Pantalone and Dottore Raise a Kid (The Headcanons)
First of all, this is like making one of those easy bake muffins or something- How hard can it be? Very hard. And these two would not get muffins, but would somehow get cheesecake. Here's your parenting headcanons, straight off the hot fic press:
-Pantalone is the walking credit card. If you think Targagle buying Zhongli anything the Archon touches was bad, wait until you see the predecessor to his antics: Pants. This man will go out of his way to get the finest of any item Babytorre wants. Even if it means spending thousands upon millions of mora. He is willing to go the distance.
-Overall, the two bicker like an old married couple. Sometimes it gets a little physical. Childe once made the mistake of popping in to check on Babytorre then found the two wildly in disarray, Pantalone with the Doctor shoved halfway up the wall, and a sleeping Babytorre in the other room. All while suspiciously close together. He just assumed they were about to get it on and left as speedy as possible.
-Just in general, they have a pact to not argue in front of the child, let alone speak of a past argument while he is in the vicinity. If they're going to fight, they take it outside. Babytorre cannot find out that they really don't like each other all that much. He cannot.
-Babytorre is not allowed to bathe alone, and it's become a habit that someone bathes with him (might as well take out two birds with one stone, it's not like you'll get time to do it later when you have an innocent child always accidentally running into danger all the time). Babytorre really likes having his hair scrubbed, and Pantalone has mastered the art of not getting soap in the child's eyes, all while knocking him out with head pats and scratches for a little while.
-Pantalone had to teach Dottore how to hold children because this man had no clue. At all. Zero. Zilch. Nada. He literally tried to pick up Babytorre by the wrist at one point and got a smack on the head for it. Pantalone had to awkwardly explain that yes, you have to actually support its main flesh vessel so it doesn't get hurt.
-Don't trust either of them to cook. There's a reason the Fatui have a whole fleet of cooks, okay. These two cannot be allowed to make anything other than hot chocolate for this child, or he might just die from indigestion.
-Dottore actually somewhat comes around, after notoriously hating on Babytorre. He finds that the clone is actually very different from him, and is not another disillusioned copy that wants only attention and fame. This leads to a tentative truce. After a while, Dottore considers him more as his "son-ish creature" rather than an annoying reminder.
-Now there's not just one of the Dottore species sneaking into Pantalone's bed in the middle of the night. There's two, and they are both very cold.
-Dottore's feet and hands- scratch that, his whole body is like an ice cube when he sleeps. Or just in general. Pantalone will not hesitate to whack him with a pillow in the middle of the night if Dottore puts his damn cold feet anywhere near him. Babytorre is okay though, his body is too tiny to really be a disturbance and he warms up quick. But Dottore has gotten shoved out of bed several times by a half asleep Pantalone because he's "too cold."
-I refuse to believe that Dottore even has a bed, he just has a fainting couch that he occasionally crashes on in the lab.
-Don't let these two drink together. Pantalone is very big on playing poker and wining, while Dottore keeps trying to convince him to play glorified Russian roulette. So now it's a high stakes poker game, while Babytorre just plays with the extra cards. Luckily no one's died yet.
-Whenever either of the two has a meeting, they just drop Babytorre off with the other. Though Babytorre now has a sectioned off part of Dottore's lab so he doesn't isn't in the way and doesn't get hurt. It's got a bunch of books with pretty pictures and Dottore's past journals to keep him entertained for a little while, and some of the new clones occasionally drop by to hang out with Babytorre. Turns out, their stress levels have decreased from the usual baseline, which is giving Dottore steady progress on his clones and something to look forward to.
-Pantalone can actually sing decently. Dottore might sound like a dying ostrich, but Pantalone actually has a decent singing voice, and Babytorre really likes his lullabies. Even if they are about mass murder or money. He also likes to be held until he falls asleep, which often leads to Pantalone falling asleep with him. Dottore has to begrudgingly tuck the baby in and carry his co-parent to the actual bed, which he's always grumbling about.
