5. Duty
“Are you okay, Jake? Charlie said you were having a hard time… Isn’t it getting any better?”
His warm hand curled around mine. “S’not so bad,” he said, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
He walked slowly back to the driftwood bench, staring at the rainbow-colored pebbles, and pulling me along at his side. I sat back down on our tree, but he sat on the wet, rocky ground rather than next to me. I wondered if it was so that he could hide his face more easily. He kept my hand.
I started babbling to fill the silence. “It’s been so long since I was here. I’ve probably missed a ton of things. How are Sam and Emil? And Embry? Did Quil--?”
I broke off mid-sentence, remembering that Jacob’s friend Quil had been a sensitive subject.
“Ah, Quil,” Jacob sighed.
So then it must have happened—Quil must have joined the pack.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
To my surprise, Jacob snorted. “Don’t say that to him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Quil’s not looking for pity. Just the opposite—he’s jazzed. Totally thrilled.”
This made no sense to me. All the other wolves had been so depressed at the idea of their friend sharing their fate. “Huh?”
Jacob tilted his head back to look at me. He smiled and rolled his eyes.
“Quil thinks it’s the coolest thing that’s ever happened to him. Part of it is finally knowing what’s going on. And he’s excited to have his friends back—to be part of the ‘in crowd.’” Jacob snorted again. “Shouldn’t be surprised, I guess. It’s so Quil.”
“He likes it?”
“Honestly… most of them do,” Jacob admitted slowly. “There are definitely good sides to this—the speed, the freedom, the strength… the sense of—of family… Sam and I are the only ones who ever felt really bitter. And Sam got past that a long time ago. So I’m the crybaby now.” Jacob laughed at himself.
“You’re not a crybaby, Jake.” I paused. There were so many things I wanted to know. “Why are you and Sam different? What happened to Sam anyway? What’s his problem?” The questions tumbled out without room to answer them, and Jacob laughed again.
“That’s a long story.”
“I told you a long story. Besides, I’m not in any hurry to get back,” I said, and then I grimaced as I thought of the trouble I was in.
He looked up at me swiftly, hearing the double edge in my words. “Will he be mad at you?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “He really hates it when I do things he considers… risky.”
“Like hanging out with werewolves.”
“Yeah.”
Jacob shrugged. “So don’t go back. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“That’s a great idea,” I grumbled. “Because then he would come looking for me.”
Jacob stiffened, and then smiled bleakly. “Would he?”
“If he was afraid I was hurt or something—probably.”
“My idea’s sounding better all the time.”
“Please, Jake. That really bugs me.”
“What does?”
“That you two are so ready to kill each other!” I complained. “It makes me crazy. Why can’t you both just be civilized?”
“Is he ready to kill me?” Jacob asked with a grim smile.
“Not like you seem to be!” I snapped. “At least he can be a grown-up about this. He knows that hurting you would hurt me—and so he never would. You don’t seem to care about that at all!”
“Yeah, right,” Jacob muttered. “I’m sure he’s quite the pacifist.”
“Ugh!” I ripped my hand out of his and pushed his head away. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them.
I glared out toward the horizon.
Jacob was quiet for a few minutes. Finally, he got up off the ground and sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders.
“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I’ll try to behave myself.”
I didn’t answer.
“I really do care, Beau.” His thumb rubbed my shoulder. “I care about your feelings a lot. I’m really sorry.”
I sighed, but didn’t say anything.
“Do you still want to hear about Sam?” he offered.
I shrugged.
“Like I said, it’s a long story. And very… strange. And sad. There’s so many things about this new life I haven’t had time to tell you the half of it. And this thing with Sam—well, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to explain it right.”
His words pricked my curiosity in spite of my frustration.
“I’m listening,” I finally said.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the side of his face pull up in a smile.
“Sam had it so much harder than the rest of us. Because he was the first, and he was alone, and he didn’t have anyone to tell him what was happening. Sam’s grandfather died before he was born, and his father has never been around. There was no one there to recognize the signs. The first time it happened—the first time he phased—he thought he’d gone insane. It took him two weeks to calm down enough to change back.
“This was before you came to Forks, so you wouldn’t remember. Sam’s mother and Liam Clearwater had the forest rangers searching for him, the police. People thought there had been an accident or something…”
“Liam?” I asked, surprised. Liam was Harry’s oldest son. Hearing his name sent an automatic surge of pity through me. Harry Clearwater, Charlie’s life-long friend, had died of a heart attack this past spring.
His voice changed, became heavier. “Yeah. Liam and Sam were best friends in high school. Inseparable. They were always together…” he paused and glanced at me. “Everyone always just thought they were just close friends… but…” He trailed off, looking at me.
