I'm into dissociation fics lately so I was thinking something with Spencer having dissociation spells. Maybe after prison, Luke notices that Spencer isn't engaging with others as much anymore. He is just going through the cycles of living but not showing emotions and Luke brings it up to him and offers help? Or maybe a case triggers a dissociation episode and Spencer is just staring at the table or something and Luke, or whoever, manages to pull him from it?
thanks ily 🖤
Oh hey... remember when I asked people to leave me requests? Yeah me neither.
This includes what you'd expect from the prompt, usual canon typical angst.
3.5k words of angsty Ralvez and BAU family feelz
*****
Luke was worried about Spencer. Everyone was. He was out of prison and he was finally safe. After endless sleepless nights, anxieties running high and working tirelessly; the team had managed to bring him home, find his mother and finally stop Cat Adams and Lindsay Vaughn.
It was far from over, though. That kind of trauma, on top of everything Spencer had already experienced beforehand, took their toll on the man. A part of him went to prison and never returned.
After their 6 weeks mandatory leave and Spencer’s partial reinstatement, it became very clear that he was not able to work at the BAU so soon after his release. His constant flashbacks, mood swings, anger, and self destructive tendencies made it unsafe to be on the team. He didn’t trust himself and he knew he was too unstable for the team to trust him. Though they never said anything.
He had briefly tried to lecture as Prentiss had initially planned, but for the same reason, public speaking in front of a group of college students became too overwhelming as well. It was Luke who suggested it first, that he take some time off to focus on healing. Spencer had hated the idea, sitting at home all day alone with his thoughts, but it was clear he wasn’t going to be able to hold down a job. At least for now.
The team made an effort to ensure he was rarely alone, Prentiss allowing Luke to work from home if they didn’t have a case. Or if not Luke, another team member would go to their apartment to keep him company. They took turns driving him to therapy, encouraging him to go outside. Importantly, though, they tried to spend quality time with him. They loved him and they wanted to remind Spencer of that everyday. Often, though, he wanted to be alone, hating the team seeing him in such a vulnerable mental state.
He’d initially isolated himself, saying he’d rather be alone than be babied. Hating the looks of concern or pity always thrown his way, he missed how the team used to joke around him.
It started with everyone always checking in on him, mindful of what they said and how they acted around him trying not to trigger him. In the beginning, he hated it. He knew everyone was walking on eggshells around him and he just wanted to be able to go back to normal again.
Luke had tried to coax him out of his self-inflicted exile, saying he’d spoken to the team, that maybe they were being a little too sensitive. Maybe Spencer was right, and they should try and treat him normally again, instead of like a victim. It took time, but eventually Spencer learned to trust the team again, showing up to family pasta nights at Rossi’s. The team made an effort to talk to him normally. They didn’t constantly ask him how he was feeling, how his therapy was going.
They just asked him normal questions, if he’d read anything interesting recently, or they’d share stories of their own mundane home lives, reminding Spencer that it was possible to carry on. It had been awkward at first, the team still scared of causing Spencer to panic. And despite what he said, they were still careful of what they said, the volume of their voices, getting too drunk, just to a lesser extent than before.
Luke explained to him that it was normal to have changed, that he wasn’t a worse man because of it. Of course he was going to struggle. He explained how he still loved Spencer so much, no matter what, and so did the rest of the team. Spencer still struggled to believe him, hinting that there were things he did, things that happened to him when he was locked up that would make Luke stop loving him. Luke told him that was impossible, but never forced Spencer to share anything he wasn’t ready to. He just hoped that Spencer wouldn’t torture himself with keeping everything to himself, knowing that sharing did sometimes lift a weight off his shoulders.
Despite his reservations, it didn’t change how much he relied on Luke to help him, keep him grounded and keep him from spiralling. He loved him so much and couldn’t imagine what his recovery would be like without him. He needed Luke there with him. His dependance on the other man emotionally, and now economically, scared him, but he didn’t want to find out what it would be like to go without him. Especially now that he couldn’t work.
Something Luke had noticed Spencer started doing was dissociating, one of the driving factors behind Spencer taking his sabbatical. He’d be present, and moments later, his eyes would glaze over and he would be in another world. It frightened Luke, seeing Spencer’s gaze totally unfocused, his body tense and afraid.
