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May

It was my bed. That was all that mattered to me, really. I didn’t really know the house, and I didn’t know the room, but it was my bed and that was all I could ask for. That was all I wanted, really.

I tucked up under the sheets, staring at my collection of books that had also made the journey from my old house to my new one, wondering which one I should read for the millionth time, if I even had the energy to read at all. There was a small knock on my bedroom door, and I figured it was Liam coming to say goodnight, when my mum gently cracked the door open, and poked her head in to see me. “Mum!” I bolted upright. “Holy fuck, mum!” She ran over to me, sitting down on my bed and grabbing hold of me, taking me into the strongest hug she could. She was shaking straight away, and I knew she was crying, but so was I. Obviously I had inherited that from somewhere, and neither of my parents were good at holding in their emotions. “You shouldn’t swear, Pippa.” She sobbed. “I’m so sorry.” I wept into her hair. “I’m so sorry I’ve not been here. I’m so sorry. I’m the worst daughter ever and I know that. But it was so hard. It’s been so hard. And I know it’s been even worse for you but I just didn’t know how to face it and I hate myself and I’m so sorry.” I had broken down about it much quicker than I thought I would. I knew it was going to happen, it was inevitable, but it had just overcome me as soon as I saw her. She hushed me, and I felt like a child again. It was like I had fallen over and scraped my knee, and my mother was there trying to calm me down and tell me everything would be okay. But when I was younger, all she had to do was get me a Mr Bump plaster, and everything magically felt better. I didn’t think there was a plaster for this kind of pain. She left the hug, but held her face close to mine, wiping away my tears and shaking her head. “You’re not the worst daughter ever.” She tutted. “We’re just all dealing with this differently. And I know you’re hurt, and I’m so sorry. I never thought we would put you through this.” “You don’t have to be sorry!” I whelped. “The only person who needs to be sorry here is the one person who hasn’t even spoken to me.” She was choking on her words, desperate to hold it together, but not finding it too easy. It killed me seeing her like that. If there was one thing I knew about my mother, it was that she wasn’t weak. She was strong and beautiful, radiant and powerful. Seeing her seem so broken, was enough to split my heart in two. “I guess that’s just his way of dealing with it.” She tried to defend him. I knew she would. Just because they were filing for divorce, didn’t mean she didn’t still love him. This had all happened so suddenly. She was still completely in love with him, I knew that, but he didn’t feel the same way. “How’ve you been?” I asked quietly, calming slightly. “I’m okay.” She shrugged. “Still trying to get used to everything, but, I’m okay. Divorce procedures are not fun though.” We were both calming one another. The less I cried, the less she cried, and vice-versa. Neither of us were feeling too incredible, but we were toning it down slightly, and it was better that way. “I bet.” I gulped. “What’s going on there?” “Well, he’s staying with his new woman, who used to be a friend of mine-” “WHO?” I barked. “It doesn’t matter, sweetie. So since he’s doing that, I’m trying to get our old house back, and that’s looking good so far. It seems likely I will.” “That’s good.” I smiled. “Yeah. I think Liam will probably stay renting this place on his own, but I’m ready to go home.” I had been hoping she saw this new place as home, but it must have been difficult for her. It wasn’t right. Our things looked irregular in this new place, they didn’t suit the building. It must have been hard trying to think of a building you were renting, as home. They had paid off the mortgage for their old house a couple of years earlier. That was her home. It was supposed to be that way until she was old and withered, her husband alongside her. I guess things don’t always work out. “What about me and Liam?” I pouted. “What about you and Liam?” She asked. “Don’t you have to like, fight to be our legal guardian, or something?” “No.” She shook her head. “You two are old enough to make your own decisions. We thankfully don’t have to fight for custody.” “Oh. Not sure he’d fight for us anyway.” That was something my mum couldn’t argue against. She