12/21/17
I’ve been wanting to write this out for a while now and with today’s turn of events, landing on a bus driving north for 8 hours instead of flying, I have plenty of time to do it. It’s also important to put it into words and really outline how I feel considering I am going to try to come out to my parents while visiting. I had a really important conversation with an older gentleman that I work with last week. I tend to do these things, where, especially if I’m closeted or trying to figure out what people feel about a situation, I play the opposite side of what I actually feel, just to gain some perspective. I’m not sure how it came up, but me and this guy started talking about transgender issues. I brought up the argument that I’ve come across more and more as I’ve started accepting myself because I wanted to see if he could give me some other way to look at it. Now, this guy is like an old man in his 60′s, black, with 2 sons…. And his response inspired me. I asked him what he thought about the fact that you can’t exactly change biology. I told him about how many articles I’ve read and videos I’ve watched that have argued that you can “SAY” you’re a boy ally want, but it will not change your biological sex and your DNA make up… This is an argument I’ve struggled with because I haven’t known how to argue it. And haven’t found anyone who ever has in a way that made me believe the other side. Because you know what? Those scientists and Docters and whoever….they are right. No matter how much I say I’m a boy, I will still always have been born a girl. No matter what, my DNA chromosomes will always be XX. But this is what he said- “How many time has mother nature ‘fucked up’. How many times have people been born ‘wrong’. What about people with 6 fingers instead of 5? Or the people who are conjoined twins? What about the people born with heart defects? And what about the people born as both? You really mean to tell me that because people were born outside of the norm that they have to deal and live with what makes them different? No. People get extra fingers removed. People get medicine to fix a heart defect. Conjoined twins get surgically split from each other. And you have no one telling them they were born that way so they should stay that way. Mother nature fucks up. That’s just the way it is. So if a transgendered person feels they were born in the wrong body, than who are we to say that that’s wrong or thats right? How awful must it be to feel that…” Now obviously I’m not out to the people that I work with, nor did I make any indication to the fact that I was. I mean, why would a trans guy challenge his own beliefs and try to lead you down an argument that goes against who I am as a person? Lol, I guess I’m kinda twisted. But, also just very open minded. I’m not scared to listen to peoples perspectives if it is done so respectfully. And look, people surprise you everyday. The way he worded it, of course I paraphrased, but it literally blew me away. I literally had goosebumps because I had never really found an argument like that. The material I’ve read that have strictly based facts about biology and DNA makeup have really had me stuck and I didn’t know how to fight it. I am a very facts based person…so you present me with the facts and I can see how those facts are true.. But I love perspective. I love shaking the globe and watching the snow fall from a different angle. I think you learn so much that way. And his response changed me entirely and quickly made me feel more confident in the fact that trans is REAL. Trans is okay. And that isn’t something that is an easy thing to get to. I am trans myself and I looked at all possible angles to see if I was just being crazy. But he’s right. Mother nature fucks up. People aren’t born perfect. People are handed certain cards and it’s how you chose to deal with them that makes you who you are. Could I live the rest of my life as a woman? Probably. I’ve done enough work internally and searched within myself to know what outside factors contribute or don’t contribute to my happiness and have adjusted. I’ve also done enough searching to know what to change within myself…what parts of me are toxic and what parts of me are just genuinely good. I don’t want to transition because I am unhappy as a whole…I want to transition because I’ve never been at home in my body…and I found that through some deep soul searching in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing. I chose to take the cards I’ve been given and not blame the universe for putting me in the wrong body. I chose to feel blessed for being dealt the wrong cards so I can learn how to navigate through struggle. I chose to thank God for making me such a strong individual that can handle something as tough as being born as the wrong sex. I mean, do you even know how much strength that takes? It’s a crazy amount of strength. And I’m proud of the people in the trans community that are still here, and still pushing, and thriving. I’m proud to be a part of a community with so much fucking power in just knowing themselves….because I’m sorry, not enough people know themselves enough. And not enough people dig deep enough in themselves to learn the things that make them who they are…and the things they need to let go of as well as pursue to make them better. Becoming aware is the key to happiness and growth and I am just so happy I’ve transitioned throughout my whole life to gain so much perspective everything. I am truly blessed and truly happy…not because I haven’t been and now have this “thing” to fix it, but rather because I know myself, and have found what it feels like to be at home in your body, just by having my pronouns changed and having a select few people call me Calvin. I feel amazing. I feel excited. And I feel empowered. I feel less reliant on others because for the first time in forever I’m fully reliant on myself because I finally met him, and he’s a great guy. I hope to have the courage to introduce myself to them as the great man I know I am and will continue to become. This life is beautiful, man. Embrace your journey and stay positive you beautiful souls.