-Dottore sometimes takes untimely naps in the lab, and Babytorre just kind of... plops down in his lap and falls asleep too. The other clones are too scared to join in, but they find it kind of cute and terrifying at the same time.
-Dottore got some substances in his eye at some point, and had to remove his mask. Or at least, it was Pantalone telling him to take off his mask so he can take a look at the damage and put some water on it so it wouldn't burn his eye out, while Dottore very strongly protested. In the end, Pantalone won, but on the sole condition that he didn't stare. What Dottore wasn't prepared for was no questions, a quick and easy solution, then Pantalone went back to work as if nothing had happened. The Doctor is still confused about it.
-Once again, Dottore fell asleep in the lab, except this time Babytorre tucked him in under an old blanket and brought him some water for when he got up. While the child required some assistance reaching the water tap, he has many clones that are now his best friends.
-As Harbingers, these two have a lot to worry about already. So Babytorre can sometimes be a little in the way, though they've both agreed that there will be no shouting or being angry at him. He's just trying his best, and they have full permission to body the other if they step out of line in that case. Pantalone is somehow succeeding, Dottore has gotten bodied twice.
-Babytorre usually hides in Pantalone's coat during meetings and plays with the newest puzzle one of the other clones gives him. Either that, or he wanders around until someone either puts him in their coat or lap. He somehow gets passed back to Pantalone or Dottore at the end of the day though.
-Dinner is usually with the other Harbingers anyways, but Pantalone is always wiping Babytorre's face and scolding him about manners, all the while the Doctor is not eating again, which pisses Pantalone off so much. After the public dinner, Pantalone usually has some food brought back to his office so Dottore can eat in peace or so he can coerce at least a few bites into the Doctor before he gets back to work.
-In general, there is no getting a madman on a logical schedule, so Pantalone has to constantly remind Dottore to at least visit Babytorre every once and a while, even if he won't eat or sleep. Which has turned into an excuse to visit and feed the Doctor, make sure he's actually had a wink of sleep in the past week, and knock him out with a pan if necessary. He's come across some pretty hysterical or downright crazy versions of Dottore, but he has yet to voice judgement, instead sitting him down and getting him some water or vodka.
-Pantalone definitely drinks vodka in a mug unironically. He needs it. He also enjoys wine quite a bit, but only after Babytorre has been put down for bed. He sometimes drinks with La Signora and just bitches about his job.
-Babytorre definitely notices that his new "parents" pretending to tolerate each other has gone beyond just tolerating each other. They each give a fuck a little bit. At least that much.
-They would both kill for Babytorre. That's all you need to know on that point.
-Babytorre has favorite books for each of them. Dottore's shrill and bitchy princess voice is for The Princess and the Pea, Pantalone gets Hansel and Grettle because he keeps muttering snide comments at the "stupid children".
-Screeching in Snezhnayan vs cursing up a storm in Liyuen: the ultimate face off.
-When Babytorre has nightmares, Dottore is always there first, surprisingly. In fact, by the time Pantalone gets there, Babytorre is already being awkwardly comforted and held by the Doctor. Despite supposedly not being able to feel any sort of human attachment, Dottore really does seem to at least try. And it usually works, as Babytorre is asleep in his arms in minutes.
-Babytorre loves getting squished in hugs, and it is the only time these two will willingly touch each other in such a way. The only time.
-Pantalone totally kisses Babytorre's cheek before he goes to bed, it's just his thing.
-He also brushes both Babytorre and Dottore's hair before they wind down for sleep, if he can coax the Doctor into relaxing for two minutes. His success varies, but Babytorre usually almost falls asleep by the time his hair is completely untangled. Dottore usually has to be wrangled like a feral cat, but he looks less deranged by the time Pantalone is done with him.
-Dottore and Babytorre definitely have matching coats. This is non-negotiable. But Babytorre has a blue color scheme like Pantalone's.
Babytorre is about five, so... Imagine trying to wrangle a five year old with your nemesis. I'm surprised they've gotten this far, honestly. How has Babytorre survived this with his sanity intact?
