The Final Blog of FeBlogruary
I didn't do a blog every day. I managed 16, though... more than half. I need to learn how to praise myself for things, rather than constantly beating myself up about them. I am at a point in which one of my jobs might dry up, but I am terrible at it, anyway. So I could spend today applying for a new one (deadline 2pm!) or not bother, because I don't think I'll get it (well, of course you won't get it, with an attitude like that! You can do anything you put your mind to! Says a cross voice in my head. Naa, you won't get it, that job has probably already been allocated. It'd be a waste of time, says another. I have so much fun listening to my head argue with itself).
In other news, all 3 of my offspring were here yesterday, for the first time since Christmas. That was lovely. We ate veggie burgers and bread that the youngest had made. Today there is no-one in the house but me. I used to look forward to the time off from the children, but now I dread it. I signed up to Couch Surfing again, craving company. Perhaps I could get it together to do Air BnB. I feel like I'm not clean enough. The house too dishevelled. The curtain poles remain unattached. The blinds remain mouldy. We took pictures to get framed, then the car broke down and swallowed the money put aside for that. I still haven't picked them up. Perhaps I should ask for a drill for my birthday. Start trying to do things myself. I used to, when I was younger. Though I wasn't very good at the Robert the Bruce aspect of it. I tried. Then I stopped.
I need to learn to use a growth mindset.
Tomorrow is March. I could return to Facebook, start drinking booze again (though I had a slip up mid month. That did not make me want to drink again at ALL), and start eating meat again (only failing was human pie at Sweeney Todd!) (I totally fell off the milk wagon. Or back onto it? Though organically milked cows are very happy, I'm sure.) I think I will stay away from them all. See how another month (a full length month!) goes. I used to worry about this blog being pointless as no-one is reading it then realised that didn't matter as I am only really writing it for myself. I like naking silly words out of the months so I thought March could become mARTch. I could draw a picture every day (like I wrote a blog every day, hmmm...) to have something positive to show, something to DO, as well as giving things up.
I feel very lonely. The middle child was away this past weekend, with circus, then with his sister, the eldest, in London. I spent a lovely time with my youngest, yet it made me aware of how, soon, that was how it would be- as the middle child would move out. The emptying nest. This is something I've looked forward to. That freedom. Yet when I have it, all I feel is sad and alone. I failed at keeping pets. I uninstalled Tinder. I'm lonely, yet people irritate me. I thought I'd love a lodger but what if they annoy me, too? Air BnB would be safer. They'd go away again... I'm thinking ahead of myself. It will be a few years yet, before the nest empties. Shall I apply for this job? They're so restrictive, though. I'm torn. Regular money and regular hours would be lovely, though. Would they? Wouldn't they? I'm looking at the criteria and telling myself I can't do it, I can't do it....
28th February 2019
