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“Kahuna Nui Hale Kealohalani Makua” A Hawaiian phrase that means love all you see, including yourself 🍍❤️😍🤙🏻🌴 #me #myface #hawaii #hangloose #chillin #aloha #beyourself #trans #ftm #transmen #transguys #transman #prettyflyforatransguy #lifeascal #calvin #happy (at Kailua-Kona, Hawaii)
Still alive, still well, but struggling to be me in “paradise”... This picture made me feel handsome af 🤷🏻♂️ Livin’ Aloha as best I can ❤️🌋
02/24/18 It’s been a minute since you guys have seen my face. Surprisingly enough, my life is far more put together than my bedroom 😬😅👍🏻
03/20/18
I had my last appointment with my therapist today and I cried like a little bitch. It might seem silly to a lot of you, but she was more than just my therapist....she helped me grow in a way I don’t think I could have without her. I know it is her job to listen and provide guidance but she was more than that, she was a friend. I got her a thank you card and wrote a little note in it. One of the things I said was this: “It’s one thing to see me as I am, see me as who I want to be, and to lead me there. It’s another thing entirely to see exactly who I am, and to walk with me hand and hand, to arrive to the answer myself. That’s what you did, you let me find myself.” I didn’t think I would cry when leaving her, but she stuck out her hand for a handshake, and then we hugged and I was just overcome by emotion. This person played a huge role in my life for 6 months....navigated through all the dusty corners of my mind, and see’s me as this strong, handsome, level headed, kind, loving, and hard working man. She showered me with compliments and told me to wait for the lover who will give me the world. That I was worth more than always taking on the job of fixing something. That I have no personality disorders, her only diagnoses for me was gender dysphoria. We’ve had very productive talks. From day one I’ve been straight up about my flaws and my struggles, my worries and concerns, what I believe that I am, and what I want to become...the man I dream of being. And she saw me for all of it. She glows when she talks about how put together I am....how I am worthy of something so powerful, and it’s right at the tip of my fingers... I believe her. Because her soul goes beyond what she does for work....I can tell she genuinely cares about me, about my life as a man, and about the purpose I am carrying out in this world...the message I have to spread to everyone I encounter with... She says I am someone great, someone solid, someone good, someone intelligent and intellectual... And as I left, my eyes filled with tears and I told her I would miss her. She told me she would never forget me and said it was okay if I forgot her, and I said I would never forget. How could I? As a lover of the universe, a lover of connections, a lover of anything that grows and waters my roots, how could I forget someone who was so detrimental in me finding myself? How could I forget the person who helped me come out to my family? How could I forget the person who did WORK with me? I couldn’t and I won’t. I’ve seen countless numbers of therapists in my life and only two will forever be embedded in my memory because they shaped me into the solid person I am: Dr. Kate Mulrinin and Dr. Cheryl Stolz. Those two powerful women will never ever leave my heart and I will carry them among my journey forever.
I will miss the fuck out of her and wish her nothing but the best in her life. She is a soul that has probably saved so many lives, I know, because she saved mine. I am heartbroken as fuck today but so glad I have someone who touched me enough to miss.
02/13/18
I realize I don’t post here much anymore and I want to change that because I think it’s important to document this journey with myself. The mindset and the waves of emotions that ebb and flow are all important, and it’s important to write even when nothing happens. It’s like checking In with myself, in a way that no one else does, in a way that I wouldn’t expect anyone too.
Today, I feel impatient. Yesterday I felt content. Tomorrow, I might feel scared. The waves of emotions that surge through me from day to day in regards to my transitioning are all scary and confusing, but also very important. It’s a good reminder that I’m taking my time with this big life changing decision, and my fears and worries, all stem from the point that it matters.
I find myself being very open to social media about who I am, without actually saying what it is I’m facing. I always post about this very important journey that I’m on, and well, anyone outside of my friend group who knows me in the slightest way, probably had a pretty good idea at what I’m getting at.
I don’t think the news, once it is made public, will be shocking to many. I think a lot of people will claim they saw it coming, or at the very least, be able to look back at all my posts and say oh, there are all the clues.
It just makes sense. From the time i was young until now, there was always something. Something I couldn’t explain, something I couldn’t quite pinpoint, something that made fitting in seem uncontrollably difficult. I blended well all these years, chalked it all up to being a lesbian, and refused to look at myself in the mirror. That was, up until travel.
Travelling has been the mirror I needed to see myself in for a long time. I am more secure in myself then I ever have been and I’m STILL not living my entire truth. I feel at peace just knowing who I am, I can only imagine how free I’ll feel once the world knows, and once I go on testosterone.
I try to envision the day I get my first T shot. Will I be scared, anxious, nervous, excited, regretful, guilty, all of the above? I can’t know now. All I can do is embrace my life each and every day and take my time getting to the place of finally developing my body in a way I see myself.
This past weekend, when I went to Portland with my gf, we met up with my friends that I had when my first assignment was there. They don’t know about my being transgender therefore they still call me she/her and Carissa. I told my girlfriend that we would have to make this shift and she said she’d try her best. Well she fucked up, right as we got there. As we were talking to them about something I’ve done my gf said something like “yeah well when he does this......” and everything fell silent. I laughed and we continued talking all while giving her a death glare. The rest of the weekend she did super well at using she/her pronouns and calling me carissa. As proud as I was for her respecting that, I also think it was a lot for her to process. I shouldn’t have to ask her to play a part with me, I should just be myself unapologetically, but I’ve noticed I’m still hesitant around certain people. I need to spend time with these feelings and thoughts, and process what it is that is holding me back. Why I’m so proud to be a trans man when just accepting it in myself, but why I’m so fearful when sharing with other people.
