#balyani

[noosphe-re]

The benefit of the knowledge of the self is to know for certain that you are neither existent nor nonexistent, that you are not, never have been and never will be.

Ibn ‘Arabi / Balyani, Know Yourself: An Explanation of the Oneness of Being, translated by Cecilia Twinch

[thinknthots]

Fear of Death Resolved

I had the privilege to be raised in a religious tradition that helped me to fear death. You see, death is the day of judgment, heaven or hell. Very binary. Black and white. You is or you ain't. I wonder today who could really pass that test of morality. I have done many wonderful and altruistic things in my life; I have also done some fairly shitty things as well. Depending on the mood of the judge, I could end up in an eternal barbecue pit.

There were other factors involved in this fear, I will leave it to imagination to ferret that out. Besides, I can't remember all the reasons. The only one that seems to come up is the thought that caskets would be very confining and clashed with a growing feeling of claustrophobia.

In my late twenties I began a twelve step program. After doing the steps two or three times, I noticed some changes in my thinking. Shame, guilt, regret, and blame seemed to just disappear in great measure. Yet, the most surprising mutation was the I no longer feared death. This was not something I was working toward or expecting, I just noticed it.

For years afterward I asked myself the reason for this change in thinking. I had done the steps, but what exactly did they do. Since I am not so bright in the area of spirituality, I just accepted it and put it in a drawer of things to think about in the coming years.

This morning I was watching a Norm Macdonald tribute. He was talking to Larry King about the fear of death and King stated the problem very clearly: he was afraid of not existing.

A light went on in my head. I do not fear "not existing." Along with that, I have no fear of hell. By the way, I have accumulated an even longer list of shitty things that I have accomplished, yet, I have no concern. I corrected as best as I was able, the rest is baggage.

Now, I cannot exactly say what happened, but what I believe occurred was the beginning of an identity shift, of an expanding sense of who I am.

The Sufi mystic Balyani writes, "Know yourself or Know your being, because you are not you but you do not know it. That is, know that your being is neither your being nor other than your being. You are neither existent nor nonexistent, nor other than existent nor other than nonexistent. Your being and your non-being are His being, without any being or absence of being because your being and your non-being are the same as His being and His being is the same as your being and non-being."

I have, to some extent experienced this "neither existent nor nonexistent," this Beingness. I believe that the fear of dying was absorbed or resolved in this understood feeling. Though my body may disappear, I cannot not exist in Beingness, Divine Awareness.

I do not know exactly what all this means. If I tell you about the person you can see, I could only describe behaviors. Yet, that is not how I feel I am. I know that I am, that's just it. And what I am is really a knowing beyond words, yet, I know it, I know that I am, but it is not what I once understood. And, now, what I know I am seems to have revealed itself in my thinking.

This may not help anyone wrestling with the idea of dying, or the struggle with the loss of a loved one. I can tell you that within the last year both my mom and dad died, but to me, they could never die because who they are, I am. This is not a denial or their passing, their bodies are gone, but the peace and love I felt through them will never pass.

Blessings to all.

[thinknthots]

Disappearing ego

I do not call me spiritual anymore, although, what is looks like from the second person is that I am on a spiritual quest. I think, and this may sound odd, is that the mystic or the spiritual seeker is the simplest and most ordinary of being. I am on a quest for ordinariness; a simple peace of being, joy, and love. To wash all the seeming complexities of this earth life with unbounded love.

This cleansing process is not a matter of accomplishment, but more a letting go of an identity with the appearance of reality. This has come in stages, like chunks of quanta. I will usually notice it after it happens.

This morning I was reading a book called, "Know Thyself" by a Sufi mystic named Balyani. For someone new to non-dual teachings, this can be a bit of a shocker. He writes, "When you know yourself, your egoism disappears and you know that you are no other than God." You are not other than God! What a wonderfully strange understanding. I realize that this can be interpreted in many ways, some powerfully self-centered, but I see it as a realization of unbound joy and love that is shared with all beings. I am Love. I am Joy. I am. I am nothing other than Joy!

The salient meaning in that passage, for me, is the use of the phrase, "egoism disappears." My thinking on this has mutated over the years. I have related to the phrase "ego death," or "get away from the ego," or, the "ego is the problem." Yet, as I go along, the importance of the ego seems to just evaporate, disappear.

For example, after a great deal of self-reflection and testing, I began to understand that my persona was on the autistic spectrum. This did not concern me much since the diagnosis came at the age of 62. It actually helped me to understand some of my behavioral tendencies. I would actually declare to my acquaintances "I have Asperger's, I have Asperger's! That's why I.....!" My sister, a medical professional, let me know that the diagnosis was no surprise to her.

As I went along looking within, other sub personas would make themselves known. I carried them for some time with the belief that I was the behaviors. Then, one day I was doing something called Time Line Therapy and my identification with these constellations of behavior patterns just disappeared. It is difficult to explain what this feels like, but let me try.

When I was a kid I loved to play chess. I became competent enough to win most games I played in a chess club. Chess consumed me. I loved the game. Then, one day, out of nowhere, I just lost interest, and that consuming feeling never returned. It was just a game. Fun for awhile, then not so much.

That's my feeling. Balyani continues, "Whoever knows their self, knows their Lord and not Whoever gets rid of their self, knows their Lord." As I ponder upon who I am, I seem to open up to a deeper intimacy with Love. This may sound odd, but I am in love with my being, and I want to share that love with others.

So, egoism disappears, meaning, for me, the interest in the persona dissipates, and with it, a kind of silliness appears. I know there is more understanding, but this how I see it now. I am trying to get more comfortable with the appearance of the ego, in a way, I guess, work with it. How shall it serve as it becomes the emissary of Divine Awareness, my Lord?

[thinknthots]

Balyani

Balyani writes,

"It is as if a person who does not know something, then comes to know it. Their existence does not disappear, but their ignorance disappears. Their existence remains as it was, without being exchanged for another, and without the existence of the ignorant person being added to, or mixed with, the knowing person: ignorance simply disappears."

As ignorance disappears, the happiness that you seek, that is you, appears.