I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.
But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!
Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.
I think something people don't seem to get about sex repulsion is that it's not some easily definable thing? It can fluctuate. I can be repulsed by sex irl, but not by it in media. I could actively seek it out in media while also being absolutely queasy at the thought of that same thing happening irl. I can sometimes feel repulsed by it in media, and sometimes not. I can sometimes feel neutral about sex irl and sometimes be actively disgusted by it. I can enjoy casual touch but get averse when that touch becomes sexual.
I just feel like people treat sex-repulsion like it's a monolith and you need to fit into one particular slot where you're either repulsed by all things sex, or you're neutral about all things sex, or you actively enjoy all things sex. Where's the in-between? Human experiences are not so easily carved out and defined
Aspec men deserve much more respect and recognition in the aspec community than they receive. They often face a different form of aphobia specific to them ("men are naturally sexual they can't be ace" "all men are unromantic that's not unique") this rhetoric is spouted by many, even members of our own community and I hope for a day where that is no longer the case. As an ace and demiro woman (demigirl but that's beside the point) I want to encourage folks to take the time to give the aspec men in their lives support and to the aspec men reading, you are who you say you are no matter what people say and you deserve the world. I'm sorry for the ways in which toxic masculinity has harmed you. You are a valued member of the aspec community and the queer community as a whole. No ace or aro person is broken and neither are you. I'm sorry if anyone has ever told you otherwise.
My thoughts on the new ace flag as an aroace person
🖤🩶🤍💜 -> 🖤🩶🤍💛🩷💜
I am going to preface this by saying I mean no hate to the creator, these are just my thoughts. I also know nothing about the process of creating pride flags or how any of this works, so if I get any of that wrong please (gently) correct me. I acknowledge that I am a flawed human being who is influenced by her experiences and biases. Please be civil and understanding. I am simply expressing my opinion, and if you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.
I didn’t even know the meanings behind the stripes until today. Is it weird that 25% of the flag is dedicated to allies? Yes, that is undeniably odd, and I can understand why people would want to change it. But what I don’t understand is why we can’t just change the meanings of the stripes while keeping the original design. Again, I know nothing about the process behind creating pride flags, so if this isn’t possible then that’s fine, but it’s not like the colors have to mean the same thing. There are many pride flags that use the same colors with completely different meanings. Heck, all of the original colors’ meanings changed going from the old design to the new one. So if the meaning behind the stripes was the biggest reason for the change, then why can’t we just change the meaning and keep the design?
I personally don’t like the addition of the yellow. I like what it stands for, but to me personally it just feels like it looks too similar to the nonbinary flag. I also think the yellow clashes with the rest of the colors aesthetically. The black, grey, white, and purple all look good together (see the original flag) and the pink doesn’t feel too out of place because of the purple. If they had only added the pink I would probably like it more but the yellow throws the whole thing off for me.
These next few critiques don’t apply to everyone, I know not everyone who’s ace is aro and vice versa, but my opinion on the ace flag is going to be impacted by my identity as an aroace person.
Pink is my favorite color, always has been and probably always will be, and as much as I’d love to have it included in the flag for my sexuality, I don’t love what it stands for. Yes, love is important, but aromantic and asexual people so often have to “prove” that they aren’t broken because they don’t experience traditional feelings of love and attraction. Yes, love can be powerful. But love and sex are so central to our society that aromantics and asexuals are ostracized and treated as different. It’s the whole reason we’re queer! It also feels disrespectful to loveless aros, apltonics, afamilials, or other identities under the umbrella that don’t experience certain types of love. They are just as valid and important as those of us who DO experience love, in any way, shape, or form. And I understand that this isn’t an aromantic flag, but there is such a huge overlap and connection between these two identities as well as aspec identities as a whole. I like the way these people put it: this post in their tags, this post, and this post.
I also really love how the aromantic and asexual flags look together. I like the inverted design and the fact that they both consisted of black, grey, white, and one color (either two green stripes or one purple stripe). These flags have a history together, and people were combining them in various ways for years before we had the sunset aroace flag.
Just look how cool these two designs look!
