You need more seances in your life, Aquarius. Schedule up to three seances a day for the next six months. You will find that your connection to the metaphysical world stays just about the same, but you will feel like you’ve accomplished something.
If you have a job interview in the near future, it will be wise to Facebook stalk your interviewer. Make sure to talk at length with them about their very first profile picture, you know, the one from years ago when they had that haircut they hated.
This all feels way too much like a bad music video, don’t you think?
Darling Astrid, where did I go so wrong? I have climbed to the peak of the mountaintop where we shared our first - and last - true picnic. (You always said that a true picnic was a picnic that included more than one, but less than five, cans of tuna.) I have gazed into the same fog that we once gazed into, and paged through the same journals that you once wrote in. The pages of these journals are now empty, the words and drawings inside vanished. Where have they gone, Astrid?
You’ll get your horoscope when you get some self-respect, Gemini.
You will wake from a deep sleep this week, to find your own shadow hovering over you, inches from your face. You will feel its slow, raspy breath brush your nose and cheeks. You will stare into the inky depths of its face. You will recognize its shape as your own, but everything else about it will be so, so different. You will turn the light on, but this will make it grow only larger. On nights like these, try Aunt Pam’s Anti-Shadow Spray™. Bad Horoscopes Weekly, sponsored by Aunt Pam’s Anti-Shadow Spray™.
The clock tower at the center of town hasn’t stopped chiming, and you think you may be going insane. You are crouched in the corner of a studio apartment that you’re not sure belongs to you, and you are clutching at your ears as the sound of terror reveals its menacing self, and it shouts DING - DONG - DING - DONG - DING - DONG - DING -
You will see someone this week who you haven’t seen in a long, long time. You will not be happy about it. Pretend you’ve forgotten how to speak.
You often ask yourself, Libra, if you would be able to live without your phone. But what you should really be asking yourself is if your phone would be able to live without you.
Will you have time for lunch today, Scorpio? What about tomorrow? Or the next day? This is the first thing you need to consider. If you don’t plan when you’re having lunch, you may never have another lunch in your life.
Sagittarius, did that tree face just blink? Or are you imagining things again?
I know you want me to take back what I said, Capricorn, but you should know I’m physically incapable of doing that. I am unable to do any take-backsies, and I’m finally starting to come to terms with it, okay?
