#lifeascalvin

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

Hi guys ✌🏼 Just tryna remember I’m a boy and appreciating how masculine these Calvin Klein briefs make me feel ❤️💁🏻‍♂️

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

02/13/18

I realize I don’t post here much anymore and I want to change that because I think it’s important to document this journey with myself. The mindset and the waves of emotions that ebb and flow are all important, and it’s important to write even when nothing happens. It’s like checking In with myself, in a way that no one else does, in a way that I wouldn’t expect anyone too.

Today, I feel impatient. Yesterday I felt content. Tomorrow, I might feel scared. The waves of emotions that surge through me from day to day in regards to my transitioning are all scary and confusing, but also very important. It’s a good reminder that I’m taking my time with this big life changing decision, and my fears and worries, all stem from the point that it matters.

I find myself being very open to social media about who I am, without actually saying what it is I’m facing. I always post about this very important journey that I’m on, and well, anyone outside of my friend group who knows me in the slightest way, probably had a pretty good idea at what I’m getting at.

I don’t think the news, once it is made public, will be shocking to many. I think a lot of people will claim they saw it coming, or at the very least, be able to look back at all my posts and say oh, there are all the clues.

It just makes sense. From the time i was young until now, there was always something. Something I couldn’t explain, something I couldn’t quite pinpoint, something that made fitting in seem uncontrollably difficult. I blended well all these years, chalked it all up to being a lesbian, and refused to look at myself in the mirror. That was, up until travel.

Travelling has been the mirror I needed to see myself in for a long time. I am more secure in myself then I ever have been and I’m STILL not living my entire truth. I feel at peace just knowing who I am, I can only imagine how free I’ll feel once the world knows, and once I go on testosterone.

I try to envision the day I get my first T shot. Will I be scared, anxious, nervous, excited, regretful, guilty, all of the above? I can’t know now. All I can do is embrace my life each and every day and take my time getting to the place of finally developing my body in a way I see myself.

This past weekend, when I went to Portland with my gf, we met up with my friends that I had when my first assignment was there. They don’t know about my being transgender therefore they still call me she/her and Carissa. I told my girlfriend that we would have to make this shift and she said she’d try her best. Well she fucked up, right as we got there. As we were talking to them about something I’ve done my gf said something like “yeah well when he does this......” and everything fell silent. I laughed and we continued talking all while giving her a death glare. The rest of the weekend she did super well at using she/her pronouns and calling me carissa. As proud as I was for her respecting that, I also think it was a lot for her to process. I shouldn’t have to ask her to play a part with me, I should just be myself unapologetically, but I’ve noticed I’m still hesitant around certain people. I need to spend time with these feelings and thoughts, and process what it is that is holding me back. Why I’m so proud to be a trans man when just accepting it in myself, but why I’m so fearful when sharing with other people.

For the first time in my life, I have these feelings that partly wants to keep private about MY life and MY transition. Part of me asks why it’s anyone’s business and part of me says that putting myself out there only allows the world to come at me with negativity and biases. At the same time though, there’s a lot of positives. There’s a lot of support that would occur, new friends and new resources, and there’s a lot about the message, that trans people do exist and that we are here and real and valid. I am a successful person in society, striving through this journey with myself, and I want to be one voice amongst others that says to anyone else struggling with their identity that it’s okay, and you will make it out alive.

I feel like so much self love is needed to get here. And I feel like knowing yourself as much as you possibly can is important in this process of feeling mentally strong and mentally certain in who you are as a person. Therapy has helped me tremendously. Talking to other trans and queer folk has helped. Following trans guys, watching their very real journies, coming out to my family and my friends, talking openly, navigating through all the awkward questions I ask myself and others ask me. It’s all part of the journey, and it helps to feel it all.

I’m going to try to do better at writing on here but for my lovely followers and anyone else who might see this, feel free to message me. I, by no means, have all the answers, and each day is a different take on this journey. But ultimately, the theme is positive, and I will always push others to stay in tune with their true selves and to always always love yourself. You are all beautiful people, and let’s not face this journey alone...let’s face it all together.

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

01/21/18 Feeling truly happy in where I am now and where I’m headed. Grateful to have lived 24 years as Carissa but excited that I’m starting off my journey as Calvin ❤️

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

01/19/18

Just wanted to post these shameless trans man selfies that I took tonight. Feeling super confident in myself and how I’m growing to accept myself as the man I was meant to be. I know there are mountains to climb and a grand ole journey to take on, but I’m making it a point to be thankful for every single transition I make, even if the most change right now is only noticed on the inside. As for physical transitions, without testosterone, hats are a big thing for me right now. They make me feel masculine and the hair on my underarms has grown even more, though I believe it’s reached it’s capacity without testosterone. With these pictures, I can envision what Calvin might look like after top surgery, with some facial hair, and with a stronger facial bone structure. Carissa still exists. Under the hat and beyond the short hair, she’s there in all her glory. And she’s there, still, also on the inside. But Calvin is yearning to come out. Calvin is screaming to be seen, and I can’t wait for him to have the day he deserves.  I’ve made it a beautiful 24 years, in my body as Carissa. It’s time to take on a new journey, and explore my life as Calvin…the life I believe I was meant to live. Love you all <3