“Sam and Liam… were… they…” I couldn’t find the words, but I felt how wide my eyes were.
“Yeah, it was a big secret. They didn’t tell anyone, just kept it between themselves. They weren’t dating or anything, but they just had this connection and, well, anyway, Liam was frantic when Sam disappeared.”
“But Sam and Emily—“
“I’ll get to that—it’s part of the story,” he said. He inhaled slowly, and then exhaled in a gust.
I supposed it was silly for me to imagine that Sam had never loved anyone before Emily. Most people fall in and out of love many times in their lives. It was just that I’d seen Sam with Emily, and I couldn’t imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her… well, it reminded me of a look I’d seen sometimes in Edward’s eyes—when he was looking at me.
“Sam came back,” Jacob said. “But he wouldn’t talk to anyone about where he’d been. Rumors flew—that he was up to no good, mostly. And then Sam happened to run into Quil’s grandfather one afternoon when Old Quil Ateara came to visit Mrs. Uley. Sam shook his hand. Old Quil just about had a stroke.” Jacob paused to laugh.
“Why?”
Jacob put his hand on my cheek and pulled my face around to look at him—he was leaning toward me, his face just a few inches away. His palm burned my skin, like he had a fever.
“Oh, right,” I breathed. It was strange, having my face so close to his with his hand hot against my skin. “Sam was running a temperature.”
Jacob laughed again. “Sam’s hand felt like he’d left it sitting on a hot stovetop.”
He was so close, I could feel his warm breath. I realized we were leaning in closer to each other, so I reached up casually, to take his hand away and free my face, but my fingers wound through his without consciously meaning to. He smiled and leaned back, I sat there blinking.
“So Mr. Ateara went straight to the other elders,” Jacob went on. “They were the only ones left who still knew, who remembered. Mr. Ateara, Billy, and Harry had actually seen their grandfathers make the change. When Old Quil told them, they met with Sam secretly and explained.
“It was easier when he understood—when he wasn’t alone anymore. They knew he wouldn’t be the only one affected by the Cullens’ return”—He pronounced the name with unconscious bitterness—“but no one else was old enough So Sam waited for the rest of us to join him…”
“The Cullens had no idea,” I said in a whisper. “They didn’t think that werewolves still existed here. They didn’t know that coming here would change you.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that it did.”
“Remind me not to get on your bad side.”
“You never could, so don’t worry about it.” He snorted. “I wish I could be as forgiving as you are, though.”
“Oh come on, Jacob, grow up.” I rolled my eyes.
“I wish I could,” he murmured quietly.
I stared at him, trying to make sense of his response. “What?”
Jacob chuckled. “One of those many strange things I mentioned.”
“You… can’t… grow up?” I said blankly. “You’re what? Not… aging? Is that a joke?”
“Nope.” He popped his lips on the P.
I felt blood flood my face. I tried to speak, but only bursts of frustrated air came out.
“Beau? What did I say?”
I was on my feet again, my hands ran through my hair in disbelief.
“You. Are. Not. Aging.” I repeated in angry shock.
Jacob tugged my arm gently, trying to make me sit. “None of us are. What’s wrong?”
“God, I’m going to be some old man surrounded by perpetual teenagers aren’t I? I’m not going to be able to have any of you stick around—I’m not going to be creepy old Swan with all his beautiful teenage friends, now am I? Oh god, how is this fair?” I felt myself deflate as the image of me, white-haired, sitting in a wheelchair, while Edward, still seventeen and beautiful, spoon-fed me my dinner before wheeling me down to La Push to visit Jacob, still just as young and beautiful, flashed through my head.
“Take it easy, Beau.”
“But, Jake, I’m literally surrounded by immortals. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“It’s not as bad as you seem to think it is. Sit down and I’ll explain.”
“I’ll stand.”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay. Whatever you want. But listen, I will get older… someday.”
“Explain.”
He patted the tree. I glowered for a second, but then sat; my anger had burned out as suddenly as it had flared and I’d calmed down enough to realize I was being stupid.
“When we get enough control to quit…,” Jacob said. “When we stop phasing for a solid length of time, we age again. It’s not easy.” He shook his head, abruptly doubtful. “It’s gonna take a really long time to learn that kind of restraint, I think. Even Sam’s not there yet. ‘Course it doesn’t help that there’s a huge coven of vampires right down the road. We can’t even think about quitting when the tribe needs protectors. But you shouldn’t get all bent out of shape about it, anyway, because I’m already older than you, physically at least.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look at me, babe. Do I look seventeen?”