couldn’t stick up for him when it came to that, because we all knew he wouldn’t. Not talking to me might have been his way of dealing with things, but it didn’t sit well with me. To not have even had a text. “Who needs him anyway?” She faked a laugh. “You know we’d always pick you, right?” I didn’t mean to set her off, but I did. She burst into tears. I had been trying to comfort her, but that was such a stupid thing for me to say. She didn’t want it to be a competition. She had never wanted us to have to pick between the two of them at all. It was then that I realised that another thing I had inherited from my mum, was an ability, or a need at least, to hide from our feelings. To sweep things under a rug and pretend they weren’t there. She knew it would be a case of picking, and she knew we would pick her over him any day. She just didn’t like to admit it. The only thing worse than admitting your feelings to yourself, is having someone else tell you exactly how you’re feeling. I stared at her tears, and the way she flapped her hands over her eyes, trying to cool down and compose herself. “God, I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.” She flustered. “You’re not a mess.” I lightly hit her arm. “You’re amazing. You inspire me, y’know?” “Don’t be silly.” “I’m not being silly, mum!” I cried. “You’re doing so well and you’re so strong. You’re doing amazing. I promise. Don’t put yourself down.” I never wanted to feel the pain she was feeling. I had been beating myself up for weeks about the way I was feeling towards Harry. Putting myself down. Feeling like such an idiot, letting it all get on top of me and make me feel so terribly about myself. What did it mean, really? It meant nothing. The pain I felt from my inappropriate crush on Harry was absolutely nothing. I could deal with that. Even if it did tug at my heart in the worst possible way, even when he kissed me, it could never even compare to the heartache I was witnessing right in front of me. It’s unhealthy, to compare your problems to other peoples. Just because someone is going through worse should never discredit how you feel, it should never make you feel selfish or unworthy. But sometimes, it does help you put things into perspective. So I cuddled my mum again, not feeling too stupid about how down I had been, just aware that I knew people going through worse, and I had to be strong for them. + + + I woke up alone. I slept in until 11am, when my alarm went off, because otherwise I would have slept in a lot later than that. I was confused when I woke up. It wasn’t my uni room, and it wasn’t my room-room. It was just some random room. But it all came back to me with a thud to the chest pretty quickly. However, that was easy enough to get over. Me and my mum ended up talking for hours the evening previous, and we both came out the other end feeling a million times better about our situation. Turns out, she was just as happy as I was, that I was away from everything. She also spoke about how it was better to be alone, and working on herself, than in a relationship that was built on lies, with a man who didn’t truly love her. She was impossibly courageous. I sprung out of bed, excited about the prospect of actually having a full fridge for a change. My plan was to make a sandwich with basically everything on it. I bounded out of my room, happy at first, until I realised just how alone I was. It was bizarre. Completely. Since September, no matter what anyone’s schedules were, whenever I woke up, there was a 99% percent chance that there would be at least one other person there to have as company. Liam was at work, and so was my mum. I literally hadn’t felt so alone in months. “Well... Shit.” I spoke to myself, looking around. I was waiting for some kind of noise. For Mike to jump out of the door across the hall, yelling about something or other and kissing my cheek and cracking a joke. I genuinely missed him already. Less than 24 hours, and I was craving the company of Mike Jones. I needed to pull myself together. I shook off the feeling, and ran down the stairs, but as soon as I was in the kitchen at the back of the house, instead of making food, I unlocked my phone to text Katie and make some plans, since I hadn’t seen her since New Year’s Day. But before I could do that, I was greeted with a text from Harry. My stomach flipped… That stupid old thing. Harold: Ben and Kev were very disappointed when I turned up without you yesterday. Seems I’m