#prettyflyforatransguy

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

12/16/17

Well well well, ya boy got a girlfriend ❤️ So thankful for a girl who fully supports, adores, and accepts me as, not only a guy, but as HER guy. It’s truly remarkable to meet someone who finally supports me as a whole hearted person. She’s been by my side as I’ve identified as a lesbian with a ponytail, as I’ve identified as a lesbian with short hair, and now as a trans guy navigating through the murky waters of finding my most authentic self. And she’s never flinched. She’s liked me in every form of myself.  I’m not perfect and neither is she. We both make mistakes when it comes to the gender thing - when talking just to her, I sometimes still refer to myself as “she” and “Carissa”, and once in a while she’ll slip up too. But it’s a work in progress. The best part of it all is that she calls herself out on it. For example the other day, she called me a “hard working girl”... I let it slide and carried on the conversation after a kinda awkward silence and she laughed and said, “No, babe did you hear me? I said girl...I meant guy.” And I heard her, but sometimes don’t have the confidence to correct certain people....or, especially with her, don’t feel the need to because she knows, and is trying her absolute best. But it speaks VOLUMES about her respect for me as a trans man when she owns up to misgendering, corrects it, and apologizes.  It’s so beautiful being on this journey with her...and I’m so lucky I get to be her boyfriend :) JMS <3  Thanks for loving me as Calvin, babe. 

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

01/05/18

Well well well, we are 5 days into the New Year and I have yet to make a single update about everything with my family and friends and so on. Things have been crazy. I’ve quickly learned that staying in NH for a week when your best best friend moved way up north, is way too long of a stay, because then there is legit no place for me to go. For my final night here, I checked into a hotel so I could be free from cat hair, dog hair, cigarette smoke, and honestly just to have some time to myself. Now, I’m sitting in my hotel room, with a nice glass of wine, baggy hoodie, and reflecting on my past two weeks of vacation. Though details are hazy now, I’m going to say that coming out to my parents was as positive as it could be. They are both going to need time to digest and are both going to need time to get educated. I respect them for still loving me and still acting relatively normal while I stayed the rest of the week. My mom was wicked clingy though, constantly hugging me and kissing me and looking at me. I feel for her because I know she’s terrified to lose the only daughter she ever had, but the truth is, I was never here to begin with. My mom also asked me millions of questions a day, which, though at times got very annoying, I respected, because it showed she cared and wanted to learn. I’m thankful that there was enough respectful communication floating around that allowed us to talk openly about something so new to all of us. The thing with my mom, is all her questions were good fucking questions. They were all questions I asked myself before too...and those were the hard ones because they made me feel doubt within myself again. With all her questions, it came down to a point where I just had to tell her a lot of things don’t have answers. She kept asking me “what ifs”. “What if you’re not an attractive man” “What if you can’t find a partner that will love you” “What if this makes it harder for you to get jobs...” And the thing about “what ifs” is that we can ask them until we are blue in the face, and it still won’t give you an answer. Because “what ifs” are filled with fear and anxiety....the uncertainty in the unknown. But the thing about these questions is that I won’t know, and we won’t know, tis I get there. I can’t live my life in fear of these things if I feel that me taking T and becoming my most authentic self will make me the happiest. I am honestly so God damn happy and content with my life right now and I know taking testosterone will fill a void in me that I’ve been missing for such a long time.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shaken up a bit though by all my moms questions, kinda resurfacing my lack of confidence in my situation, one I was so sure of when I was out in Seattle. And this is how I know I’m not entirely ready to be out to the world. I’ve though long and hard and have come up with many ways on how I can go about it. But coming out to everyone is not going to be as positive of an experience as it could be to me, if I come out when I’m not ready. By not ready, I mean, I need to feel confident setting boundaries with certain people who can’t respect my identity or continuously mess up my pronouns and name. I need to be ready to insist I’m male when I know I sure as hell don’t pass as one yet.. And all of this is going to be hard, because I’m not confrontational with that kind of stuff.. I’m very timid especially when it’s stuff that’s new and big and scary for me. My parents and brother didn’t change anything about how they are addressing me but I want give them time. I never even told my other brother while I was home visiting because I couldn’t find it in me to tell him and handle his negative reaction that I’m more than positive would have happened. I am kinda disappointed with my visits with my friends. I loved spending time and felt comfortable with them knowing about me, but not very many asked if they should change my pronouns or if they should call me a different name. More so than not, it was the people I saw who I don’t really consider my “best friends” that were most receptive to calling me he/him and referring to me as Calvin. I wish more of my friends would have tried it, and more of them would have asked questions and talked to me about it and my preferences.  This also proves how I’m not ready to stand up for my own gender identity yet,  and that I need to work on that, but just putting a note here that I do appreciate those who go outside of their own comfort zone to refer to me as something I’m trying to work on and build my confidence with.. I’m excited to go back to Seattle and kinda check back in with my psychologist. I think I’ve moved forward a lot from the last time I saw her and I think we still have a lot to work on as far as confidence in my gender identity goes. I look forward to my journey, and you won’t see me fall even if i stumble. Thanks for the support, all <3