For the first time in my life, I have these feelings that partly wants to keep private about MY life and MY transition. Part of me asks why it’s anyone’s business and part of me says that putting myself out there only allows the world to come at me with negativity and biases. At the same time though, there’s a lot of positives. There’s a lot of support that would occur, new friends and new resources, and there’s a lot about the message, that trans people do exist and that we are here and real and valid. I am a successful person in society, striving through this journey with myself, and I want to be one voice amongst others that says to anyone else struggling with their identity that it’s okay, and you will make it out alive.
I feel like so much self love is needed to get here. And I feel like knowing yourself as much as you possibly can is important in this process of feeling mentally strong and mentally certain in who you are as a person. Therapy has helped me tremendously. Talking to other trans and queer folk has helped. Following trans guys, watching their very real journies, coming out to my family and my friends, talking openly, navigating through all the awkward questions I ask myself and others ask me. It’s all part of the journey, and it helps to feel it all.
I’m going to try to do better at writing on here but for my lovely followers and anyone else who might see this, feel free to message me. I, by no means, have all the answers, and each day is a different take on this journey. But ultimately, the theme is positive, and I will always push others to stay in tune with their true selves and to always always love yourself. You are all beautiful people, and let’s not face this journey alone...let’s face it all together.
02/09/18 I know it’s easy to tell other people “only worry about what you think about yourself” or “don’t care so much about what other think of you” but we are all human and unfortunately these are natural feelings we are going to have day to day. Now, as good as I feel about myself, as masculine as I feel I look, I know inside my mind that I am still not perceived as that in my daily life. Not everyone knows I’m trans, I’m not out to the world, haven’t changed my name on any social media’s...at work I still go by Carissa and still go by she/her pronouns. When I think about myself, outside of everyone’s perceptions of me, I see myself as a handsome trans guy starting his quest to becoming himself. I get masculine haircuts, I wear masculine clothes, and just doing these small things all while knowing I’m trans, makes me way more confident in who I know I am and in who I know I always have been. Still, some days, and on days like today, I’m caught up in knowing that other people probably just coin me as a dyke, especially to people I work with. I cut my hair today and have a really fresh cut. I feel fresh and masculine and handsome as fuck. But I walked into work and immediately put in my scrubs with my carissa identity. And when I looked into the mirror I just saw “dyke”. And that’s not how I want to be perceived, not even a little bit. It kills me that this feeling exists. Because i am so happy and so proud to take on this journey, but still don’t feel it the right moment to tell the world. Those who matter know but to the outside world, the paserbys, the connections I make while travelling, to them they just know me as Carissa, the shell The true me lives inside. It would be too complicated to unload something as big as changing my name and pronouns to the people I work with in Washington. I have two more months here and too me it’s not worth the awkward moments and the whispers behind my back that I’m sure to happen...not even because they don’t accept it but because they’ve known me as Carissa, and it would be an adjustment to refer to me as someone else. I know in myself that I am happier keeping quiet for now. I just need to focus on what matters and know in myself that only my view of myself matters and that soon, my day is going to come where I don’t have to live behind this mask of comfort anymore, the comfort of a lie. I love myself and I’m excited to start my journey. I just gotta get my head right again, and know that my thoughts and feelings matter, and how other people perceive me doesn’t matter. Stay strong beautifuls!!!!
12/22/17
Today was my first day back home since I’ve fully accepted myself as a trans man. I went out looking like this and felt happy and content. As I strolled into the most populated grocery store in town, I found myself not caring what anybody though. For the first time ever, I didn’t care what people thought because I was confident enough in myself. I’ve never been so at peace with myself. I even noticed a little boy starring at me as I was browsing for beer and turned and smiled at him. As a lesbian, not to terms with my gender, I would have been bitter and uncomfortable. But now I see it as an opportunity to teach. I am a trans man thriving and succeeding in society. I exist. I look and feel masculine and live my life in a very masculine way. I am attracted to females and I walk like a man. Everything about me is manly. But for the first time ever, I saw it as this little boy looking at me as a trans man. This little boy processing me having a normal life as a trans guy. And me living the life I do, as confidently as I can. And it inspires me that I am at that point. I no longer thought about people looking at me as a dyke. I now perceive people as judging me as a trans man, and that is a huge mental step that I’ve taken that has grown my confidence tremendously. Smiling at this little boy made me hopeful. You can never tell what people are thinking but me possibly being part of a question or even a lesson, inspires me to be who I am forever and unapologetically. I want people to know that trans is possible, trans is normal, trans is beautiful and trans is okay...because I never knew that until the ripe age of 24. I think there is tremendous beauty in being yourself and there is a lot to realize about perception. It’s crazy what confidence can do to change your mind about things. I am the most confident I’ve been and know I will only grow with confidence as I take testosterone and continue to become the man I was always meant to be. I am so happy to lead the life I life. I couldn’t ask for anything better
01/21/18 Feeling truly happy in where I am now and where I’m headed. Grateful to have lived 24 years as Carissa but excited that I’m starting off my journey as Calvin ❤️