I understand that may not be a very popular take, but it’s my opinion. The ace and aro communities are tied together, and it feels a bit like this new flag ignores that. Below is a comparison of the aro flag with the two versions of the ace flag. One compliments it WAY better. And this also shows how much the yellow stands out (at least to me).
You can make this same argument for other aspec flags. The agender flag has a similar color scheme and vibe as the aromantic flag, the afamilial flag looks like the original ace flag with a dark red stripe instead of people, and one of the aplatonic flags looks the same but with yellow (I found multiple aplatonic flags when googling but didn’t know which one was the most widely accepted so sorry if that flag is offensive, not used anymore, or anything like that).
While we’re talking about other aspec identities, what does this new flag mean for the micro labels within asexuality? So many acespec identities (aceflux, aegosexual, apothisexual, caedsexual, cupiosexual, demisexual, fictosexual, graysexual, myrsexual, etc.) have flags that are based on or include a similar color scheme to the original ace flag. Will they also get redesigned flags? What would those even look like? Who would be in charge of designing them? The people in those communities? Ashabi? Someone else?
If I didn’t have the original flag to compare it to, I would probably like the new flag well enough. But for so long, this flag has represented our community. The ace flag is so iconic and beloved, I don’t see why we needed to change it. We’re already a smaller queer identity that isn’t as recognizable as say lesbians or trans folks. I literally have to explain what asexual means when I come out to anyone over the age of like 25, and adding another flag is just going to confuse people.
Again, I mean no hate to the creator or anyone who prefers the new flag, people are allowed to have their opinions and disagree. I’ve even seen art incorporating the new color scheme that looked really cool. And who knows, maybe it will grow on me over time. But, for now, I’ll be sticking with the classic design.
To those of you who are defensive of the new design or the creator, please don’t assume anyone who voices a negative opinion of the flag is being racist or misogynistic because the flag was created by a black woman. There may be a minority who feel that way, and they should absolutely be called out and shamed for being bigots, but most of us don’t like it for completely innocent reasons or because we’re simply too attached to the old flag. People don’t like change. Let them adjust. I don’t think the old flag is going anywhere any time soon, and I think both flags can peacefully coexist.
I wanted to look back and share some of my experiences reading books with queer characters or books I projected queer experiences onto throughout my life.
Age 9: The first book I remember reading with any sort of queer representation was Faerie Wars by Herbie Brennan. I was 9 years old and told my mom I couldn't read it. Reason cited: there was a bad word. Bad word? Lesbian. Kudos to my mom for telling me it was not a bad word. She also said I didn't have to read any book I didn't want to, but she would happily read it alongside me. I declined. No idea what made me think lesbian was a bad word.
Age 10: Now In the Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce, the sequel to Alanna: The First Adventure was one of my favorite books as a child. I loved the scenes about her wanting to learn to be a lady but I also loved the scenes where she would sword fight. She certainly planted the seeds of genderqueer into my brain and challenged the strict gender roles. And wow, that last fight scene... that was so important to me.
Age 13: The first book I remember reading where I wanted the character to be aromantic was The Squad: Perfect Cover by Jennifer Lynn Barnes. I didn't know that word yet but I found the romances in the series to be shallow and tacked on. The friendships were more interesting, engaging, and filled with much more emotion. I wanted more scenes between the friend group rather than the scenes with the obligatory male love interest. I would tell people about these books and say, I loved them except the romance didn't really fit. And I still believe that now upon rereading Perfect Cover as an adult.
Age 13: Cut to all the paranormal YA fantasy I was reading when I was in middle school and I started encountering more and more gay characters. I was still at the point in my life where I assumed I only liked guys but also I was incredibly confused at the dating craze in my school. I remember Hex Hall by Rachel Hawkins was puzzling to me because Jenna, a prominent side character, was talking about her past relationship and was using she/her pronouns to refer to her ex. I didn't realize what it meant until later in the book, when I believe she explicitly calls herself a lesbian. After this book (and a few similar ones) I started expecting gay or lesbian representation in side characters of the books I read.
Age 14: The first book I read with a trans character was Eon: Dragoneye Reborn by Alison Goodman with Lady Dela who was hands down, the best character in the book. I was about 14 maybe when I read this book. I had not been exposed to trans characters, I didn't know anyone who was openly trans in my life but this book started poking at my idea of gender and what it means to be a girl or a woman. I have no idea how the representation holds up, but Lady Dela was a step forward for me, which I find incredibly meaningful.
