I'm so fucking pissed, okay, let me just tell you a thing. FUCK women's clothing designers okay, I'm so fucking frustrated with shit always being thin so you have to layer it with a million other shits, and shit being so tight that it shows off how imperfect your body is, thus making you feel like shit bc you "don't live up to expectations",or too loose that the neck of the shirt hangs below your cleavage so you basically have to just wear another shirt under it, defeating the fucking purpose, and fuck having to waste hours trying to figure out what size you are for this store and for this brand. And most of all, FUCKKKKKKkkkkKkkKkk shit being too fucking short. I have a fucking shelf for an ass and the stupid dress I was going to wear for this thing I have tomorrow is like two inches below my asscheeks. I have this problem with every fucking dress or skirt that I try on. (Obviously not meaning floor length ones) and I'm just so tired and frustrated with never finding anything that fits dress codes, and looks nice and makes me feel good about myself. All I want is to be able to go from being comfy all day at school in a hoodie and jeans to feeling good in what I call fancy clothes for events. But it just seems everytime I have something come up I have a mini melt down about not having any fucking thing to wear. I've been getting so insecure lately that I just don't know what to do and I'm typing this right now with tears rolling down my face because I'm just so sick and tired of this always happening everytime I want to do something. It's honestly the thing that I hate most about events. I absolutely hate my appearance, I think I was just taking out my own anger on the clothes designers, I just feel really shitty in everything I wear and I don't even classify myself as being that ugly normally, I see other people who have similar body shapes as me dressing fine, I just don't know why I hate my body in things like that so much. It's just gotten to a point where I'm severely unhappy with everything (that I wear) and it honestly has discouraged me from participating in things in the past. Because I didn't want to stress out over what to wear. I think that's horrible and fucked up. You only get one life, and don't worry about what others think, and love it to the fullest of your potential and blah blah blah... It's easier said than done tbh. I've tried for a long time to just accept myself and ignore my imperfections bc most likely no one cares about how i look as much as I do, but the way I look fucks with me, I, me, myself, don't like how I look and I'm trying to change that but It's not happening fast enough. Idk, I just don't think people realize that a few phrases don't just make your self esteem go up. And I also know that I'm the only person who can make my self esteem go up. But here's the kicker, one of the ways to boost your self esteem is to do community service. That's what my fucking event is tomorrow. That's what I'm fucking crying over not having anything to wear to. It's just so fucked up, I've just been building a damn up to hold back an oceans worth of insecurities. And tonight the tide pushed a little harder on my weakened wall, and a hole broke open and this poured out. Thanks for reading, I'm just very sad and I needed someone to listen to me without interrupting me or trying to change my train of thought, I just really needed to get that out, I'm very glad this tumblr allows me to do things like this even though this is the first time I have ever genuinely posted my feelings online, I just feel safe in doing it here. I've written in journals before but it isn't the same. I feel like someway somehow someone will get to actually read this and maybe it'll help someone else out. Writing in my journal didn't even help me out that much because I wasn't reaching out to anyone and I couldn't keep a thought running. Here I feel better about those things. My apologies for the lengthiness, many thanks, and that's all for now