#bambling barry

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

Can someone just pull me in their lap and play with my hair while I cry about my insecurities? Is that a thing we can do? Please?

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

I like labels. I need them to feel comfortable...

Lately I've been questioning a lot of things. This is due to me being suicidal and depressed. Its not a way of processing that I like but its what I got most the time.

Anyway, this week I've been questioning my romantic and sexual preferences. I know for a fact that I'm asexual, or at least on the ace spectrum. However I can't figure out if I'm on the aro spectrum too. I can't tell and this frustrates me.

A month ago I started questioning my pronouns. Which are he/him at the moment. I found that I hate when people call me she/her and they/them. But at the same time there's a set of pronouns I like- and that's the fae/faer (I think thats the right one. Its been awhile since I last checked the pronoun list.)

Two months ago I questioned my femininity. I was scared because for a whole month I felt completely masculine. I had never felt that way before. I had never been completely masculine for that long. It scared me, I felt like I didn't know myself anymore.

The things I don't question are few:

Being transgender

My name

My mental problems

The sun, the moon, the truth

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

Another storytime...

I had a follow-up doctor's appointment. It was for a checkup because I switched doctors due to the fact I'll be 18 next month. Anyway, while we waited my dad tickled me (my sides). I told him tickling my sides made me insecure because I personally feel gender dysphoria over my curves. After the appointment, we were going to pick up my sister from babysit some kid. On the way my dad pestered me about getting a job. The job he was talking about was a werehouse job. He talked of all the different types. The one that made me uncomfortable was when he started talking about how doing werehousing for adult toys is always funny. I told him adult toys made me uncomfortable. "Why?" Because I'm asexual, because sex makes me disgusted. I have no desire for sexual activities because sex disgusts me. He then told that I don't know the meaning behind the word/label "Asexual."

[I get that having a job while you're in high school is considered a good thing and tells adults that you're on a good path. I get that. I, however, just want to focus on school. Sure money is cool but I'm distracted easily. Its best for me to focus on one thing.]

My dad, sister, and I were in the drive-thru for Sonic. I was arguing about the fact that anytime the three of us are together and she offers to get us shakes, she always makes mine a small (this time was understandable cause I got a Sonic Blast). But she does it everytime and I don't even do anything. Her excuse is; "He's driving, and I'm paying." Which yeah that makes sence but you are literally giving me less, which makes me feel like crap and that I don't belong. Compared to when the three of us are together and I buy everyone the same size drink even if the drinks are vastly different.

(I got off track, sorry. Thank you for being patient.)

While we were waiting for the drinks, my dad decided to be a dick and mess with me. He put his hand in my face and tickled my sides. I told him to stop and he didn't. I smacked my head against the seatbelt shoulder adjuster. Both my sister and dad laughed at me, which I responded with; "I fucking hate this family. You guys wonder why I won't talk or hang out with you. It's because you pull shit like this."

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

Storytime via a Dream I had.

I blame this on watching and following the Fab 5.

I had a dream where I was living in my own personal hell. What am I even saying. My life is a personal hell. Its weird that this is my favorite dream so far. Anyway, in this dream I'm living with my beautiful bestest friend Trysten. I work at a small bookstore and I'm not cooking a lot. I am even started medically transitioning. Here's where it gets funny. My brother from another mother and country all together is the one that request they make me over, but I don't know and am not allowed to know. When I come home I see the guys sitting on the steps and I stop in my tracks and scream bloody murder. Don't ask I don't even know why I did that but it scared them so bad that I ended up laughing. They all jumped and stared at me for a moment it was crazy. The first thing I said was, "Give me a moment I need to call Zander." And all of them were just like stunned cause if it wasn't for the scream I appeared eerily calm before it sunk in who I was about to call and then all of them jumped up and Jonathan said l, "Noo hunnie no need for that."

I was like okay, and skipped to them and pulled Bobby into a hug. I told him he is precious. Then went over to Antoni and asked politely if he could carry me. He said "No but thank you for asking." I was like okay then lean down for a second and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I gave all of them hugs and a kiss on the cheek.

"Okay, first, I have to say this. Tan is my favorite. Fashion, darling. Its everything. Second I ramble, talk too much and you are gonna have to think of ways to get me to talk about myself. I do what is called 'Red Harrings'. I start to say something about myself then change the topic to something completely different. The things that I don't consider to be Me is like my style. Which I know that doesn't make sense but to me it does. I also have OCD, in the sense of order things are done...this is already too many people all at once... Sorry I shouldn't mutter that was rude. I appreciate that when you saw me you didn't crowed me or touch me till I touched you. I don't like being touched unless. Unless you are playing with my hair. Oh before y'all think I mean naughty things which shame on you, I'm a Transgender Panromantic Asexual. Yes I do fuck pans if you k ow what I mean. Crap sorry no filter. Bad Barry. Frick. Fuck hold on let me let you into my abode. Okay go ahead y'all can do what it is you normally do. The kitchen is straight ahead bathroom is the first door in the hall my room is at the end of the hall. Go ahead and look make assumptions and please tell me what they are I love criticism. I just need a moment actually hold no I need ice. Icey ice ice. Carp I said that out loud. For warning I have a snake her name is Loki. Shes very friendly. Wait I need ice. Oh I have really bad anxiety. Wait no actually I need Loki first then ice."