Age 14: One of the first adult books I read was Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. This was one of the first books I read with a central bisexual character, Zoe. Her having loving relationships with both Max and Vanessa made complete sense to me and why so many characters made a big deal about her identity was so odd for me. Why wouldn't she? Something I found powerful and touching was how Picoult was known for writing devastating books (ex. My Sister's Keeper) and she very intentionally wrote a happy ending for this book focusing on a same sex marriage. I remember my mom talking about this and maybe this is my current self projecting but that always felt so special to me. There's a CD that comes with this book and I listened to the last song, about the main character being moms, over and over again.
Age 14: A book that radicalized me was Beauty Queens by Libba Bray, which introduced me to intersectional feminism. In terms of queerness, there were three openly queer characters. There were also make out scenes between two girls and I liked those scenes a lot. Jennifer was an out lesbian, who ended up in a brief relationship with Soisie, who is bisexual, and they have a very sweet relationship. Petra is also out as a trans girl and also has a sweet romance with a pirate. Queerness was such an important part of this book and I think this was the book that made me think I might be bi!
Age 15: Malinda Lo is one of the co founders of the #WeNeedDiverseBooks and I found out about her through her book, Ash, a retelling of Cinderella. I found it very romantic and I still think of Ash and Kasia fondly. This book also started getting me interested in reading diversely and being intentional. Ash was a huge factor how I read books and think about the ways diversity in literature. This made me think about my place int he queer community as well. This was around the time I thought I might be bi but wasn't willing to commit to the label. I told a few people but they seemed... unsupportive. But through fiction, I was able to explore my identity in a way that was safe, even if I wasn't able to admit it to myself.
Age 17: The next story was also helpful in me exploring/being exposed to queer main characters with Turn of the Story aka In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan, which was written on her blog initially. I read each installment as it came out and I actively was shipping Elliot and Luke. They were probably the first mlm couple I shipped in a story that had multiple installments (at the time). It was also important in normalizing bisexuality for me. Elliot has multiple relationships with characters of different genders throughout this book and it was ... not a big deal! It was a little bit of a deal, but Elliot's life and choices felt very real to me, including his bisexuality.
Age 19: At this point, I was in college and I had realized I was ace and embraced my role in the queer community. This led me to talking a class focusing on queer literature. This included literature I enjoyed and found compelling (like Fun Home by Alison Bechdel) and the worst book I have ever read (Adam by Ariel Schrag). But what really great about it were the conversations around literature we had with people in the queer community about queer literature. it was a very validating experience. The experience was a great intersection of my queer identity and my love of literature and analyzing it. Truly an invaluable class.
Age 20: When I was in college, I started reading even more queer literature, talking about my experiences as an ace person, and posting about them on here. Tash Hearts Tolstoy by Kathryn Ormsbee was not the first book with an ace protagonist I read but it was one that mirrored my life most closely. I still remember crying while reading this book at like 1AM. This was such a validating book to read and I truly think it was a healing experience, reading this book. I actually have a hard tome recommending this book, as it feels too personal to share with others.
Age 25: No longer in high school or college, I still read YA sometimes and Ophelia After All by Racquel Marie is why I still pick them up. Ophelia's experiences of navigating realizing she was queer, shook lose so many memories I had fully repressed. There was an anxiety we both had as teens I had not realized and the tension in my shoulders loosened after seeing my shared experience. At this point in my life, I was comfortably queer, in a long term relationship with a woman (who is now my fiancee!!), and out to people in my personal and professional life. And yet I was still discovering aspects of my identity. This is when I realized the journey was neverending and also was a journey I loved being on.
Age 29: I currently have over 300 books listed in my LQBTQIA shelf on Storygraph and I love promoting queer media on my tumblr here and I attend a queer book club, I casually share book recommendations with queer rep and make book lists and for the library, from picturebooks to YA novels. I feel comfortable in my skin and I am writing blog posts like this about my queer journey. I've come a long way and I am proud of myself and proud I can share without fear.
