Like a temporary tattoo, Aquarius, your week will be short-lived, disappointing, and probably the wrong color.
Invest in a suit of armor this week. Wear it to your next family gathering. Trust me, you will not regret having the protection. Tell your aunt you have changed career paths and are now becoming a knight.
Have you looked outside recently? Glance out the window for a quick second. Doesn’t it look strange? Is the sky supposed to be glowing like that? Is smog usually that color, and so thick? It looks like a mixture of indigo food dye and tears. If you go out in this weather, promise me you’ll be careful. Last time the sky was like this, I went outside and lost my ability to -- no, never mind, I shouldn’t scare you. You can go outside. Just be safe.
Do you see your face in the barber shop mirror, Taurus, and fail to recognize the eyes staring back at you? Suddenly they are pure pitch black, stretching blank from eyelid to eyelid. Then you blink and forget what you have seen. It will be to your advantage to blink and forget this entire week, Taurus.
I do not want to see what horrible books you have hidden in your oversized purse, Gemini.
You will be prone to making impulsive decisions this week, such as opening a portal to Hell itself. The flames lick at the soles of your feet and you will briefly second-guess your choice. There is no turning back, though, Cancer.
That hat does not look as good on you as you think, Brian.
You should get a trophy this week, Virgo. You really should. “World’s Absolute Least Amount of Effort.” Throw yourself a little award ceremony on public access television. Really. You deserve it.
Darling Astrid, a scent-memory of your lemon bar breath fills my nostrils today. You loved the taste of lemon and you loved how I hated it. Since the “event,” however, I have started to like lemon more. Am I trying to appease you, from so far and so long away? I suck on a lemon-flavored hard candy and wring my hands.
Feral cats, feral bats, feral rats, feral gnats, feral brats, feral whatever-you-call-thats.
You may feel as though you are making progress this week, Sagittarius, but in reality you are standing as still as a tree. You have become a tree. Your toes stretch and transform into roots, penetrating the dirt beneath your feet. You let out a wail as you feel your skin harden into bark. In the distance, you see the shadow of a man holding an ax, head thrown back to the sky, howling.
You have travel in your near future, Capricorn. Time travel. You will journey into the distant past, finding yourself displaced by fifteen generations. Do not forget to schedule your return trip. Please, Capricorn, do not forget.