I glanced up and down his tall, muscular frame, trying to be unbiased. “Not exactly, I guess.”
“Not at all. Because we reach full growth inside of a few months when the werewolf gene gets triggered. It’s one hell of a growth spurt.” He made a face. “Physically, I’m probably twenty-five or something. So there’s no need for you to freak out about being too old for me for at least another seven years.”
Twenty-five or something. The idea messed with my head. But I remembered that growth spurt—I remembered watching him shoot up and fill out right before my eyes. I remembered how he would look different from one day to the next… I shook my head, feeling dizzy.
“So, did you want to hear about Sam, or did you want to freak out at me more for things that are out of my control?”
I took a deep breath. “Sorry. That was stupid of me. Age is a touchy subject, I guess.”
Jacob’s eyes tightened, and he looked as if he were trying to decide how to word something.
Since I didn’t want to talk about the truly touchy stuff—our escape plans, contingencies, or treaties that might be broken by said contingencies, I prompted him. “So once Sam understood what was going on, one he had Billy and Harry and Mr. Ateara, you said it wasn’t so hard anymore. And, like you also said, there are the cool parts…” I hesitated briefly. “Why does Sam hate them so much? Why does he wish I would hate them?”
Jacob sighed. “This is the sad part.”
“Okay, I’m ready.”
“Okay,” he sighed again, “So, you’re right. Sam knew what was going on, and everything was almost okay. In most ways, his life was back to, well, not normal. But better.” Then Jacob’s expression tightened, like something painful was coming. “Sam couldn’t tell Liam. We aren’t supposed to tell anyone who doesn’t have to know. And it wasn’t really safe for him to be around Liam—but he cheated, just like I did with you. Liam was furious that Sam wouldn’t just tell him what was going on—where he’d been, where he went at night, why he was always so exhausted—it started to drive a wedge between them, even if they did love each other.”
“Did Liam find out? Is that what happened?”
He shook his head. “No, that wasn’t the problem. Liam’s cousin, Emily Young, came down from the Makah reservation to visit him one weekend.”
I gasped. “Emily is Liam’s cousin?”
“Second cousins. They’re close, though. They were like brother and sister when they were kids.”
“That’s… horrible. How could Sam…?” I trailed off, shaking my head.
“Don’t judge him just yet.” Jacob sighed. “Sam was the leader of the pack. The chief, I guess.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, confused.
“Being the leader… means you have a duty. A duty to the pack, to the tribe. It’s a responsibility to be strong, to be a leader, and to ensure the future of the pack.”
Something clicked in the back of my mind. “Sam couldn’t stay with Liam.” I guessed.
Jacob’s eyes strayed to the ocean. “Sam did love Liam. But he knew he had a responsibility. The elders never forced him to do anything, but they did tell him he needed to think of the pack—of the tribe.” Jacob laughed without humor. “And, when Sam saw Emily, I mean, something changed in him. Sam reasons that it was an instinct deep inside—like a werewolf thing—that made him just know that Emily was the one…”
“Like love at first sight?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Sort of,” Jacob continued. “There are legends, that there’s something about being a werewolf where we just… connect with people—we just know. Not even the elder’s know if it’s true, but Sam believes it. He has to, I guess.”
“Do you believe it?” I asked quietly.
“I don’t know.”
I didn’t know what to say, I just watched Jacob’s face quietly.
Finally, he spoke again. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.” He shrugged indifferently. “You wanted to know what happened to Sam to make him hate the vampires for changing him, to make him hate himself. And that’s what happened. He put the tribe first. He broke Liam’s heart. He went back on every promise he’d ever made him. Every day Sam has to see the accusation in Liam’s eyes, and know that he’s right.”
He stopped talking abruptly, as if he’d said something he hadn’t meant to.
“How did Emily deal with this? If she was so close to Liam…?” Sam and Emily were utterly right together, two puzzle pieces, shaped for each other exactly. Still… How had Emily gotten past the fact that Sam had belonged to someone else? Her brother, almost.
“Emily didn’t even know about Sam and Liam. Not at first. When he told her, she was angry at Sam for breaking Liam’s heart. But she loved Sam, too. She fell for him just as bad as he did for her.” Jacob sighed. “But it just got worse. You know how she got hurt?”
“Yeah.” The story in Forks was that she was mauled by a bear, but I was in on the secret.
Werewolves are unstable, Edward had said. The people near them get hurt.
