#bad match

[howifeltabouthim]

They didn't understand what had happened . . . It was as if something terrible—demonic—had happened to these young people as soon as they'd gotten married . . .

Joyce Carol Oates, from The Falls

[anyu-blue]

So a friendship ended... But luckily in this case it's absence leaves room for better things to grow.

I was rambling in the tags of my previous reblog, but yeah...

'friend' decided that Empathy and Sympathy mean the same thing, that I am not, in fact, an empath/able to put myself in others' shoes/sometimes unwilling pulled or made to feel things against my will (experience things that aren't may own), that NO ONE could feel what he feels or know what he's going through, that I have a messiah complex, that he 100% wants something (that I, being me, cannot/will not provide), and that families and friends cannot possible hold one another accountable/truly be honest with each other.

I have tried very hard for months to be patient with this man. Tried very hard to be a good friend and more. Tried very hard to give him the benefit of the doubt too. But, well, he isn't worth my time and effort I've decided.

Maybe I'm wrong in that I'm an empath and I've just got another form of psychosis. I fully admitted it was a possibility... But I was honestly helped by people being willing and able to kindly explain how they could put themselves into my shoes almost perfectly and WERE me at one point- with all my experiences and feelings... Not with the same names and faces of course, but knowing my experiences aren't so unique and I wasn't so alone as I thought was such a comfort to me. And it certainly feels like I can do the same that they were describing of being in others' shoes.. and that sometimes too it's involuntary..

Of course I was a stubborn teenager at the time I was being told all of this and going through that teenagery 'you don't know what it's like!!' stage... But I learned. I was able to step back and take stock when my hormones weren't flying all over the place (made worse by an undiagnosed hormone disorder at the time (woo nonbinary body!), but I still managed with help and good role models)... I'm sad my former friend never got that and can't clearly draw understanding of stuff like that. He's into his 30s so, well.. it's harder. I get that. In a few years almost on the dot I'll be 30 myself. I know how much harder some of this stuff is now that I'm very much an adult vs when I was a teen.

According to him though... Yes. Empathy and Sympathy are the same thing. Completely overlooking that Sympathy is having a common feeling and being able to feel sorry for someone... And empathy is SHARING a feeling and being able to experience/feel what it is that's being gone through- not just feel sorry (And I'm explaining it this way because he pulled up Definition number two of Sympathy and Definition one of empathy from google and demanded to know how they were different- common vs sharing is definitely a key difference in those Definitions... And Empathy's specified it was an ability on top of that so... Hmm). I wasn't there for that type of ignorance.

Next is the idea that his experience is SO unique I couldn't possibly understand and then his demand of me to explain how he felt if I 'thought I could'. Okay, first of all it's is heckin' RUDE to demand your friends explain how they could 'possibly know' how/why you're bothered by Something... But I did try- after telling him I wanted an apology for him being so rude as to demand that... he half apologised and mostly went into detail about his woeful feelings.... And yet when I told him I made my reply/explanation much earlier in the day and copy/pasted it to our chat from my Docs (which, to be fair, matched what he said incredibly well) he told me that I was 'just regurgitating' what he told me about how he felt. Um... You asked me how you felt and then I told you what it feels like to go through what you're going through and why it's so bothersome (because I've BEEN there myself?)... Only for you to tell me I don't understand and I'm just echoing you rather than feeling anything? Um?? Empathy is FEELING what YOU feel??? Hello??? And you asked me to describe it??? WTF? I wasn't there for THAT either.

And then he had the idea to accuse me of having a messiah complex (because he 'had one too when [he] was younger and had to learn People weren't worth saving'). Okay. I didn't 100% get what that was/didn't entirely trust my gut feeling on the Google Definition... So what did I do? I googled it. And then I asked my sister (without context) if she thought the description matched me before I replied. According to Google and my sister and the rest of my family... I do not have a messiah complex. Not the first Definition of believing to have some calling or right to heal people, nor the second Definition of believing to be responsible for helping people... As I told him I only offer bits and pieces of advice and different outlooks on the same situation because I am trying to be a good friend. Sure I HOPE it'll be helpful or someone might gain Something from it- but I'm not Sharing because I BELIEVE it will solve the problem or that I'm responsible for fixing someone (I know the line is fine and blurry, but I s2g caring for a friend by sharing stuff and believing you HAVE to help someone are TOTALLY different things)... People sharing their experiences and what works for them to help them not be so miserable is what has helped me throughout my life... it's a mark of my best friends. And I truly don't understand some social cues of how sometimes sharing advice or ideas or memories even ISN'T needed, wanted, or helpful... Obviously. (Because I'm clearly neurodivergent- uh, hello?! Can't 100% help it but trying my hardest?!)....

