#back inury

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

MAJOR TW FOR IRL VERBAL ABUSE/FAMILY ABUSE/ABLEISM UNDER THE CUT.

So, I asked my parents if I could defer for a semester (I only have one semester left), as my body is falling apart and I want to be able to do good enough work in this last semester to get a feasible grant for grad school. Mom said that if Dad can afford it, she can afford it. Dad said:

ASSHAT

THIS SPECIFICALLY

Fucking!!!!! ASSHAT!!!!!

AND ALSO

My current dx confirmed BY DOCTORS (not counting all the various flavors of neurodivergent) are fibromyalgia, unspecified back & chest muscle problems, unspecified chronic pain (possibly burnout-linked), bad hips and allergies to almost every plant in the state (that seems minor until you're trying to sneeze with nonfunctional chest muscles). My SUSPECTED dx, as in suspected BY DOCTORS, are spinal nerve damage, endo, and EDS. I have a documented history of back injuries. Every single prof and all my friends have told me that I'm not in shape to be in school rn, despite the fact that I REALLY WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL.

Also heavily disparaged over phone call were the idea of me going on medicare/medicaid (while complaining about how it was going to be so expensive to insure me), my "choice" to work 20 hr/week alongside school for the last two semesters (while complaining that I cost too much to feed/house), the fact that he doesn't remember me getting injured (he literally helped me through one of my worse back injuries over the phone), and the existence of my limp & my cane (DO NOT INSULT STICK! STICK IS FRIEND AND STICK WAS A VERY LUCKY FIND.)

....like yes I have always geen grateful beyond words for my parents funding me. They don't have to do that at all, I'm 26 ffs and this is my second try re: college/living on my own.

but also. what the fuck is this?

....and if I tell you that this guy works as a nurse in psych wards*

*probably not actually an issue there, he only treats me this way.

[aprilkristin]

minor setback

Five minutes into the warm-up during Zumba class on the 12th, I suddenly felt a sharp and intense pain in my low back. No no no oh nooo, not good . After the warm-up, I hobbled over to change the music and tried to stretch out my back, to no avail. Freaking out because the class had only just begun, I told the class that my back was hurting, that I would be taking it down a notch, but that they should continue dancing their hearts out. So I (stupidly) smiled through the pain and continued on with the rest of class, which thankfully still went well.

Then I made my second stupid decision to go to Trader Joe’s instead of going right home (couldn’t turn down the cheaper prices, even in that moment). I don’t know if it was from my back pain or from panic or because I hadn’t eaten, but on the train ride home I became dizzy and my vision started to darken and blur, to the point where I couldn’t make out the faces of the two people standing directly in front of me. I was standing, so I gripped the pole a little tighter, afraid that I might faint, though my legs didn’t really feel weak. When the train car seemed practically black, I tried not to completely lose my shit by telling myself your stop is next, almost there and it’s okay you’ll be fine a bajillion times. I wondered if I should ask someone to call for 911 once we got to the station. When I got to the station, I slowly walked off and out of the station, and my vision cleared and my head stopped spinning. Luckily it didn’t happen again so it might have been a low blood sugar reaction (according to my doctor).

My back, however, was far from okay. I couldn’t move without any pain, and needed Vince’s help to do anything other than sitting down and standing up, and even that was difficult. The rest of that day I occasionally burst into tears, partly from pain but mostly from frustration. Because I knew this was far more serious than any other “my back hurts” episodes I’d had. Because it would be a costly recovery. And because I knew it would mean a long hiatus from Zumba, and worst of all, an interruption in my plans for the studio.

Thankfully the doctor and physical therapist said that it’s not anything major like a herniated disc or nerve issue. They said it was likely a muscle strain and an aggravated/inflamed disc, though I had to rest for two days before starting PT because I had such difficulty moving. Vince has been home with me during this whole ordeal, because he’s waiting to start a new job, and thank god cause I seriously don’t know how I would manage on my own. My family came by to check up on me, and my dad was so worried that he got me a cute “get well soon” balloon and chocolate :).

[flowers as a pick-me-up (which I later accidentally killed womp) || cutest balloon from my dad]

The doc prescribed an anti-inflammatory, but I stopped taking it after a week because it upset my stomach too much, which in turn interfered with my self-prescribed treatment of Ben and Jerry’s. Seriously, the first time I went out for a walk was for free cone day. I canceled all my classes, but became fixated with staying active on social media for my studio (I became particularly obsessed with the Word Swag app). I set up a makeshift standing desk so I could work from home, because sitting for long periods made the pain worse.

[I spent an unnecessarily long time deciding on the layout and font for this Word Swag creation || the best cheerleaders a girl could ask for]

Those first few days were just plain awful and shitty, but it sure as hell made me realize how lucky most of us are to be able to walk. I tried to go back to work today but the pain worsened from having to sit so much. But still, I'm lucky that I’ve got such amazing support system, that I have insurance, and that it wasn’t anything more serious that could’ve required surgery. I’m gaining more mobility and feeling less pain each day, and keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be back to normal soon. Or heck, maybe even stronger than before.