not good enough. I must have read that text about 20 times before I finally thought up a reply. I was actually nervous. It was utterly ridiculous. I lived with the guy, I was going to live with him for at least another year. I had spent time alone with him on numerous occasions, and I was nervous about a god damn text? Pathetic. But I had never text him before. Literally. I was always with the boy, so why would I need to text him? We had only exchanged numbers a couple of days beforehand. My hands were literally shaking as I replied, my Harry dry spell already soaking. Me: I thought they might be, to be honest. I tend to stir that reaction in people. I’m very easy to miss. Harold: That’s strange because I definitely don’t miss you. Life has been much easier for the past 21 hours. Even the fact he had calculated that it had been 21 hours since we last saw one another, made me flutter and fluster. It wasn’t hard to figure out. It wasn’t like he had sat and calculated it. It wasn’t like he was watching the clocks click by, counting down the days and the hours until we were reunited, but I swear to god I reacted like he was. I was blushing. I’ll never understand why. I truly despised myself sometimes. So I decided to make a joke of it. Me: Counting down the hours, I see? Miss me THAT much? How many hours until we’re together again? Harold: Not enough. I giggled, but decided not to text him back. For my own bloody health. I made a sandwich quickly, consisting of mayonnaise, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and ham. It was literally the best thing I had tasted in months. There was a high possibility that was down to the fact it was the first bit of food I hadn’t paid for in months, but regardless, it was delicious. I went a sunk into the sofa, flicking on the TV and taking a bite before I rang Katie, in a state of awe thanks to my sandwich making skills. “PIPPA! ARE YOU HOME SAFE AND SOUND?” She yelled as soon as she answered. “I AM INDEED!” “YESSSS BABE YESSSSS!” She cheered. “So what’s the plan? Sophia’s about. ALSO, Jamie and Matt are around too.” The four of them were my closest friends from home, and we were finally all back in the same place. Katie, Sophia, Jamie and myself were all at uni, whereas Matt was still trying to figure out his life, and trying to get a job. I was looking forward to catching up with them all again. “Good! So what’s the plan?” I asked. “Well, I’m busy having family time this afternoon. Snore, I know, but it’s whatever. So I think the plan is for us all to get really drunk tonight. You in?” We had made a pact with each other, that whilst we were away we would stay in touch quite lightly, so we had plenty to catch up on once we were back. Which meant that Katie didn’t know about my mum and dad. She didn’t know how much ‘family time’ sounded like an absolute dream to me, but it was something I wouldn’t really experience again. I was so jealous. “Um, sure. Look, can we meet a little earlier? Before we go meet everyone? I just... a lot’s happened and I need a catch-up with you. Is that okay?” “Of course. Anytime. I’ll meet you at The Bull at seven, okay?” “Yeah. Sounds perfect.” “And bring Liam! He got hot on his travels.” “Fuck off!” I giggled. “I’ll see you soon.” “Byeeeee.” “Byeeee. Bye. Bye.” + + + Katie plonked a pint down on the table between us, and then sat across from me, both of us still looking around for a familiar face, but failing to find one, which was pretty unusual since we were back in our local. It was a Sunday afternoon, too. It should have been heaving. But, in a way, I was glad there was nobody there we knew. Katie was the type of person to just invite them over to drink with us, and company was the last thing I wanted to go alongside our upcoming chat. “So, tell me.” She began after a sip. “What happened with you and that Louis guy? Why didn’t it work out?” I took a big sip of my drink too, much bigger than the one she took. In a way, I wished things with Louis hadn’t ended. It wasn’t that there were still feelings there or anything, but even when I found out about Maisie, the way that made feel was nothing compared to the way I was currently feeling about Harry. It proved how different my affections for the two of them were. Louis was pretty casual, Harry was, seemingly, the total opposite. Whenever I even bloody looked at Harry, nothing felt casual. “Um,” I was laughing into my drink before I even found the words. “It turned out he had a girlfriend.” “Are