But according to him... I'm just blind and needed to be knocked down a few pegs rather than thinking I'm so great and could possibly understand him/anyone else... Okay. Not here for that.

I admitted to him that sure... Some of my own experiences bleed into empathetic episodes. It happens!! Like when he's told me multiple times that he's been left out with his family (no one shares information or events beyond what's ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED with him- won't tell him a family member is dying but will talk about Christmas sort of deal) and is a black sheep (different political/life views and feelings of only being tolerated) the ways he has... I put my own experiences of being neglected/abandoned into that. He swears he had always been loved and never felt alone/mistreated by his family (even though he's the one who described these things and Is partially why the feelings of abandonment popped up as I went into his shoes more or less-- but hey. Mistakes happen as do unintentional bleeds. I get that it's not perfect because ultimately I'm still me even when experiencing others. I can and will admit to skewing some things like so on accident if it's true.. but I refuse to believe I understand absolutely nothing at all when we are ALL human and typically have emotions and certain reactions to certain things. Most of us REALLY aren't THAT unique!! Sorry.. it's extremely true based on science's understanding/research anyway).

One of the last things he said to me after accusing me of the messiah complex was he just wants me to 'listen and agree' with him about stuff instead of telling him about my/other ways of looking at things, telling him he's off the mark, or trying to help with the misery.... When previously (and over and over and over) having demanded my absolute honesty and having said he appreciates what I do.... I will not lie to him and say he's right in what he's doing or does with a given situation if he's wrong or looking at it through a lens. Duh. That's 'bad' friend stuff. And sure I can listen no problem!! IF I am told outright/first that what he's saying is JUST a vent and not supposed to be a conversation at all. I've mentioned I need that sort of thing!! If it's just a vent, tell me!!! I'll stfu and listen knowing that... But I'm SORRY I CANNOT just outright TELL. It's not a skill I have!! I HAVE been attempting to get better at it... But anyone can tell you text is especially HARD. Especially when we DO have a conversation about it? A back and forth? And you NEVER once say 'i don't want your take. I just want you to listen.' Even my own sisters and I have to stop ourselves and go... Hey... I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm just venting. And then everything gets so much easier!!! And if we can open with that- 'hey, can I vent to you?' OMFGGGGGGGG it's SO much EASIER!!!

... and yet still.. following that... I am INCREDIBLY LUCKY... Because in venting or in sharing and asking for advice and more... MY family is made up of the type of people who can step back and be unbiased!!! And we can stop each other and TELL each other if we are, in fact, fucking up!!! I mean sure... There's always going to be that love and desire for better for one another... Be ALL of us are under the impression that sometimes the people we love are WRONG and sometimes they are BAD no matter how much we don't want them to be.. and it's far kinder to be honest and take the 'right' side than to give each other all the quarters we want. We cannot learn and/or grow if we cannot hold each other accountable... And Sharing experiences and saying why is designed to be a kindness no matter if it actually helps them or not.. But guess what my 'friend' thought of that? ROFL I was obviously under the incorrect impression and my family will always take MY side simply because I'm family...

In the end...

I do NOT need a 'friend' like that. Who questions everything I do, demands more of me/everyone than I/anyone can provide, who cannot and will not learn or be open to learn in any form, and who takes - dude, you're pissing me off. Fuck off for the night and maybe we can talk again in the morning once we've both gotten sleep- as a 'challenge' to prove this that or the other thing and attack their friend... What the ever loving FUCK is WRONG with you?!

... if you want to know what started this whole thing... He was complaining that none of his friends 'will' hang out with him anymore. Totally understandable to feel awful and lonely (and everything I described to him that he demanded I do)...

