Oct 15, 2025
I just really want a hug
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I just really want a hug
I’ve reached out to a psychiatrist. I’ve by passed a therapist because I know I need more than that. My parents are aware. They know my difficulties. They know what’s happened in my childhood, things I’ve not shared with anyone. The SA, the shame around it, instances of abandonment etc I’ve managed to confided in my parents through humour and it’s been emotional. Regretful on their part as parents but it is what it is. They’ve expressed how it’s become hard to communicate with me because they don’t want to upset me given my volatile moods and they’re on eggshells around me. Sigh. Not how I saw things going.
This sadness is paralysing. Existing is uncomfortable. Remembering is a death sentence. I know my happiness is in my hands - no one can “make” me happy, because it’s something that I need to work on. Where do I start though? Why am I passively suicidal - still? What’s the deal?
Closeness feels soothing and absence feels unbearable. I’ve become so fucking sensitive. And what’s worse - my reward system is unfortunately wired to uncertainty - because of the inconsistency I’ve let myself get used to.
Lately my memories feel like swiss cheese, holes everywhere. I know things happened, but I can’t hold onto the details. I can’t recall. My superpower memory has been hijacked by my broken amygdala and it’s a sad state of affairs because it was never like this. My brain genuinely feels like mush. My heart rate increases so quickly and the anxiety I experience is suffocating. Random. My urge to run or get out for air is so strong because my chest feels so tight. I can’t live like this. I don’t have the patience to. Beta blockers would help.
I just want to feel safe and at peace. I would do anything to feel this way. Throw my phone away, move to the hills whatever the fuck just please calm my nervous system because this fight/flight/freeze situation isn’t cutting it. It’s making me sick. I’ve even contemplated drugs in the past so much as procuring them and staring at it for days before confiding in a friend and having it disposed. I know I’m not as healthy as I appear to be rn.
I’ve noticed time and time again in multiple situations that i struggle to recall details, form arguments, or find the right words in the moment. I can literally see the arguement moving in circles around me but I can’t keep up. I know what’s happened but I can’t put it into words fast enough. It’s like I freeze in the moment and only think of the right response hours later. It feels like fog in my brain though. I don’t even make sense.
Idk man. Aspirations so high, motivation so low, letting myself and the people I love down repeatedly and then berating myself for it. It’s a neverending cycle of failure.
If something happened to me, I really think that would be okay. I’m just so tired.
I couldn’t give a fuck about how I’d pass the depression on rn either ( as selfish as that sounds..) some days I just can’t be asked to be empathetic or considerate. I’m not gonna off myself but idk? Maybe pneumonia or tuberculosis given my shitty immune system would do it?
How can someone with such a sick brain even be a doctor? The irony. Helping others when you can’t even help yourself.
I'm having a #BadBrainDay, today, with my #Dysautonomia flaring up - so I'm going to watch some comfort movies - #SomeLikeItHot and then Sabrina. My absolute favourites. Struggling with #ChronicIllnesses is really tough, sometimes but having #Marilyn & Audrey supporting me (as they were *also* #ChronicallyIllBitches) and being in my corner, makes me smile. Here's a little story about Marilyn, on set of SLiH... Posted with @DittoRepost #dittorepost • @admiringmarilyn “There were days that Marilyn didn’t show up. One day Marilyn was there but she wouldn’t come out of her dressing room so Billy Wilder came over to me and he said ‘Sandra, you’re a singer. I want you to get on the stage, get to the microphone. I’m going to put the playback on low.’ Of course, the song ‘Running Wild’ was on, Marilyn was singing it and he said ‘If Marilyn hears your voice instead of hers, she’ll come out of her dressing room.’ So the playback on and Marilyn came out of her dressing room. She walked to the stage as she looked at Billy and Billy said ‘From the top!’” —Sandra Warner (she played Emily of Sweet Sue’s Band in ‘Some Like It Hot’) 🌸 [ID: A colour photo, featuring Marilyn Monroe from the set of Some Like It Hot. She is wearing black satin & holding a white ukulele. A group of blonde women, holding other instruments are in the background. Behind Marilyn, Jack Lemon can barely be seen, dressed in drag] #MarilynMonroe #SomeLikeItHot #BillyWilder #OldHollyWood #cinema #50s https://www.instagram.com/p/CYswgjRvf46/?utm_medium=tumblr
Anyone else get dizzy when they sew? No? Just me? Haha Not sure if I'm getting my #pacemaker too close or what haha Cool sewing stickers from @littlepineneedle 's merch. #SewBlessed #Sewing #BadBrainDay #dysautonomia #pots #ncs #fibro #fibromyalgia #chronicillness #chromicpain #crafty https://www.instagram.com/p/CD07GTZp9x2/?igshid=neoturd25o8l
I'm having a terrible #BadBrainDay, today, with this 43° heat but Pip is keeping me company ❤ Thinking of my fellow #Spoonies, today 🥄🥄🥄 [ID: a close up of my pale face. I am lying on my stomach. The camera moves to show Pip, a black labcross, resting on my bum & yawning] #dysautonomia #spoonie #SpoonieLife #dogs #PuppyLove #PipTheKraken #Fibromyalgia #InvisibleDisabilities #InvisibleDiseases #SendSpoons https://www.instagram.com/p/B7-CJx3n-Qeeuj9KmvML_dNJY7wRY8q0ZOezSc0/?igshid=1ujo9ocyv1jh3
How my brain feels [ID: A panel from the webtoon, Lore Olympus. A purple background. A blue Hades in dark suit pants & a white collard shirt is crumpled forward on the ground & his head is being stomped on by Ares. All you can see of Ares are his dark boots & trousers] #dysautonomia #BadBrainDay #LoreOlympus #hades #mood https://www.instagram.com/p/B6-NDt6nVze/?igshid=59440ilodd0n
having a #badbrainday, which calls for my #thewednesdayclub shirt & woobie-hat. #selfie #trntaclemadestudios https://www.instagram.com/p/B5nx05ng1HA/?igshid=1w9w9zhy3nwyi
Having a #BadBrainDay. I'm thankful for my new big bed. Makes #LayingButSlaying a little more confortable 😴 #dysautonomia #DysautonomiaAwareness #NeuroCardiogenicSyncope #PostSyncope #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #pots #InvisibleDiseases #InvisibleDisabilities #invisibleillness #ncs #pacemakerlife #pacemamer #ChronicIllness #ChronicallyFabulous #Fibromyalgia https://www.instagram.com/p/B4g7UsagNBa/?igshid=1gnn8t5rlbgx2