you serious?” She gawped. “Hundred percent.” “That little bastard!” “Then he broke up with her and came up to me expecting me to fall into his arms. Thankfully, I didn’t. We’re okay now, though.” “You wouldn’t catch me being okay with him.” She scoffed. “Yeah, well you’ve never met Louis Tomlinson.” I chuckled. “Y’know what makes it even weirder? Liam was telling me yesterday, that the two of them are in touch.” Her face was as much of a picture as mine was when Liam told me that he and Louis had stayed pally since he came to see me at uni for my birthday. I nodded, and lifted the drink back to my mouth. “What? Why?” She asked. “I dunno!” I blurted. “He was just saying they get on, so decided to stay in touch. Totally weird. He lost the whole, protective big brother thing pretty quickly. That’s the kind of guy Louis is.” “And he’s fit.” She told me, like I didn’t know. “Yeah.” We had literally been there a matter of minutes and I was half way through my pint. I think I was nervous. Katie had been close with my family. I met her at college, so she had only known them around 3 years, but my parents were always so welcoming. They had always let me have people round to drink before nights out, sometimes drinking alongside us. She had gotten to know and love them. I really didn’t want her to get upset. Because she cried as much as I did, and that would have made me feel even worse. “So, do you have your eye on anyone else?” She quizzed, kinking her brows. “No. Katie, I need to talk to you about something.” I brushed past it quickly. She was a little taken aback by my quick change of topic, but she sat upright and put her drink down, knowing this wasn’t my usual tone. “Sure. You okay?” She asked, concerned. “Um. My-my mum and dad split up.” Her face totally dropped. I could practically see her stomach plummet to the floor through her flesh and bones. I bit my bottom lip, my chest shuddering as I held back tears. “Your mum and dad?” She baffled. “I know.” “Your mum and dad?” “Yeah.” I gulped. She smacked her hand against her mouth and placed her elbow on the table, and I noticed she was shaking too. Because it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t that I saw my family in some divine light and let the betrayal slip past me. Everyone thought my mum and dad were a great couple. People admired them as a couple. It wasn’t just me, idolizing them, they just had that aura. Or, I suppose, that image. “But... why?” She breathed. “My dad cheated on my mum.” “Fuck off?” “Yeah.” I gripped my hands into a fist on the table. “With some woman. My mum won’t tell me who, but apparently they used to be friends.” “I hate people.” She scowled. “So, that’s why Liam came home. Him and my mum are renting a house. Hopefully when the divorce procedures are over, she’ll get our house back. Um, my dad’s still with the woman. That’s it. What’s even worse, is I stayed at uni the whole time. She told me in January, and I saw her for the first time yesterday.” My eyes were welling up. “I haven’t even spoke to my dad. He... Fuck. He hasn’t even reached out to me once. I don’t... I don’t know what happened. Everything just... fell apart and I wasn’t even there for her.” I buried my face into my hands and sobbed as silently as I could, praying I wasn’t drawing eyes, but the place was pretty small, and almost impossible to stay even slightly inconspicuous. Katie stayed strong for me. I could see she was close to having a little cry herself, but she sucked it up, and took hold of one of my hands, revealing half my face. “Honey, look at me.” She shuddered, so I tried my best. “Everyone has their own ways of staying strong, okay? Don’t you fucking dare beat yourself up, just because your way of doing that was to stay out of things. Don’t you dare! You have to put yourself first with things like this, and you did. That’s amazing. I’m... I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it must be such a shock but... it’s a lesson, right? You’ll have your family, just like you always wanted. Don’t let this taint that for you. Please don’t.” “No way.” I gulped, composing myself. “I know what I want. What’s happening… It hasn’t changed anything, I promise. I’m just... I’m so sad. They’ve been such a great example of what I want and it’s like... How much of it was fake? I don’t know. But... I’ve had time and, the more I think about it... I guess it just made me want it more. It made me more determined. Like, I’ve had the view of it going well, and