But he kept taking it father saying people always changed their schedules on purpose or clearly had nothing else going on in their lives but avoided him anyway and stuff like that... And I dared to question and suggest that some of us DO have good reasons for canceling and not spending the time he wants/needs... That some of us have offered compromises that have never been enough but we still try and SOMETIMES life really DOES just get in the way!!! Like my being sick all the time!! I don't WANT to stay cooped up in my house every day fearing even a passing cold will knock me off my feet!! But dude!! I HAVE to!! And People don't USUALLY demand schedule changes!! It usually kinda gets thrust upon them!! Hello??? Don't we live in america where that's WIDELY KNOWN?! Where sometimes people CAN'T take what little spare time they have and spend it on YOU?? ESPECIALLY during a PANDEMIC and other big changes??? That sometimes that time NEEDS to be taken up with simple pleasures like a single player game in their own home?! Don't People USUALLY have reasons for their habits too? Prerogatives/needs that they don't or can't share with others during those habits because MAYBE it's what they need and you just happen not to be a part of it but could be if you actually ASKED what was going on?! Or idk... LISTENED to what they're telling you about WHY-- especially when you yourself admit you are the ODD one who needs other people physically around to recharge (where most other people don't/only get more exhausted)?!

In the end... I did tell him that sure... If he's treating his other friends like this (which clearly he was treating me pretty darn awfully) then maybe YEAH some of them do it on purpose. We already know how younger brother (my ex) does and that he's not exactly shy about that. Friends may do it on purpose eventually- especially if he's treating People awfully and accusing them of doing it on purpose when they DON'T have control over it... Maybe they WILL migrate to doing it on purpose because of the accusations and inability to make him believe life is just messy sometimes!! But they don't want to lose an occasionally really great friend (because good or bad losing a friend is HARD on the mind and body) and/or don't see how manipulated they are?

In which case... He deserves it. Just like he deserved my wrath (at least in part- I was told I took it a bit too far in that I didn't block him sooner. I did make that mistake for sure XP) when he decided to be so fucking rude to me and then piss all over my efforts to try and be what constitutes a good friend.

Fuck you, dude. You're clearly not worth my time.

And of course the very very last word he had was 'you deserve better friends than I am right now.'

Which, while true and would have been sweet, is something I know (and he has admitted to in the past) is a 'feel sorry for me' tactic. It's not 100% true remorse any more than 'oh no I fucked up and don't want to deal with the consequences of my fucking up, maybe this will get them to feel sorry and let me do it again/get away with it.' I've used it too and understand the tactic all too well. So again I say and know he's not worth my damn time.

Without him in that space of my life... I have more room for others and especially more for myself. I don't need that toxicity. I've been that person too and I know it. I still have my days. And yet it's still okay and good I've walked away.

Fuck you, dude. You're clearly not a friend for me.

[after-avenging-hours]

I AM LIVID! You're reading Bad Match!!!!!! 😟😟😟😟 Right after I joined tumblr, when I was just getting into the world of fanfiction, I read the Russian Lovers saga and omg that story, among others, helped me mold me as a writer! Please beware english isn't my first language and Bad Match was my first series 😬😬😬 I hope you like it though!

I am loving it so far! You’re very good at getting the emotions and insecurities across. I’ve already shed a few tears and have cheered when she started standing up for herself! It’s so good!! ❤️❤️❤️

[rpmemecache]

Bad Match Sentence Starters

“ Nobody is on dating sites because they’re in search of true love. They wanna meet someone and bring their boring lives a little excitement.  It’s like going to a bar on a Friday night, minus everything that sucks about a bar on a Friday night. “

“ I can sense a person’s drink order, I just need a moment of silence. “

“ You’re leaving? “

“ She’s cute! “

“ You think you’ve just got it all figured out, don’t ya? “

“ Guess who? “

“ You know, I knew we’d get along. What’s your sign? “

“ Dude, you missed the meeting! “

“ My alarm didn’t go off, or something. “

“ Why would you do that? “

“ You knew how important today was. “

“ What kind of a nutjob shuts off somebody’s alarm? “

“ [Name]....There’s been an accident... “

“ Hey, you didn’t answer my texts... “

“ We have a court order to search the premises. “

“ I know it was you. “

“ How does it feel, [Name]? “

“ Enough is enough. “

“ You’re looking at serious jail time. “

“ My life is ruined. “

“ You just wanna make your boring little life, a little more exciting. “

“ Wait, wait, let me guess. ”