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

Lots of people told me this mirror pic was “studly”.....so did your mom 😏🤷🏻‍♂️ Things have been going great over here; expect a blog post soon about my family processing my coming out and how I’ve dealt with their worries and concerns. Keep it real people! Love, Calvin Khorey 😘

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

12/21/17

I’ve been wanting to write this out for a while now and with today’s turn of events, landing on a bus driving north for 8 hours instead of flying, I have plenty of time to do it. It’s also important to put it into words and really outline how I feel considering I am going to try to come out to my parents while visiting.  I had a really important conversation with an older gentleman that I work with last week.  I tend to do these things, where, especially if I’m closeted or trying to figure out what people feel about a situation, I play the opposite side of what I actually feel, just to gain some perspective. I’m not sure how it came up, but me and this guy started talking about transgender issues. I brought up the argument that I’ve come across more and more as I’ve started accepting myself because I wanted to see if he could give me some other way to look at it. Now, this guy is like an old man in his 60′s, black, with 2 sons…. And his response inspired me. I asked him what he thought about the fact that you can’t exactly change biology. I told him about how many articles I’ve read and videos I’ve watched that have argued that you can “SAY” you’re a boy ally want, but it will not change your biological sex and your DNA make up… This is  an argument I’ve struggled with because I haven’t known how to argue it. And haven’t found anyone who ever has in a way that made me believe the other side. Because you know what? Those scientists and Docters and whoever….they are right. No matter how much I say I’m a boy, I will still always have been born a girl. No matter what, my DNA chromosomes will always be XX. But this is what he said- “How many time has mother nature ‘fucked up’. How many times have people been born ‘wrong’. What about people with 6 fingers instead of 5? Or the people who are conjoined twins? What about the people born with heart defects? And what about the people born as both? You really mean to tell me that because people were born outside of the norm that they have to deal and live with what makes them different? No. People get extra fingers removed. People get medicine to fix a heart defect. Conjoined twins get surgically split from each other. And you have no one telling them they were born that way so they should stay that way. Mother nature fucks up. That’s just the way it is. So if a transgendered person feels they were born in the wrong body, than who are we to say that that’s wrong or thats right? How awful must it be to feel that…” Now obviously I’m not out to the people that I work with, nor did I make any indication to the fact that I was. I mean, why would a trans guy challenge his own beliefs and try to lead you down an argument that goes against who I am as a person? Lol, I guess I’m kinda twisted. But, also just very open minded. I’m not scared to listen to peoples perspectives if it is done so respectfully. And look, people surprise you everyday. The way he worded it, of course I paraphrased, but it literally blew me away. I literally had goosebumps because I had never really found an argument like that. The material I’ve read that have strictly based facts about biology and DNA makeup have really had me stuck and I didn’t know how to fight it. I am a very facts based person…so you present me with the facts and I can see how those facts are true.. But I love perspective. I love shaking the globe and watching the snow fall from a different angle. I think you learn so much that way. And his response changed me entirely and quickly made me feel more confident in the fact that trans is REAL. Trans is okay. And that isn’t something that is an easy thing to get to. I am trans myself and I looked at all possible angles to see if I was just being crazy. But he’s right. Mother nature fucks up. People aren’t born perfect. People are handed certain cards and it’s how you chose to deal with them that makes you who you are. Could I live the rest of my life as a woman? Probably. I’ve done enough work internally and searched within myself to know what outside factors contribute or don’t contribute to my happiness and have adjusted. I’ve also done enough searching to know what to change within myself…what parts of me are toxic and what parts of me are just genuinely good. I don’t want to transition because I am unhappy as a whole…I want to transition because I’ve never been at home in my body…and I found that through some deep soul searching in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing.  I chose to take the cards I’ve been given and not blame the universe for putting me in the wrong body. I chose to feel blessed for being dealt the wrong cards so I can learn how to navigate through struggle. I chose to thank God for making me such a strong individual that can handle something as tough as being born as the wrong sex. I mean, do you even know how much strength that takes? It’s a crazy amount of strength. And I’m proud of the people in the trans community that are still here, and still pushing, and thriving. I’m proud to be a part of a community with so much fucking power in just knowing themselves….because I’m sorry, not enough people know themselves enough. And not enough people dig deep enough in themselves to learn the things that make them who they are…and the things they need to let go of as well as pursue to make them better. Becoming aware is the key to happiness and growth and I am just so happy I’ve transitioned throughout my whole life to gain so much perspective everything. I am truly blessed and truly happy…not because I haven’t been and now have this “thing” to fix it, but rather because I know myself, and have found what it feels like to be at home in your body, just by having my pronouns changed and having a select few people call me Calvin. I feel amazing. I feel excited. And I feel empowered.  I feel less reliant on others because for the first time in forever I’m fully reliant on myself because I finally met him, and he’s a great guy. I hope to have the courage to introduce myself to them as the great man I know I am and will continue to become.  This life is beautiful, man. Embrace your journey and stay positive you beautiful souls.