now I’m seeing it going wrong. It’s complicated, but it makes sense in my head.” She nodded along with me, seeming to understand where I was coming from, even though it made little to no sense in my own head. She was just happy that I hadn’t given up on the dreams of what I wanted. I had always been a pretty persistent person, and that was shining through. It didn’t matter to me that the original thing that made me want a family so much had fallen apart. That was what I wanted, and that was what I would get. “I’m proud of you.” Katie mulled after a while. “Why?” “For always being consistently true to what you want. Who you are. It’s my favourite thing about you.” I blushed, because they were always the greatest compliments I felt I could receive. Over someone telling me they liked my hair, or my makeup, or clothes. Over someone telling me they thought I was pretty or anything like that, compliments on my personality and my characteristics where what I truly wanted to hear. The ones that stuck with me. Then suddenly, she hit my arm, hard. I faked a bit of pain, using my left hand to stroke over the sore spot on my right arm, before then using it to wipe away the final few tears that had gathered under my eyes. “What was that for?” I gawped. “You should have spoken to me!” She growled. “No, I know, I probably should but... It’s good.” “Did you speak to Zayn about it?” She asked. “Yeah. He was amazing, obviously. I spoke with Ed too, and Harry. They’ve all been great so, yeah. I’ve been fine.” “You hated Harry the last time I saw you.” She chuckled. “I know.” I laughed at myself. “But he pulled through for me, during this whole thing with my mum and dad. Even when we weren’t friends he offered me a place to stay. Turns out he’s a really decent lad.” “Well, I’m just glad you’re okay.” She sighed. “Of course.” She downed the rest of her drink, because we both knew that the conversation was done, and she was trying to hide how torn up she was about the news of my parents. She just shook her head, getting to her feet and heading back over to the bar, not even asking if I wanted another drink, because she was going to get me one regardless. But at least it was done. We could just carry on drinking and move on with our night in higher spirits. I watched Katie at the bar, grateful to be back with her once again. To be honest, I was grateful for all the friends I had. I was lucky. If people say that your friends are your second family, I knew that I couldn’t have a better example to live by. + + + Jamie and Matt were complete idiots. I had forgotten that, somewhere down the line. Mike would probably get along with them very well. I watched as Matt shoved another peanut up Jamie’s nose, both nostrils now blocked, as Katie and Sophia put down an entire tray full of drinks on our table. It was only 9pm, but that meant I had already been there for two hours. Both me and Katie had not been taking our drinking lightly, either. But it was all good, because The Bull and every other place in town was the only open until midnight, so it wasn’t like I was peaking too soon or anything. Jamie and Matt had only just been handed their second pint and they were acting the drunkest out of the lot of us. They weren’t drunk, though. Just idiots, like I said. “Can you breathe?” Matt asked Jamie. “Yeah. Through my mouth.” He replied. “Okay, but just try and breathe through your nose.” Jamie closed his mouth, and huffed out the biggest sniff he could, and the two peanuts that had been jammed up his nose went flying into my pint. I stared at him across the table. The features of his face dropped at the exact same time as Matt’s dropped into his hands, his body flopping so he was practically slumped under the table as he laughed his little heart out, and the nuts sunk to the bottom of my glass. “What are you drinking?” I asked him. “Erdinger.” He replied. I took my glass of Fosters and swapped the two around, sticking my tongue out at him, before took a big gulp of what was his drink. “That’s better.” I sighed. “Hey!” He protested. “That cost like, twice as much as yours!” “Well maybe you should calm down with your peanut shenanigans.” I giggled. He stuck his middle finger up before he picked up his new, less expensive, weaker, drink. Which was all he deserved, to be honest. “So everyone, catch me up.” Sophia smiled. “I want to know everything. Matt, you first.” “Well, I still don’t have a job.” He said, sitting upright again. “My mum tells me that