BPD relationship yo-yo
As my last post indicated, my partner and I try to do well, but it goes to shit pretty quickly.
He asked that I go through the past few months of our text messages to see how much fighting we do, and it started out alright (in September), and the past month has been godawful...
Reading them he does (usually) try to tell me to stop before things go to shit, and I don't. I can't. I write pages of rampage until he blocks me, and he has to on every communication medium because I will use them all the keep at it.
I come back down eventually and recognize what I just did, but that doesn't fix the damage I did.
I thought I was doing better, and I was, I think. But I guess yet again it was a temporary thing :(
We are meant to be having a talk about how to move forward, but I don't know what will make me better…
It seems the vast majority of it is miscommunication, and me rampaging about how he "doesn't understand" or "isn't listening" or "doesn't hear me", or I just read into what he says and lose it, etc…
And then there are the parts where he blows up when I actually do something outside of just being out of control angry, like secretly talking to my ex boyfriend (not with the intention of cheating), or going out and getting wasted to the point my safety is in danger (after having been drugged and violated and almost kid napped), or some other thing "normal people" wouldn't do.
I really have felt like I was beating BPD, but now I'm looking at how I have been, and it is becoming pretty obvious that I haven't gotten there yet…
And I know if I "blame BPD" it is going to be taken as an excuse and me evading taking responsibility for my actions, and of course I don't mean that, but it is so hard for people to accept that me acting like an asshole is actually a disorder, because it really does just look like I'm an asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone.
But I do. I give a lot of shits.
Unfortunately giving a shit and saying I'm sorry and every so often recognizing that BPD is taking over doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away the abuse I am responsible for, or the hurt I have caused, or restore the energy I have drained... especially not when this is this millionth time we have run around this circle…
Fuck you, BPD.
I don't know what to do.