“ You don’t mess around, huh? “

“ Sleep tight. “

“ Well, hello. “

[text] “ Thinking of u!!!!!!! “

[text] “ R U mad??? “

“ I screwed up by sleeping with the same lunatic TWICE, against my better judgement. “

“ I thought you said you were sick. “

“ You’re a psycho [Name], never contact me again! “

“ Why do you wanna ruin my life?! “

“ I think I might like you, [Name]. “

[dxdx]

I noticed that i don't really get along with Capricorn girls, and if they have pisces mars oooooh fuck I should run. Worst match for me ever. Probably because of the square to my sun and the opposition to my mars.

[horror-hotties]

Lili Simmons

Horror Cred: Bad Match, Bone Tomahawk

[internutter]

Circus parents scare off an asshole who wants to date one of the twins

There was something odd about Felman Hollo. Mak’arune couldn’t quite put her finger on it for some time. Then she noticed the man making sweet with Lulu just a minute after he’d smooched Koko farewell.

She dithered about it, wondering if it was better that he made the twins happy, or if he didn’t know he was talking to twins, or... or if he was playing with them both. That was the thing that got her confronting him about his life choices.

“I certainly hope you’re not taking any advantages, Master Hollo,” she began.

“Mister,” he corrected, signalling himself as a man of age making sweet with underage kids. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“The twins have been through enough in their lives,” she said, giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. “They don’t need a heartbreak before they come of age.” There. That should be enough information for the intelligent sort.

His forged picture of innocence was completely missed by Mak’arune’s Insight Check. “Twins? I had no idea there were twins... How do you tell them apart?”

Not a word about the maturity gap... Odd. Perhaps he was tackling one problem at the time, though something was amiss about his priorities. “You’ve spent enough time looking into their eyes, I would think.”

He laughed, “More like staring at their assets,” he laughed. “Don’t pretend you haven’t. They’re both gorgeous.”

Euw. Gross. “Do us all a favour and let them down gently. You’ve plainly made a mistake in assuming they’re adults and--”

“There’s no mistake in aiming to be their first,” he said. “It’s an experience they’ll remember for the rest of their lives...”

Double gross! At this point, Mr Pithon, La’ming, and several other circus people stepped out from their places amongst the scenery. Mr Pithon loomed to slightly over eight feet tall while the others cracked their knuckles and made ready with improvised weapons.

Mr Kustaad Paafae made a show of his Orb of Recall. “...no mistake in aiming to be their first,” said the tiny image of Felman Hollo within it. “It’s an experience they’ll remember...” he shut it off.

La’ming had her wand out. “Now before you claim this was all a joke... I cast Zone of Truth!” She actually cast Prestidigitation, since she didn’t have that cantrip, but Hollo would experience a tingle as the sparks flew over him.

He didn’t run an Insight Check. “You want the truth? They look like some pretty sweet ass. I’m gonna be the first one they have and take ‘em for everything they can give, and you can’t stop me!” He pulled out a medallion. “Faerun Intelligence Bureau. I tell the Watch what to do.”

There was a moment of intense silence.

“Not when there’s clear evidence of misconduct,” said La’ming, gesturing to the Orb. “Attacking you might be illegal, but filming you on duty isn’t. Neither is showing local authorities the footage.”

“I can have it transcribed to a scroll in a jiffy,” said Mr Paafae. “My wife has Duplicate. I’m sure you know what that means.”

“I can pay you...”

“Never enough,” said Borstok. “Never. Ever. Enough.”

Mak’arune remembered that she had Shocking Touch, and let sparks of lightning play between her fingertips as a warning.

Hollo ran. He did not return.

Mr Pithon relaxed down to a more comfortable six feet in height. “Miss Mak’arune? Ms Ton? I trust you know this means you’re on mop-up duty.”

“We were going to do it anyway,” said La’ming. “They’re my babies.”

“And I’m rather fond of them,” added Mak’arune. The twins would realise in maybe three more days. Plenty enough time to seed their love-addled minds with hints of the bad news.

Maybe even get them to realise they’d nearly been had.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]

[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]

[grunge-will-rule-again]

The psychological horror movie “Bad Match” is really good. This movie should be way more popular than it is. I haven’t seen a movie like that in ages!