I’ve let her down every single day, and I got rejected for a job at fucking McDonald’s. That’s all I have.” I loved Matt dearly, but he was a little hopeless. He was one of those guys though. He was intelligent and kind, the sort of person who you knew would figure it all out eventually. He was just currently in a bit of a rut. “Oi!” Sophia snapped. “Working at McDonald’s isn’t a fucking picnic, alright? You have to be really hardworking to have a job like that. A girl at uni does it, and they work her into the bloody ground.” He held his hands up in defeat, knowing she was definitely right, and he was definitely in no place to be belittling any kind of work. Sophia had been working for her own money since she was 14 years old, when she got a part-time job at our local post office. Her mum and dad were both in great jobs, but had worked all their bloody lives to get there, and they wanted her to experience the same thing. She was barely scraping by at uni and she was working two jobs whilst she was there. No one knew hard work like Sophia and her family did. She was fucking brilliant. “London’s great.” Katie began next. “Choosing to study maths, not so great, but London is, so that’s fine. My mum and my step-dad are great. Yeah. Everything is great.” “My job at the art store is great.” Sophia began. “My job at the bar is terrible. But it’s whatever. At least I can afford to study, right?” Unsurprisingly, Sophia was studying business, in Nottingham. I struggled enough with no job. I had no clue how she worked two jobs and studied in between. Every head turned to me. I gulped hard, deciding to tell the truth, but just do it as casually as possible. “Umm. Well, uni is good. My mum and dad are getting divorced, but I’m good. It’s all good. Jamie, you’re next.” I prompted. I could tell Matt wanted to coo and sigh and sulk and ask me if I was okay, but I saw his eyes flick to Katie who was sat next to me, and the moment passed. I figured she had given him a threatening look, one that told him I really didn’t want to be asked. I smiled and took another sip of my drink, as everyone waited for Jamie to fill us all in on life since January, the last time we were all together. He seemed more awkward than I did. My stomach dropped, before he even spoke. “Um, uni’s great. Brighton has a lot of gay people, which is fun. I found out gay people are pretty fun.” “What aren’t you telling us?” Matt bit, knowing his best friend well. I didn’t want to say anything, because I didn’t want to push him, but we could tell from the look on his face and the bizarre direction he’d immediately taken the conversation, that it was something he did want to tell us, he just didn’t know how. “Okay, I’m sorry, it’s just… My-my mum has cancer.” He mumbled. “Which is shit. It’s… it’s shit, and I’m angry because… she found out in fucking February and only told me yesterday. Said she didn’t want to distract me from my uni work.” Matt looked like he was going to cry. Those two went to bloody primary school together, and they had been inseparable ever since. That news, was obviously, ripping him to pieces. Not that us girls were doing any better. My eyes were wide as I stared at Jamie like a deer in headlights. “Jamie, I’m so sorr-” Katie tried, but she was cut short. “And I don’t want to sound like a complete prick, but that’s so fucking selfish.” He was getting worked up, and there were tears in his eyes. “That’s so selfish of her. To think she can keep something like that from me. I have to… get home for summer, and she tells me now, after months of chemo, which apparently, isn’t going well. I’m so fucking angry, y’know?” He wasn’t angry. Obviously, he didn’t know that. He was just sad, and his only way of showing that so far, was via that swirl of rage. Without another word being said, Matt leaped to Jamie and hugged him tight, the two of them crying on each other’s shoulders. Every single one of us, had our own baggage. Seeing the pain on Jamie’s face, mine seemed pretty light. + + + Jamie lit a cigarette for me, then passed it over. I balanced the tip between my lips, and breathed in the biggest gulp of dirty air imaginable, the two of us drunk and sat on a curb, just around the corner from our houses, since now my mum was renting, we lived a few doors down from him. It was bitterly cold, but the amount of beers we had consumed helped us ignore that as we stared out to the damp pavement ahead of us, breathing quite heavily, Jamie lighting his own