There were times his touch frightened Spencer even more than wherever his mind had taken him, or even his voice. Other times, it was exactly what Spencer needed to come back. It was when he continued to dissociate at the office that Prentiss deemed Reid unsafe for field work, a place full of potential triggers. After being demoted to desk work for a while, even that became too much for him, the team looking over and seeing Spencer once again trapped in the horrors of his own memory.
Tonight, they were at Rossi’s once again, trying to bring a sense of normalcy to everyone’s lives and restart an ongoing tradition. Spencer had high spirits tonight, in comparison to other evenings. Whilst it had been a while since he last saw the team as a whole, let alone with all their respective partners and kids, he was looking forward to some good food and company.
Although neither of them spoke about it, he knew Luke must have had a talk with them back at the office. A reminder not to overwhelm Spencer with excitement, and that he would probably keep socialising to a minimum as he usually did these days. The team listened and when they entered, took their time to greet them one-by-one before returning to their conversations, wherever they were scattered around Rossi’s ground floor and garden.
Spencer remained glued to Luke’s side as expected, letting Luke lead the conversation and chiming in when he felt ready. Everyone tried to tread the fine line of talking to the two of them without making Spencer feel excluded, yet still not forcing him into conversation. Once again, on eggshells around him, but when he felt so mentally exhausted all the time, he had learned to come to appreciate their thoughtfulness.
Spencer felt a tug on his sleeve and he looked down to see Michael, nervously chewing his own sleeve.
“Hey Michael,” he smiled, always excited to be around the kids of the BAU, even though they were growing so quickly now.
“Will you come play with us?” Michael nervously asked, wanting to spend time with Spencer who he barely saw these days.
Spencer glanced back at Luke for encouragement, but it was a no-brainer, he could never say no to the sweet child. Not counting Hank, he was the youngest BAU kid and although Spencer was Henry’s Godfather, he loved them all equally.
“Sure thing,” Spencer unlatched himself from Luke’s arm and held out his hand for Michael to hold, finding it adorable that his whole hand wrapped around just 2 of Spencer’s fingers. He let himself be led outside to the garden, where the boys had a small soccer goal set.
Michael excitedly let go and announced that Spencer should watch him as he ran up to the ball and kicked it in the net, his small legs only allowing the ball to roll in slowly. Jack and Henry, the older boys, made a show of trying to defend the ball but letting it go into the net anyway, saying Michael was already getting too good for the two of them.
Michael giggled in response, loving being included in their games, his sleeve still being chewed on as he ran around. Spencer also loved watching them, taking a seat on the outside sofas to get a good view. He knew Hotch and Prentiss were out on the deck as well, but for now, he chose not to engage with them and was grateful they didn’t approach him. They had already said hello, but he was not in the mood to talk, especially without Luke around.
In the meantime, the 3 boys took turns scoring goals, Jack and Henry actually defending one another, whilst still letting Michael get them all in. When he missed entirely, the ball rolled so slowly it gave the older boys time to pick up the rubber net and move it so it went in anyway, causing all the adults watching to laugh at their ridiculous game.
At some point, Michael ran inside whilst the other two continued. Without the small one around, their game became even more competitive, they tackled each other, laughing loudly, sometimes shouting at one another and accusing the other of cheating. For them, it was friendly banter as the two had been friends for years, Jack was slightly older and knew to be careful, but Henry was bigger now too and he had a fair chance at soccer.
“GOAAALLLL!” Jack shouted, lifting his shirt to cover his face and run around like he’d seen soccer players do.
“No fair,” Henry shouted back.
“Is too,” Jack retorted, running back and kicking the ball once again so it hit Henry in the legs.
Suddenly, the friendly banter turned into the two boys wrestling. They weren’t trying to hurt each other, but they were growing boys with a lot of energy, it was just fun. They continued to shout at each other as they did so until they heard Hotch call from the sidelines:
“Boys, be careful. Jack, remember you’re older than Henry.”
“It’s okay Mr Hotch I can still fight him,” Henry responded, wanting to prove himself.
“I think that’s enough.” He said instead, not wanting either of them to get hurt now that the fight was looking a little too competitive for his taste.
“Ugh you ruin everything,” Jack let go of the younger boy and stormed inside, giving Hotch an insight as to what he had to look forward to as his teenage years approached. Hotch smirked and looked back at Prentiss, knowing not to take it personally.
“Lets go inside,” he motioned, now that everyone was headed inside and it was coming up to 8pm. Rossi was punctual with serving dinner. “Reid you coming?” He asked, before grabbing his drink and following Prentiss and the boys into the house, not waiting for an answer.
