One "fun" (difficult) and "delightful" (awful) feature of my damage and weaponization is that I am full of hair-trigger rage - intense, vicious, retaliatory, and very righteous-feeling rage, which can be summoned at will with countless different thoughts or memories, or invoked unbidden with certain kinds of external provocation.
Usually it is cooly hidden out of sight, and it's really dormant more often than it is not.
It is very well-managed - if it wasn't I wouldn't have made it very far. I'm sure there were times when my parents, or the parents of some kids I interacted with, worried I might turn into a violent criminal one day. Let me be absolutely clear - I sometimes physically hit other kids, sometimes as hard as I could, on a couple occasions with sticks or other objects, driven by retributive or punitive rage, back when I was in elementary and middle school sometimes. Most of them did something significantly bad, but some didn't. But I was mostly kept in check by a pretty good sense of when it was not safe to lash out, an okay-ish sense of when it was not constructive, and I was blessed by universal empathy for suffering and an early-developed habit of eventually circling back to good-faith idea-fitting of others and critical review of myself. So I've never hurt anyone without eventually feeling empathetic suffering for it, or seeing angles where it maybe wasn't necessary.
There was a lot of choosing my values, a lot of judging my feelings on how accurately they matched my values, and a lot of watching, trying, and practicing what thoughts would invoke or not invoke my anger, so that my natural automatic emotions would be more accurate to my values and the rest of my feelings, like empathy.
But it's still in me. My mind got built thoroughly optimized for anger. My brain is wired to rage readily. Too readily.
And when I feel it, it can be metabolized at a moment's notice into hostility or violence, and a motivation to not relent until I am confident something in the target buckled in a relevant lasting way, backed by a conviction that it is very good, kinda wanting that satisfaction of feeling that break.
To be clear, this is a good tool to have in your emotional toolbox. In fact I think many people's problem is not enough of this, but it's a weapon, or it turns you into one, so it needs to be aimed with pretty good discernment. It's a good tool for emergencies, not for daily life - for hurting and harming, and I'm pretty sure most of life doesn't need hurting and harming, no matter how good and surgical and ripple-predicting you can be with it.
Anyway, perhaps in those moments, when the rage is at peak intensity, I am even wrathful. I think it is fair to say that I can be wrathful - that there are moments when wrath flows within me, and that the channels for that flow are even well-built, deep, wide, reinforced canals. I can choose to be one with the wrath, and separately, I can choose to act per the wrath. But I don't make those choices very much if ever, because I am other flows of cognition at the same time.
Anyway, while no one would diagnose me with anger management problems (unless they were wrongly biased by this angle of myself without all the other very relevantly balancing and mitigating angles), it's not exactly a perfectly calibrated emotion.
I feel a lot of anger, in a lot of situations, where it's just inaccurate. Where it's a reaction to an inaccurate sense of how bad things or people are, or an inaccurate level of anger versus how much would be useful or fair.
If I bump myself painfully on anything - angry. Especially head impacts - literally instantly emotionally ready to throw fists at faces. Will I? No, I'm not a chimp, I've got my shit under control.
I spill something? The options are bemusement, tiredness, and rage.
Perceive, remember, or just think of what I'd call "bad cognition" in any other mind too vividly? Rage.
I've talked a lot about my root insecurity on here, but I first had to reverse-engineer that it was an insecurity - the most common experience of it for most of my life was rage. Figuring out why I felt the rage when I did, despite knowing mitigating information such as people's good intentions, was part of the process that led to prediction trees and so on.
Lemme tell you folks, when they had the Hulk say "you wanted to know my secret [for staying in control]? I'm always angry" - hooo boy those words know. I referred to that as an explanation after a work meeting once, after being complimented on not getting frustrated and staying patient and constructive. Most people aren't ready to manage the anger they can feel because they've spent basically no time with it as intense as it can go. But if you're used to spiking there regularly, and taking a while to come back down. You eventually learn how to be normal during it. And if you're already kinda feeling it, there's less room for a sharp enough anger to compel a behavior change.