cigarette and seething the chemicals into his lungs. “So, which is your mums house?” He asked me. I pointed in the general direction as he whipped his head to look, not quite being able to spot the house I meant, but nodding anyway, like he knew the exact one. “That one.” I mumbled. “We’re neighbours!” “I guess so. For now.” I hiccupped. “So, I’m close if you ever wanna... talk. Or if you don’t, I won’t mention it again.” He took a long drag of his cigarette, his head clearly swimming as he tried to figure out what he wanted. I got it, in a way. I would bounce between wanting to talk about my mum and dads divorce, to never wanting to speak about it at all. But at least both my parents were healthy and well. That’s all that really mattered. I felt so awful for Jamie. “Right now, there isn’t much to talk about.” He shrugged. “I don’t know much. But, if I need to talk, I will. Right now, I think I need my bed.” We both got to our feet slowly, stumbling a little bit on our way up. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder as we walked towards my house, the two of us finding silent comfort in one another. We finished our cigarettes and hugged tightly. For his pride, I pretended to ignore his tears. I knew Jamie well after all these years, and I didn’t need to baby him. I practically fell into my house, still hiccupping as I locked my front door and made my way upstairs. With the place still being unfamiliar, and with how drunk I was, when I got upstairs, I went into Liam’s room thinking it was my own, seeing my brother fast asleep, snoring loudly. I giggled quietly and turned on my heel, figuring out the right room whilst in the hall, just to make sure I didn’t get in bed with my mum. I stripped off and got into bed, and without thinking what I was doing, I rang Harry, because I missed his voice. Already. He answered pretty quickly. “Hey.” He spoke. “Did I wake you up?” “Nah. I’m watching Netflix. What’s up? You okay?” His voice was a calm. It was soothing, relaxing, intimate, something I was practically versed in. I’d realised that I hadn’t gone that long without hearing his voice all year. It had been just over a day, and it was too long for me. I gulped hard, closing my eyes and getting comfortable, before I spoke. “Do you think I’m a bad person?” “What?” “Jamie’s mum has cancer.” He was quiet for a while, obviously. It wasn’t quite something you could reply to easily, something casual. Of course he didn’t know what to say. “Oh. Okay. Who’s Jamie?” “My friend. I keep complaining about stuff. But everyone’s healthy so I need to stop.” I hiccupped again. “Are you drunk?” “My mum and my dad are healthy. Liam is healthy. You’re healthy. That’s all that matters, right?” “Don’t put yourself down, Pip-Squeak.” “No. I’m not. I know-” I hiccupped. “I know not to discredit my own situation because of other peoples. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently.” “You’re amazing.” He whispered deeply, but I barely listened. “But I also need to take things into consideration, don’t I? I’m happy you’re okay. I need you to be okay. I’m happy when you’re okay.” He went quiet again, but I was too drunk to find that awkward. I was falling asleep, slowly but surely, soothed by the sound of his breathing, like I had been many times before. Usually, I was used to feeling his breath on my neck, but that would have to do. “I’m happy when you’re happy.” He eventually replied. “I’m tired.” I groaned. “And very drunk.” He chuckled. “Hm. Yeah. Very drunk.” I so desperately wanted to be with him, to have his arms wrapped around my waist, his warm skin gluing with mine. “Look after your friend, alright?” He sighed. “I’ll speak to you soon.” “DON’T GO!” I yelled, then shushed myself. “What? You’re falling asleep.” He laughed. “Let me fall asleep with you.” I yawned. “I can pretend you’re here.” I literally heard him gulp. His Adams-apple must have bounced like crazy, it was loud. Maybe it was uncomfortable, but I was too drunk to care. “Okay.” He mumbled. I could hear the distant sound of the TV again as I nodded off, trying not to focus on that, and just concentrate on the knock-on effect of his heart beating, resulting in the warm air that fell from his gorgeous lips, and practically travelled through our phones. It wasn’t long until I fell asleep, but he stayed on the other end the whole time.

#time to meet the home family #HAPPY READING BABS #one more update this week I think #hopefully tomorrow #1dff #Harry Styles #BB30