“Looks like you had fun,” JJ laughed looking at the boy’s sweaty faces and grass stained clothes as they ran inside, already forgetting their fight and focusing on drinking juice as quickly as possible.
Seeing the group walk into the lounge, Luke was suddenly concerned Spencer wasn’t with them.
“Is Spencer not with you?” He asked, already heading the direction they came.
“He was watching us play,” Michael smiled, not realising the seriousness of Luke’s tone.
“I assumed he was right behind me,” Hotch explained weakly, not even realising Spencer had never followed them inside.
Picking up his pace, Luke marched to the patio to find Spencer, still on the outside couches and staring at the grass, assuming that’s where the kids were playing.
He focused for a second to allow himself to calm before he made himself known.
“Spence?” He asked, voice as soft as it would go. As expected he received no response.
Shit
He headed over to his boyfriend carefully. Although given that Spencer did not react, Luke assumed he was deep into a flashback, meaning even if he stormed over loudly, he’d probably still receive no reaction.
He knelt down in front of Spencer, trying to meet his eyeline to see if there would be any recognition at all.
“Baby, it’s me Luke. Can you hear me?” He begged, knowing it was futile but hoping some of his words would filter though. “You are safe, it’s just you and me here.” He continued it in vain.
Then, as he always did when talking didn't work, he tried touch. Spencer’s hands were knotted together in a vice-like grip, he reached out for them to hold onto them. He also wanted to alleviate some of the pressure, knowing Spencer would be holding them tightly in a way that would hurt.
“Can you feel me? Those are my hands. Luke’s.” He managed to loosen Spencer’s hands to hold one in each of his own, using his thumb to rub soothing circles onto it.
He looked up at Spencer, still terrified that he was in such a catatonic state. Based on past experience, Spencer always got out of this state eventually, sometimes faster than other times. It didn’t change the fact that Luke was scared each and every time that Spencer would be stuck like that forever. That this would be the one time that kept him like that.
He himself needed to take deep breaths to remind himself this was temporary, and that Spencer was relying on him to get him out- even if he didn’t know it.
Holding his hands and his soothing words weren’t working. Spencer’s eyes were still distant, albeit now tears were flowing down his cheeks. Luke hated to think about where his mind had taken him. Which of the many traumatic events in his life he was now reliving.
“Please Spence,” Luke’s fear got the best of him as he began to panic. Wishing he could shake Spencer out of his trance but knowing it would only make it worse.
He noticed Hotch and Emily’s abandoned drinks out on the table in the corner of his eye, Hotch’s now empty scotch glass still with a couple of ice cubes in them.
He risked leaving Spencer for a moment, not that he could do anything to hurt himself in that short time, to fetch the glass and empty the ice in his hand.
He took it back and transferred the ice cubes into Spencer’s hands. Then he sat back and said a silent prayer. He noticed Spencer’s hands begin to grip the ice into closed fists as his gaze remained far away.
He hoped that the cold would shock that part of Spencer’s body and bring it back into reality. He’d heard that implementing that temperature change would help remind him where he was, the real feeling versus his phantom pains.
“Baby are you with me?” Luke asked again, when he noticed Spencer blink, looking like he’d woken up from a restless sleep.
He still looked absent, but he managed to make eye contact with Luke, enough to illustrate that he was beginning to come back.
“Luke?” He croaked, noticing his boyfriend sitting in front of him.
He was confused, couldn’t quite remember where he was and he could feel his body go into overdrive. His heartbeat was going crazy, his mind was all over the place and his body felt separate from his own. He’d just been back in prison, it felt so real. He was convinced he was trapped there forever, and then suddenly he wasn’t there.
He wasn’t sure which reality was real. Prison or Luke.
“Are you with me?” Luke asked hopefully, grabbing hold of Spencer’s now ice-cold hands. Squeezing them so that he could have something to feel.
Spencer didn’t respond, still unsure if Luke was real. If he really was there with him.
“Can you name something you see Spencer?” Luke knew Spencer was now confused and unsure of his surroundings. He hoped that listing some senses would help make him realise.
“You”
“Grass”
“House”
“Pool”
Spencer listed. Slowly. He left long pauses between each word as he blinked and forced himself to focus on what he could really see and what was not a part of his imagination.
“That’s really good, Cariño. All of those things are here. Can you name some things you feel?”
