doesn’t like to ask for people’s numbers because she thinks if it’s meant to be it will work out.
So not only does Liz have no idea what the word “stereotype” means, but she is also completely full of shit. She clearly slept with him because he was good-looking and wanted to be able to say “I slept with Tricky Nick,” but knowing he was a douchebag she wasn’t interested. After learning he was going to be the Bachelor, she thought “well shit, I bet they’ll let me on the show and I can get some screen time.” Lucky for her the Bachelor producers are sluts for dumb drama, but she really should have practiced her defense to a #rightreasons accusation.
Roses are Red
The remainder of the night was uneventful. Rachel got the first impression rose which was surprising but also not surprising. Surprising because the Bachelor has a race problem and most men they pick aren’t necessarily interested in women of color. Not surprising because Rachel seems incredibly intelligent and down to earth, and you can tell they really hit it off. Noticeably, the girls this season all seem to have real jobs (minus the “Law School Graduate” and the “Witch”) and the ones who actually work are being heavily featured (not counting Corinne).
It’s refreshing to see women who aren’t flight attendants and dental hygienists, but it also makes the show even less realistic. For example, these small business owners can’t just leave their businesses and move out to LA with Nick to shill white strips in on Instagram. So is Nick willing to move to be with them? Notably, we didn’t spend any time talking about where Nick lives and if he actually has a job, which makes me wonder if ABC wants to ignore that aspect so they can keep flaunting their “accomplished” contestants without addressing the fact that the whole point of this show is for two people to *fall in love* and get married and live happily ever after, in the same city. It will be interesting to see these seemingly more intelligent women navigate through the familiar obstacle course this season, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything revolutionary. After all, like the Bachelor himself, this show is just an old dog with the same tricks.
Did you notice . . .
The b-roll of Nick running around Millennium Park and strolling down Clark street in a button down is the laziest attempt to convince us that he hasn’t been living in LA and *modeling* for the past 3 years.
Susannah’s beard massage.
Christen (terrible yellow dress) talks to Nick like he’s a puppy that she’s training. She’s terrible and has GOT TO GO.
A lot of these women are really young, which makes their desire to date a 36-year-old professional Bachelor even more pathetic than your average Bachelor contestant.
Jasmine G. is a dancer for the Golden State Warriors. Hope she makes it to the final four and then blows a 3-1 lead.
Nick repeating “civil defense litigation” like he’s trying to learn Spanish
Corinne was always posing in the background of shots, knowing the camera was on her. Watch for it. God I hate/love her so much.
Fun fact: dolphins are the only other animals (besides humans) who have sex solely for pleasure. Seems like a missed opportunity by Alexis.
Nick begrudgingly giving Josephine a rose, clearly because the producers want her to stick around a few weeks.
Minority Report: We have a TON of minorities this season. And by a ton, I mean 8 out of 30 (25%)! We lost at least 3, I think (it’s hard to keep track, they all look alike), but I am INCREDIBLY optimistic about this season. The previews (and the limo music) make it seem like Rachel goes pretty far, so it looks like for the first time ever we might have a Blachelorette (Black Bachelorette). Now this of course begs the question of whether Nick actually likes Rachel or is keeping her around because he’s a puppet and ABC REALLY needs more diversity. It will be an interesting relationship to watch develop, and I’m sure haters and Trump’s America will claim it’s basically affirmative action, but it’s 2017, so I’ll remain optimistic for now.
