#bad brain stuff

[phantoms-lair]

I wonder how much of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria breaks down to when your brain is constantly telling you that you're horrible and no one would ever want to have anything to do with you, it just takes very little outside influence to confirm it.

[twogchamp]

ND things i’m really hoping other people can relate to

“you touched my arm and now i have to cut it off”

“i blinked wrong. i have to do it again. again. again. again. again. okay that’s better.”

“sorry i didn’t quite catch that. sorry could you just- yeah. what? huh? no i didn’t get that- could you just write it down?”

directions just go in one ear and out the other

and god forbid i have to talk to anyone with an accent

“i didn’t listen to that song right. i have to do it again. again. again. again. again. okay, better.”

the r a g e when your plan/routine gets disrupted

“oh that leaf brushed my left hand? okay cool now i gotta brush it against my right hand in exactly the same way or else i’ll Die”

“this has to be symmetrical or i will gouge my eyes out because it feels BAD”

the exhaustion that sometimes follows talking about a special interest

getting overwhelmed talking about/interacting with your special interest

“what emotion is this?”

“this is the only song i can listen to and it brings me a genuine feeling of relief/release to hear it. i must loop it over and over until i suddenly hate it. i don’t know why.”

randomly finding yourself thinking/talking like a robot and having to consciously switch on emotions/empathy

or the other way around, if you get overwhelmed

“loud noises are fucking terrifying and i will cry if i get caught off guard by one”

“someone i don’t like/trust/know touched this thing and now i can’t until it’s been washed”

p a i n

where is the pain coming from? idk.

what’s itching??? where is that???

“wow that hurt! okay, i gotta do it again”

feel free to add on!!

[naomiknight-17]

So one of the reasons I tend to procrastinate is my fear of failure

What if I post a new video and no-one watches it? What if I make an Instagram post and it gets no views, or gets negative feedback? What if I'm just not good enough?

What if I finally monetize my blogging and vids and no-one contributes?

It's only been 2 hours since I launched my Kofi. I'd been meaning to do it for months. My terror of going broke finally overrode my fear of failure.

No notes. No donations or tips. No nothing

It's only been 2 hours. I need to advertise more and give it a few days. I know.

But the shitty part of my brain is like

"See? I knew you'd fail. Why did you even bother?"

Shut up brain

[sharisquatch]

I promise I'll be back to my regularly scheduled M blogging in 2 to 3 business days.

My creativity and ability to people has deserted me for the moment.

[monsterquill]

me: I am lonely and crave human interaction

also me:

[heedra]

hey! ive been in a starved depressed fugue state all day! what gives!

[chal-converts-archive]

Ugh so I am definitely that person who either responds .2 seconds later, or two days (or two weeks, or two years) later and there is no in between and it has nothing to do with you or what you said most probably and I'm sorry.

[corvus-christi]

my social support network imploded this week

and i’m just trying not to think about it trying not to think about it because at this point nothing comes of thinking about it except anger and sadness

so i try to focus on enjoying things and distracting myself

and then in the process of doing so i come across something that i want to show one of them or i think of something i want to tell one of them

or i reference a memory of them

because they’ve been my primary social group for five years so they’re in a lot of my best memories

and i just remember that i’m never going to have that with them again. i might not even ever talk to them again

because i can’t forgive what they did and i can’t unknow what i know

(the thing that drives me wild is this conflict didn’t even have to happen. it served no purpose. except maybe to show me how little i could rely on them before i tried to do so in an even more serious circumstance.)

so i guess i just need to keep busy until it stops hurting so much

i kind of want a drink

i don’t know if a drink would help or hinder my goal of not thinking about it

soon i’ll be able to go to sleep, which will be good. the past couple weeks have mostly been an exercise in problem solving where the problem is always how to pass the time until i can sleep again

also this was really unfortunate timing to run out of meds

a happy note: i just watched san junipero and it was Gay and Good