“Hands”
“Cold”
“Chair”
Once again, Spencer slowly answered, trying to focus on the sensations his body could feel. He was not in pain, he had not just been attacked. He could feel the ice melting in his hands, now being held by Luke. He could feel the sofa cushion underneath him.
“What about some things you hear?”
“You” Once again, he focused on Luke and tried to remind himself he was real.
“Crickets”
“Music”
The faint music in the background of Rossi’s kitchen was playing. Luke noticed their chattering had stopped, but the soft jazz continued to play.
“You’re doing so well, Baby.” Luke breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the signs that Spencer was returning to them. Only they weren’t out of the woods yet. He could easily dissociate again now, and it was likely he would feel strange for the remainder of the evening.
“Sorry,” Spencer’s eyes welled up again as he saw the worry in Luke’s eyes.
“None of that,” Luke now joined Spencer on the couch and held him tightly as Spencer softly cried against his chest. Luke continued to soothe him, rocking them both gently as he continued to remind Spencer that he was real and safe and wherever he was was a distant memory.
“I’m here with you. We’re at Rossi’s and we’re about to have some pasta.” He repeated for a while, losing track of time when Jack came outside.
“Is Uncle Spencer okay?” He nervously asked.
“He will be,” Luke reassured, not knowing how much the child could understand. A child who had also had to go through so much so young.
“Was it because of me and Henry?” He questioned further. He didn’t fully understand what happened to Spencer, and no one told him the details. He knew he was a kid but he hated that adults spoke in riddles to him, thinking he was too young.
What he did know, though, was that Uncle Spencer was sensitive at the moment and that they needed to be careful around him. His mom had told him not to play rough with Spencer like they used to, not to scream and shout when they were playing.
He had done exactly that when he and Henry had begun to get competitive.
“It’s not your fault,” Luke reassured. “Not at all.”
Although he also began to suspect that their rowdy playing could have triggered Spencer, he still firmly believed it was not the boys’ fault. They were entitled to enjoy themselves and play, they weren’t at fault for the things that happened to Spencer. It was unfortunate that it happened tonight, but the kids were definitely not to blame.
Spencer heard Jack asking Luke, he heard Luke reply and he too so desperately wanted to reassure the boy, but he found himself at a loss for words again. So he protected himself by keeping his face hidden in Luke’s chest, wrapping his arms even tighter around him.
“I’m sorry, Uncle Spencer,” Jack said anyway, knowing Luke wasn’t blaming him just to be nice but still feeling guilty.
“It’s okay, Kid. I promise. Uncle Spencer will be fine, he just needs a little time.”
He looked down at Spencer who looked like he wasn’t going to be ready to join the group anytime soon.
“Hey, Kid. Why don’t you tell the others to start eating dinner? We’ll come join later.”
Happy with his task, Jack went inside. When Garcia quickly came out to double check on Spencer - knowing he was in capable hands- and that Luke was alright with them starting the food, the team began to resume their evening.
They had slowly begun to find a balance, trying to enjoy their time but being mindful that Spencer was struggling. They knew that sitting in silence in sombre moods was the last thing Spencer would want and it would only put even more pressure and attention on him. Carrying on, although they could not get quite as lively as excitable as they wanted, was the best way forwards.
Rossi was sure to plate two very generous helpings for the two of them, including placing even more in a tupperware for them to take home.
The two came in half an hour later, Spencer finally ready to face the team, tear stained and flushed face, but they had seen him much worse.
“You feeling better, Spence?” JJ asked, the others continuing their quiet chatter. He only nodded in response as he took his seat, grateful everyone else made the effort to not look at him.
“Let me warm those plates up,” Rossi headed to the kitchen to place them back on the pan for a couple of minutes. Refusing to microwave them.
Soon enough, the evening was back in full swing. Everyone with bellies full of pasta, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
Luke checked in regularly with Spencer, seeing how he felt as the evening went on. He always kept some contact between their bodies, whether it was a hand on the thigh, holding hands, or wrapping an arm around Spencer. Touch helped keep Spencer grounded and his own protective instincts won over as he felt he couldn’t let his boyfriend go.
This would happen many more times but he needed to remind himself that Spencer was getting better and it wasn’t permanent.
**** Hope you enjoyed :)
I'm gonna make this a part of a series where Spencer has to stay home for his mental health so stay tuned for more
Link for A03