I ran almost twisted my ankle and gently took Loki from her tank. I placed her on my right arm and gently jogged into my kitchen for the ice. I plaused for a moment when I found Zander on the couch with his boyfriend. I leaped into his lap laid my head on his boyfriend's shoulder. Whispering,"Sorry. I freaked but thank you for being here." I then turned my head to see the room and saw the well dressed 5. They were all staring. "Please say something before I jump up and run off. And no I'm not dating these two I'm just very ... I knew reading a dictionary was a bad idea. Tornado tornado tornado." Loki started to slither up my arm to place her cool head against my collarbone. My eyes widened. This was her subtle way of telling me times up get out of your binder. I started shaking to which Zander imedeitly was like, "Hey little bro its okay I'm sure they won't judge you. But you need to take it off. You need to you've been wearing it too long and you know it. Do you want me to pick something out for you?" I stopped shaking and looked him dead in the eye, "Zander I love you its great that you're are this suportive and helpful but your style looks incredibly bad on me." Jasper laughed at my response "Excuse you only I can make fun of him and his style, now come on chop chop your fat ass is crushing me."

I gasped, "Piss off Sunflower, at least I have an was. To be fair personally Mr. RDJ is has the bubble butt I have ever seen and im taking that to the grave. Okay, you five, Tan you can come with me, Antoni darling I can cook I just hate being the kitchen, Jonathan I have no routine for grooming. Bobby hun when you redesign please no blue. I know blue is a calming colour but all you evrer do is blue. We gotta get you out of these blues..actually please stop me talking because I'm about to sing some songs from the 20s. I'm very black and white with splashes of colour. But also vampiric. Culture-ly I'm eh I love learning. If you need anything else to help describe me ask Ty or San they know me best. Okay chest binder. Loki move please." She moved up to rest loosely around my neck. "Rule one about chest binding don't do cartwheels." You hear an almost silent "fuck" being said as I carefully placed Loki in a tube that lead right into her tank. Then I did one cartwheel. Then continued walk8ng into my room Tan following a bit concerned. I grabbed a pair of leggings, a nice loose sweater and a sports bra. "Give me a moment in my closet. Oh gods never thought I'd say that."

I quickly changed and placed my dirty clothes in the hamper just inside the door. "Alright, come in I have a feeling you'll like at least a tenth of whats in here."

He nods at my one and only blazer. "I like that the rest is a bit unfortunate." I laughed at that. "Well at least you aren't telling me to put my unfortunate clothes back on...yet. Okay so I have a question. What would you say looks best on me colour wise? I prefer darks bit only because if feels somehow easier to where if that makes sense."

His answer was in gibberish to me which was upsetting cause this is my dream how dare you I deserve to know what dream Tan thinks. Then there was a flash and I was asking Antoni what his favorite food was and I'd learn that than whatever else he was going to teach me. Which was also gibberish. Another flash and I was with Johnathan.

"Hiiii, how are we gonna do your hair? Like do you have any preference?"

"Nope just go for it. I just love haircuts. They're refreshing."

Another flash and I'm with Karamo. Honestly I don't remember what happened here. I know we were driving and talking and I was crying but I don't remember what was said.

A flash to the end of the week and it a promotional party. I went from cashier to manager. Which is great I love books. I gave each of the five a book of their choice. But before they left I was like, "can I get all your numbers? I promise not to give it out. I don't really talk to anyone but Zander and Trysten." I frowned at the last part of my sentence. They are said sure and I gave each of them text saying hi so they had my number.

Any Way it was a great dream and I loved it.

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

This is an oc of mine called Solar System. She's a guy some days but mainly a girl. Her realname is Danella Bodam. She's a chatter box.

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

I'm gonna be so lonely tomorrow.

My parents are going on a date after my cousin's birthday and I asked to be dropped off at the movies with ten dollars. I really want to watch The Greatest Showman. My mom told me to ask my dad. I knew my dad would say no but I asked anyway and all he said was I don't have ten dollars. So you know I'm going to be in a selflothing state of mind because I have absolutely nothing to watch. No Hulu and no Netflix those bills weren't played and I can't work the tv remote. I'm already tired of YouTube and Instagram videos. So yeah I'm gonna be bored out of my mind because my dad is a cheap bastard.

[vampire-coffin-shaker]

Feelings Bulldozed

I'm pretty hecking sure he started dating her and know I don't feel anything but cold and crushed. Honestly I spent a lot of time with him before he left for a field trip just so I wouldn't shake in the class we shared. I ended up shaking pretty badly anyway. But just as we said goodbye he put his hand on my back in the same spot he normally does and the heat lingered. And gods do I hate myself for it but it is what it is. You can't pick your feeling for anyone. I still want to hold his hand.