“Well, Sam was in a real bad place. Liam hated him, Emily was angry with him. He was a mess. He felt as lost and alone as he did when he first phased. He couldn’t keep control… And Emily came to talk to him, but he couldn’t keep his emotions in check…” He trailed off. “Sam was so horrified, so sickened by himself, so full of hate for what he’d done… He would have thrown himself under a bus if it would have made Emily feel better. He might have anyway, just to escape what he’d done. To her, to Liam… He was shattered…. Then, somehow, after Emily recovered she forgave him. She saw how much pain he was in. Suddenly, she was the one comforting him, and after that…”
Jacob didn’t finish his thought, and I sensed the story had gotten too personal to share.
“Poor Emily,” I whispered. “Poor Sam. Poor Liam…”
“Yeah, Liam got the worst end of the stick,” he agreed. “He puts on a brave face. He’s going to be a groomsman.”
I gazed away, toward the jagged rocks that rose from the ocean like stubby broken-off fingers on the south rim of the harbor, while I tried to make sense of it all. I could feel his eyes on my face, waiting for me to say something.
“Did it happen to you?” I finally asked, still looking away. “This love-at-first-sight thing?”
“No,” he answered briskly. “We don’t even know if it’s a real thing. Sam believes it is… but I think he has to.”
“Hmm,” I said, trying to sort through my thoughts. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling. Was I glad that there wasn’t some mystical, wolfy connection between the two of us? Our relationship was confusing enough as it was. I didn’t need any more of the supernatural than I already had to deal with.
He was quiet, too, and the silence dragged on.
“That’s why Sam was so against me telling you…” Jacob finally whispered.
“What?” I asked surprised.
“He couldn’t be with Liam,” Jacob explained. “It wasn’t good for the pack. It’s our duty to preserve the pack—the line—and protect the tribe.”
“Oh,” I said, for lack of anything more insightful to say.
“It took some heat off me when Jared met Kim.” Jacob rolled his eyes.
“Jared met someone?” I asked quickly, eager to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Yeah, just some girl from school. He’d never noticed her before, but after he changed, she was the only person to go up to him and ask him if he was doing okay. He had never noticed her before, but she was so kind and she cared. So, he fell pretty hard for her. Kim was thrilled. She’d had a huge crush on him. She’d had his last name tacked on to the end of hers all over in her diary.” He laughed.
I frowned. “Did Jared tell you that? He shouldn’t have.”
Jacob bit his lip. “I guess I shouldn’t laugh. It was funny, though.”
“Some soul mate.”
He sighed. “Jared didn’t tell us anything on purpose. I already told you this part, remember?”
“Oh, yeah. You can hear each other’s thoughts, but only when you’re wolves, right?”
“Right. Just like your vampire.”
“Edward,” I corrected.
“Sure, sure. That how come I know so much about how Sam felt. It’s not like he would have told us all that if he’d had a choice. Actually, that’s something we all hate.” The bitterness was abruptly harsh in his voice. “It’s awful. No privacy, no secrets. Everything you’re ashamed of, laid out for everyone to see.” He shuddered.
“It sounds horrible,” I whispered.
“It is sometimes helpful when we need to coordinate,” he said grudgingly. “Once in a blue moon, when some bloodsucker crosses into our territory. Laurent was fun. And if the Cullen’s hadn’t gotten in our way last Saturday… ugh!” he groaned. “We could have had Victor!” His fists clenched into angry balls.
I flinched. As much as I worried about Jasper or Emmett getting hurt, it was nothing like the panic I felt at the idea of Jacob going up against Victor. Emmett and Jasper were the closest thing to indestructible I could imagine. Jacob was still warm, still comparatively human. Mortal. I thought of Jacob facing Victor, his brilliant orange hair blowing around his oddly feline face… and shuddered.
Jacob looked up at me with a curious expression. “But isn’t it like that for you all the time? Having him in your head?”
“Who? Edward? Oh, no. He’s never in my head. He only wishes.”
Jacob’s expression became confused.
“He can’t hear me,” I explained, my voice a tiny bit smug from old habit. “I’m the only one like that for him. For any vampire who can do mind stuff. We don’t know why that is.”
“Weird,” Jacob said.
“Yeah.” The smugness faded. “It probably means there’s something wrong with my brain,” I admitted.
“I already knew there was something wrong with your brain,” Jacob teased, bumping into me with his shoulder.
“Thanks.” I laughed.
The sun broke through the clouds suddenly, a surprise I hadn’t been expecting, and I had to narrow my eyes against the glare off the water. Everything changed color—the waves turned from gray to blue, the trees from dull olive to brilliant jade, and the rainbow-hued pebbles glittered like jewels.
We squinted for a moment, letting our eyes adjust. There were no sounds besides the hollow roar of the waves that echoed from every side of the sheltered harbor, the soft grinding of the stones against each other under the water’s movement, and the cry of the gulls high overhead. It was very peaceful.
