I think something people don't seem to get about sex repulsion is that it's not some easily definable thing? It can fluctuate. I can be repulsed by sex irl, but not by it in media. I could actively seek it out in media while also being absolutely queasy at the thought of that same thing happening irl. I can sometimes feel repulsed by it in media, and sometimes not. I can sometimes feel neutral about sex irl and sometimes be actively disgusted by it. I can enjoy casual touch but get averse when that touch becomes sexual.
I just feel like people treat sex-repulsion like it's a monolith and you need to fit into one particular slot where you're either repulsed by all things sex, or you're neutral about all things sex, or you actively enjoy all things sex. Where's the in-between? Human experiences are not so easily carved out and defined
I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.
But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!
Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.
Aspec men deserve much more respect and recognition in the aspec community than they receive. They often face a different form of aphobia specific to them ("men are naturally sexual they can't be ace" "all men are unromantic that's not unique") this rhetoric is spouted by many, even members of our own community and I hope for a day where that is no longer the case. As an ace and demiro woman (demigirl but that's beside the point) I want to encourage folks to take the time to give the aspec men in their lives support and to the aspec men reading, you are who you say you are no matter what people say and you deserve the world. I'm sorry for the ways in which toxic masculinity has harmed you. You are a valued member of the aspec community and the queer community as a whole. No ace or aro person is broken and neither are you. I'm sorry if anyone has ever told you otherwise.
My thoughts on the new ace flag as an aroace person
🖤🩶🤍💜 -> 🖤🩶🤍💛🩷💜
I am going to preface this by saying I mean no hate to the creator, these are just my thoughts. I also know nothing about the process of creating pride flags or how any of this works, so if I get any of that wrong please (gently) correct me. I acknowledge that I am a flawed human being who is influenced by her experiences and biases. Please be civil and understanding. I am simply expressing my opinion, and if you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say anything at all.
I didn’t even know the meanings behind the stripes until today. Is it weird that 25% of the flag is dedicated to allies? Yes, that is undeniably odd, and I can understand why people would want to change it. But what I don’t understand is why we can’t just change the meanings of the stripes while keeping the original design. Again, I know nothing about the process behind creating pride flags, so if this isn’t possible then that’s fine, but it’s not like the colors have to mean the same thing. There are many pride flags that use the same colors with completely different meanings. Heck, all of the original colors’ meanings changed going from the old design to the new one. So if the meaning behind the stripes was the biggest reason for the change, then why can’t we just change the meaning and keep the design?
I personally don’t like the addition of the yellow. I like what it stands for, but to me personally it just feels like it looks too similar to the nonbinary flag. I also think the yellow clashes with the rest of the colors aesthetically. The black, grey, white, and purple all look good together (see the original flag) and the pink doesn’t feel too out of place because of the purple. If they had only added the pink I would probably like it more but the yellow throws the whole thing off for me.
These next few critiques don’t apply to everyone, I know not everyone who’s ace is aro and vice versa, but my opinion on the ace flag is going to be impacted by my identity as an aroace person.
Pink is my favorite color, always has been and probably always will be, and as much as I’d love to have it included in the flag for my sexuality, I don’t love what it stands for. Yes, love is important, but aromantic and asexual people so often have to “prove” that they aren’t broken because they don’t experience traditional feelings of love and attraction. Yes, love can be powerful. But love and sex are so central to our society that aromantics and asexuals are ostracized and treated as different. It’s the whole reason we’re queer! It also feels disrespectful to loveless aros, apltonics, afamilials, or other identities under the umbrella that don’t experience certain types of love. They are just as valid and important as those of us who DO experience love, in any way, shape, or form. And I understand that this isn’t an aromantic flag, but there is such a huge overlap and connection between these two identities as well as aspec identities as a whole. I like the way these people put it: this post in their tags, this post, and this post.
I also really love how the aromantic and asexual flags look together. I like the inverted design and the fact that they both consisted of black, grey, white, and one color (either two green stripes or one purple stripe). These flags have a history together, and people were combining them in various ways for years before we had the sunset aroace flag.
Just look how cool these two designs look!
I understand that may not be a very popular take, but it’s my opinion. The ace and aro communities are tied together, and it feels a bit like this new flag ignores that. Below is a comparison of the aro flag with the two versions of the ace flag. One compliments it WAY better. And this also shows how much the yellow stands out (at least to me).
You can make this same argument for other aspec flags. The agender flag has a similar color scheme and vibe as the aromantic flag, the afamilial flag looks like the original ace flag with a dark red stripe instead of people, and one of the aplatonic flags looks the same but with yellow (I found multiple aplatonic flags when googling but didn’t know which one was the most widely accepted so sorry if that flag is offensive, not used anymore, or anything like that).
While we’re talking about other aspec identities, what does this new flag mean for the micro labels within asexuality? So many acespec identities (aceflux, aegosexual, apothisexual, caedsexual, cupiosexual, demisexual, fictosexual, graysexual, myrsexual, etc.) have flags that are based on or include a similar color scheme to the original ace flag. Will they also get redesigned flags? What would those even look like? Who would be in charge of designing them? The people in those communities? Ashabi? Someone else?
If I didn’t have the original flag to compare it to, I would probably like the new flag well enough. But for so long, this flag has represented our community. The ace flag is so iconic and beloved, I don’t see why we needed to change it. We’re already a smaller queer identity that isn’t as recognizable as say lesbians or trans folks. I literally have to explain what asexual means when I come out to anyone over the age of like 25, and adding another flag is just going to confuse people.
Again, I mean no hate to the creator or anyone who prefers the new flag, people are allowed to have their opinions and disagree. I’ve even seen art incorporating the new color scheme that looked really cool. And who knows, maybe it will grow on me over time. But, for now, I’ll be sticking with the classic design.
To those of you who are defensive of the new design or the creator, please don’t assume anyone who voices a negative opinion of the flag is being racist or misogynistic because the flag was created by a black woman. There may be a minority who feel that way, and they should absolutely be called out and shamed for being bigots, but most of us don’t like it for completely innocent reasons or because we’re simply too attached to the old flag. People don’t like change. Let them adjust. I don’t think the old flag is going anywhere any time soon, and I think both flags can peacefully coexist.
I have several recommendations for addressing the specter of compulsory sexuality—and the marginalization of asexual people—within sex positive frameworks. ... Third, sex positive frameworks should avoid a narrow focus on guilt and shame that solely emphasizes guilt and shame associated with the presence of sexual desire/activity. Sex positive frameworks should also emphasize that guilt and shame can be associated with the absence of sexual desire/activity.