Jacob settled closer to me, so that he was leaning against my arm. He was so warm. After a minute of this, I shrugged out of my rain jacket. He made a little sound of contentment in the back of his throat, and rested his check on the top of my head. I could feel the sun heat my skin—though it was note quite as warm as Jacob—and reveled in the warmth.
Absentmindedly, I twisted my right hand to the side, and watched the sunlight glitter subtly off the scar James had left there.
“What are you thinking about?” he murmured.
“The sun.”
“Mmm. It’s nice.”
“What are you thinking about?” I asked.
He chuckled to himself. “I was remembering that moronic movie you took me to. And Mike Newton puking all over everything.
I laughed, too, surprised by how important that memory had become to me over time. So much had changed that night… It was the last night Jacob and I had had before he’d learned the truth about his heritage. The last human memory. An oddly pleasant memory now.
“I miss that,” Jacob said. “The way it used to be so easy… uncomplicated. I’m glad I’ve got a good memory.” He sighed.
He felt the sudden tension in my body as his words triggered a memory of my own.
“What is it?” he asked.
“About that good memory of yours…” I pulled away from him so that I could read his face. At the moment, it was confused. “Do you mind telling me what you were doing Monday morning? You were thinking something that bothered Edward.” Bothered wasn’t quite the word for it, but I wanted an answer, so I thought it was best not to start out too severely.
Jacob’s face brightened with understanding, and a slightly guilty look crossed his face. “I was just thinking about you. Didn’t like that much, did he?”
“Me? What about me?”
Jacob laughed, though the guilty look remained. “I was remembering the way you looked that night Sam found you—I’ve seen it in his head, and it’s like I was there; that memory has always haunted Sam, you know. And then I remembered how you looked the first time you came to my place. I bet you don’t even realize what a mess you were then, Beau. It was weeks before you looked like yourself again. And I remembered how you always looked so sad, how your eyes were so empty…” Jacob winced, and then shook his head. “It’s hard for me to remember how sad you were, and it wasn’t my fault. So, when I realized he could see it too, I figured he should get a good look at what he’d done.”
I smacked his shoulder. It hurt my hand. “Jacob Black, don’t you ever do that again! Promise me you won’t.”
“No way. He deserves to see the damage he did!”
“Jake, you listen—“
“Oh, come on, babe. When am I ever going to see him again? Don’t worry about it.”
I got to my feet, and he caught my hand as I started to walk away. I tried to tug free.
“I’m leaving Jacob.”
“No, don’t go yet.” He protested, his hand tightening around mine.
“I don’t like when you’re like this, Jake.” I said, turning back to him, “It’s hard being around you.”
“Then I’ll be better,” he promised, his other hand reaching up to take mine. “I’m sorry. And… okay, I won’t do it again. Promise.”
I sighed. “Thanks, Jake.”
“Come on, we’ll go back to my house,” he said eagerly.
“Actually, I think I really do need to go. Angela Weber is expecting me, I promised I’d help her with her graduation announcements. Besides, Alice is worried, I’m sure. I don’t want to upset her too much.”
“But you just got here!”
“It feels that way,” I agreed. I glared up at the sun, somehow already directly overhead. How had the time passed so quickly?
His eyebrows pulled down over his eyes. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again,” he said in a quiet voice, and I could hear the hurt.
“I’ll come back the next time he’s away,” I promised.
“Away?” Jacob rolled his eyes. “That’s a nice way to describe what he’s doing. Disgusting parasites.”
“Jacob! What did I just tell you?” I tried to pull my hands free. He held them tightly.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said quickly, immediately repentant. He gently tugged me back towards him. “Knee-jerk reaction.”
“Listen, Jake, if I’m going to try and come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”
He waited.
“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Beau. And nothing else matters.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with revulsion.
“And I’m a Virgo!” I said, exasperated.
He raised his eyebrows, measuring my expression with curious eyes. Finally, he shrugged.
“If you can really see it that way…”
“I can. I do.”
“Okay. Just Beau and Jacob. None of those freaky Virgos here.” He smiled at me, the warm, familiar smile that I had missed so much. I felt the answering smile spread across my face.
Still sitting, he pulled me into a hug, wrapping his huge arms around my waist. I rested my head on top of his.
“I’ve really missed you, Jake,” I admitted. Running my fingers through his hair.
“Me, too,” He said, and I could hear the wide smile in his voice. “More than you know.” He gently pushed me back to look at my face. His eyes were happy and clear, free from all the angry bitterness. “Will you come back soon?”
“As soon as I can,” I promised.
And he pulled me back into another hug.